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i am not a bad person.

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thank you everybody. i sat next to my FIL this morning and cried a long cry and he talked to the kittens he sees on the ceiling fan. i think im going to be ok. thanks again
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When the going gets tough... the tough get going..... then we drop out of exhaustion. We all reach our limit. When one feels like this it is time for respite. We too wish it was over with. Not because we want a loved one to die, but because the quality of her life is very, very poor. I am sure our lives are now shortened by the stress of caregiving. No, do not feel guilty you have done nothing wrong.
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Perhaps the feelings that death would be a better alternative than the present life is a thought that will often go through every stressed out care givers' mind. I can only say that its a thought that should not be dwelled upon for too long and focus on making like a little better for all. Focus upon simple comfort tasks. Easier said that done but you must avoid these death thoughts as your place isn't to decide this and these thoughts can easily run away with them selves.
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You're right, you're not a bad person. What you're feeling is normal.

At the end of my dad's life he was so sick, he had hepatic encephalopathy related to end stage liver disease. He was in a NH. He was out of his mind. He was pitiful and tormented. I've never experienced so much stress in my entire life and I wanted it to end. For him and for us. I kept wondering how much longer he could go on like that and while I couldn't bring myself to pray every night, "God, please just take him" I would pray, "God, please make it stop."

Please don't beat yourself up. Most of us have thought the same thing.
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At this time last year I was taking care of FIL (oxygen and wheelchair and incontinent) and MIL (Alzheimers and incontinent). I sincerely wanted one or both of them to die. In early November, he died ............and I was so relieved.
Caretaking is grueling, boring, frustrating etc.
I don't regret my choice to be caretaker.......but at the same time I don't kick myself for wishing an end to the madness.
I still care for MIL (one is easier than two)...........but I can't help but hope her journey doesn't take much longer (for her sake and mine).
That's just normal thinking.
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I can't speak for everyone here on AC but I think many have had the same feelings as you & me when we are stressed out to our limit!!!

Do you have anyone to help so you can have some ME time?
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