Taking care of someone after hip replacement...

Oh, Dear!?! So your husband that you are divorced from needs hip revision surgery because one of his hip surgeries didn't graft properly? You know that it is all his fault since he didn’t go to PT. Maybe you should just let him complain for a while and not respond to any of his complaining since all he does is fight with you. Even though he is miserable, it is HIS PROBLEM, not yours. You can not fix his hip problems if he doesn't participate in the surgery or the physical therapy after surgery.

BUT NOW, YOU are having problems with your hip and may need a hip replacement??? And of course, he is not going to take you to rehab or physical therapy. If you have the hip replacement done, you could spend some time in a sub-acute or rehab section of a nursing home where you could have physical therapy and occupational therapy and then after 30 days or so, you can go home. I have several friends who have done that. They say that the food is "okay", for institutional food, but they enjoyed the friendship of the other people who were doing rehab therapy.

Yuki--
Wow, your situation sounds a LOT like mine. DH doesn't know how to do anything for himself---and is impossible in caregiving situations.

He has had 2 shoulder repairs, ankle, numerous knee injuries to rehab from, a LIVER TRANSPLANT!!! Post op infection, 84 weeks of chemo, a stroke, and then a near fatal motorcycle accident--through all of this I worked, raised 5 kids, cared for him and wore myself out.

I had 2 back surgeries and all he did for me was toss me a warm can of Diet Coke. No cup, no ice, and who "tosses" a can??? I woke up one morning to the sight of my very pregnant daughter scrubbing behind the toilet b/c she KNEW he has no clue how to clean..and I couldn't do it. My girls know that the smell of bleach is the smell of love!
(Sigh)

DH is in bad shape, 50+lbs overweight, can't bend down to put on his socks, won't exercise, won't take care of himself, but will wait and wait to see if I am in the kitchen then he'll haul out there and say "hey, if you are making something for yourself for lunch, I'm hungry too". I had to go take care of a newborn grandson and my daughter and family for 12 days. When I came back, he hadn't eaten a thing from the house--he'd gone out every single meal. He did mow the lawn, once, and made a really big deal of it, b/c that's actually MY job.

By my 2nd back surgery, I had a "team" in place. He wasn't on it. I just asked my sweet daughters and their families to do a few things. I asked neighbors and set up things so there'd be no need for him to do/ buy ANYTHING. And he didn't, not an ice pack, not a pain pill, nothing. I scheduled surgery for winter and paid someone to shovel snow.

As frustrating as is it to be the worker bee in the relationship---it is what it is. He's not a terrible guy, he's just never ever grown up to accept that relationships have gives and takes in them. He's not mean, nor abusive, just totally clueless.

He needs his other shoulder done. I seriously don't think I can bear caregiving to him afterwards. He gets really "high" on pain pills and chats a mile a minute and is a real pain to take care of. Demanding and even mean. I'm going to look into a couple weeks of rehab at a facility--but I have a feeling that they'll send him home since I am perfectly fine to care for him (physically).

Stay tough, Yuki. I didn't and paid the price. Take care of you---please!! Do it for both of us, OK???

Where are all the great men who have done caregiving for their wives so lovingly and for so long? He sure had me fooled!!

Dear DeeAnna no , we are not divorced . Still married 40 years and counting, but you don’t see the selfishness until something like this happens, a life changing event. Which is what he had. 2 total hip replacements . Yes he is a different person now. He’s an x alcoholic , and it shows. He refuses to acknowledge that he drink his hips away. He had AVN, which was caused by heavy drinking. Now I never though that up into his face, but boy I wanted too! But I know it will solve nothing. But you have to want to get better, and he doesn’t. Just the attitude , I get from him makes my head explode. I try really hard not to let it show, but sometimes I just want to cry. He’s selfish, and needy. When I need something as always I’m on my own. Thanks for letting me vent. I know one day I have to go down this path, but I’m trying to prepare myself, for no help, and no simply from him, thank Goddess I know what to do. And I also realize my strength . Yuki

Yuki, talk this through with your surgeon. Maybe it would be possible to make sure you don't finish residential rehab until you really are properly back on your feet.

I'm single and glad about it; but that doesn't mean I don't appreciate the value of a lifelong marriage. There must be upsides to yours, yes? Things that make it worth all the work? A sense of achievement, at least, I hope.

I wonder if perhaps the secret to being content in a marriage is partly good expectation management. As you say, there's very little point in confronting your husband with his... shortcomings, is that the word I want? And you know you have the strength to work round them. You will be fine, and you will do well.

But lack of reciprocity is always going to be galling; and venting is good, and this is the place for it! When do you think you might need to sign up for the surgery?

Dear Midkid58 did we marry the same guy??? OMG. I’m so with you baby.i really thought my DH was and is the worst, but got to tell you, where in a dead heat  for better or worse, right? Well they don’t make them like us anymore, that’s for dam sure. I told DH that he’s on his own when he needs surgery, and I will do what he did to me, I’ll set on my porch , and drink beer, and maybe check on him, I’ll advise to put meds by your bed, go stock up on lunch meat and can goods, also I’ll be nice and lower the detergent at lower level So he can do his own laundry! And stock up on the frozen Stouffers . That’s what I’m doing. He won’t like what’s he going to get next surgery, oh plan to ride a bus coming home, I’ll be working! Yuki  evil genius or what.Thanks for your input! Love it

Well done girls you've got the picture.

None of this walking into the kitchen when you have just crawled there with your walker and asking why isn't there any food in the house. "You know where the grocery store is you drive by it every day, and why didn't you get milk when you went for gas for "YOUR" car.
Not knowing where anything is in the grocery store is not an excuse or haveing to wait five minutes in line for check out and having a hissy fit.
Well I won't go on. We all have our own tolerance level
One thing that worked for me was mentioning the way I was being treated amounted to verbal abuse.

Yuki,

Don’t give up on your retirement plans. Instead think of I not we. You can go for long drives, take a flight, explore the sites and see the sights.

He can stay home moaning.

Unfortunately even younger men who think they contribute to all the jobs of running a home and caring for a family, are falling short.

A cousin unexpectedly 10 years ago. Her husband 💭 would have told people he did 50% of the work. After she died he realized he had not frosted shopped, made school lunches, done laundry, booked appointments or taken the kids to the doctor, dentist etc. He BBQed in the summer, but that meant slapping the meat on the grill, nottge shopping, prep nor clean up.

I am on my own after a 22 year marriage and although it was hard in the beginning, my life is much better now.

I live life on my terms not someone else’s.

CountryMouse made a good suggestion that you need to talk about your hip surgery and post-op rehab with your surgeon to determine if "it would be possible to make sure you don't finish residential rehab until you really are properly back on your feet". Will Medicare be paying for the rehab?

Like CountryMouse, I am single which is why I lived with my Mom for 10 years until she went into the nursing home. Focusing on the good and positive aspects of your 40 years of married life will help you cope when your other half doesn't live up to your expectations. And coming to this website to vent your feelings is good for you also. This is the place to vent! You will get hugs and good advice and suggestions and even some "tough love". Let us know when your hip surgery is gong to be.

Dear country mouse & Deeann, I’m trying for 2019. My surgeon wanted to open me up sooner, but I told him my DH was not ready to be own his own. Plus I have to put a roof on my place and that cost money, I’ve been truly awakened with all his hip replacements. I had to do everything. And work 56 hrs a week, so it’s been a tough road for 2 years. I haven’t even had a vacation in 5 yrs. it been a stressful to say the least. I remember not wanting to come home it was so bad, just couldn’t handle seeing him in pain. I don’t know how nurses do it. He’s only after 2 years seeing the light. But his first hip is still not right. And he knows it. I miss going out to dinner, or going on a long motorcycle ride. We don’t do anything like that anymore. Yea he gets around, but at 1:00 pm he’s got to lay down, for 3 hours. He says he’s drained. I know that’s one of the side effects, but how do we retire if he can’t do anything. And my surgeon says your next. Well how do I do that? He can’t do anything, and we don’t have the money to hire all that I’m going to need. He won’t get up in the middle of the nite to give me meds, or ice. I’ve been down that road with him before, he did nothing. He couldn’t even remember to pick me up after surgery, or take me to pt. I I’ve got some thinking to do.

Yuki,
Have you thought of going to counseling to help process your feelings? I went because of my dad's drinking and it helped a lot.

I'm sure your hubby wouldn't go but I think it would do you a lot of good. If you don't have insurance to pay for the counseling, there's Al-Anon in most cities for families of Alcoholics or ex-alcoholics. Meetings are free. There are a bunch of people there in the same position you're in.

I can "feel" your strength and I understand where you are. It's as if you "got your groove back" and nothing is going to stop you now from making sure you take good care of YOU.

You have been stepped on too long. You have put yourself "on hold" too long. You don't have to take cr*p anymore.

You have discovered your power by doing what YOU want to do. We can all choose what we want to do.

A lot of us living with alcoholics (or ex) never took care of ourselves because we were too busy taking care of them.

They hate that we discovered this new found freedom. But it is imparative that we take care of ourselves. Get a girlfriend to go on vacation with you (that's what I did when my ex wouldn't get out of bed).
There is no reason YOU can't go just because he can't/won't.

Life goes on. Today is the first day of the rest of your (new) life.
Grab it, shake it for all its worth and enjoy it!