She gets lost going to places she has been going to for years and is losing her driving skills. She is a danger to herself and others. She enjoys being independent though.
If she is a danger to others don't be so concerned about upsetting her. Talk straight to her. Ask her how she would feel if she had and accident and killed a child or left a child without parents. When Dad wouldn't stop driving his car keys just got lost one day and were never found. Mother had the good sense to stop driving on her own and gave the car away so she wouldn't be tempted.
Unless they are willing to make the decision on their own, I don't think there is a way. Is she able to reason? If not, there is not much you can do. Perhaps it would be easier if her doctor told her.
Can her doctor make a referral for her to take a driver's evaluation? Maybe a neutral party, such as a TRAINED occupational therapist can get some hard data and give a scientific assessment that would remove all emotion from what is truly happening. It sometimes helps to have a third party deliver the news. After all, you are just her child.
When my mom was first diagnosed with early stages of dementia, she asked me about whether or not she should drive. I asked her if she felt she was a good enough driver to transport grandchildren. The next morning, she announced that she would no longer drive and asked what she should do with her car, which we helped her sell immediately.
She may not be as upset, if you can, at the same time you tell her she cannot drive anymore, propose another way for her to keep her independence such as having in place a car or taxi service or hiring a college student to take her on errands.
There are too many elderly people driving....that should not be behind the wheel. Yes, they want their freedom, but what is more important? Their freedom........or having a disoriented old person behind the wheel of a out of control 2 ton missle. A vehicle in the wrong hands is a killing machine. It's true!
there is no way it will not upset her, I have been there & done that with 82 year old husband, I too asked for advice here & received many replies & tried them all, I was finally able to get the keys when I told him the new med the Dr put him on he could not drive, so no keys for 6 months now, finally sold the car, but he is still not happy about it, and it is an issue every day, where's my car, keys, I just re direct. My SIL at 85 did not have the keys taken away & at dusk ran head on to a pick up when she made a left turn into oncoming traffic. Everyone was ok, bit totaled her car. she no longer drives!
Unfortunately, my mother thought she was good enough at driving to run around with her grandchildren. I rode in her car to test her skills and she ran into a ditch, drove through a red light and ran a stop sign. She called me a liar when I confronted her about it. My sister and I are guardians when we talked to her about our concerns, she said she was just fine - we didn't agree. We drove off in her car and she never saw it again. At this stage of her dementia, she didn't comprehend how dangerous she was and we were afraid, as guardians, that we would be held liable if she hurt somebody or damaged other people's property. The car had to be removed, not disabled, she would have had someone come fix it and there would still be a problem.
Not only will issues of driving be a concern, but I found out that my stepdad, had not renewed his license in years, or had the car maintenance attended to. The car was ready to fall apart. So we sold the car. Then we moved him to my step-sister to monitor them and she allowed him to buy a car, but monitored, he was only allowed to drive to senior center for lunch but that ended when my MOM passed from Alzheimer's. ...
My return button got hit before I was done. There's no talking about this IMO because if they/she could reason properly or at all they would be scared to death knowing they are getting lost. Take action first, remove the vehicle and the keys and discuss later. If you have to find a fall guy (if it cannot be you) let it be her doctor, pastor, police officer etc. Reporting her to the DMV via the doctor could result in a formal letter from the DMV but it doesn't stop her from operating the vehicle. Even with authority figures terminating their driving rights, some people will ingore warnings/laws and drive anyway because they do not/can not reason. You have to do it for her before someone gets hurt.
This is so hard. Giving up the keys means you have lost all your freedom, and now must depend on others. It is heartbreaking. My Dad has parkinson's and would freeze for seconds at a time. Nobody in my family would deal with it. Finally Dad and I had a talk, He knew he should stop driving he just couldn't get his head around it. I flat out told him. He is a danger to everyone on the road, because he can't get his foot from the gas to the brake fast enough to avoid hitting people. I looked him right in the eye, and told him I would call the police to report a dangerous driver on the road. Before he left the driveway, they would be here. They would start proceedings to take his license. I meant it. He knew I meant. He stopped, after a year he sold his car. He still gives me the evil eye every once in awhile. I'd rather have him angry at me, then the guilt of a person's injury or death on my conscience because I was afraid of upsetting him.
when I tried the disabling my husband went to a neighbor & had them call a local car place to come fix it. He has AD , but he is not stupid ( he reminds me daily that he's not stupid) I like MgCarters answer, done & over. All I could picture in my mind as the POA that I would be the cause of him injuring himself or others & us being sued for everything we have if I caved in & let him drive.
This resolution is more cut and dried, black and white if you will, then some other issues. This isn't just about the feelings of our elders, this is about death or serious injury to our elders or others. This IS NOT EVER a decision that can be left up to them because their reasoning ability is not always intact. The approach to reason with them, for example if they are safe driving their grandchildren (and as we just read, some thought they were when they weren't), only works if they ARE able to reason and their reasoning is reasonable. If their reasoning is out to lunch in any way, then "the disappearing keys" gambit is the way to go. Then redirect, redirect, redirect to get around the where are my keys or where is my car business. When it is no longer their time to drive, they just CAN'T be permitted to, period. Alliwing them to continue to drive, even in order to preserve they're feeling of independence, is just too dangerous.
My mom is 82 and has nerve damage in her right leg and foot. Her doctor told her not to drive anymore which she hasn't for 3years. But she still insists she can drive and gets mad when I tell her she shouldn't and we end up yelling at each other. It's probably a moot point anyway since she hadn't even attempted to drive at all. But she's very adamant about still being able to drive and is in a state of denial. There is no good way to tell an elderly parent they shouldn't be driving. Taking away the keys is probably the best thing to do but be prepared for the fight of your life! Good luck.
We got the MD to refer her for a road test. She passed the road test, we let her drive until this May, then we borrowed the car and never brought it back. It takes a neurologist to tell her she cannot drive, and she denies he ever said that. Take the car and stand your ground.
check with your state DMV - some states will take away the license/car, thus sparing the family from being the bad guy. If you mom has dementia, you CANNOT reason with her - she can't reason and she can't remember.
I shake my head when I hear people advising a conversation where you confront your parent with the evidence of their diminished driving skills and ask them to hand over the keys. If your mom believed that she is an unsafe driver, she'd listen to you. But, that's exactly the issue. Despite all evidence to the contrary, she's SURE she is perfectly capable of driving safely. It's a fool's errand to try to have a conversation like that.
Avoid an ugly confrontation. Disable the car. Let mom try to start it. Then, call the tow truck and have it taken somewhere it can be sold, used or stored. When mom asks when the car will be ready just keep making excuses while you get her accustomed to life without driving.
It stinks having to deceive your parents, but in some situations, dementia makes fibbing the kindest strategy.
Another thing - see if you can provide some transportation - public transportation might not be safe it there's dementia, but a neighborhood college student maybe?
I recently posted almost the same question. I got only a few answers, it seems there is no easy way. I live with my mom and am retired so I can drive her. She was angry when I suggested she stop driving and had a tantrum. She insists I hate her. I finally sent a form to the Department of Motor Vehicles in CA requesting she be tested. In about 2 weeks she got a letter from them requesting information from her doctor or else her license would be suspended. l tried to help her fill out the forms (against my better judgement but I was already feeling guilty about "ratting" on mom.) She got angry about the form and refused to sign it. She insisted that "they" have to fill it out. The result is her license is suspended in a few weeks (I told her it was now.) She wouldn't speak to me the rest of the day but did talk to me the next day. Now the issue is how to get her keys just in case she decides to drive anyway. Fortunately I have the support of my sister who lives close by as well as my adult children. Even so, this was painful. The other awful part of this is thinking about my own future and having to stop driving. You have my sympathy on this extremely difficult and heart wrenching issue.
Dear Jeania, The cold hard facts are that the feelings of anyone mentally impaired and incompetent to drive cannot be a factor in the equation. I like the suggestions about losing the keys, mechanically disabling the vehicle, saying the meds prohibit driving, and getting forms from the MVC. You are going to have to deal with her emotional fallout no matter which way it goes down. If you want to take the blame off of yourself, I would contact the doctor, let him document her chart that she is in dementia and driving should be discontinued. He can then give you a script for the MVC requesting a new driver test for your Mom to evaluate her capabilities. As soon as the MVC gets that, they will fail her and rescind her license. Voila!!
Tough love. Tell the DMV about her memory loss, getting lost, and they WILL revoke her license. Tell her you love her and don't want her to get into an accident, much less kill someone who is innocent. Take the keys away, disconnect the battery, anything you have to in order to prevent her from driving. So she gets upset. Tough love. You can do it.
obviously....they cannot pass the renewal test.....thus they can't get a license......but just think of all the seniors who continue to drive......without a valid license
I took my husband 82 with AD for his renewal in February - I figured they would not renew as he had to answer questions, but he passed & he has a new license for 6 years, but he does not drive anymore, he is proud of the license - I was ready to deal with the situation whether the MVA renewed or not. But as Roscoe states many are driving that have no license, so is it worth the argument not to let them possess the little card as long as one is assured they are not driving.
The road test examiners are extremely lax when it comes to seniors. Mom's first mistake was to press the gas to the floor instead of putting it on the brake. She could not do a three point turn, nor could she parallel park. The examiner thought she was "cute as a button" and passed her. Any 16 year-old would have failed.
NI answered earlier but now have more information. I contacted my city about elder programs. The city has volunteers that will drive my mom and also taxi vouchers. Although this may not make my mom less angry, it does take some of the pressure off of me and my sister. The drivers may, or may not help her with shopping, but it at least may give her back a feeling of autonomy. Contact your city to see if they have any similar programs. My city also has Meals on Wheels and a friendly visitor program.
Dad's doctor turned him in and he was madder than a stirred up hornets nest! Still is. Making it the doctors fault is way easier than taking the fall yourself. Mom's may be different I am not sure, but removing keys from a dad/man you may as well cut their man parts off. Good luck with this issue it is not in my book an easy one. You could always leave her car there and just take a spark plug out???
New question. What if the doctor and I, the daughter suggested a driving evaluation and then my elderly father threatened to hire an attorney to represent his rights and that he wasn't going to quit driving until he was ready. ? He will know when the time is right, according to him. He is 81 with moderate stage dementia/Alzheimer's.
When Dad wouldn't stop driving his car keys just got lost one day and were never found. Mother had the good sense to stop driving on her own and gave the car away so she wouldn't be tempted.
My sister and I are guardians when we talked to her about our concerns, she said she was just fine - we didn't agree. We drove off in her car and she never saw it again. At this stage of her dementia, she didn't comprehend how dangerous she was and we were afraid, as guardians, that we would be held liable if she hurt somebody or damaged other people's property.
The car had to be removed, not disabled, she would have had someone come fix it and there would still be a problem.
Avoid an ugly confrontation. Disable the car. Let mom try to start it. Then, call the tow truck and have it taken somewhere it can be sold, used or stored. When mom asks when the car will be ready just keep making excuses while you get her accustomed to life without driving.
It stinks having to deceive your parents, but in some situations, dementia makes fibbing the kindest strategy.
? He will know when the time is right, according to him. He is 81 with moderate stage dementia/Alzheimer's.