Taking care of a loved one after 2 total hip replacements. Any words of wisdom?

Bring in someone to cut the grass and clean your house and some of these chores. He doesn't get to say "no". My dad was like your DH and after five years my step mom was hospitalized - stress related illnesses because she was doing it all. Also check with local area agency on aging to find out if you can have some respite - my stepmom was able to get four hours a week - she used this time for herself. Also look into having groceries and medicines delivered.

Tell him you are helping someone out. And in return it helps you. Get a youngster to cut the grass FOR YOU ! Getting you groceries delivered is a great idea. UNLESS you do it on your own? If so then go for a coffee and a cake, meet a friend. :) Big hugs and good luck to you. :)

Has he not recovered well post hip replacement? A person does heal from this and is able to walk and do things, maybe not mow the lawn (hire that out to a service) but the entire point of hip replacement is giving someone a whole new hip. 
Hip replacement surgery has made great strides and most patients recover pretty well. He needs to start getting up and walking and moving around for his own recovery. I don’t know how old he his but whatever age, get him up and doing stuff for himself.
As for grocery shopping, do it on the Internet from a store near you that has internet shopping and delivery.
Being a caregiver to a new post op hip is exhausting. If I were you I would hire out as much as possible. 
He does not get much of choice. You work FT and deal with this? I would tell my husband to choose one or the other - either you quit your job and he supports you and the home, or he hires people to keep the rest of the house running as you cannot do both. Simple choice for him. 
You do the powerwashing? God bless you!  
I don’t need to be superwoman anymore - as you get older you have to pace yourself. 

Thanks for all the wonderful ideas. But sometimes I like doing everything then  I know it’s done right, and like cutting the grass is therapeutic, I’m just there, not worried about him. And pressure cleaning is just fun, it’s the laundry or mopping the floors so boring, and I love  my job, it’s time away. Call me crazy,, but I never thought I could do it all, but I do love challenge, it a bit too much. Yuki

What about waxing the driveway? I hope you aren’t letting that slide.
I know about liking the outdoor things. But you aren’t doing him a favor by enabling him to not use the new hips. Can you tell if he is getting up whiie you are at work? Does he appreciate your efforts or is he complaining?
Did he do his post surgery therapy? Does he need more?
Give yourself a promotion and become the household manager and not the jack of all trades. Pace yourself. Take care.

Hi guys had a talked  with him last night, I told him there are things I need him to do, like the laundry, and maybe vacuuming, he said no problem, he’s still having problems with first hip, it’s not right. And I can say he’s not an oh thanks for all you do kind of guy, I’ve excepted that , but he was an alcoholic for 40 years, and he hasn’t had a drink for almost 2 years, so I’m thinking recovery takes a little longer. When I pulled his surgeon aside and told him, he was a  alcoholic , his surgeon said didn’t he tell me he’s a heavy drinker, I would never have let him come home! He didn’t go the physical therapy and I think that’s part of the problem that now stems with trouble with first hip. He still see’s me having a few beers at night, it calms to me down at night . I think he even counts my beers, but I only have 3 a night, where as he used to have 18. Do you think part of it ,   It’s jealously? He can’t work anymore and says he wants me to retire but, why should I stay home to watch him do nothing? He the one that needs a revision surgery on the first hip and won’t do it. I’m I being selfish? We can’t go anywhere, or do anything with him not feeling well. Answers please??? yuki

97yroldmom, thanks for your advice, and yes he gets around ok but he needs revision surgery on his first hip , he went to no physical therapy for both hips , and he’s paying a price for that now. And He drank his hips away drinking so heavy for 40 yrs. now I’ve had 4 surgery’s and a baby, he was always too drunk to help me, he even forgot to pick me up from hospital one time, so he’s paying the price now. But I never expected to have to do everything. I just sometimes feel like I’m the one being punished, not him. I’m trying to look on bright side, I realize that I can do things I never thought I’d be able to do, like clean out the gutters, or trimming the bushes, and like I’ve side pressure cleaning the house, I was laughing my butt off , when I came inside the house I looked like a drowned rat. I trying to find humor in all this, even though I know it’s a serious event. Thanks your all your advice. Yuki

I would try to get his surgeon to write a prescription for out patient physical therapy. The person is probably unsure of what he can do because no one post op ever taught him. This will get him out of the house a few times a week and he can perform exercises at home on non PT days.
Why do you have 3 beers at his home every night? I would personally defer alcohol intake in front of a recovering alcoholic. You say he counts them; I sort of feel bad about that.
Do you think he is secretly drinking on the side?
Vacuuming may be too much activity for him. It’s best a professional physical therapist assess his abilities and work with him to improve.
Hope these “ideas” will give you food for thought.

Shane thanks for your words of wisdom. I’ve taken him several times to PT and had them come to house once. He threw them out. He does get out of house, and does a 45 min walk & goes to gym 3 times a week. So he’s doing something, I just think he’s bored. I’m not there to caterer to his every wim. As far as beer goes , when I’d had surgery  4 times and couldn’t drink, he showed me no favors, he wouldn’t even cook , or help with house hold jobs, And bathing me oh forget that. I was in my own. I guess I’m mad because the doctors said once I told him he was an alcoholic, that he drink his hips away. It’s one thing when you don’t ask for illnesses, but another when you do it to yourself. I’m trying to get over the bitterness, you see there is no retirement for me, he will complain about everything, I see the good, he only sees the bad. And when you don’t go to PTor even try well, you can’t have much sympathy . He wants to travel, he can’t even drive for long periods, and he has to naps 4 to 5 hrs a day. You should see if he doesn’t nap. OMG. I guess I’m just venting. I know in time he will get better, but he’s in almost a year  1/12 . So I guess it would be nice to get a thank you every once in a while. I use to baby him, but I’m finding out that does no good. Tough love is hard. He’s a work in progress,as me too. The one good thing that came out of this , is it made me stronger, and I proved to myself I can do it all. It’s not easy, but I get it done! Thanks for all the helpful advice. Yuki

You sound angry and bitter. Find a good therapist and work through your issues. You lived with an alcoholic for forty years and you need help as much as he does/did. Alanon is a good place to start.

Susanesmith, thank you for your honesty , I guess I’m pass bitterness, and just trying to let it go. I’ve had great talks hear & with my closest girlfriends. It helps. Just venting can do so much. My coworkers understand too. I have no al-Anon meeting places by me , but I’ve read the books. This site is a GOD send. It really helps. I’m I finding out everyday let it go, the past is the past. We did many years ago , go to a marriage counseling for 2 years, and it helped. So I’m reading a lot of books on bitterness and forgiveness. I’m a work in progress. Still trying. Yuki

What a selfish idiot he is.

Do not allow him home until he goes to rehab after revision surgery.

Evaluate why you let him dictate what you can and can’t do....set boundaries or you will end up sick. The stress is not good on your brain either. Unless you are a control freak and can’t accept that others can do things beside you...then you also have a problem. Let it go...and do it for your own peace of mind. I agree with another poster here...once he is released from PT he should be in better shape.

You only have three beers at night... am I the only one who sees that as a problem? Given your family history I think that turning to alcohol to "relax" is something you need to take a serious look at.

Yuki500 yes I know how hard it is my wife has severe dementia and clinically blind I have had five total hip replacement two of which were tendon releases that was from 2011-2017 I too do everything. I got a neighbor kid to do the yard, going shopping, I put my wife in a wheel chair and I pull a cart behind me. I too am 60 don't know what a vacation is or time off is. That's why you need to set a schedule You'll do certain things each day and you will notice you will have a little time for yourself, have a friend come set for two hours while you go get lunch

Interesting, when I read your story I thought of how that was where I was headed a while back. Not to that extreme, but to the being with someone so needy, expectant, and entitled. You probably won't be much good to anyone, yourself included, when you are hospitalized or dead. Like someone told me - the next woman will get your money once you're dead. To put it bluntly. You owe it to yourself to take care of yourself, whatever that is.

Yuki, if you look up what makes an alcoholic, you will unfortunately see yourself. Drinking everyday is alcoholism, I am not trying to be hurtful but, you need to face reality with the booze. He may be feeling bitter and angry as well and not helping around the house is his way of expressing it. If he walks 45 minutes and goes to the gym 3x weekly he could surely get off his fixed hips and be productive.

I hope you find the help you both need, you are still young and have a long life ahead, I pray you find happiness in it.

Shane is right. I had hip replacement 4 or 5 years ago and bounced back very quickly. I was in such pain before that the lack of pain after the surgery was a gift from God. I knew when I came home Hubby would not lift a finger to help. He did not disappoint. I now am you. Hubby is bedridden and I do it ALL despite Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. He never dedicated himself to any rehab he’s ever had. At least your hubby goes to the gym. I had a four month reprieve last year when he was hospitalized and God forgive me, I was happy and content for the first time in 4 years.

I’m glad you enjoy running your household from A-Z. If Hubby can be on his own, get out and do things outside your home that YOU enjoy. Be good to yourself. Live for the now.

I am in my 60’s and have had a hip replacement and a revision. After a few months I was able to golf, kayak, shovel the driveway. I never had PT afterwards.
I was also married to an alcoholic-now recovered for more than 30 years. I recognize a lot of your feelings and anger. You are both in early stages of his not drinking. I decided I would get counseling, go to Al-Anon, begin to live my life by doing things that I enjoyed.
I also went to counseling many times over the years, each time I was ready to take a step forward in my own mental health.
Sounds like you are both dealing with depression, or anxiety. Also sounds like you are in a war with each other-I know about that too😍 Nothing will change for you unless you take steps to change yourself. You can work all you want, stay outside doing chores all you want, drink 3 beers every night. None of that will change the atmosphere of depression, anxiety, anger, resentment in your home. If you don’t gethelp now for your own mental health, when ?
I wish for you both peace, warmth, joy in living each day.

I learned to just deal with necessary things - things I can find the time for. Like the lawn.

I have had several offer to mow for me - some would even do it for nothing - but I thank them and tell them that it is 30 minutes of "me" time and exercise. I can't be away from DH more than 30 minutes and we have quite a bit of yard, so it takes me a week. Then I start again.

My housecleaning is minimized unless I have extra time and energy after doing all the mandatory things like laundry. And picking up after DH.

I did learn that if I stretch myself too thin, I will be terribly unhappy. So I learned to just ignore things I have no time for.

No matter what you've heard, "Dust Bunnies" will not kill you. But the little buggers might laugh at you :(

My suggestion is to sell your house and get a nice apartment. That will cut out the upkeep. Some of those 55 and up have gyms and activities. Keeping it clean will be easier too. That will give you time to do what you want. Sounds like his is capable to get a bowl of cereal and a sandwich. Dinner he can have delivered. Do you have some friends that would be willing to do long weekend or week trips with you? Or go by yourself. He is a big boy. I have a friend who told her husband of 40+ years she couldn't sit around the house with him anymore. He never wanted to do anything. She now goes out with the girls and travels to visit friends and relatives.

Yuki500: You're still relatively young, but please help yourself out by hiring lawn mowing, get grocery delivery, hire a house cleaner and anything else to take the load off YOU! He does not get to make the decisions.
For his addiction issue, there IS help, but he has to want it. Go to ReformU.com. There you will learn all about Reformers Unanimous, a faith-based "stubborn habit" program with chapters all over the world that meet weekly at host churches.

Alanon I am agree

Forget about not bring in help - just ask him where he'd be if you got sick - up the old creek - even if you only get help for outside that would give you relief - shut the curtains/blinds & tell him he isn't the centre of the universe & he must accommodate your needs too

You need to stand up before you crack under the pressure - if you can't do this then now is the time to start making back-up plans for when you go down because it can be swift & hard - time to tell hubby he has to let you get some relief - he may end up in less than great circumstances if you get sick so that will be when he has little to no choice so now is when he needs to see what the future can be

I see your posting as a cry for help in that you are close to meeting the 'wall' - this is a wall we all reach when we can't cope any longer - you've done your time in the trenches & maybe more than you should have - now you have to stand up for both your sakes - good luck

"If" the OP gets sick? More like when if she doesn’t get help. If he wants to remain in his addiction, that's on him.
Please, I implore you to hire as much help as is financially possible. 

Know what you mean saying that the best time you had was when your husband had 2nd hip replacement. Think you meant your husband. The best time I had was when both my parents were in re-hab at the same time. That was July 3rd 2013. Sad I know.

Yuki I hope you take some of the suggestions offered here and apply them to taking care of you. You sound like a loving, caring spouse that feels, & rightfully so, that the entire burden of life is on you as your “partner” has checked out & isn’t smart enough to appreciate the good woman he has.
While you say you like to do “everything” as you feel no one can do the job as well as you, please consider stepping back. If hubby goes to the gym 3x/week he is no invalid but due to his chronic alcoholism has developed the “poor me” syndrome. Now he is dragging you down due the bad decisions he made his entire life.
Stop enabling him or he will never even think of changing his routine which consists of you single handedly running the household. Why should he change?
I too see your post as a cry for help. It’s ok to feel that way,Yuki. You have needs too that unfortunately aren’t being met because your husband is too selfish and wrapped in the “martyr syndrome” to recognize your needs.
I think you don’t get any positive feedback from your partner and thus try to compensate by doing more in the hope that he will appreciate you more.
Don’t do all this physical work- you will eventually suffer by wearing your body and mind out. You think you can do it all now but eventually you will crash and burn. Don’t let him win again. Again you sound like a good person with a big heart. Your husband may be taking advantage of you.
I wish you the best. Find your inner strength and fight the dragon - you can do it.

Wow Yuki...as I read through some of your subsequent posts, your relationship does show a lot of dysfunction. But that’s not uncommon when there is alcoholism involved. I have to ask why you stay in this marriage. It sounds as though there really isn’t a relationship as you describe it and a lot of buried resentments on both sides. Is this really the life you look forward to as you age? It is not going to get better. Al anon and therapy would be helpful fo insight. Good luck.

Get outside help immediately!!! You do need to get away from this from time to time. Once the chores outside are done....get something done for yourself outside the home. Please stop trying to do everything even if you like it. What's the point?
To hell with his whining and refusing this as he isn't assisting in anyway.
I'm so sick of people dictating who comes in to assist when they are doing absolutely nothing!
Be strong. Hire someone now!!

Thank you All for your great words if wisdom. It’s hard to change when you’ve been doing everything. Why did I stay is what everyone is asking? Well I signed a contract 40 yrs ago for better or worse. Yea I’d say I got the worse. But sometimes you find inner peace when you all of a sudden get thrown into them. Like his mother, she’s 88 yrs old, I go over her house and help out with her needs to, and she knows what her son is, and constantly reminds me , And Encourages me of what a great job I’m doing. My late father in law pretty much did the same thing to her. She understands, she gets in. She told me many times she looked at that door all the time. But you don’t leave when it gets bad, you stay and become stronger. It’s what I’ve chosen to do. As far as help, we’ll I’m going to take it one step at a time. We have been talking a lot, and I did tell him my feelings, I told him I’m in this bitterness stage, and I don’t want to end up with the 10 to 20 yrs we have left in this world angery and bitter the rest of my life. We can both work on changes or one of us is going to be sick and die old and bitter. And I suggested we go to seek counseling. He agreed. That way we don’t rip each other apart. So I’ve accomplish something. Small steps guys. I will check in with all of you’s, and thanks for showing me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Yuki