Thinking about taking mom on family vacation but she will need in-room attendance. Can this be arranged?

Bring plenty of diapers, chucks, & everything you usd at home. Would it really be a "vacation". Or you can bring aide w you & pay for her working vacation?

I admire how you treat your mother. And how you want to have her join
Your family outings.your mother will like that. It will make her happy ,just make sure that the car or plane ride is comfortable and have lots of space .and start your trip with a prayer

I decided not to go on the trip. I truly think it would be hard on my husband. I also don't want to spoil my son's family's vacation. They have said they want us along but defer to my judgement. I don't regret my decision in any way or even feel sorry for myself. My husband is relatively happy at home and I don't want to rock the boat and risk him being agitated on the trip or worse, have a set back. I'm sure this is the best decision for me and my husband.

Tea4me,

You've listed your various options and opinions about them. I was wondering which one you have decided to do or none of them? It sounds to me like no matter which way you go there will be worries. What will be best for him, for you, and everyone on the trip?

I had been planning on going on a family cruise plus four days in the Caribbean on land with my husband who has later stage AD. We were going with our son and his family. My husband still knows close family and friends but his short term memory is almost non existent. Luckily he is mostly continent and seldom has accidents. In the past few months his dementia has worsened and he now gets very confused if he is in unfamiliar surroundings (stores, restaurants, even homes of family and friends). I would not consider hiring someone I was not familiar with to stay with him at our home or on vacation. I would worry too much. I did consider placing him in respite care in a facility near our home. I have the same worries that Grandma1954 had - the adjustment being hard for him going into the facility, not having me around for two weeks, and also his adjustment coming back to our home at the end of my vacation. So I decided it just wasn't worth it. The worry between now and then about how he will react to being on the cruise - new surroundings, lots of people, eating out all the time - was getting to me. I am also concerned that the experience will make him lose ground and his symptoms will worsen. Grandma 1954, I'm so glad placing your husband in respite care worked out for you and I think that is probably the best suggestion for Family Guy. If I could be sure that my husband would respond well to respite care I would definitely do that.

A relative wanted his mother, who was in the early stages of dementia, to fly across the country to his son's wedding. He had a vision of The Grand Old Lady sitting in a place of honor, holding court, 'oh, look, the grandmother is here, oh, the old darling'. He said, 'why not hire her caregiver to come along?' At $25 an hour? On a long flight with stopovers and changes, waiting hours to get on another flight? With the mother not able to shuffle 100 yards at a time and needing a diaper? The mother flat out refused to go, she still had wits to realize that! .... Even if they are placid and docile most of the time, they can freak out when they're in a strange place, yes, even if "YOU" are there. It's a nightmare of logistics. JMO.

Remember that even if you take a caregiver with you to provide 3-5 hours of daily care, you will have to pay them for 24 hours every day that they're there with you. I can't say with any certainty whether or not local agencies would allow a HHA to care for your mother in a hotel or on a transient basis. There are many risks & liabilities with that. If your mother falls in the hotel room or anywhere inside the hotel, or if the HHA is injured within the hotel, you will be entering a muddy area as far as personal injury/worker's compensation/agency liability, which an agency may very well not want to walk into. You can't just hire an agency HHA to come in for 3-5 hours a day either---agencies do home assessments to ensure that the environment is safe for the HHA and the person needing care, as well as assessing the needs of the person to make sure they don't require more care than a HHA can provide in an initial intake---different states have different requirements for these things.

An alternative to having her walking far distances would be to take a wheelchair---she would be able to tolerate more activities if it didn't physically wear on her. I assume that no one in the family would be willing to sacrifice 3-5 hours per day to take care of her so you wouldn't have to worry about hiring an HHA. That would probably work out far better & far easier for you and for your mother.

It is so sad when family members can no longer participate in family activities due to this horrible disease. My mom has Alzheimer's - and it seems like as time goes on, there is less and less we can do together. The incontinence issues are enough to not take her. Do you want to have accidents in the car, in a restaurant, while visiting with friends? When I would take mom places, I felt like I was with a toddler again. She literally would be holding herself and I would be frantically running around looking for the nearest bathroom.

Things to consider: does mom wander, will she be open to caregivers that she does not know, will she be agitated being confined to a hotel room, will that make her anxious? Will being in two different hotel rooms really confuse her? Will she get upset when you leave her behind? I took my mom on a few day trips and she had incontinence accidents, she did okay as along as she was with me, but would not have done well with strangers (care aides). As Rosemary 44 mentioned, my mom also urinates on the carpet or in the closet when she cannot find the bathroom. Unfortunately, taking her may turn into a very stressful event; how will it effect the other family members?

Maybe doing something special for her would be better. Could the trip be modified where family members take a day to visit her. That would be very special for her and less stressful.

My wife suffered a TBI with symptoms similar to stage 4 dementia. I too, thought it to be a good idea to take my wife to see her mother. It's a 9 hour car ride with stopping for pee breaks and just stretching. Everything went well till the 8th hour. That last hour was h*ll on earth. She began kicking the dash, trying to open the door to get out and getting very physical, even grabbing the wheel one time and verbally cussed me out with words that would have made a sailor blush. There was no consoling her. I tried every diversion I could think of. Nothing stopped it until she physically wore herself out. This all coming from a woman who is typically docile. We had a fairly good week at her mothers. Her Mom rode back with us and the exact same thing happened. That last hour........nothing helped. Nowadays we have the same caregiver coming in everyday and keep everything the same. She is mostly incoherent, but will occasionally find that sailor language when upset!

I had my hubby in respite care & he enjoyed it. Nothing expected of him & he didn't feel pressured. Back home no problem. This could be her resort vacation while your family are at another super active resort.

Patience is the key to everything

FamilyGuy - I also want to thank you for your compassion as to wanting to take your Mom with you. You don't know how long you have, and I really Thank God, that I did bring my Mom with me on the controlled weekend we had at Rehoboth Beach. By the way, I also had t-shirts made with her name, your telephone and address on them, with nice photos on them. You can get those made at CustomInk.com.

FamilyGuy - I took my mother to Rehoboth Beach, DE, and I stayed in the room with her and watched her for a weekend. I was really glad that I did, as any time she woke up and was confused, I was there. It was not the "family vacation" that some might want, but it was good for her. If you really have a family vacation with a lot of travel, I would suggest that you find a respite care service for her to stay for those three nights, and when you want to take Mom away, make it a simpler, more controlled weekend.

The best solution I think is to contact a Memory Care facility near you and ask if you can place her for Respite.
She will probably need a TB skin test or chest X-ray and a Doctors note stating that she is in good health.
She will be "on vacation" and you and your family can enjoy your vacation as well.
I placed my Husband for Respite and I must tell you I did worry that I would not be able to bring him home after several weeks of "institutional" living but he adjusted to the facility quite well and getting him home was no problem at all.
The facility will contact you if there are any problems.
You can have friends stop in and check on her as well.
This will also give you a break from care giving and that is what you need and what the family needs.
Your Mom may not like it at first but she would not do well with the travel as well as nights in a different hotel room.


If you insist and truly feel that you need to take her do a search for Agencies that will come in and watch her. If she has no health problems you may just need a "companion" if she needs to be changed or fed you may have to get someone else that is qualified. It depends on the regulations that the particular agency follows.
You will probably still need the medical note stating that she is in good health as well as the TB skin test. 

As Momshelp said "A lot of work for her"

To me its worth the work if Mom can appreciate it. Can she? By the time my Mom came to live with me, she couldn't use a remote or a phone. Reality, TV and dreams were one and the same. She had a little girl she talked to. She walked with a walker. We had a shower put in our powder room for her by a friend of the family. He was so proud of his work but she could not appreciate what he did for her. If Mom can't appreciate and enjoy the vacation, then I wouldn't take her. I would check out respite care. This way you don't have to worry about having strangers in ur home and having to stock up while ur gone. But then you may be the kind of person that the extra effort you take doesn't bother you. For you its just being with Mom. Some Hotels do provide babysitters but have never heard of providing CNAs.

FamilyGuy, what my boss did because his wife had Alzheimer's, he brought along on vacation her regular caregiver and that worked out great. Except for the cost, the Agency charged him 24 hours per day.

But I have a feeling that your Mom doesn't have any Agency caregivers right now taking care of her. And she would need time to get to know the caregivers and see which one she would like as a regular.

What I am concerned about, if you hire a caregiver in the cities you are visiting, do you know if your Mom would accept these strangers to stay with her for 3 or 5 hours? And I am not sure if an Agency would sent an employee over to a hotel, not first meeting the client and family a day or two prior to the care for an interview.

I think if Mom goes on the trip, someone from the family needs to be with her at all times. Just divide up the care among whom all is going. Maybe whomever is with Mom can find something nice to do in and near the hotel.

Or Mom might decide she needs at nap, I know at 85 I should would !! But don't leave her alone in the room. Nothing scarier then waking up and not know where you are.

I agree if you can't include her in all your activities, then you either have to change what you are doing or leave her at home with a caregiver or in respite care. My mom moved in with us about 5 months ago. We left her overnight once, and then my sister came up to stay with her. We're planning another overnight at my son's house, but I can't see Mom doing that. When she moved in with us, she was very confused. She gets a bit confused when people stay with us. She starts hiding things again. I have a caregiver who is willing to spend the night with her, so in September we're going to try that. It's just for one night. I'm working up to a real vacation in the winter where someone will have to stay with her for a week. We all need a break, so I would think that leaving Mom at home might be the best solution for your family.

My mother is early stage dementia. No wandering, some incontinence, but that's lasik related, & no strange behavior in public yet. I've taken her on 1 4/5 day trip & 2 weekend trips since May with no problems. The trips were a lot of work for me. The longest trip had no accessible rooms available so I carried everything inc bedside commode. I try to have things in the same place they are at home & that helped a lot. At night she got confused, in the room or outside, where was she? Where was her dog? etc. I was with her constantly & that was her constant same as at home. I don't think she would've been ok with a strange caregiver in a strange room. I agree with CM someone she's comfortable with will need to stay behind with her. Maybe take a caregiver she knows with you? Only you know how advanced in early stage she is, honestly for my mom the stress right now on trips is more her liquid & salt restriction from CHF than the dementia. Good luck hope it can happen for you.

I appreciate everyone's input and will duly re-consider. 85% of the time, Mom is fully alert, reasonably social, and physically functional on a slower level. On day trips with limited walking, no problem. Family trip inclusive of two teenagers. She would not be able to handle extensive walking-around in congested areas and we would not want to
have her involved in a 3-4 hour long outdoor ferry tour hence my inquiry regarding an In-room Care Giver attendance. I plan on calling a few Home Care Services for a opinion before making a final decision.

Just curious - wouldn't it be better to hire people to come into the home to care for her while you're gone? At least she'd still be in familiar surroundings.

The trip, being left alone in the room, not being included in family activities (that's a blow in and of itself)...it's just too much for someone even w/o dementia. Is there a specific reason why you want to take her if she won't be involved with family? Is it a care issue for leaving her at home?

If you do hire temporary caregivers and let her remain at home, start researching early so you can find good ones you can trust. Or perhaps investigate a short respite care at a facility; at least she'd have 24/7 assistance available.

I hate to be a wet blanket, but someone is going to have to be unselfish and not join in with the activities that aren't suitable for your mother. Or find other activities that she can join in.

A new caregiver on top of two new locations is too much for your mother, even assuming you can find a trustworthy service to provide one; and besides it's not like hiring a sitter for a sleeping baby.

As a courtesy to the hotel, you'd better ask if they can provide waterproof mattress protectors. If not, take your own; and if you don't want to cart them around with you then just leave them behind with the hotel bedlinen.

That does sound like a lot of travel for an elderly lady, too. What mode of transport are you using?

Unless your mom is in the earliest stages, this is not a good idea. When my mom was in the early stages, we took her on a few trips. We were going to family homes. We also were with her at all times. It took lots of planning and flexibility to make it work.

This does not sound like a good idea at all. People with dementia do not respond to changes in location very well and I don't think you are going to find a CNA to provide service in a hotel room.