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My LO who has AD has been at AL for about two months. At first she constantly talked of wanting to go home, but that has stopped. She then asked about going to her home to visit there and see her cat. That is not possible as her cat is gone and her house is being repaired. She cannot go there. I told her I would investigate if that would be possible and she has accepted that.


Now she has asked if I can take her to my parents house to visit with us for the day. She's my mom's first cousin, my second cousin. She is 63 years old and is also disabled due to arthritis.


She has significant dementia and forgets what was said or done only 5 minutes ago, so she repeats the same thing over and over. She also cannot follow a conversation.


I'm afraid if she gets at our house she may refuse to get back in the car to return. Should I take the chance?

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I once had a staff member mess up in the same way with an issue my mother had. I about had a heart attack. I thought they had better sense. That being said, most of the staff that I've worked with have been excellent and used good sense. There's always a newbie or someone who just doesn't get it.

I'm glad that you have a good understanding about this, Sunnygirl. These ideas of going home or visiting someone will eventually fade and your loved one will move on.

If you take people in that stage of dementia "home" - well, home isn't what they remember and it just opens a can of worms. Generally, it's best to work through it, re-direct, use all of the diversionary tactics possible and things will move forward. Then, um, repeat as necessary.

Take care,
Carol
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Don't.
My mom has severe dementia. I put her in AL last year. My wife insisted we take her home on weekends and holidays as much as we could. She never considered the AL "Home" after that and she was full of anxiety between visits waiting for us to take her to our house. She drove the AL staff bonkers and like your case, she does not know what day it is or remember anything said for 5 minutes. The AL kicked her out and she lives with me now. Next step is NH
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It sounds like my mother is in the same stage. I've never taken mother back home because, in spite of the dementia, she's strong enough to hold her ground and not move and I don't think I could even drag her away. It seems now that she doesn't even remember the last house she lived in anyway.
Certain relatives and family friends come to visit and 10 minutes later she doesn't even remember the visit. But the important thing is that the resident have as much interaction as possible. We encourage EVERYBODY to come visit, so what if she forgets they came, or their name, it's what's in the moment that's important.
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I wouldn't do this. Often dementia patients say they want to go somewhere or see someone, but they have in their mind the place or person they knew as a much younger person. Then, when faced with reality, they become confused and disoriented. Visit with her, encourage others to visit. Take some photos, old and new, and relive her past that way if possible.
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When I moved my parents 1000+ miles to an AL in my town, the caregivers said don't ever have my parents spend the night (which never crossed my mind as they both had dementia and other physical issues.) Maybe it was because nothing was familiar that I really didn't have trouble getting them back to the AL. Daddy is gone now and Momma can no longer be moved to a car. We push her around the facility and often push her to McDonald's and a local restaurant. This satisfies her. I probably do it more for me than her as she's very fragile, tired and I fear nearing the end. I just want her to have a change of scenary.
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My mom has been living in the same home for 60 years, yet has started asking to "go home". Now I understand what others have suggested in that "home" means something very different than what we think it means.
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I appreciate all the comments. It does help me a lot.

Just to make clear what some posters had asked me about. My cousin will soon be 63, but her dementia is severe. It is believed she has AD. The progression has been coming on for years, but I didn't realize it. Now it makes sense. Her father had the same thing, but his progressed later in life.

My cousin has been on disability for arthritis for about 5 years. She walks with a cane. She also has a bone disorder. She has broken numerous bones over the years. They snap very easily. She has broken her shoulder, both ankles, foot, and wrist, this past April. This is another reason I hesitate to take her from the ALF. She also has diabetes and hypertension.

My parents are in their 70's. They don't have dementia, but have various health issues. That's why I moved in with them a couple of years ago to help them out. That has worked out well.

My parents and I are planning on a Birthday visit with gifts, cards and her favorite treats in a couple of weeks. I'll take pictures and post them in her room, so she can see the visit anytime.
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Sunny I think you've got it absolutely right. And, yes, if things change and she really could get out and about, then great - but I think you're also right about the 'nice idea in theory but somehow never quite summon up the energy in practice' angle. Wishing you and her many good parties!
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Queenanabelle, my daughter got married in June, and my mother is in assisted living with no short term memory. I arranged for her to have her hair done at the in-house salon and hired a caregiver from the AL to help my mother dress for the wedding, transport her the 10 miles to the wedding site and to serve as her escort at the festivities. I arranged for a wheelchair because of the walking distance to the site of the outdoor ceremony. (Mom normally uses a walker.) When mom arrived at the wedding site for pictures, she looked at my daughter and said "that looks like a wedding dress!" She attended the ceremony and ate dinner, but wanted to leave soon after eating. The next morning she had no memory of being at the wedding or that there had even been a wedding. I certainly would not have even considered taking mom on a plane or a long car trip to a wedding. The travel would have been very confusing and she would have been too tired to enjoy the wedding. As it is, I am not sure that the effort to get her to the wedding was worth it to her. Show your mom lots of pictures of the wedding and stop feeling guilty.
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Took my Mother to my daughter's destination wedding in May. She was OK but constantly said she wants to go home and was really a wet blanket on the whole trip. I would not do it again - she does not remember it now and it would have been a lot less stress and more fun without her.
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