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I feel guilty even sharing this because I know ultimately it is a lot harder for them to get out and do this, but on the other hand I would rather do ANYTHING else than this. But I also feel like I am posting this for someone to tell me "that sounds really tough" and just be here with me mentally.



I'm only 25. I am heat sensitive, hot natured, and overheat as a side effect of two meds I take, but I am going to have to push a really heavy wheelchair tomorrow. The last time I did this, I was sore for DAYS just to be frank they are not a light person and pushing 300+ is really difficult for me. I struggle with depression and this person was an integral part in creating some of the issues I have, so seeing them struggle with their depression and have no quality of life etc is really hard, but I can only do so much.



Getting out of the home, down the steps and curb and into the car is about 20 to 30 minutes of tears, saying really sad things out loud, saying they can't do it, etc. it is really a lot. I feel like I am just not equipped for whatever will happen tomorrow.



They have not showered since the last time at the doctor which was like 6 months ago. I am kind of scared that I might be looked at as neglectful even though I do not live with this person.



I can't underscore how much I feel like I really cannot handle doing this. I just got really bad news at home (we have to move unexpectedly), I have a $8k car repair hanging over my head, work is going to be really leaning on me this next month while a few people are out, and I would really do anything at all to not do this.



The more I write the more helpless I feel. I'm sure there is an insurance provided service that can help with this but I'm not involved in her insurance. I might just pay one of the services from online out of pocket. I can't explain to anyone here how much I dread this, how I am not ready for any of the things I will see or hear, how I almost can not push this wheelchair. I don't even want to post this because it's just solidifying that it is tomorrow. I hate this and I wish I was not here. I am not in danger it just literally makes me feel this bad.



Thank you for reading if you made it this far.



Also, after re-reading, I want to indicate that a couple doctor trips a year is not all I do. There is much more that I do not have the bandwidth to detail here.

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I'd add 'immediately' to Beatty's advice. DON'T GO. Cancel - or let the 300lb person cancel with the real reason that both of you won't be there. The idea of doing this is between ridiculous and self-abusive. It's dangerous for both of you.
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Well this DOES sound really tough and a horrible thing you're feeling obliged to do for a loved one, at your own expense. I'm not sure you're physically capable of pushing a 300 lb person around in a wheelchair, and doing so may injure YOU as a result. I think you need to consider that possibility/probability in this equation, and find another way to transport this loved one to the doctor. She can pay for a wheelchair van/taxi service to drive her to the doctor and you can accompany her. Why not arrange for this yourself and see if your loved one is agreeable to paying for it? If not, you should let her know that you're not physically capable of moving her down the stairs, out of the house, and into the car; it's causing you to be sore for days afterward and taking too much of a toll on your body now. You're happy to accompany her in the van she's paying for, but that's all you can do. When my parents were wheelchair bound, there was NO WAY I was able to transport them in my car, so I hired a wheelchair accessible van or cab and had them transported that way, which is why I'm suggesting it to you. I simply do not have the strength to haul people and their wheelchairs anywhere by myself; it's too much for me, even if I 'want' to do it, I am not able.

That is my suggestion. As far as you doing 'much more' for this person that you can't go into detail about, perhaps it's time to review what toll it's taking on your mental health to provide this care. What can you cut out and cut back on in terms of care? What can you dole out to others or even pay for (maybe) that would take the load off of YOU? You don't say who this person is that you feel obliged to care for. Is there someone else who can help you share the duties, perhaps? In the end, you have to weigh it all out: are these duties taking too big a toll on YOU to warrant doing? How can you release some of these duties but still help this person? Those are questions only you can answer.

I hope you can figure out a way to help your loved one but also care for yourself in this situation. Wishing you the best of luck finding a solution that works for both of you.
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Why? Why do you do any of it? And how did you become the person who does it?
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MJ1929 Aug 2022
^^^These are the questions that need to be answered.

Who made you responsible for any of this?

I'll also add that an $8,000 car repair is only worth it if your car is brand-new. Don't get it fixed, sell it, as-is, and get another car.
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It sounds as though getting this person to an outside doc appointment is too much for THEM!!!

Call the Area Agency on Aging and find a doc who will come to the home. Or call current doc and ask if s/he has a nurse or PA who does home visits.

Stop killing yourself.
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I hear you, and I do understand. I physically would not be able to do what you are doing.

Maybe pretend that you are a stranger, and “The Real You” is not available. You are this other Care Manager. As the Care Manager, you would have to figure out another way to get this person to the doctor. “The real you” isn’t around. So, the Care Manager would figure out a van, a transport service, or SOMETHING to get this client to the doc. THEY would figure it out. You can, too.

You are not this person’s slave. You do not have to get injured or overheated by this task. Why should this person’s needs be more important than YOURS?

You are important. You matter.
Best wishes to you.
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Natasana Aug 2022
Liked this answer! I too find it helpful to look at it from the outside, then handle it that way. No emotion, no stake, just like it's a job. Puts things into perspective. Makes the focus on practicality. Just knocking down dominoes one at a time.
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As to a little more advice..

1st sentence sums it up; "Taking relative to the Doctor is too hard".

2nd sentence;
"I just need to vent".
Do you?

3rd sentence;
"Any advice?"
Yes. Change sentence #2. Remove the word VENT (it was a good start - let's move on). Replace with MAKE CHANGES.
Eg: Taking relative to the Doctor is too hard. So I have to make changes.
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You should not be pushing a 300 #s of anything that will leave you sore for days. You're lucky so far that you have not really hurt yourself physically and not be able to work for weeks or months.

Look up your local Area of Aging Agency and ask for help on medical transportation.

Who is this person to you? and how did you get to be the one who has to do this work for him/her?

Don't feel embarrassed or guilty to vent. You are burn out from helping too much. So, vent all you want.
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How did you get roped into doing this? Contact the office on aging or even the doctor's office to see if there is a cheap medical transport available. I also second cutting out the unnecessary appointments.
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It's time the doctors office understands that getting this women to their office is just too much for you and her and it's time to schedule only online visits(Zoom)here on out. Yes, all doctors now offer that service, since Covid.
It's also time for you to take care of yourself, as it sounds like your mental health is suffering greatly. You have to be able to take care of yourself before you can even think of trying to take care of someone else. And if that someone else is a person who causes you such angst it's time to relinquish that care to someone else.
And if there is no one else, you call APS and report a vulnerable adult and let them take it from there.
Please start making yourself a priority by taking better care of yourself. No where is it written that we are under any obligation to care for someone(even if it's a parent)if we ourselves are not equipped to do so, and it causes our health to suffer. So stop the nonsense and get your life back!!!
Sending blessings your way!
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The post doesn’t give info about how this 300 lb. person gained so much importance in your life. Whatever that process was, this is a new day and you don’t have to be bound by the bad choices that person has made. (Becoming 300 lbs. that someone else is expected to push around in the heat. Not bathing, which is a big clue that Big Person has something mental going on and needs help.) Suggestion: tell Big Person that you’re not able to do it anymore. Allow Big Person to freak out as you walk out. Don’t answer phone calls, don’t go back. Something tells me that Big Person will miraculously find someone else to deal with the problems. You could send a note to the doctor and explain. That will probably kick off a visit from a social worker and someone to deal with the mental health issues. You are way over your head here, and that’s not your fault. It’s perfectly acceptable to just give up. Let go…..and breathe.
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