How do I talk to my mother about her hygiene?

Depending on how advanced your mom's dementia is have you considered sitting down and having a heart-to-heart talk with her? No accusations, no judgement, just telling her that you've noticed that she isn't bathing as much as she used to. Ask her if there's something you can do to help her. Be sensitive but matter of fact. Maybe she is afraid of falling. Maybe she doesn't like being cold once she gets out of the shower or tub. Or maybe it's just too much trouble. If you can pry a reason out of your mom you can work on a solution.

maybe ask if she needs anything new to help her like hand held sprayer, bath bench etc or introduce her to disposable warming cleaning clothes that she can use herself for daily cat baths. trying the same w/my MIL who only showers/hair wash 1x/wk which is fine if she would do these at least 1-2 days otherwise.

Marsalis - if your mother is anything like mine, she will fight you tooth and nail on this. My 93 year old mother is in AL, very frail with moderate to advanced dementia, and every time....and I mean every time.....the aides come to help bathe her, the resistance begins: "The room is too cold (it's not - it's 80 degrees and I sweat bullets while I'm there), I'm too cold, the water hurts my skin" and the ever favorite, "I don't sweat or smell and I take care of myself!" The best I've been able to get her to accept is that she needs to sign a refusal form to protect the AL and then when enough of them pile up I simply say to her, "Well, sounds like you're just not letting them help bathe you - you know, if you're not going to let them help you, you really can't complain that your skin is dry or itchy or scaly - this is caused by your not bathing regularly." Then when she asks me if she smells bad, my (truthful) response is, "You don't smell awful, Mom, but you don't smell fresh." I let her mull that over but honestly, I don't get too far. Like me, I'm sure you're well intentioned but through this forum largely I've learned to pick my battles, as there are far too many to invest in all of them fully. Hugs to you for being a good and thoughtful daughter and hang in there.

My sister and I have tried every which way to persuade my mom to shower weekly and wash her hair. Not daily, not even twice a week, but once. She will go for a month plus with out shower or washing hair. She's wearing depends full time and have at times had BM's in them. I have provided wipes for her but she prefers to use my wash cloths to clean up the worst of her messes. I have thrown them away. We have "asked" her politely. We have asked for her to explain her reluctance and maybe we can solve the problem. She says she doesn't like to be wet or cold. I have space heater for bathroom, I've bought shower bench and wall handles to hold onto. I have a walk in shower she can use but is adamant about using the bathroom with tub that she climbs over. The few times I have gotten her in shower she says the water hurts and is in there for maybe 2 minutes and refuses to wash her hair. She won't sit on bench. BTW, it's the same bench I got for the shower that I sit her on to roll her hair if and when I get her to wash it. She comments on what a nice bench it is and asks where I got it. (She's blind). I had to laugh out loud and explain its the shower bench that she won't sit on in the shower! So after trying the polite approach, we've tried the forceful approach with guidance and help from OT. We did the "It's Wednesday, bath day!" No go, we tried threatening home health care coming in and bathing her. She told us to just try it! She's convinced her self that sponge bathing 2-3 times a week is sufficient for good hygiene. Problem is we've caught her running bath water and then going to standing at the sink. If she sink baths it might be to wipe her rear, but not arm pits, feet or face. It bits and pieces. We are at our wits end and are still trying to protect her dignity. So I'm in the same boat with you! I think a nursing home will be mom's next stop and I hate that for her.

Marsalis,
Not bathing was a big issue with my cousin who has dementia. It started even before we knew that dementia was at work with her, but soon it became clear. I'd watch your mom very closely to see what else she may not be doing. Often they don't eat, don't toilet well, eat spoiled food, etc. I'd be careful of her letting in strangers and giving out financial information. It sounds like you are keeping a good eye on her with her living next door, but still......I'm not sure there is anything that you an say to her that may cause her to bathe more. With dementia, the reasoning and memory are just not there any longer. I can't imagine that she would pick back up with bathing regularly, unless she's guided through it.

What I found that worked was to just insist as we went about it. I'd run the water and get a wash clothe and starting talking about how she was going to get nice and clean. I acted as if it was my job to help her bath. She ALWAYS said she had already bathed, but I said, I know, but this is special soap that I have and we have to use it. So, he we go and I'd then talk about our plans, meals, tv show, etc. Pleading, begging or threats don't prove helpful, IMO. A bath aid might be a good idea. Sometimes dementia patients respond to them.

lmb1234 - thanks for your post. I've beaten myself up for quite a while for missing the shower issue - I mean, I'm a fairly bright gal, how could I miss something like that, right? So, as usual - I am relieved that I'm not alone in missing this.

We have made it clear to my husbands mother that staying in her home is only possible with her cooperation. Otherwise, we will be forced to sell her home and place her in a nursing facility to receive the care necessary. It is still her choice to some extent. She isn't happy about bathing, but understands that her doctor requires proper hygiene and care. The visiting nurse documents this care and her condition atleast once a week. She backs up that conversation.
Yes, it is a dignity issue. We emphasize that caregiving is a favor returned to our parents for the care we received as children. It is consistent with our family tradition and Christian faith to keep our loved ones in family care as long as possible.

With dementia, your loved one will go through stages of resistance and periods of peace and cooperation (hopefully). Your relationship with your parent will evolve over that change too.
Try to keep perspective. Alzheimer's is fatal. Slowly fatal. It is ok to bribe your parent to cooperate...chocolate pudding CAN be on breakfast menu! Throw some of those "living ideas" out and adopt a "bucket list" perspective. The simplest joys could be a vehicle for improved mood and a sense of really living while dying. Do not underestimate your ability to help shape the response, by working the positives and likes your parent has as a person. You might actually get to know him or her in a new way.

I'll count myself among those having troubles with this. My mom wouldn't mind showering, but she thinks she can just step in and out with no trouble and do it by herself, when in fact, she really needs a lot of help so she doesn't fall. So she gets mad that I don't "let" her shower, but won't do sponge baths...just layers more deodorant on her already stinky pits. *sigh* I've got a caregiver now who might have more luck. You're not alone!

You're most welcome, Rainmom. We are (clearly) all in this together and it's definitely comforting to know we are not alone. This forum is a Godsend and I for one draw a great deal of strength from the ability to both vent and get suggestions (or just comraderie) on our mutual issues. I hope that if/when our kids are dealing with stuff associated with our own aging that they will avail themselves of this type of support system.

As the elder ages, she is going to need assists with bathing. Sometimes it has to come right down to informing them that they must wash better. You can say "would you rather hear it from me (your daughter) or your best friend? "