Frankly speaking, once you take in a parent, aren't you in this for life?

I am sorry it is so hard. I am living in my dad's home and I really don't want to but he wishes to remain in his home, so I am trying to honor that but he acts like he is doing me the favor by letting me live in his home, so some days it really gets to me. I don't think he realizes the sacrifice I am making. I can't get past the feeling like a jerk if I don't do this for him but I also sure as h*ll don't want to do it either. It's a vicious circle/cycle. I am leaving for 2 weeks soon so maybe he will see how much I do for him. A friend is staying with him because he refused to go with me to my sister's and he refused to got to assisted living respite for 2 weeks. Good luck to you.

I am so sorry to hear of your troubles. Please continue to visit us here, and update on any further difficulties, and hopefully any glimmer of progress.
FWIW, we considered taking one of our parents into our home, and were willing to do it, however, the lack of a shower on our main level was the kicker--we would've spent about $20,000 to renovate the powder room to add a handicapped accessiable shower (bumping it into the garage).
I will hold you up in prayers tonight and whenever I can remember. YOU and your spouse are Beautiful People and your fears and trials are not unnoticed by the One who Sees everything.

Respite care will be the perfect opportunity for her to be evaluated. A good facility will help you apply for help from the VA if her husband was a vet and Medicaid if that is in the picture. Hopefully they will be able to keep her there and she likes the place.

Think of it in business terms as a mid-course correction. Good businesspeople don't hesitate to change directions if plans aren't proving right or validated. Politicians can be masters of this (although I would never recommend following their paths).

So think of caring for your mother as a business decision.

Although you both had good intentions, things have changed and you're justified in changing your own plans for your mother's care.

Keep telling yourself, legitimately, that the best care you can provide for her now is one in which she has the care you no longer can provide for her, which would make it easier for you and your husband to continue your lives but still remain civil to her, if she allows that and doesn't destroy the relationship with anger.

Given yours and your husbands feelings toward this situation, if you don't make a change you could be at each other's throats because of the stress. And that will affect your health.

I'm sure this must be a difficult time in your life; step back, do something to clear your heads such as work in the garden, take a walk...let nature help heal your souls. Then make your decision on how to approach transitioning from your total care to care in a facility.

Taking in a parent does not have to be a forever-after event. My sister took in our mother when she was 92 and had dementia. She cared for her for 15 months at home, but as her dementia increased and her general health decreased, it became more difficult for Sis and BIL and less safe for Mother. She is now in a nursing home (on Medicaid) and is pretty content.

If this is beginning to interfere in your marriage, it would be good to rethink your options.

She sounds confused enough to get guardianship and to be diagnosed as needing memory care. If there is nothing to be done to get her to be any more agreeable maybe that's the route to go. There might be a comprehensive geriatric evaluation you could get and it would include SW who might help you; possibly if you can get frequent enough respite the home care might be more tolerable. Captain is right about giving autonomy where you can, but when someone's judgement is really bad they can't run the whole show any more. And if they are just making you miserable while staying miserable themselves and no longer able to change their behavior even when the necessity is obvious, there may not be a good reason to struggle to keep them living with you.

As for the old resentments - well, start thinking in terms of forgiving as much as you can and remembering anything they did well, if there is in fact anything. It will be easier to do that once she is not reopening old wounds and pouring salt in them daily, but maybe there is some way to begin to have a perspective on her and her life, other than the failures of her life and relationships with you.

ive provided caregiving for two elder female family members. i dont regret a bit of it and considering my gender i think my sons not only took notice but developed a deeper respect for me . i know everyone doesnt have the work flexibility and resources to do this task but i think the ones who can and do rise to the occasion are forever enriched by the experience .
a midlife divorce forced me to build another home . i can sometimes think years in advance . i know almost for sure that a bit into the future ill have a son and young family living in my home and old dadface will be found hangin out in the basement . that time isnt far off . my som in chicago is quite unhappy with his current living arrangement . his kids live in st pete with their lazy mother . him and i will raise those kids here when their mother falls on her face . thats an inevitability as she lives on delusional pipe dreams with out any gumption to make the dreams become reality ..
whipped, your mother cant argue with herself . let her live her life , mistakes and all and only help her when she needs or asks for your help . if you take too much control from an elder your going to have a fight on your hands that makes raising teens seem tame by comparison .
my two care recievers made similar statements at different times that empowered the hellout of me . one said she felt safe with me because i have a spine , the other simply said she feels safe with me . translated that means that they were in control of their lives , i was only there to make sure no one took that control away from them . theyre old , not stupid ..

Whipped, find out what dementia care provision Medicaid will fund in your area. I haven't the first idea what it might be, of course; but the worst that can happen is that you're no worse off - and you might, just might, be pleasantly surprised. Sooner you set the wheels in motion, the sooner you'll see the light at the end of the tunnel. And that certainly beats ending up wishing your mother… you know. Best of luck - and ENJOY THAT FORTNIGHT! Wish I were there... :)