Taking my Mom to a nursing home. How do I cope?

Dear Sad, put a smile on your face and tell Mom (the day she is moving) that the doctor says she needs more care for a little while. Pick a place that is near to you and visit her often. You might even keep one of the cargivers that she likes best or has been with you the longest and have them do some shifts for a while after the move. That will work towards keep her feeling safe. Bring along some of her favorite things so she feels she is in familiar surroundings. Good luck.

This is a hard but necessary decision and you will have to find peace with this. You and family are angels to have provided mom your home for so long. It's OK.

I know your heart is aching. May I suggest visiting nursing home or joining a support group at your church or the nursing home to help you thru this difficult time and sorting out your feelings. They may give you some great support and advice on breaking the news and accepting your decision.

If mom has Alzheimer's; I don't know if you have to tell her if you know it will be traumatic. Maybe give her a couple days notice and reassure her you will be nearby and visit often. Try to make her new room as homey with her existing things as possible. Set up pictures, bedding quilts, lamps, etc so new room looks as close as possible to her existing room. Maybe they will let you bring in her favorite chair?

If you can accept this, then it will be a more positive experience for mom.

Prepare yourself by coming here for support whenever you need. Make sure you connect with others in your community who have walked this walk before.

It's a new phase for you and your family, albeit a difficult and sad one -- but necessary. Don't feel guilty and relish getting your privacy back, family time, lessened worries about moms care. She will be getting the skilled care she needs. Again visit often, try to pick up old friends of mom and visit her. Bring in take out, or some of your home cooked treats to her each week. Maybe take a picture of her favorite spot and have it blown up on a large canvas and hang it in her new room where she can see it.

Hugs to you during this difficult time. YOU are making the right and best decision.

Talk to the administrator at the facility. Talk to the family of other patients that you might run into, there. I am certain that it is for the best, for your mother. If she was the best mother, ever, she certainly wouldn't blame you for helping her get the best care possible.

Dear SadinMichigan - If your mother has Alzheimer's, then she will not know she is going anywhere except on a trip to be with a new set of friends. Stop worrying about professionals who can care for her in her final days, and allow this time for you to start the process of grieving for a wonderful mother who will die with this disease. You have been a terrific daughter and you cannot make yourself ill just when she needs you to be strong and let her go. I know it is hard, as I have been there as my mother died in 2002, and I've been with patients I have cared for in my nursing practice. Death will come to everyone. My husband has dementia, and every day I try and make it fun so the pain is not so great. Cry if you must, but don't show your mother as she won't understand why you are crying. God must need our loved ones with Him and that's what I keep thinking. She will be in good hands. Take care of yourself!

I am sorry that you have to put your mom in a home. But, the good part is she will be with people that are like her. It will be such a relief for you .because now you can concentrate on your Mom, not as a caregiver but as a daughter. The people there are such nice people. They will take care of her. My mom is in a facility. Her mind is very bad. I was so sad to leave her .but she now calls this her home . It is all she knows now. You must take care of your self. I pray you find the comfort you need.

I'm sorry you are hurting right now but soon you'll find happiness that Mom is being well cared for.

She will be fine because she will receive good care. Your work is done and you have done a great job. Now is time for you to sit back and visit her on a regular basis and that does not mean every day. Mom has Alzheimers and will not remember. So stop feeling guilty and were and still are a great caregiver--only in a different setting. Most of important of all is take care of yourself because you deserve it!!!

Just know in advance that the transition will take time, but you are dealing with folks who do this every day. I worked in the field for 5 years and treated every one as if they were my own parent. You are going to feel sad and guilty, but please remind yourself that you have done a good job for your mom, she just needs more care than you can safely give her at home now. She may cry or be angry, but work with the facility's social worker to make the transition for both of you easier. God bless.

Dear Sad,
I worked with geriatric patients in a locked memory unit for many years. What I can tell you to give you a little peace is that it is usually much harder for the family members than for the client. They may cry and ask to go home while you are there but when you leave they forget. Their lives are very small and limited and they really do live in the moment (even if they think it is 50 years ago!). Many times I would take crying family members into the nurses station to give them comfort because their loved ones would be crying and making a fuss. Truthfully when the family members leave they usually settle down and are on to the next activity of the unit. I know how difficult this must be for you but you have to give yourself a break. Now is the time you can have for your life again. Visit your Mom on a scheduled basis, bring her little goodies and do not start to cry. As mentioned above she will not understand. It is really all about her little existence right now. I miss my Mother terribly and she is still alive so I must accept that is how it is right now and move on with my life. Best of thoughts to you.... stay strong and loving.

Oh, SadinMichigan, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I know it's one of the hardest things you've probably ever done. I will be in exactly the same place in a few months. We have caregivers for my mom now - also w/ALZ - but will only be able to afford it for a few more months. Then we'll be forced to do the same thing you're doing. I so want her timeline to be the same as ours - for her to get to the point where she won't know she's no longer at home at the same time we have to make the move - but am very afraid that won't be the case. I dread the day and am very empathetic to what you're going through. I hope you and your mom will find peace and comfort at this horribly difficult time. You're a good, loving daughter - your mom knows that, too. All the best to both you you.

I took my Dad to the Dr. and had the Dr. tell him he needed to go to rehab. We brought him over to the NH. We told him that we could bring some of his stuff here because he would be here for a while. So we did, his TV, chair, pictures for his walls and pictures of us. I brought him a bird feeder for outside his window. He loves that.
It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I feel guilty everyday that I can not take care of him. I go see him about 3 times a week now. At first it was every day. He has been there for a year. One day a Dr. came to his room and said your doing good there's really nothing wrong with you, you could go home. I asked my Dad what did you say and he said, I told him No, I like it here! That was a few months ago. That has given me a little relief. You still won't be able to really relax. You still will be living your life around her. But you are doing the best thing for her. Like some one else said it's harder on us then on them most of the time.
Thank God she has a sibling like you that cares.