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Ok I didn’t go one hip replacement I went though 2 with hubby. It has been horrible, I did everything, cooked, bathed, cut the grass, pressure cleaning, garbage, doctor visits, med’s and worked 56 hours a week. No help from anyone! Not even his family. Yea baby. He needs revision surgery, and won’t do it. Didn’t go to PT. It’s a Constant battle, and he’s miserable because the first hip replacement didn’t take. So I get to get all his attitude. Whenever I say maybe you go back to the surgeon and have a checked out I get my head bit off. I’m told you don’t know pain, I went though a baby, 2 rotorcuff surgery ‘, and a hernia surgery All on my own, with no help from him. When I needed PT I drove myself. He even forgot to pick me up from surgery. Nice. I’m venting here. Now I’m having problems with my hip. Now I’m told your on your own, I can’t and won’t help you. Is it me but WTF. 40 yrs in and no where to go. yuki

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SueC1957 Ihave a few girls I confide in & I looked in Al-anon none are close to me. And the on line is usually when I’m working. I read a lot. Pray a lot. I will never be the same as it was, but I getting better at dealing with it. I think I burying my feelings so I don’t have to deal with it. After 40 yrs, I’m tired all the time. That’s why when I go out, with my girlfriend, I don’t want to come home. I come home to angry old man. Not how was your day dear, it let me bitch about everything! It’s like I want to scream I’ve worked 10 hrs in this heat putting food on this table, cleaning, doing it all for what, to do it again the next day. And when I say I’m going out  with the girls, he has his little temper tantrums. It’s like really? He has no friends, and he chose that, not me. What I need is a holiday. Away from everyone. Just venting. Thanks.
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Yuki,
Have you thought of going to counseling to help process your feelings? I went because of my dad's drinking and it helped a lot.

I'm sure your hubby wouldn't go but I think it would do you a lot of good. If you don't have insurance to pay for the counseling, there's Al-Anon in most cities for families of Alcoholics or ex-alcoholics. Meetings are free. There are a bunch of people there in the same position you're in.

I can "feel" your strength and I understand where you are. It's as if you "got your groove back" and nothing is going to stop you now from making sure you take good care of YOU.

You have been stepped on too long. You have put yourself "on hold" too long. You don't have to take cr*p anymore.

You have discovered your power by doing what YOU want to do. We can all choose what we want to do.

A lot of us living with alcoholics (or ex) never took care of ourselves because we were too busy taking care of them.

They hate that we discovered this new found freedom. But it is imparative that we take care of ourselves. Get a girlfriend to go on vacation with you (that's what I did when my ex wouldn't get out of bed).
There is no reason YOU can't go just because he can't/won't.

Life goes on. Today is the first day of the rest of your (new) life.
Grab it, shake it for all its worth and enjoy it!
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Yuki,

Don’t give up on your retirement plans. Instead think of I not we. You can go for long drives, take a flight, explore the sites and see the sights.

He can stay home moaning.

Unfortunately even younger men who think they contribute to all the jobs of running a home and caring for a family, are falling short.

A cousin unexpectedly 10 years ago. Her husband 💭 would have told people he did 50% of the work. After she died he realized he had not frosted shopped, made school lunches, done laundry, booked appointments or taken the kids to the doctor, dentist etc. He BBQed in the summer, but that meant slapping the meat on the grill, nottge shopping, prep nor clean up.

I am on my own after a 22 year marriage and although it was hard in the beginning, my life is much better now.

I live life on my terms not someone else’s.
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Dear Suec1957. Sometimes you feel your the only one going though it. I have no family anymore to talk to. They’ve all passed away. And his family is also all x alcoholics . And there no better off then he is. We had yet again another fight, like usual , and I just left the room, and haven’t spoken to him since. He’s want me to retire in 2 yrs, but I really don’t see the point. To stay home and have him yell at me or hear him say again he’s drained, has to go take his 3 hour nap, it’s like nope gotta go to work. I guess I’m mad because all the things we said we where going to do, in retirement yrs is gone. We  can’t fly, or take a long car ride, and I think he takes it out on me. I keep telling him well maybe go see the doctor again. I get the big NOPE not happening! It takes a long time to recover from a THR, but I knew he wouldn’t do well, with 40 yrs of drinking those bones never healed. So this is my life now, I’m doing the best I can not to explode, but man it’s hard. Thanks so much for understanding. You’ve been there. Yuki
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SueC1957 you nailed it. I’ve excepted bad behavior for 40 yrs, after coming to this forum I believe I’m working on me, and my happiness. You are right I excepted his behavior nope not any more! This girl is on a roll. I’m going to prepare for this next year, I know he won’t help, so no expectations , fine with me, but boy he’s hopeless without me. And funny how you can manage when you find your inter/ strength . I’m on it girls! Look out . After 2 years of having to do everything I’m like u can do it all. And it eats him up. Sweet  justice .
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Well done girls you've got the picture.

None of this walking into the kitchen when you have just crawled there with your walker and asking why isn't there any food in the house. "You know where the grocery store is you drive by it every day, and why didn't you get milk when you went for gas for "YOUR" car.
Not knowing where anything is in the grocery store is not an excuse or haveing to wait five minutes in line for check out and having a hissy fit.
Well I won't go on. We all have our own tolerance level
One thing that worked for me was mentioning the way I was being treated amounted to verbal abuse.
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Yuki,
I sympathize with you, as I grew up with alcoholic parents. Your husband exhibits the signs of a "dry drunk".
From American Addiction Centers;
The term dry drunk syndrome was originally coined by the creators of the 12-Step program, Alcoholics Anonymous.

Author R.J. Solberg defined the term in his 1970 book, The Dry Drunk Syndrome, as “the presence of actions and attitudes that characterized the alcoholic prior to recovery.”

Someone struggling with dry drunk syndrome may still maintain strained relationships with their loved ones. They may still suffer from unhealthy habits, both internally and externally. In short, while they may have quit drinking, the individual has yet to deal with the emotional baggage that led them to alcohol in the first place. Dry drunk syndrome is more common among individuals who quit their addiction on their own, as they do not have a professional support team to guide them through this difficult change in their life. Those who undergo professional treatment for alcohol abuse and addiction are less likely to develop the issue.
------------------------
(Me talking)
Alcoholics are self absorbed and lack the compassion and caregiving qualities most of us possess. Your husband is simply continuing the behaviors of old alcoholic days.

I don't see how you can tolerate someone who won't reciprocate the care you gave him but,at least, you are on the ball with getting everything in order for yourself.

By doing everything in the house, you are accepting his behavior and perpetuating his laziness.
You are (as I was) a good codependent.

Good that you plan ahead. Also that you are setting limits. You can't force HIM to do anything but you CAN change what you want in YOUR life.

Stick to your guns, sister. A relationship like this is hard enough. Watch out for yourself first.

Good luck with your hip surgery next year.
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Dear Midkid58 did we marry the same guy??? OMG. I’m so with you baby.i really thought my DH was and is the worst, but got to tell you, where in a dead heat  for better or worse, right? Well they don’t make them like us anymore, that’s for dam sure. I told DH that he’s on his own when he needs surgery, and I will do what he did to me, I’ll set on my porch , and drink beer, and maybe check on him, I’ll advise to put meds by your bed, go stock up on lunch meat and can goods, also I’ll be nice and lower the detergent at lower level So he can do his own laundry! And stock up on the frozen Stouffers . That’s what I’m doing. He won’t like what’s he going to get next surgery, oh plan to ride a bus coming home, I’ll be working! Yuki  evil genius or what.Thanks for your input! Love it
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Yuki--
Wow, your situation sounds a LOT like mine. DH doesn't know how to do anything for himself---and is impossible in caregiving situations.

He has had 2 shoulder repairs, ankle, numerous knee injuries to rehab from, a LIVER TRANSPLANT!!! Post op infection, 84 weeks of chemo, a stroke, and then a near fatal motorcycle accident--through all of this I worked, raised 5 kids, cared for him and wore myself out.

I had 2 back surgeries and all he did for me was toss me a warm can of Diet Coke. No cup, no ice, and who "tosses" a can??? I woke up one morning to the sight of my very pregnant daughter scrubbing behind the toilet b/c she KNEW he has no clue how to clean..and I couldn't do it. My girls know that the smell of bleach is the smell of love!
(Sigh)

DH is in bad shape, 50+lbs overweight, can't bend down to put on his socks, won't exercise, won't take care of himself, but will wait and wait to see if I am in the kitchen then he'll haul out there and say "hey, if you are making something for yourself for lunch, I'm hungry too". I had to go take care of a newborn grandson and my daughter and family for 12 days. When I came back, he hadn't eaten a thing from the house--he'd gone out every single meal. He did mow the lawn, once, and made a really big deal of it, b/c that's actually MY job.

By my 2nd back surgery, I had a "team" in place. He wasn't on it. I just asked my sweet daughters and their families to do a few things. I asked neighbors and set up things so there'd be no need for him to do/ buy ANYTHING. And he didn't, not an ice pack, not a pain pill, nothing. I scheduled surgery for winter and paid someone to shovel snow.

As frustrating as is it to be the worker bee in the relationship---it is what it is. He's not a terrible guy, he's just never ever grown up to accept that relationships have gives and takes in them. He's not mean, nor abusive, just totally clueless.

He needs his other shoulder done. I seriously don't think I can bear caregiving to him afterwards. He gets really "high" on pain pills and chats a mile a minute and is a real pain to take care of. Demanding and even mean. I'm going to look into a couple weeks of rehab at a facility--but I have a feeling that they'll send him home since I am perfectly fine to care for him (physically).

Stay tough, Yuki. I didn't and paid the price. Take care of you---please!! Do it for both of us, OK???

Where are all the great men who have done caregiving for their wives so lovingly and for so long? He sure had me fooled!!
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Dear Veronica91 I’m way ahead of the game, I saved everything he used, so I’m good there, I even went out and bought him a lift chair. So I’ll be using that is well. I know what to do I’m very good at it. But it’s the cleaning, the seat riser he can’t handle that one, oh and the I can’t manage the pulling the sheets off the bed, I don’t know how to use the washing machine. Da . I told him your going to have to do these things. It’s not a choice.i told him if he can’t help next year, then get out of the way, I’ll hire help for a few months. He doesn’t like outside help coming in, and I told him I won’t live in a filthy house . So he has no choice in this matter. And if he wants to get better, do the revision surgery before I have mine, or tough luck to you. I also told him you don’t work anymore, I’m calling the shots now. He exploded! Too bad. I’m doing it my way, just like you did. And I’m going to PT. And going to rehab for a while, I’m not dumping that on you, like you did me.. I’m hopeful. Yuki
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Yuki it sounds as though you are in reasonable health if you can work 56 hours and take care of hubby. Your surgery won't be anywhere near as hubby as long as all goes well.
Preparation is the name of the game. Get the house well cleaned and plenty of shopping done. If you can get 30 days in rehab you will be pretty mobile by the time you get home, well able to get your own food and drinks. You can get to the bathroom on your own and take care of your own bathing. the only problem is that you can't bend that hip more than 90 degrees for 12 weeks so get one of the grabbers so you can pick things up. Rehab will introduce you to all the gadgets and show you how to get dressed etc.
You will probably be able to have some help at home from visiting nurses and a bath aide. This will be covered by insurance. You will need to obtain your own equipment. You will need a walker, cane and reacher and maybe a bath chair. All of these things are easily found in thrift stores,garage sales and ads. Usually for just a few $s or you may even have stuff from hubby. If all goes well you will be able to drive in about 6 weeks. It is hard work but you can do it without hubby's help. What you won't be able to do is take care of hubby at the same time. Is there someone he could stay with for the duration. he does not need to give you pain pills. Keep the dose you will need overnight at the bedside plus pen and paper so you can note the time you took them. Make sure you also have plenty to drink nearby. A travel mug will keep drinks hot or cold and something to eat in a cooler or thermos.

If you think hubby has the energy to sabotage you get everything together before you leave and hide it.

The hospital will arrange transport from the hospital to rehab so you may have to take a cab home.
Do you have a friend who could say with you for a few days. You really wont need any nursing care unless something goes wrong and it should not.

So cheer up and tell hubby "no big deal I won't need your help, how are you going to manage while I am away?"
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Dear country mouse & Deeann, I’m trying for 2019. My surgeon wanted to open me up sooner, but I told him my DH was not ready to be own his own. Plus I have to put a roof on my place and that cost money, I’ve been truly awakened with all his hip replacements. I had to do everything. And work 56 hrs a week, so it’s been a tough road for 2 years. I haven’t even had a vacation in 5 yrs. it been a stressful to say the least. I remember not wanting to come home it was so bad, just couldn’t handle seeing him in pain. I don’t know how nurses do it. He’s only after 2 years seeing the light. But his first hip is still not right. And he knows it. I miss going out to dinner, or going on a long motorcycle ride. We don’t do anything like that anymore. Yea he gets around, but at 1:00 pm he’s got to lay down, for 3 hours. He says he’s drained. I know that’s one of the side effects, but how do we retire if he can’t do anything. And my surgeon says your next. Well how do I do that? He can’t do anything, and we don’t have the money to hire all that I’m going to need. He won’t get up in the middle of the nite to give me meds, or ice. I’ve been down that road with him before, he did nothing. He couldn’t even remember to pick me up after surgery, or take me to pt. I I’ve got some thinking to do.
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CountryMouse made a good suggestion that you need to talk about your hip surgery and post-op rehab with your surgeon to determine if "it would be possible to make sure you don't finish residential rehab until you really are properly back on your feet". Will Medicare be paying for the rehab?

Like CountryMouse, I am single which is why I lived with my Mom for 10 years until she went into the nursing home. Focusing on the good and positive aspects of your 40 years of married life will help you cope when your other half doesn't live up to your expectations. And coming to this website to vent your feelings is good for you also. This is the place to vent! You will get hugs and good advice and suggestions and even some "tough love". Let us know when your hip surgery is gong to be.
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Yuki, talk this through with your surgeon. Maybe it would be possible to make sure you don't finish residential rehab until you really are properly back on your feet.

I'm single and glad about it; but that doesn't mean I don't appreciate the value of a lifelong marriage. There must be upsides to yours, yes? Things that make it worth all the work? A sense of achievement, at least, I hope.

I wonder if perhaps the secret to being content in a marriage is partly good expectation management. As you say, there's very little point in confronting your husband with his... shortcomings, is that the word I want? And you know you have the strength to work round them. You will be fine, and you will do well.

But lack of reciprocity is always going to be galling; and venting is good, and this is the place for it! When do you think you might need to sign up for the surgery?
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Dear DeeAnna no , we are not divorced . Still married 40 years and counting, but you don’t see the selfishness until something like this happens, a life changing event. Which is what he had. 2 total hip replacements . Yes he is a different person now. He’s an x alcoholic , and it shows. He refuses to acknowledge that he drink his hips away. He had AVN, which was caused by heavy drinking. Now I never though that up into his face, but boy I wanted too! But I know it will solve nothing. But you have to want to get better, and he doesn’t. Just the attitude , I get from him makes my head explode. I try really hard not to let it show, but sometimes I just want to cry. He’s selfish, and needy. When I need something as always I’m on my own. Thanks for letting me vent. I know one day I have to go down this path, but I’m trying to prepare myself, for no help, and no simply from him, thank Goddess I know what to do. And I also realize my strength . Yuki
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Oh, Dear!?! So your husband that you are divorced from needs hip revision surgery because one of his hip surgeries didn't graft properly? You know that it is all his fault since he didn’t go to PT. Maybe you should just let him complain for a while and not respond to any of his complaining since all he does is fight with you. Even though he is miserable, it is HIS PROBLEM, not yours. You can not fix his hip problems if he doesn't participate in the surgery or the physical therapy after surgery.

BUT NOW, YOU are having problems with your hip and may need a hip replacement??? And of course, he is not going to take you to rehab or physical therapy. If you have the hip replacement done, you could spend some time in a sub-acute or rehab section of a nursing home where you could have physical therapy and occupational therapy and then after 30 days or so, you can go home. I have several friends who have done that. They say that the food is "okay", for institutional food, but they enjoyed the friendship of the other people who were doing rehab therapy.
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