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Caretaking is grueling, boring, frustrating etc.
I don't regret my choice to be caretaker.......but at the same time I don't kick myself for wishing an end to the madness.
I still care for MIL (one is easier than two)...........but I can't help but hope her journey doesn't take much longer (for her sake and mine).
That's just normal thinking.
At the end of my dad's life he was so sick, he had hepatic encephalopathy related to end stage liver disease. He was in a NH. He was out of his mind. He was pitiful and tormented. I've never experienced so much stress in my entire life and I wanted it to end. For him and for us. I kept wondering how much longer he could go on like that and while I couldn't bring myself to pray every night, "God, please just take him" I would pray, "God, please make it stop."
Please don't beat yourself up. Most of us have thought the same thing.
Do you have anyone to help so you can have some ME time?