Thinking of taking my Mom with dementia out of the nursing home to live with me. Have I lost my mind?

Let's get a grip on reality here. Nobody goes to a Nursing Home simply because they pee their pants. Have a long heart to heart chat with her MD as to whether a 60 year old can care for a 90 year old.

Well of course she CAN.

It's great that your Mom is still physically healthy which means she could live to be 102. The home your Mom is currently in must be doing something right for her to be so healthy and pleasant.

I see what my boss is going through with his home caregivers for his wife, who has Alzheimer's, who is also very cooperative and pleasant to be around. There are days my boss can't come to work because the caregiver called out because her child was home sick from school, or she had a doctor's appointment, or her car won't start. And my boss rushing out the door of the office to be home in time to let the caregiver leave at 5:00 p.m. the end of her shift. It's really draining him.

I also thought I was a very capable person thinking when I was younger about having my parents live with me would be wonderful. Right now they are still independent in their own home, all I need to do is drive them, and I've been driving them for the past 5 years. My capability has now become resentment, frustration, and I am emotionally drained. It's become highly stressful, and I'm afraid my parents will outlive me. It's not a happy life.

So, you will need to weigh the pros and cons after reading other answers to your question.

Why did she go into the nursing home in the first place?

Hello,

after caregiving for both my parents 2 1/2 years, yes the answers given do point out the risks/negatives that can and do occur HOWEVER it is my humble opinion that you should follow your heart. Do it and give it your best for as long as you can. You may find it is a lifestyle change or it is a commitment that is more than you can handle. You can return her to her current situation if in time it has to go back to it. Then you will know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you were open to the spirit and will make up your own mind...Just pray for the patience, courage and strength because each day will present it trials and tribulations. The love you have will be tested as you follow your heart however it sounds like you are ready to try and it may be a blessing for your mother and you to experience for a period together.. GraceofGod

Pandora, one thing nobody has asked is how long has she been in the facility? Moving a person with dementia is very hard on them. They become increasingly disoriented which is also hard on them physically. Think this over thoroughly before you make the decision. My gut feeling is to leave her be, it sounds as if her current situation is working for her. That is the most important consideration.

I am 55 and my Mama just turned 90. She had always been in excellent physical health, is on no meds, other than Xarelto which she now takes because she has become totally bedfast. She has advanced dementia but still has her good and bad days. I agree you need to follow your heart. I left my job and moved back home (2 1/2 hours away) and to be honest, kind of did myself in financially by doing so, but I , speaking only for me here, but would take nothing for being here with Mama. I only wish I had come sooner when she was still able to get around and I could have done more with her. It is hard, and there are days where you think you probably lost your mind to do it, but I have far more days , most in fact, where I am so thankful to be able to do this. Think it through, and follow your heart....

Visit her often, every day, bring her treats, rent movies to watch with her, take her for strolls.....but do not bring her home. Eventually she will NEED the home and then she will not want to go there.

I agree with the advice about visiting her often.. Go everyday if you want but taking her to your home will only confuse her more.

If you are at the NH to monitor her care then you'll see and hear everything..

Stay overnight at the NH for several nights and you'll realize that the professionals at the NH know what they are doing.

24/7 care if very demanding and I understand you are only 60 but she could live into her 100's and you'll also be aging.

I should have researched better...

I just read a question you answered from 2011 stating your Mom has narcissistic tendencies and you have been in counseling for years!

Why would you want to go back there? The NH obviously has her meds under control. Think this through!!

Yes, she was a piece of work before demenyia set in. Now she is the sweetest little old lady you will ever meet. Go figure! Thanks to everyone for your advice. It is a big decision.

It can be done, I've seen it done - though the lady in that case was in her own home throughout: I agree that the change in environment wouldn't be a good start. Also, the daughter (your equivalent) was supported by her three adult children, who took it on themselves to work out a kind of rota for helping with Granny. And even then I used to find their situation a bit hair-raising at times, and suggested they think about other options (the daughter wouldn't hear of it).

The money would help. And it's lovely that you have a special bond with your mother. But the thing is, that won't have prepared you for the 24/7, never off-duty, responsibility which in itself is a real strain, one that no one can relieve you of, ever; and with the only end to it being the one you want to avoid.

I think it's a big risk to take, for uncertain reward. What happens if you get ill? What happens if your lovely mother develops another condition which makes it impossible for you to manage her, even with help? What happens if exhaustion spoils your relationship with your mother?

If your mother were actively unhappy, or you were unhappy with the standard of care she's getting, it would be different. What are the aspects of her NH you think are not up to scratch? Do you have the kind of relationship with the home's management that would let you work with them to improve things?

Good points. I do have a pretty good relationship with the management, but they make promises that they do not keep. I am especially upset that they have lost her hearing aid molds twice & now her entire aid, which is less than 1 year old.

I agree that at some point, she will really need the nursing home and that then she won't want to go there. Leave her where she's at, IMHO.

WOAH!!! Narcissism? And, by a curious coincidence, little dissatisfactions are creeping in with the NH? And now that she's not living with you she's so sweet she's a different person?

Pandoralou, I urge you to consult Emjo. Do not, in any circumstances, invite your mother over your threshold. Enjoy her all-new personality in the NH instead. God bless you for being such a loving daughter.

And what happens if you die of a heart attack, or are even sick with the stomach flu for 2 days?

I vote no.

I was all set to encourage you to take Mom into your home ... until the word narcissistic popped up. NO! No. Do not endanger the peaceful relationship you have now settled into. Visit her more often. Advocate for her at the NH, on issues that are really important. But do so from a safe base. It is so wonderful that you and Mom have reach a better relationship. Enjoy it.

She is no longer narcissistic, borderline or even unpleasant, Jeanne. When she developed dementia she became sweet, cooperative....A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON! At the nursing home they tell me that she is a "delight".......my sister & I do the eye roll.

Also, she takes no medication.

Countrymouse, I moved her into a new facility in the state I live in 5 mos. ago & she did great. She was pretty neglected where she was. I was nervous about the move being hard on her, but she was just fine. She is not your textbook case.

Pandora, you will be opening Pandora's Box doing this. I have a suggestion. What about going and staying with her at the nursing home for a week or so? I'm sure staff would cooperate and let you take care of all of her needs.

I also have to ask why is she in a nursing home? I always thought that it had to be medically necessary for a nursing home to admit them. What part of her care is considered medically necessary?

It is so wonderful that Mom has changed for the better. Awesome. It may or may not be permanent. Dementia is a highly changing disease. Enjoy this new opportunity for a close relationship. Cherish this unexpected gift. And don't risk ruining it. Keep her where she is. Visit her often. Bring her to your house for holidays and an occasional weekend.

Don't move her in with you.

Pandora, do not make this decision based on a lost hearing aid. Did you realize when new hearing aids are purchased there is insurance included with them that covers loss? In my mom's case she can have each one replaced once in the first two years.

SDS, reminds me of another issue that needs to be considered. What if you take her out, she is self pay now, will she pay you now instead? If so, make sure there is a care agreement in place before you receive a dime. When the money runs out, then in theory Medicaid will kick in. What if you realize that you just cannot do this? You will try to get mom accepted in a nursing home, mom is out of money, will need to go into care on Medicaid which is very difficult to do. Most facilities require a period of private/self pay before they will assist with Medicaid applications.

Pandora, obviously you are a kind and loving daughter. My siblings and I had the same situation. When mom was 92, we moved her from her house to senior living thinking she could live out the time she had left with comfort, friends, mental stimulation and less responsibilities. She had no meds, no physical problems, was fairly mentally sharp - we never thought she would live so long, its been 8 years. At 92, she was slipping and not taking care of herself, but over the years she had increasing dementia. She is still physically healthy, but mentally, - we could never live with her, she is not an easy person to be around for more than a few hours.. Consider carefully whether you are up to taking care of the physical and emotional problems that progress as old age kicks in. Know that although your mom is healthy now, she may be with you for many years, and her mind and body will deteriorate quickly in her 90's. My sibling and I could have managed her at home years ago, but now, we are older with our own health problems and we are glad we moved her when we did. She has friends and is happy there. If you bring your mother home and problems arise, you might have to move her back to a nursing home. Would it upset her? Is it possible for you to find a better home? If you choose to bring her home, just do it with the understanding that many things happen as a person ages.

Yes, you are all right. She is better where she is. But believe me, Shakingoffdust, no one is going to benefit financially from my mother. She is one broke woman. And no, one does not forget decades of abuse, but my goal was to forgive and I have done that.
She is starting to have trouble swallowing and when I really think long and hard about this, she will need skilled nursing care more in the future. She is not physically ill, except for dementia, but that will start to cause more physical problems for her. So I will keep her where she is, visit often, keep my eye on her care, see if her aids were insured, communicate with the staff and try to let my mother know that I love her in spite of it all. It is not about what kind of person she was. It is about what kind of person I want to be.

Take in the whole picture, Pandoralou, she is happy where she is and cooperative. Taking her back in with you will undo all that. She will revert to the narcissistic, manipulative person she was before. In her present setting she has learned that good behavior brings positive interaction. The bait is very sweet, don't take it. She is happy. You are happy. Leave it that way.

Phew.

I respect your refusal to hold on to the hurt, Pandoralou. Forgiving is different from forgetting; I was afraid you might have forgotten, for a moment. Good for you, you are in the right, and I hope your mother continues to do well in her NH. Best of luck x

do what your heart says.i have been the caregiver to my mother in law for the last 4 years. she had strokes,completely incontitent, confined to a wheel chiar,in advance of dementia, puree diet, she is on 4 meds, me and my husband are her sole caregivers. and i would never think of putting her back in a home. her doctors and other family said she wouldnt make it a year outside of the nursing home. well here it is going on 4 years. i dont know what state you live in but i get paid through medicaide to care for her. am not going to lie and sayu it is a breeze cause it is not. it is trying and works on your nerves. but i refuse to let her spend the last few months,years around strangers. she really only knows or remembers a few people. she also goes to a adult daycare 4 days a week for 6 hours a day wheich she loves. she calls it school. but in short you do what you feel is right by your mom and what is in your heart. dont listen to others that have never been there or done that.

I just want to add: do not bring her to your place out of guilt! She is being properly cared for, has a social surrounding with activities. I am in agreement with those who say, visit her often for as long as you want, take her to lunch or have lunch with her, go to family events at the NH with her, etc. She could be brought to your home for family gatherings even, if she's able. YOU, however, will be a better daughter/caretaker by having your private time each day. Trust me, I know what I'm saying. I had my mon in a NH for about 5 yrs. And did all that I'm suggesting to you. It was somewhat demanding but NOTHING compared to what I'm going through now - taking care of my husband at home with NO breaks. Remember you will be responsible to run her to every DR appt., give up all of you activities - EVERYTHING - you might say "give up your life." Listen carefully to advice offered and think it over well!