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Coping with elderly mother living with me. My mom lived by herself until she broke her hip almost a year ago. After the surgery for that she had another surgery and ended up with a colostomy. Her stay in hospital was 7 months and she said she was coming to live with me (daughter). It wasn't asked just assumed. I didn't want the responsibility but I figured I had to take her. I work full time and she needs assistance with bathing, her colostomy and I prepare her food she is feeble and walks very slowly with a walker. I feel overwhelmed with it all. My brother takes here every second weekend but its not enough. My husband died 5 years ago and its just me and my 2 grown children in the house. She's afraid to be alone for too long and that puts a strain on me as I feel guilty for leaving her. She has a respite worker 4 hours in the morning. I'm trying to live my life while caring for her. I feel very stressed and guilty for feeling this way. She is used to being alone which she lived for many years and liked it. So not interacting with others is ok for her so she doesn't want to join any seniors clubs. I want so desperately to put her in a nursing home for her to meet people and interact with them and have things to do but she don't want to go into one. I want to be able to live my life without the responsibility and worry of my mom. How can I talk to her about moving into a nursing home and let her know how I feel. She can see the stress I go through and she knows I'm not happy. I feel selfish but when I think about it more she seems to be the selfish one for making me do this. I love my mom but I'm still a young woman and I feel like a child and my home doesn't feel like mine anymore. I have zero privacy as she is always in my space. My mom cared for her mother for years and she told me I would never have to care for her and to put her in a home if anything happened to her. My life has changed so much since she came to live with me. I don't have the freedom I'm used to. I raised my children and now I feel like I'm raising my mother. I went through the loss of my husband and brother at the same time and I feel more stressed now than I did when they died. It just seems so unfair. Sorry for the rambling. I just need some insight into talking to her about a nursing home before I end up loosing my mind.

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Thank you so much standing alone. I appreciate everything you have told me. And it makes me feel better knowing someone out there knows what I'm going through. Although I don't think I have it as bad as you have had. My mom does have her mind thank God. But she has alot of health problems that are not too bad at the moment but very well could get bad in the future. If I had to think about all of this before she moved in I believe I would have told her that it would be just too much for me to deal with. Right now I just don't know how to bring up the subject of moving her in a nursing home as I know she don't want to go there. I don't want to break her heart although I know for a fact she would be much happier there with people around her all the time. My son is moving out after Christmas and that is one less person here to be around when I'm not here. I've already said to her that one day its only going to be me here and I have to live my life and do things and she will be here all alone while I'm gone. I also told her that the man I'm with now whom I just started a relationship with a few months ago will be in my life and and she didn't seem to like that. But I did tell her that I'm still a young woman and I plan on living my life. She still don't get it. I know she knows how much this is upsetting me but to me it seems she don't care. She was never like this before she got sick. She was very independent and wouldn't let anyone get her so much as a glass of water. Now she is dependent and she couldn't care less it seems.
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Lose the guilt, Marie. Your feelings are entirely normal and understandable. No child should be required to give up their entire lives to care for an elderly parent around the clock 24/7, imo. I did it for over 10 years. Everything important to me as a human being was lost...job, income, friends, hobbies, freedom, weekend get aways, peace of mind, my health, you name it. I went into care giving at about 37 a healthy, attractive, physically active, financially secure, happy person, and 10 years later I'm a total wreck, mentally exhausted and physically ill from the never ending, colossal, around the clock demands of an elderly alz patient. God, had I known then in the beginning what I know now... Find a place for your mom, a nice place, where she'll have people to look after her, she'll meet others her age, and she'll be well cared for, warm and fed. That's your responsibility, and no more. Again, imo, no child should be required to give up LIFE, and all that's good in it, to do for their parents for what could amount to decades.... There's nothing to feel guilty about at all. Do what you know you have to, and get on with your own life and enjoy every single minute of it knowing you've done all you can by making sure your mom is in a clean, healthy environment with professions trained to deal with alz/dementia patients... I wish you the best...
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Good morning...My adult children do help out when they can. My son lives in the basement apartment with his own child and my daughter is in university and working so I cannot put much on them. Its not fair to them. I just feel so consumed with guilt over the way I feel. I know my mom raised me and cared for me but I also raised my kids and I feel its time for me to enjoy my life now especially where I have had so much happen in my life in the past 5 years. I really don't know how to bring up the subject of putting her in a nursing home. She can't live alone and the government will only give her 4 hours a day. I cannot afford to have a worker come in to stay with her.
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Time to talk to her and have an honest if not hard one on one. Just tell her you think you are ready to be more social now with grown children and that you love her but don't think her living with you is long term plan. Ask her what she would like? Would she consider a nice apt with in home assistance? Can she afford it? Reassure her that you and children will still visit or bring her over for Sunday dinner, etc.

If you can't come to terms with moving her, then have her agree to help you modify the house so you can each have more private living areas and further that she have more in home care assistance for your sanity.

Next ensure adult children are pitching in with chores, meal prep, to give you a break. Regardless, arrange one evening out for you where you go to library , quiet bookstore, pan era, etc. to get peace and quiet for you.
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Two grown children in the house? So assign each one a weeknight and a weekend and give yourself a day at the spa, for starters. If she is gone for a weekend, get away too, visit a friend, start a hobby.
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