Do I take my mother with dementia to her brother's funeral?

A doctor responded to me when I asked whether to tell mom that her niece had breast cancer - he said does she talk regularly & would she notice that absence quite soon - I have used this to balance what to tell mom

Was your mom only an Xmas card & birthday card exchange with her brother or did they talk on phone every Sunday at 10:00 - if former don't take her if latter then check with dr, social worker etc - this will be stressful to all & possibly give her a set back that coul take a long time if ever to get over

If she hasn't been there then everyone will remember her as a more vigorous person - hard choices - I don't think I'd even take mom to dad's funeral as she would be too much of a handful & wouldn't know why she was there

So much wonderful advice here.
You can't predict how she would react if you were to attend the funeral, especially after such a long drive. I think it is useful to remember that persons with memory loss may not remember the actual event, i.e. her brother's funeral, but the feeling of seeing him in a casket would likely upset her for a considerable amount of time.
Also, it would be stressful for her to encounter people that she no longer remembered, as people at the funeral will remember her, but it will be difficult for her to be reminded of her memory loss when people attempt to talk with her.
Please don't feel guilty if you choose to stay home. It would be a wise decision for both of you.

Absolutely not.They get terribly confused when taken out of their element. Why even tell her it will only cause distress. They are in their Alzeheimers world now and not in ours so things are very different for them . She will be happier where she is.
We need to let them have as much peace as possible with this horrible disease.
And above all do not feel guilty whatever your decision.

Maybe instead of the funeral, you can take her to view her brother in the funeral home or at the viewing, IF they were close. If not, just try to avoid talking about him and if she asks, tell her he's real sick the first time she asks, and then break it to her slowly.

If you do decide to take her, follow Edna317's excellent suggestions for how to do it. Make it a trip to see her hometown and friends, and do as much as you can while you are there so that visiting her brother in his casket won't be her only memory of the trip. If, of course, she remembers it at all.

No, she won't be able ti endure that.

Absolutely not. (Just getting them back and forth to the toilet and changing their diapers is stressful enough. For her AND you.) It would be a sea of confusion for her, and frankly I wouldn't say anything about the death at all. No, all that work and stress and confusion, and for what? She won't remember. Or she will remember and be grieving. She isn't the woman you remember, her brain is deteriorating, and it will be just AWFUL for all concerned.

I don't like going to funerals, and I will be 64 years old in September. Sure, it may bring closure to the family and a chance to say good bye, but I don't agree with funerals. I have bad dreams if I attend them. My plan when the time comes is to be cremated with no funeral or service.

You mention it's her favorite place on earth, and where she grew up. That suggests you're seeing some upside that it may be worth the trip, aside from seeing family (not always upsetting, depends on family's view of funerals life/death) and support....if not now then maybe at a different time. Such long-term memories are often retained and can be joyous. The drive is long, but perhaps she sleeps quite a bit or it's a pleasant drive? Perhaps show her some photos (which is not the same as being there, and don't be dismayed if she doesnt recognize it - a picture is flat and small). But may be a start for a pleasant memory or conversation. Ultimately, you know your mother and her condition. How does she do on short, day outings? There are many types of dementia, and they affect each person differently in different situations (or times of day). When we moved my Dad to live with us, we had to take a plane from OHare to LAX...with two toddlers in tow...just two days after my mom's funeral (she was the beloved love of his life). Oh boy, right? He was incredibly noise and light sensitive which triggered headaches and bad moods. Prone to say anything, and decades since he's traveled. I was nervous just getting him to let alone through the airports. But, quite the opposite, he was refreshed and part of the team. He marveled at our chatty toddlers playing during the even extra two-hour delay and closed his eyes on the flight. He was incontinent, but couldn't stand once the pull-ups got the least bit wet. Door to door, +12 hours of highly hectic, noisy travel. Apparently, everone was nervous he couldn't possibly do it...except for him. I think he just knew it had to get done, and made the most of it. He did not like winter (was December...in Chicago), so getting to CA may have had an appeal. That said, his was mostly vascular dementia. My grandparents had similar rally's during travel with Alzheimer's early and medium onset. That said, we would have not have attempted such a trip when it was late onset and they were dillusional, paranoid, and almost always ill-tempered.

I agree with the "not a good ideas" above. When my mom was in one of the last stages of dementia, I either got a letter or a phone call that her sister had passed away from the same sickness my mom had. My mom knew of her sister's declining condition before my mom became too sick to understand. But my dad and I both felt it would only bring her sadness over something my mom may no longer be able to comprehend. They'll meet again in heaven was our decision. No time for sadness nor confirming to mom where this disease would lead her to as well. It was time to enjoy whatever moments could be enjoyed.

Most elders do not do well out of their comfort zone. That's why I said she wouldn't be able to endure it.