Thinking of taking my Mom with dementia out of the nursing home to live with me. Have I lost my mind?

Pandora, you will be opening Pandora's Box doing this. I have a suggestion. What about going and staying with her at the nursing home for a week or so? I'm sure staff would cooperate and let you take care of all of her needs.

I also have to ask why is she in a nursing home? I always thought that it had to be medically necessary for a nursing home to admit them. What part of her care is considered medically necessary?

Countrymouse, I moved her into a new facility in the state I live in 5 mos. ago & she did great. She was pretty neglected where she was. I was nervous about the move being hard on her, but she was just fine. She is not your textbook case.

Also, she takes no medication.

She is no longer narcissistic, borderline or even unpleasant, Jeanne. When she developed dementia she became sweet, cooperative....A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON! At the nursing home they tell me that she is a "delight".......my sister & I do the eye roll.

I was all set to encourage you to take Mom into your home ... until the word narcissistic popped up. NO! No. Do not endanger the peaceful relationship you have now settled into. Visit her more often. Advocate for her at the NH, on issues that are really important. But do so from a safe base. It is so wonderful that you and Mom have reach a better relationship. Enjoy it.

And what happens if you die of a heart attack, or are even sick with the stomach flu for 2 days?

I vote no.

WOAH!!! Narcissism? And, by a curious coincidence, little dissatisfactions are creeping in with the NH? And now that she's not living with you she's so sweet she's a different person?

Pandoralou, I urge you to consult Emjo. Do not, in any circumstances, invite your mother over your threshold. Enjoy her all-new personality in the NH instead. God bless you for being such a loving daughter.

I agree that at some point, she will really need the nursing home and that then she won't want to go there. Leave her where she's at, IMHO.

Good points. I do have a pretty good relationship with the management, but they make promises that they do not keep. I am especially upset that they have lost her hearing aid molds twice & now her entire aid, which is less than 1 year old.

It can be done, I've seen it done - though the lady in that case was in her own home throughout: I agree that the change in environment wouldn't be a good start. Also, the daughter (your equivalent) was supported by her three adult children, who took it on themselves to work out a kind of rota for helping with Granny. And even then I used to find their situation a bit hair-raising at times, and suggested they think about other options (the daughter wouldn't hear of it).

The money would help. And it's lovely that you have a special bond with your mother. But the thing is, that won't have prepared you for the 24/7, never off-duty, responsibility which in itself is a real strain, one that no one can relieve you of, ever; and with the only end to it being the one you want to avoid.

I think it's a big risk to take, for uncertain reward. What happens if you get ill? What happens if your lovely mother develops another condition which makes it impossible for you to manage her, even with help? What happens if exhaustion spoils your relationship with your mother?

If your mother were actively unhappy, or you were unhappy with the standard of care she's getting, it would be different. What are the aspects of her NH you think are not up to scratch? Do you have the kind of relationship with the home's management that would let you work with them to improve things?

Yes, she was a piece of work before demenyia set in. Now she is the sweetest little old lady you will ever meet. Go figure! Thanks to everyone for your advice. It is a big decision.

I should have researched better...

I just read a question you answered from 2011 stating your Mom has narcissistic tendencies and you have been in counseling for years!

Why would you want to go back there? The NH obviously has her meds under control. Think this through!!

I agree with the advice about visiting her often.. Go everyday if you want but taking her to your home will only confuse her more.

If you are at the NH to monitor her care then you'll see and hear everything..

Stay overnight at the NH for several nights and you'll realize that the professionals at the NH know what they are doing.

24/7 care if very demanding and I understand you are only 60 but she could live into her 100's and you'll also be aging.

Visit her often, every day, bring her treats, rent movies to watch with her, take her for strolls.....but do not bring her home. Eventually she will NEED the home and then she will not want to go there.

I am 55 and my Mama just turned 90. She had always been in excellent physical health, is on no meds, other than Xarelto which she now takes because she has become totally bedfast. She has advanced dementia but still has her good and bad days. I agree you need to follow your heart. I left my job and moved back home (2 1/2 hours away) and to be honest, kind of did myself in financially by doing so, but I , speaking only for me here, but would take nothing for being here with Mama. I only wish I had come sooner when she was still able to get around and I could have done more with her. It is hard, and there are days where you think you probably lost your mind to do it, but I have far more days , most in fact, where I am so thankful to be able to do this. Think it through, and follow your heart....

Pandora, one thing nobody has asked is how long has she been in the facility? Moving a person with dementia is very hard on them. They become increasingly disoriented which is also hard on them physically. Think this over thoroughly before you make the decision. My gut feeling is to leave her be, it sounds as if her current situation is working for her. That is the most important consideration.

Hello,

after caregiving for both my parents 2 1/2 years, yes the answers given do point out the risks/negatives that can and do occur HOWEVER it is my humble opinion that you should follow your heart. Do it and give it your best for as long as you can. You may find it is a lifestyle change or it is a commitment that is more than you can handle. You can return her to her current situation if in time it has to go back to it. Then you will know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you were open to the spirit and will make up your own mind...Just pray for the patience, courage and strength because each day will present it trials and tribulations. The love you have will be tested as you follow your heart however it sounds like you are ready to try and it may be a blessing for your mother and you to experience for a period together.. GraceofGod

Why did she go into the nursing home in the first place?

It's great that your Mom is still physically healthy which means she could live to be 102. The home your Mom is currently in must be doing something right for her to be so healthy and pleasant.

I see what my boss is going through with his home caregivers for his wife, who has Alzheimer's, who is also very cooperative and pleasant to be around. There are days my boss can't come to work because the caregiver called out because her child was home sick from school, or she had a doctor's appointment, or her car won't start. And my boss rushing out the door of the office to be home in time to let the caregiver leave at 5:00 p.m. the end of her shift. It's really draining him.

I also thought I was a very capable person thinking when I was younger about having my parents live with me would be wonderful. Right now they are still independent in their own home, all I need to do is drive them, and I've been driving them for the past 5 years. My capability has now become resentment, frustration, and I am emotionally drained. It's become highly stressful, and I'm afraid my parents will outlive me. It's not a happy life.

So, you will need to weigh the pros and cons after reading other answers to your question.

Well of course she CAN.

Let's get a grip on reality here. Nobody goes to a Nursing Home simply because they pee their pants. Have a long heart to heart chat with her MD as to whether a 60 year old can care for a 90 year old.