Is taking loved one from assisted living for visits too risky?

My concern about my LO leaving the ALF were well founded. Although, when she was in the ER on Sunday, (she had a bad fall) she cried to go home (she called the ALF her home) it was a different story on Tuesday when we returned from the doctor. She didn't recognize the place and asked why I had brought her there. It was not good. No more leaving the ALF in the afternoon.

It sounds like she may have dementia or alheimers. I would see if the place where she is would let you or see if they think it's safe. Try to see to if you have a lot of family that would help you out. You are smart to think long and hard about this as it shows you love her a lot and you don't want anything to happen to her.

my mother has been in a group home for four yrs takes no med s but a sleeping pill to help her sleep. other 3 ladies there are in no condition to be any company and the lady who is in charge who owns the home is to busy to carry a min of time i;m the only person in my family to visit or do any thing with or for her.some dementia long temr i can;t bring her home . she is very lonley but i have been taken care of my daughter of 59 yrs old with MS and is a quad. it;s hard because . my mom needs more attention then my daughter. my mom is 97 yrs old still can walk with a walker eyes are not good and can;t hear to good but always remember if i don;t get there on time or forget the day.she thinks some one is always taken things fton her she gets upset if i don;t agree with her.she has beged me to come to stay with me for 5 years every day. i feel so guilty most of the time .one sister hasen;t seen her for over 29 years my brother once a year see;s her he lives 15 mil from her calls about the same.just drope s all of it on me even the money help for her needs. my other sister comes once in a while both sis live in Colo.. all this has caused a septeration with us they don;t want any responsabilty.

We never did bring my mom to our home inLR and she did not even want to go back to her home inPgh unless she was going back for good. I brought pictures and we also mostly brought the party to her, though some out trips to restaurants were a pleasure. I think some of those things, even if details were not remembered kind of put money in the bank as far as good mood and quality of life. But I do think there are times that the home visit or pet visit could be worthwhile. We give rehab patients passes to see what it is like to be home or out in the community and sometimes it is a really positive thing...but we do warn them they will not want to come back (they or the parents generally realize they have to.)

Sunny I think you've got it absolutely right. And, yes, if things change and she really could get out and about, then great - but I think you're also right about the 'nice idea in theory but somehow never quite summon up the energy in practice' angle. Wishing you and her many good parties!

I appreciate all the responses. It so helpful to hear what all of you have done and how it's worked out for you.

I've decided that for right now, I'm going to bring the party to her, where she is. After we know a lot more about her diagnosis, then I will reevaluate the issue, but for now, I think the risks outweigh the potential benefit.

I am reminded of the times prior to my cousin going into AL. I would take her to the doctor's office and she was always in a hurry to leave. When we left, she would say she wanted to stop by a restaurant for lunch, but when we got there, she would either decide to not go in or leave before she even ate her food. She would say she wanted to go to the grocery store, but when I said we could stop by she would change her mind and say I could go later without her. I think she says she wants to do things, but she isn't able to follow through with it.

Always take the chance. Always.

What my family has done with Thanksgiving and Christmas is to stagger visits with mom so that someone is with her for the better part of the day. She is an early riser (6am) so I get there first; my sister comes about 1pm or so with a meal (we alternate the holiday cooking) while I go home; then at 3pm or so my husband and sister's boyfriend meet there and stay til mom's bedtime, which is early (7:30pm) and I come back sometime around 4pm...it sounds complicated but really, it's fine; she loves having us there, we put holiday "clings" on her window & have a small Xmas tree decorated on her nightstand.

I do take mom out to get her hair done. She's always enjoyed that and the hairdresser at the facility is awful. But I have stopped taking her home with me. I do think I'd be able to get her to return but it is getting more difficult. And it would confuse her too much. I'm starting to wonder about Thanksgiving and Christmas. Should I even bring her home then? I guess I'll see what the staff thinks on those days. And I may have to switch to the facility hairdresser eventually or learn to cut her hair myself.

Queenanabelle, stop beating yourself up over mom not attending. A huge part of this disease involves the caregiver's GUILT, feeling always that they haven't done enough, or erred in their decision making. Dementia affects the brain in ways that are baffling, and just because mom said she would have liked to go does not translate into it working out well for everyone. The posts from akdaughter and hadenough demonstrate that. I was at a wedding recently where the bride's grandmom, afflicted w/Alzheimer, in a wheelchair, moaned throughout the entire church ceremony loud enough for everyone to hear (and feel terribly uncomfortable; imagine how the poor bride felt) until finally someone had the sense to wheel her outside and sat with her.

Are they missing out on things? YES, in our minds they are. But you have to remember: their thinking patterns are completely different from ours and we cannot anticipate the desires of those with dementia. Physically they often cannot take much more than a simple daily routine while mentally they may have clear enough moments where they can lay a guilt trip on you.

You did the right thing by not bringing her. DON'T allow guilt to cloud yours and your sister's judgement on this.

Took my Mother to my daughter's destination wedding in May. She was OK but constantly said she wants to go home and was really a wet blanket on the whole trip. I would not do it again - she does not remember it now and it would have been a lot less stress and more fun without her.

Queenanabelle, my daughter got married in June, and my mother is in assisted living with no short term memory. I arranged for her to have her hair done at the in-house salon and hired a caregiver from the AL to help my mother dress for the wedding, transport her the 10 miles to the wedding site and to serve as her escort at the festivities. I arranged for a wheelchair because of the walking distance to the site of the outdoor ceremony. (Mom normally uses a walker.) When mom arrived at the wedding site for pictures, she looked at my daughter and said "that looks like a wedding dress!" She attended the ceremony and ate dinner, but wanted to leave soon after eating. The next morning she had no memory of being at the wedding or that there had even been a wedding. I certainly would not have even considered taking mom on a plane or a long car trip to a wedding. The travel would have been very confusing and she would have been too tired to enjoy the wedding. As it is, I am not sure that the effort to get her to the wedding was worth it to her. Show your mom lots of pictures of the wedding and stop feeling guilty.

Recently my son was married and my sister and her family who live a mile from my 95 yr old mom's memory care unit left for 5 days to drive to OR from CA. My sister had set up various people to come visit her in her absence. At the time my mom said go, enjoy, you need to have a good time! I'd made a video of her wishing my son and his new wife congratulations but she didn't ask if she was going or how she would get there. She stopped flying 7 years ago and cannot handle a car ride for very long as she becomes confused as to where she is.

My sister and I called Mom yesterday and she said how she had really wanted to come to my son's wedding and it was the 'only' one she really would have liked to come. We told her it was 92 degrees, the outdoor venue was very difficult to walk on, and part of it was my sister did need a break as she visits her everyday, and part of it was neither of us wanted to be totally responsible for her if she did come. She's in between AL and Memory Care, very with it then not, she can engage in a conversation but her orientation is impaired, but this response of hers coupled with 'I'm sure the other grandmother enjoyed herself" made us so sad and I thought we should have hired a CG to be with her and bring her up on the plane.

My mom also has dementia and lives in an AL facility, she's 82 yrs old. She can't remember what or where she's been within 30 seconds. I moved her 2 1/2 hrs away from her hometown. She's been in AL for 3 months now and she and her dog are doing better. I do go in almost everyday to visit (I'm 20 miles away), especially when she calls me and is confused. I do take mom out shopping with me and I have taken her several times back to her hometown to visit her 2 sisters. She still has her house there and I always have to drive her past it. I haven't had any problem with her Not wanting to leave when it's time. She says she loves to get out and look at everything but within just a few minutes, she doesn't remember being there. I would say for you to try it and if it's too much for her, then maybe small trips would be better. This is still all new to me. Best of luck to you!!

My mom also has dementia and lives in an AL facility, she's 82 yrs old. She can't remember what or where she's been within 30 seconds. I moved her 2 1/2 hrs away from her hometown. She's been in AL for 3 months now and she and her dog are doing better. I do go in almost everyday to visit (I'm 20 miles away), especially when she calls me and is confused. I do take mom out shopping with me and I have taken her several times back to her hometown to visit her 2 sisters. She still has her house there and I always have to drive her past it. I haven't had any problem with her Not wanting to leave when it's time. She says she loves to get out and look at everything but within just a few minutes, she doesn't remember being there. I would say for you to try it and if it's too much for her, then maybe small trips would be better. This is still all new to me. Best of luck to you!!

Oh God Bless you and your family. With tears in my eyes, i say ....(just my opinion) take your Mom to your sister's, just for a visit, if you can. If it was Me in Her shoes, i would feel the same way....Do it if possible. Please let me know the outcome. God Bless All of You

My mother (now 89 y/o) has been in a nursing home for over 2 years, first in one for about 17 months (she could have been in assisted living but neither this nor home care aides were available where she and my father lived) and then in another for the past 10 month with a few weeks out of one in between. My sister and I brought her to her home (where our father was still living, with help from us and neighbors) a couple times during the first stage without problems, and our mother was the one who was urgent to get back to the nursing home in time for their "curfew". She was still able to walk slowly using a walker.

We moved both of them closer to my sister's home and tried to care for them in an apartment, but it was impossible with my father even with aides (he had deteriorated rather quickly and had spent a few months in the first nursing home), and soon it became obvious our mother couldn't adapt and needed too much supervision. She soon joined our father in the "new" nursing home and has been there for the past 19 months. Our father died a couple months ago, and our mother (who has had dementia for a couple years) still wonders where he is sometimes even though she was in the room when it happened. She talks about wanting to get out at least for a visit to my sister's place, but she is now so weak that she has to be picked up even to get into a wheelchair and cannot even prop herself back up if she starts sliding down. In addition, she seems unable to sit very long and almost begs to get back into bed. I tell her we could take her if she could get stronger, which we hope would give her an incentive to try to do so while we realize it will probably never happen.

The bottom line, at least for us, is that it depends on the condition of the person both physically and mentally, and can change over time. It worked before for us but almost certainly wouldn't now.

i am facing the same issue, even though my mom has only been in there for a week...there is no way I would take her out at this time and take her to see her house because she would never go back...she is seeming to calm down some and is not as argumentative and mean but she still talks about going home...I am told they are not meaning to go back to their house but to their heavenly home, I have no idea...Mom has even tried to get in the car with other visitors to let them take her home....as of yet, they dont want me to visit as they are afraid it will make her more aggitated...she does have dementia and cannot remember from one minute to another what she has talked about...this is such a pitiful situation and I am a widow that has to work and provide insurance for myself...it just does not seem right that ever drug addict on the street can get all free assistance but mom has to pay every penny she draws a month to the point that I have to pay her insurance policies and have all utilities disconnected from her house....Our government is not fair in the least toward our older people and "the PEOPLE" who have worked all their lives to have a little something....

NO going back! Mom would obsess for days, be quite angry and insistent that she could live on her own. Keep their focus on where they are. Do not take them out for more than an hour and not during times meds are given or social activities are running. Orient them to place and time at the ALF.

I close my eyes and see my sweet momma sitting in the special armed-stool we bought just for her looking out over the golf course from our deck. While I was picking her up fromthe ALF, my dear husband set up a high table with a red table cloth. He had her glass of wine and some cheese set out for her. I just watched as she took it all in. I would give anything to be able to get her back up on the deck for just one more time. I am thankful for the time we now share on the porch at her ALF; cherishing these moments as they will all too soon be memories as well.

I can understand that it is not safe for her to go to her home while it is being repaired, and that her cat is no longer there, but please consider taking her out to visit with family at least once. If she doesn't deal with it well, take her back. If her short term memory is that bad that she would be confused, she will likely forget what upset her and she won't bother anyone else afterward for long.
I don't have to deal with the side effects, but I would guess that she would enjoy a day or lunch or visit in any family's home environment immensely, and that joy would be worth some minor upset later.
I am sitting here with tears running down my face. I took my mother out for a drive a couple months before she died. We drove down her street and she wanted me to take her to her house so she could "just sit in the living room". She was frail and on oxygen and I was scared to death that she would fall and get hurt, or refuse to get back in the car and go back to the nursing facility. I cannot tell you how often I wish I could have that moment back to let her sit on her sofa and look out on the trees she had enjoyed from her living room.

Oh, with all this going on, I would not be taking someone home without a wheelchair, as i would be so afraid of the person falling, with all this history. The visit at the NH and celebration and pictures would be good.
I ws not aware of all the falls and breaks. I would not want that responsibility.

I appreciate all the comments. It does help me a lot.

Just to make clear what some posters had asked me about. My cousin will soon be 63, but her dementia is severe. It is believed she has AD. The progression has been coming on for years, but I didn't realize it. Now it makes sense. Her father had the same thing, but his progressed later in life.

My cousin has been on disability for arthritis for about 5 years. She walks with a cane. She also has a bone disorder. She has broken numerous bones over the years. They snap very easily. She has broken her shoulder, both ankles, foot, and wrist, this past April. This is another reason I hesitate to take her from the ALF. She also has diabetes and hypertension.

My parents are in their 70's. They don't have dementia, but have various health issues. That's why I moved in with them a couple of years ago to help them out. That has worked out well.

My parents and I are planning on a Birthday visit with gifts, cards and her favorite treats in a couple of weeks. I'll take pictures and post them in her room, so she can see the visit anytime.

You know what Gershun, this is just my opinion, i'm not a professional. But i remember going to the NH to visit, and it is hard a lot of the time. There are times of guilt and not knowing if we are doing the right thing and are they really taking good care of our parents. And you notice that other's not getting visits and you feel so sorry for them. We can't fix it all, but one thing that has helped me, is to give a big smile. To everyone. If there is some kind of talent that you or your loved one has, ck with the nurse station and they will ok that you sing a song or play the piano. Maybe have someone from your church or social circle come and play some songs. They Love the old songs. I have found that it really doesn't matter if they do or don't remember us or a visit etc. Just the 'now' thing. We really don't know what they are thinking or knowing or remembering, and now, it just doesn't matter so much anymore.
Share the smile with everyone you meet. Everyone needs it. Look in the mirror and share one with 'You'.

Also, if you find yourself in a rut, take some time off and go somewhere and get your mind on something else for awhile...Breathe...(i even go to my garage sometimes when i can't go away, and 'SCREAM'...and have been known to be driving thru the country and opening my windows and letting out a scream.

Life goes on, and so do we and so do our loved ones. Actually, coming here to this forum has done me a lot of good. People here have answered so many of my questions, and most of us have been in each other's shoes.

Good Luck and God Bless you for loving your Mom. (-:

My Mom has been in a nursing home now for almost five months now. Previous to that we went through six weeks in hospital where she nearly passed away,six weeks in a rehab facility where she was supposed to get strong but refused to leave her bed and then one month of home health care where her condition went down hell fast.

I went to visit her yesterday at the N H and found out she has no recollection of that three months. None at all. She doesn't even think she is in a nursing home. She told me yesterday that they hadn't fed her for two days which she truly believes. She believes my one sister has never visited her which is not true. I found this visit so discouraging. While I know that the visits and so on are important to her I have come to the realization that I am doing all this mostly for myself cause the guilt I feel when I think about not visiting is too strong. My mom on the other hand probably wouldn't even notice if I didn't visit for a while. My siblings have tried to get it across to me that I need to move on and let my Mom be but the guilt just eats me up inside.

I used to think once my Mom was settled in a facility that I would stop worrying myself to death about her and just breath easy about things but I don't think now that I will ever be able to do this and yesterdays visit really saddened me a lot for some reason. Seeing the faces of the other residents when I walk out of the place knowing that some of them never get a visit from a loved one even makes me feel guilty. How do I get past this? Does anyone out there know anything that makes this easier?

my dad moved to AL on 7/7. He has moderate dementia. I took him out just Saturday to run errands with me and lunch it was fine. I am sure that will change.

I have read your question, and have not looked at how other people have answered. What I would do is go somewhere but nowhere near home. It is in my opinion too risky to bring up old memories. Why go through the pain? I have been in the same situation with my mother, and if we even drive on the street where the home is, then she becomes agitated.

That being said however, every person is different, so just go by your own gut feeling.

I think a trip for ice cream or something would be a very good first start.

All of your comments and suggestions are well timed, I am worried and concerned about taking my husband out for a drive and lunch, also there is a specialists appointment coming up in less than 3 weeks. He has been in care for just over a month and most visits with him are all around him getting out of there, constantly, it does not matter what I bring him as in treats, dark chocolate even did not get a smile out of him, now just yesterday he was great, not even once did he mention escaping…it felt good to be with him, he was even a little playful which was so nice to see. I agree in not risking bringing him home, but maybe lunch out in our neighbourhood might be a good first try…thanks for this wonderful column, great topics and comments, really enjoy it, so good to hear others experiences.

I love Carol's advice - redirect, reassure, move on to another topic. My Mom is moving to an assisted living facility this week and the stress is gigantic. Not for her but for me. She forgets in 5 minutes but I know what is going on. I know she is going to want to go "home" for maybe 3 weeks, 3 months or 3 years - it is such a common mantra for the person with dementia. It has already started about how she has to call "those" people (the assisted living faciltiy) to cancel her apartment. I just change the topic of conversation. It is really hard but I have a lot of very bright, empathetic people on this site to ask for advice and they always come thru. So no I would not take her "home" since that does not exist except in her mind. Keep the visits as positive as you can - good luck.

Sunny if you have any serious concerns - not just about her refusing to return, but more general ones about her wellbeing - then don't take her. Better safe than sorry. On the other hand, don't worry about her not being able to recall her visitors even a short time afterwards: it's still worth doing, and she is still benefiting from that kind of attention even if the finer points seem to have escaped her!

Why are you so keen on getting her out and about? Just because she is asking, or are you concerned that she's not getting enough stimulation in her residence? By all means talk to the staff about it, it's a good idea to see yourself as part of her overall care team.