Do I take my mother with dementia to her brother's funeral?

Being out in a crowd is stressful for many elders, even those without dementia, and driving 8 hours to get there even more so. Given that she isn't likely to remember and her anxiety I side with your brother.

Mjlarkan, this is a tough call. The drive itself is long. And there would be a break in routine that might make Mom feel more confused.

When my Mom had passed, my Dad was there for the viewing and for the Mass which was in town. But Dad wasn't able to go to the cemetery as it was many States away [family plot]. If we flew it would have been difficult as the last time Dad flew was decades ago when flying was so much easier. If we drove, it would take 2 days. Dad's dementia was just starting, but the trip would have been too much. And too much for me, too, being a senior.

My mom's brother died while she was in AL. I asked if she wanted to go, and she said no.

I suggest out of respect for funeral attendees and in the best interest of your mother's emotional state, you do not take her to the funeral. If she understands that the person in the casket is her dead brother, she may become distraught. If she doesn't understand, she may think the gathering is a party and act appropriately for a festive occasion. In the next few weeks you can look with her at photos of her and her brother together and let her enjoy the memories. If she asks about seeing him, you will find a gentle answer, like "That's a nice idea."

it would be hard to take her i think ..the way to make it easier to take her would be more than 1 person to take her ..but i would not worry about it she wont remember the next day what she did the day before .i have my mom in the hospital for other reasons ..i went there yesterday 5-31-17 so i got there round 1 pm i left at 2 pm around 7 pm she did not remember i was there so .i think telling her would be better .if she remembers the next day what you told her then maybe take her .but i think it would be harder & she will talk a lot & drive you crazy mine would ..& also explain to other family members & see what they think .but it might be over now ..

Mjlarkan I went through a similar situation with my Mom. I did not tell her. She was already struggling with anxiety and aggression and I knew it would exacerbate those feelings. I did tell her about the death a few weeks later but made it sound like that was knowledge she already knew.She did fine. On the other hand I told her that a neighbor passed right when it happened.She got depressed and stayed in her room for 2 days except for eating and bathroom. She couldn't remember why she was acting like that and thought we did something to make her angry . We then had to deal with her anger. Sorry for your loss.

I have to agree with everybody else that's posted of what I've seen of dementia so far I'm making sure I read all about what you guys are all writing because I'll be the caretaker in our family appointed because I'm the girl in the family and everybody knows I'm the closest to my parents anyway I'm there POA in the family business and the manager of our family business I'll be the one taking care of them until I am forced to put them in a home if I ever have to which I'm hoping I never will. In our family there's no history of Dementia or Alzheimer's but I want to be aware and alert if there ever is any signs of either of them. Reading all your stories is very helpful. We do have a family friend however who was amazing in life a VP of a huge Bank who has dementia and I can't even imagine what you're all going through knowing what I know of his story I would definitely keep your mom home and do what one writer wrote go through memories and pictures and make her as comfortable and happy as possible but driving and the stress would be probably a really bad idea thanks for sharing all your stories it's very helpful for someone who's younger looking out towards the future 0f our elders. I am a huge advocate against elder abuse so it's important for me to learn as much as I can going forward.

My husband is an 85 year old gentleman who is in a Memory Care Facility. We have been married 61 years. I visit almost every day. When our friends pass, I do tell him but I also bring along some favorite pictures of us with them in the good old days as that is how I want him to remember them. Knowing just what I do about dementia patients, I would say it is not a good idea to take the person out of a facility especially for that long of a drive.

I agree with your brother; any change in scenery is more likely to create undue stress; additionally, 8 hours on the road is a bit much, even for those much younger. Don't even mention anything about her brother dying.

I wouldn't . Funerals are difficult for those that are healthy both physically and emotionally. The ride alone could prove to be traumatic. I would take into consideration that the last thing mom needs is an event that would trigger anxiety and depression. You could speak to her doctor for another opinion but I think he/she would agree it would not serve a positive outcome for her to take this trip. You might also present in a positive light your experience of attending the funeral in the future when you tell her of her brother's passing. Just to reiterate, I would always check with the individual overseeing your mother's treatment before I made any final decisions.

Travel and possibly an overnight stay is stressful and confusing for someone with Dementia.
She would probably not like the crowd of people either. With Dementia, possibly poor hearing and vision it would be that much more confusing.
The fact that she is medicated for high anxiety and depression is more of a reason not to take her.

I would also NOT tell her of her brothers death. Or if you do tell her once do not tell her again if she asks about him. Going through being told of a death once is sad and difficult but to relive it over and over is heartbreaking.

My mom's brother in law passed away last year and she told me she didn't want to go to the funeral. Our beloved minister also died and she didn't want to attend his funeral either. On the other hand, my brother in law had a sister that died and they took their mother to the funeral and she was in a stage of alzheimers much further than my mother has gone. I was a bit disturbed by that because the poor lady sat right in front of the open casket displaying her youngest daughter and I felt it had to be so hard on her. But she never showed any emotion which made me think the Alzheimer's "protected" her from the grief, if that's possible. It's a hard decision for sure.

I think you probably have to rely on your own judgement and your knowledge of your own mother - other people's experience is of limited value in such a personal, complex situation. That is a long journey, would be my main reservation. But you know your mother best.

My mother attended her sister's funeral; later on she sometimes checked with me that that sister was dead, not being sure about it; but she wasn't distressed by the funeral itself.

My friend's mother had galloping Alzheimers and attended her husband's funeral flanked either side by a daughter: it wasn't a disaster, nothing terrible happened, but at the same time I'm not sure who benefited from the exercise. I suppose they got her there because it was the "proper" thing to do; so perhaps that was some comfort to them, knowing they'd observed the decencies.

As you say you're definitely going to tell your mother about her brother's passing away, I assume you're confident she will be able to take in the information. So that being so, perhaps the best thing would be to tell her what's happened, say when the funeral is, and then leave it to her to say if she wants to attend but don't prompt her. If she doesn't say anything, don't take her but keep back a memento of the ceremony - such as an order of service, if there is one - to give her in case she asks.

Do not take her to the funeral, the negatives exceed the positives. The trip is arduously long, messes up her schedule, attending a funeral and dealing with strangers would heighten her anxiety and depression. Given that she has short term memory loss and will likely forget having attended...what is the upside to going?

My Aunt had dementia and we did not tell her when my father died. She was nine and he was three when she took responsibility for raising him and his seven year old brother. These three were the closest siblings I have ever seen, but the kindest thing for her was not to tell her. We figure she got a wonderful surprise when she got to heaven and he was waiting for her.

You say she has short term memory loss. If you feel she must be told, tell her once and not again. It is cruel to make someone re-discover the death of a loved one over, and over again.

I won't take my DH on a 2 hour drive - so I wouldn't even consider an 8 hour drive, and Ray doesn't even have dementia yet - at least he hasn't been diagnosed with it. Just normal aging is what I've been told.
Telling her is one thing, dragging her on an 8 hour trip could be torturous for all involved. Bathroom breaks and food breaks could be a nightmare.

My mom's mom (my grandmother) passed away late last year. She was almost 101! Anyway, we decided to go even though my mom might not realize what was happening. She has Parkinson's Disease and the dementia that goes with it. Granted she didn't know why we were going. But, we went to support her sisters and brother. (By the way...we flew!)
If my sister and most of her kids hadn't gone with us, I wouldn't have taken her by myself. She did fairly well. However, at one point during the funeral, she suddenly started crying. We're still not certain why but think she may have recognized her mother laying there.
All this to say that the decision is individual, and shouldn't be taken lightly due to dementia and what the change in routine may or may not cause. Good luck with whatever you decide.

I think in situations like this, we try to deal with the situation the right way and how we would react if are parents were normal. Nothing is easy with dementia, I would not take her. You have to ask yourself would taking her benefit anyone? I would think the 8 hour drive would be challenging enough.

My mom lives in a memory care facility. About 4 years ago, when she still lived at home, my cousin took her to an aunt's funeral. On the way there, she kept asking "whose funeral are we going to?" About 6 months ago, she starting asking about relatives who died 50 years ago - thinking that they were still alive. You said her short term memory is shot - that says it all. The experience may cause a lot of confusion for her and since she already suffers from anxiety, why upset her further.

You mom isn't that same person anymore, just go on her behalf; people will understand.

This is easy.

No.

You don't even have to tell her that he died.

Keep it simple.

Dear Mjlarkan:

My mom had Dementia, and for a year or two before she passed away at 92, I sheltered her from depressing news. It had nothing to do with her age. I told her sister, my aunt, all the news of the family, good and bad, until she passed away at nearly 102. She had a clear mind, and handled sadness and grief like someone many decades younger than her.
I didn't want to put my mother through pain, when I didn't see what purpose it would serve. Her memory was like a sieve - some days she would remember some things, other days her memory was quite foggy. If I had told about family deaths, it would sadden her tremendously when she remembered what I told her; most of the time, however, she would not remember that I even told her.

Sorry for your loss.

I would say no, based on past experience with relatives who had advanced dementia and memory loss.

My dad passed away before his only brother, and thinking we were doing the right thing, we insisted his brother be informed. We had to rely on relatives to do it, because we didn't live nearby. The relatives were reluctant to do it, knowing how bad his memory was, but we insisted. Big mistake, and boy did we regret it later. He was informed, was very sad and depressed, and then 30 minutes later, forgot all about it. At least 2-3 times per week, for the rest of his life, he asked about his brother and why he didn't hear from him anymore (they used to write each other every week) - so the relative caring for him would have to explain all over again that he had died (and was probably cursing us under their breath the whole time - rightfully so) - and it was like the loss was new all over again. He would be sad and depressed until he forgot it again, only to have the loss and pain renewed every time he was told.

Don't do it. Not only is the trip too hard for her, the funeral will be distressing and confusing for her. If she doesn't ask about her brother, don't tell her. If she asks, you're going to have to do a little fancy verbal footwork and redirect her to something else to avoid telling her. Trust me, in the long run, it's better not to expose her to this long trip and emotional turmoil.

My father died while my Mother was in the dementia home. My brother wanted to take her to the funeral, I didn't. He was POA and got his way on pretty much everything. I hated to see her like that. She was confused and crying. She should have never gone. She forgot about it soon enough though.

Here is another side to consider. If you do decide to take her to the funeral, my suggestions are:
Make it a two day trip. Four hours on the road per day is ENOUGH.
Make sure you have at least one other familiar person with you in the car.
Make sure you spend the hotel nights in the same room as your Mother.
Make sure you take along night lights to guide the way to the bathroom.
Make sure while you are in your Mother's hometown that you do a sightseeing tour of her choice and do not hurry her . She will have a lot of pleasure remembering and seeing her old stomping grounds. Also make sure she is able to connect with old friends and family while she is there.
This will be an exhausting and rewarding trip for both of you. One that you will never forget. I am sure, though that she will forget.

My mother's brother will pass sooner, rather than later. We could get her to the funeral, a 2 hours flight and wheelchair usage--but we've already discussed it with her and she is already opting not to go.
If she had worse dementia, and she will, I don't think her answer would change. But, do give her the option--bearing in mind that this sounds like quite a trip with a lot of "what ifs" involved.

Since your mom is in AL, I would call the social worker there. Tell the social worker about the death and the funeral arrangements. It's a good idea to alert the social worker about the death. The social worker can give you an update on your mom's status and help you decide if taking her to the funeral is appropriate, as well as when and how to tell her. After all, you are paying for social work services as part of the AL.

I think that if she is in Assisted Living then she will require more care. I agree with the responses that it will be better for her and the guests that she remains at home. However, speak with the Wellness Director at her home and get their thoughts.

Driving for 8 hours is a lot for someone with anxiety. They may act up in the car while you are driving or try to get out. If you decide to bring her along, make sure you have another person in the car with you in addition to the driver.

I agree with everyone. Do not take her. I took my mother to her sisters funeral. She wanted to rewrite the obituary and wanted to go touch her sister. Six hour ride with are we there yet. Where are we going?

Mjlarkan, when was the last time your Mom visited her old stomping grounds?

I remember going back to where I had grew up to visit 30 years later. It didn't feel like home. Boarded up houses and store fronts. Landmarks that use to guide me were gone, and newer buildings in place of old fashioned store fronts. The beautiful tree lines streets barely had a tree left. Made me wish I never went back :(

Yikes, my old high school was converted into an Assisted Living building. Wish I could have gone in there to see how they had redone the inside of the building. I was glad the building was put into use, as it stopped being a high school in 1964. The city had a habit of abandoning these school building having them sit vacant for many decades :(

No offense, however, i must negate what majority has cited today. This is not a neighborhood chum.
It is a sister/brother, a sibling.You do not have to "stay the entire time."But to say goodbye,see her or him one last time, would make me want to do it."I would bring a family member, lots of water for the drive. 7 to 8 hrs.,is not a real long drive to me."Take the medication with you, prior to getting on the road, for a nice road trip/and or whenyou're there. Get her comfy in your vehicle and go. I would do it. Stop in a hotel if warranted,to rest up/and or a restaurant,for a meal or two.I think it would be alright.ASK A DR., first is it ok.

This is what a family member of mine did,and they been going on drives for 1 to 5 hours at times,or 6,and doing well,it helps with a dementia patient and it personally with my own loving parent going through light stages/first stages and dad is happier on a drive it seem,and never bemoan and love it,then he come home relax, sleep off and on,get up do a lil' in-house,and yard golf game,and have snacks,meal and enjoy each day and we are witnessing this.

So the drive imo(in my opinion)will be fine. But,even recently we ask the dr., and he said it is ok for him to leave town,just for a day or few days even,and we were so happy to hear this so when we go visit his 88 or 89 y.o. sister in further east toward ny/nj delaware tri-state,we know he will be happy, just fine.

Also:
I am just that type of person..I am one who would do it, no matter what take my parents to their own blood-kin funeral/wake and or 1 or the other or both even if i had to fly her or him there 15 to 50 hours away.But that's just me. This was her sibling and that is always relevant, no matter what. God bless.

Wise answers here. If the funeral were local maybe the answer would be different...when we were unaware of what was going on with my mother, we saw no issue besides some forgetfulness, so she was left in charge of packing for herself and my father for a visit (3 hour plane ride) to my sister. All was relatively fine. I got a hint of what would come when checking in at the less busy airport and going through her bag for contraband in the eyes of the TSA I found a bottle of BP pills...and I was under the impression that I had possession of all the pills to dole out and had provided my father with their loaded pill boxes...aside from her not taking ID with her ("what do I need it for? I don't drive any more!"), the travel went okay...but within hours of their arrival my sister was on the phone and couldn't believe I could think mom could travel. Suffice to say that although she wanted to be with her beloved daughter, she developed a new mantra of "I wanta go home." The new environment was stressful. And it was the same mantra especially in a noisy and overwhelming amusement park setting. We had, needless to say, lots to learn at that early point. My sister happened to initially respond honestly (you go home in 10 days) which was met with much unhappiness/distress. She then latched on to saying mom was going home "the day after tomorrow" which was soon enough and quieted things down. This was about 1.5 years ago. More recently we had a big bash with about 50 people for my dad's birthday. I was overly cautious and made sure that no guests were invited back to the house so that if mom needed to come home, she could. Although she was somewhat confused in her thinking at times, she was still able to enjoy it somewhat. The point is, you don't have much to gain by upsetting her with the truth which she will most likely forget; and if she gets stressed and upset, you won't be able to tend to your own desires of being present and may have to flip around and come home. My mom on that trip mentioned above, was stressed enough on the car trip to the airport to begin with the repetitive questions that can try your patience. Good luck...

I wouldn't take my alz hubby. I took him to brother in laws & he kept asking why are we here. No need to tell unless they ask & can make up story then. No need to upset the world they're in. Our world is repairable theirs is not.