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My mother in law has dementia. 3 years ago I told my husband something was wrong. He spoke with his sister (the favorite child) and nothing was done. This happened over and over for about 6 mths. I finally corned my sister in law and told her there was a problem and gave her some advice in what to do. For the 13 yrs I've been with my husband his family has treated me like a cute dumb girl (I'm 10 yrs younger than my husband). My MIL especially would make rude comments about me in front of everyone then say it was a joke. Since she had gotten sick I got in a bad accident (hit by an 18 wheeler). My first day off work I took her an appointment. Ever since I have listened to the family (my hubby, the daughter, who is also married and the husband, moms husband but not dad) fight. They fight over everything. My husband tries to play peacemaker, my brother in law ignores or only supports his wife . My sister in law and father in law explode on each other. I watched this for months and saw my MIL just get worse, so I just started handling it. Now almost 2.5 yrs later I'm the prime caregiver, in pain management and my father in law had a heart attack. The fighting has not stopped, in fact its worse. My sister in law shows up once every 4-6 weeks, ignores anything I've set up (elder care that comes in, food prep, doctor appointments, clothing, hygiene care) and does what ever she wants. For the day or 2 she is present (she lives in area, but still only comes by once a month or so) I've spoken to my husband. Begged him to talk to her, His mother gets worse after this craziness, her husband gets mad and I've got even more on my plate calming everyone down. Instead my husband comes back saying he's stuck in the middle between his wife, his sister and his mom's husband. Since my mother in laws husband had the heart attack this have gotten worse but I've managed both the heart attack situation and her dementia. All doctors have told me to continue on as is, they are doing good. Now I'm hearing constant phone calls from outside friends and family giving my husband "poor babies" and your doing a great job, keep it up. No body in this situation is doing anything but me! When they do try to help they ignore everything set up and I spend more time away from my family and my medical situation having to fix it.
I want to grab my kids and leave. Leave this whole family to deal with it themselves! But I know doing that will hurt the people who need it the most my mom in law and father in law. What do I do!?

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I'm glad you wrote such a thorough description. If you read it back to yourself ojectively, your will see that your have been nothing but a patsy to your husband and his family. Stop feeling sorry for your MIL. If her kids can not only take all the credit for all the work YOU do, as well as having the nerve to come in and change your routines when they visit, then walk away and leave it to them. Another poster on this site actually ran away from her husband and MIL for very similar reasons. Now she is getting some respect and everything on her terms. BTW, open your eyes to your husband's tactics. You are his wife - his loyalties shoud be only to you,and he should defend and stand up for you. He is not "in the middle" of anything - he is behaving like a wimp. If he can't "man-up" to this situation, I would be walking away might fast. You were never under any obligation to take care of your MIL and you still aren't. They are all using you, and you are actually giving them reason to call you the cute dumb girl. You need to change into the smart tough lady! Sorry to be so forthright, but it really makes me angry when family members walk all over the one who is doing all the caregiving and get no respect. You can change it if you toughen up.
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This week I'm having him stay with her at the AL facility to help her adjust before he goes in for surgery. I'm thinking about having him do this when he "recovers" and see if we can get him in there. The biggest factor is money as always. As for the SIL- she hasn't "discovered" all the things I've put in place. As always she's been busy and is planning to come "see mom early this week".
I've got more questions about POA's and Medications that I'm going to be posting on those "boards" but.....
I want to add... before I joined this site I really wanted to run both from this situation and the area (my family and support group is an 8hr drive away). I'm still annoyed at the lack of appreciation and care from members of the family but I do feel more in control and confident of the situation. This has let me put that annoyance in the background instead of front and center where it was stopping (or slowing me. Thank you for all your support and good advice. I wish I had the talent to put into words what everyone on this board has done to help me. Thank you again.
Just warning after the SIL shows I might be back begging for support and backup.
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You dump this load right where it belongs, on your husband. Tell him you're done, and that's that, and from now on he and family can do all the dealing, all by themselves. Then give them the info for their parents, the paperwork, doctor's, meds, etc, and walk away. What are they going to do? Ignore the parents? No, they'll have to get off their butts and do something...you know, what YOU'RE doing all the time, to your own detriment, while getting taken advantage of and taken for granted from what it sounds like... Yay.

No man that ever comes into my life one day will ever dump his mother or father on me. Never in a million years. If they have parents with Alz and dementia, I hope they have a plan, because it won't ever be me handling it. Oh no, no, no.... If I was married to one that tried it, we'd end in divorce before I'd ever agree to take his parents on... Just...no. If you want your life back, you're going to have to play hard ball, because nobody is listening to you yet, are they?
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Standing Alone is right. Dump the lot back on their plates. They think they know best so let them have it their way. they will soon come crawling to you so when that happens set some ground rules and stand your ground
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Vstefans, the voice of reason.

Julidu, have you thought about how you want things to change? Can you talk to someone about this? Maybe the manager of the elder care, or the senior center or the visiting nurse or someone the doctor's office can refer you to? You could probably use a therapist from the stress and the mistreatment you get. If you have a plan, and present it to your husband, someone might listen. Your plan should probably include a week's vacation, or at least a long weekend away for you and the kids!

If you decide to leave, you have my blessing, but I sense that's not what you really want to do. You want some respect, and you sure deserve it.

Best wishes.
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Honey, you must draw (learn) about boundaries and stick to them! They are fully taking advantage of you because you've allowed it. Now, with that said, I am empathetic because it happened with the care of my dear Mom. I finally drew boundaries and it was hideous and ugly and painful - but it brought me a bit of freedom and dignity I needed.

Tell your hubby that you will no longer be his parent's caregivers. Identify what you WILL do and stick to it. Clearly, you love your in-laws (they are blessed to have you in their lives). You don't need all the other in-laws to endorse, approve and support your decision. These are THEIR parents an THEY are responsible for caring for them or not.

I'd recommend drawing boundaries around YOUR caregiving and then supply them with options (via EMAIL to everyone involved - great for tracking and revisiting). For example:

Let them know EXACTLY what you do for their parents and the time devoted to do so.

Look up the hourly rate for caregivers. I betcha they don't pay you diddly to care for mom and dad. Work out the numbers and tell them what they can expect to pay. BTW, you should be receiving compensation!

Give them a deadline. For example, as of THIS Friday, Sept XX, your parents will need....

And then.... RECLAIM your beautiful life! Go on a holiday! Spend time with dear friends...

Bring in 24/7 caregivers through Home Instead, family members, etc
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Dear Julidu: You have such a soft heart and seem to be the only sane & reasonable person in your husband's family. If you feel you need to wait until after your FIL's surgery, you don't need permission from anyone here and no one will be calling you stupid. We may view things other people do as foolish or unwise, but we are not in your shoes. We basically tell it the way we see it based on your input, and advise what we would do if we were in your shoes. From everything you have told us, your family has been taking full advantage of you and you keep enabling them to do so (as Perseverance mentioned). They obviously will never change their treatment of you unless/until, and then only maybe - IF you change your attitude and posture toward them. It stinks, but sometimes you have to stand up and demand the respect you seek. I am glad you have started therapy, and I think you have the strength and are smart enough to figure out the answers within yourself and follow through on them. Also, please consider if your FIL will be really cognizant enough to feel hurt if you are not around. Either way, I get the impression it will make you feel better to stick around until after the surgery. As you said, afterwards, when he goes into cardio-rehab, sounds like a logical time to make the break. I would tell him I need to get a little R&R to recharge my batteries, otherwise I might be sitting in the same cardiac unit (LOL). If you and he are 'simpatico', I imagine he would wish you well and tell you to have a good time and not worry about him. I fully agree with everything Perseverance said, and I second the motion. BTW, if my SIL came into MY home for even ONE day and started changing MY routines and care plan (even if it is her Mom), I would kick her ass to the curb in far less than a minute!! I think you need to inform her that if she wants to do things her way, she can do them in HER home, not yours - case closed!! That's a good example of a boundary that demands respect for you and your home. So good luck with everything, hope FIL's surgery goes well, and MIL adjusts to AL quickly, and you have time to breatha little and maybe set some things straight with hubby as well. Please keep us posted - we are all rooting for you.
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@orangeblossom
I also had the husband look up "narcissistic" in relation to his sister - that was an eye opener for him! 2 days ago I started the transition for MIL to the facility and told the husband she can visit Mom there, not here anymore. I also had FIL (who had MIL's POA) to sign a document she is allowed to visit, take mom on day trups but no changes to the Plan Of Care! Husband has been informed. I will not accept any calls from her she's too toxic for me. I refuse to come out of this bitter like her! I know my heart is too big and soft, it's the boundaries I don't set where I deal with the big problems.
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I have started seeing a therapist. I wrote that last post before I read the last 3 replies. My concern is hurting the people who need the help - MIL and FIL. I can see walking away from her. But I fear walking from FIL will hurt him. My SIL already blames him for everything. My husband gets frustrated when the FIL doesn't just do what he says and they end up fighting. (Literally in front of the furniture store). I tried explaining to my husband give him a break his wife, your mom just moved into assisted living; he had a heart attack and now is having open heart surgery. Everyone is stressed, but no. Now they are not talking. Husband told me to give it a few days and maybe. A few days is the surgery date!

I'm thinking I get him into Cardio rehab after surgery and walk then, before that seems wrong. Am I being stupid?
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I agree with all the advice, I agree! I'm just scared to do it before the open heart surgery.

(My therapist would high five you - Perseverance for the boundaries statement)
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