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She is in Assisted Living. Her short term memory is pretty much gone. The funeral will be 8 hour drive to probably her favorite place on earth where she grew up. She is medicated for high anxiety and depression. I will definitely tell her of her brother's passing. I believe she will probably remember most of the time. I think it helps her to stay on her routine. I know there are people reading this who have had to make similar decision. What did you do, and did you regret it? My brother leans towards not taking her.

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I suggest out of respect for funeral attendees and in the best interest of your mother's emotional state, you do not take her to the funeral. If she understands that the person in the casket is her dead brother, she may become distraught. If she doesn't understand, she may think the gathering is a party and act appropriately for a festive occasion. In the next few weeks you can look with her at photos of her and her brother together and let her enjoy the memories. If she asks about seeing him, you will find a gentle answer, like "That's a nice idea."
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Being out in a crowd is stressful for many elders, even those without dementia, and driving 8 hours to get there even more so. Given that she isn't likely to remember and her anxiety I side with your brother.
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My husband is an 85 year old gentleman who is in a Memory Care Facility. We have been married 61 years. I visit almost every day. When our friends pass, I do tell him but I also bring along some favorite pictures of us with them in the good old days as that is how I want him to remember them. Knowing just what I do about dementia patients, I would say it is not a good idea to take the person out of a facility especially for that long of a drive.
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Mjlarkan, this is a tough call. The drive itself is long. And there would be a break in routine that might make Mom feel more confused.

When my Mom had passed, my Dad was there for the viewing and for the Mass which was in town. But Dad wasn't able to go to the cemetery as it was many States away [family plot]. If we flew it would have been difficult as the last time Dad flew was decades ago when flying was so much easier. If we drove, it would take 2 days. Dad's dementia was just starting, but the trip would have been too much. And too much for me, too, being a senior.
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Mjlarkan I went through a similar situation with my Mom. I did not tell her. She was already struggling with anxiety and aggression and I knew it would exacerbate those feelings. I did tell her about the death a few weeks later but made it sound like that was knowledge she already knew.She did fine. On the other hand I told her that a neighbor passed right when it happened.She got depressed and stayed in her room for 2 days except for eating and bathroom. She couldn't remember why she was acting like that and thought we did something to make her angry . We then had to deal with her anger. Sorry for your loss.
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I have to agree with everybody else that's posted of what I've seen of dementia so far I'm making sure I read all about what you guys are all writing because I'll be the caretaker in our family appointed because I'm the girl in the family and everybody knows I'm the closest to my parents anyway I'm there POA in the family business and the manager of our family business I'll be the one taking care of them until I am forced to put them in a home if I ever have to which I'm hoping I never will. In our family there's no history of Dementia or Alzheimer's but I want to be aware and alert if there ever is any signs of either of them. Reading all your stories is very helpful. We do have a family friend however who was amazing in life a VP of a huge Bank who has dementia and I can't even imagine what you're all going through knowing what I know of his story I would definitely keep your mom home and do what one writer wrote go through memories and pictures and make her as comfortable and happy as possible but driving and the stress would be probably a really bad idea thanks for sharing all your stories it's very helpful for someone who's younger looking out towards the future 0f our elders. I am a huge advocate against elder abuse so it's important for me to learn as much as I can going forward.
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So much wonderful advice here.
You can't predict how she would react if you were to attend the funeral, especially after such a long drive. I think it is useful to remember that persons with memory loss may not remember the actual event, i.e. her brother's funeral, but the feeling of seeing him in a casket would likely upset her for a considerable amount of time.
Also, it would be stressful for her to encounter people that she no longer remembered, as people at the funeral will remember her, but it will be difficult for her to be reminded of her memory loss when people attempt to talk with her.
Please don't feel guilty if you choose to stay home. It would be a wise decision for both of you.
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My mom's brother died while she was in AL. I asked if she wanted to go, and she said no.
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I wouldn't . Funerals are difficult for those that are healthy both physically and emotionally. The ride alone could prove to be traumatic. I would take into consideration that the last thing mom needs is an event that would trigger anxiety and depression. You could speak to her doctor for another opinion but I think he/she would agree it would not serve a positive outcome for her to take this trip. You might also present in a positive light your experience of attending the funeral in the future when you tell her of her brother's passing. Just to reiterate, I would always check with the individual overseeing your mother's treatment before I made any final decisions.
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Do not take her to the funeral, the negatives exceed the positives. The trip is arduously long, messes up her schedule, attending a funeral and dealing with strangers would heighten her anxiety and depression. Given that she has short term memory loss and will likely forget having attended...what is the upside to going?

My Aunt had dementia and we did not tell her when my father died. She was nine and he was three when she took responsibility for raising him and his seven year old brother. These three were the closest siblings I have ever seen, but the kindest thing for her was not to tell her. We figure she got a wonderful surprise when she got to heaven and he was waiting for her.

You say she has short term memory loss. If you feel she must be told, tell her once and not again. It is cruel to make someone re-discover the death of a loved one over, and over again.
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