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My mother and I go to church every Sunday, then out to eat. She has dementia and mobility problems (rollator at about 1 mile a day :). In the restaurant she talks about the same things and often says bad things about people. It's the same each week. I hold my tongue, because Sunday is her day.

When we get home, the same thing happens each week. I hit the bed and sleep away the rest of the day. No, I shouldn't be that tired. I also noticed I get very sleepy after doing anything with my mother during the day, such as going to the doctor and out to eat. The only thing I can figure is that it is so stressful holding myself and my tongue back that I have to reset my body and mind.

Does this happen to anyone else? I'd like to say it's a power nap, but these naps last around 3 hours. Yikes.

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Also, Sunday afternoon naps are one of the great joys of life :)
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This makes sense to me. You are on point every moment of that visit, plus the emotional work of detaching from the negative comments, etc. If taking a nap afterwards is part of your self-care, so be it.
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Hi Jessie - My mother is completely immobile and I too get so wiped out after an outing. In your case, it sounds emotionally and physically taxing. Don't feel guilty about napping. You deserve it for taking your Mom out. My family never does. It's always up to me!
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JessieBelle, welcome to the club. Any time I take both my parents to Target, I am so very tired afterwards. My Dad takes his cart and heads off to the electronic side of the store.....

I stay with Mom because she has very poor vision and has trouble finding what she wants on the shelves.... thus I am busy "re-shelving" whatever she takes an item off the shelf and can't put back where she found it. Lot of lifting and bending as it always seems what Mom needs is either on the top shelf [I have to use her cane to pull the item down] or on the bottom shelf where I find it takes me time to stand back up....

Then the time comes to find Dad in the store.... I get Mom settled on a bench with her cart, and start the man hunt. It usually is 3 trips around the store before I find him. We get back to where Mom should be, but she was worried about Dad and starts looking for him. So I settle Dad on the bench and go look for her. Then Dad decides to go look at the new light bulbs..... Ekkkkk !!

Then loading and unloading my parents' car [which I hate driving, it like driving a cruise ship], and that also can be very tiring for someone my age [pushing 70]... and loading my bags into my vehicle..... then into my own house...

No wonder I am ready for a nap. Once I get to my house, I sit down in front of the TV and am out like a light after 15 minutes.

And my parents wonder why I make excuses for not going to Target more often :)
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I also take three hour naps almost everyday. I hate it! I have no energy and am always drinking tons of coffee. Its a viscious cycle for me and i wish i didnt do it! Blood work tomorrow, but im sure that will be good as usual. Doctor says its depression. Great! He added that too my chart after 5 years or so taking anxiety medication. So now im depressed too? His answer to me was theres nothing else i can do for you but refer you to a phyciatrist. Then you need to stop smoking, excercise, get off your meds and all will be jolly again. Looks good on paper i suppose! What a life! I feel ya sista :)
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Be as kind to yourself as you are to your mother! You are thoughtful about her pleasures and patient with her weaknesses. You keep your comments to yourself, even when she says things that are hard to listen to. And you treat her with great respect and love, while navigating her through the maze of a restaurant. No wonder you're tired when you finally come home! You can sleep with a clear conscience, because you know you've done the right thing.
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JessieB. I am talking about when you are asleep. Do you have a monitor that monitors your oxygen level when you are asleep. The problem is when your brain cannot get to the REM cycle of sleep because of the apnea which means you are literally not breathing when you are asleep.This is also very hard on your heart. That is why a sleep study is needed to monitor your brain and oxygen levels while you are asleep.
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Baby, I almost called an ambulance to come pick me up after the last time Mom and I went out 5 years ago. The Puerto Rican Day Parade. It was hot & steamy. Pretending to dance salsa, she grabbed a studly NYPD cop by the hand; calling him "Papi chulo" as he spun her around a couple of times just to be nice.

I didn't just take a nap when I got home. I passed out. She was off her chain.
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I spend at least 1/2 the day sleeping after a caregiving day. It's mentally tiring, but also physically tiring because of all the driving, mostly suburban driving dodging a lot of irresponsible people who run red lights, driving while talking or texting, or are just plan irresponsible. I don't know how much of the fatigue is feeling as if I'm in a roller derby and how much is the everpresent concern and fatigue from caregiving.

But, yes, sleep is I think a necessary recovery mode.
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I used to hear parents of babies talking about how if you get a chance to take a nap you should do it...let me tell you, once I get Mama settled down and all her needs met, you better believe I get my little blanket and take a nap. The way I have her set up, the sofa is right at the foot of her bed so if she needed anything I would hear it....but oddly the naps during the day seem more energizing than sleeping with one ear open at night....I look forward to those little naps like some people look forward to going on a vacation...and for me right now it's the only time out i get...
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I go through the same things with my mom. She moves super slow, can only hear about 25 percent of what I say (on a good day) and she won't get a hearing aid. She says weird, borderline racist things to people, or just odd insulting or off-kilter stuff, or rambles endlessly. After any outing with her I feel totally drained. I'm guessing it's a combination of just having to be "on" for hours and maybe depression or feeling depressed as a result.
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I don't think I'm depressed, not unless I'm masking it from myself. OTOH, I don't think I'm the poster child for happy right now, either.
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Are you depressed?? Sounds as if you may be?? Check it out with your physician please.
Spending time with anyone who is suffering from any form of Dementia is taxing.
Blessing Be....
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I take a nap whenever it presents to me.
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I'm having trouble posting this morning. Maybe this one will go through. I also wondered about apnea, so I bought one of the oximeters that go on the finger. Oxygen level throughout the day is good, so I don't think apnea is a problem.
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Jessiebellle, just to be safe ,have you ever had a sleep study done. Sleep apnea is more prevalent than most people realize.You think you had a good nights sleep but feel tired ,run down,fall asleep if you sit to long. But as a caregiver we brush it off to just being tired from all the things we have to do. Please see about a sleep study just to be sure you don't have sleep apnea. I was glad I did because it turned out I did have sleep apnea. After waking up the next morning after the first night of wearing my mask I felt like a new human being and it was only then I realized how bad I had been feeling, it just sneeks up on you. My mother lives with me and being to actually be able to sleep even for a nap is a godsend. Also yes , after having to take her to multiple doctors and procedures bed starts looking mighty good.
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Jesse I understand.. It is soooo emotionly draining caring for a dementia patient..

I refuse to take my out to eat. My sister comes on Sunday and will take Mom out after Mass, but not me! I spend 24\7 with her and if I get a chance to eat out I want it to be relaxing... I'll get take out for Mom but after the last time we were out and she embarrassed me with remarks about the "fat" lady, I said never again...She doesn't appreciate it anyway so why bother.?
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Bill....you are too funny, and a d**n nice man at that!

So many similarities with dementia. I pray to God I don't start harping on how people look or what they or anything for that matter. Not sure about your mom Jesse but mine never said things like she does now. It's rather embarrassing at times.... I kind of do a "wink wink" so people understand.

It appears they are always on their best behavior when around other people....the caregiver gets the brunt of the anger/bad behavior. Duck / water/ stick / stones/ it just makes you tired.

My only friends are in FL. They honestly do their best to understand...even they now are starting to dwindle with me and keeping in touch.

Click click click.... I want to go home

You can do this Jessee....bless YOU for doing it
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Again I'm lucky in not having any trouble sleeping. If I get horizontal I am out like a light. I think it is a genetic thing, because my brother is the same way, only worse. He'll fall asleep even if he sits for too long.

I would love to have company join us for lunch, but I don't know anyone well enough to ask them. I've been here for 4 years, but I can still count all my good friends on zero hands. I have a few almost-friends, but none that are available on Sunday. We did go to a church luncheon a couple of weeks ago and sat with people she used to know. She was on her best behavior then, so it worked.
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i wear other people out. many times after i take aunt edna out for a couple hours she gets back home and starts telling me that id better get home and get me some rest. after she says this a couple of times i tell her " yes, my eyelids are getting heavy " . its comical . shes asleep before i get to the elevator..
i can take a hint..
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Hi JessieBell,
Since this is happening on Sunday and I am Catholic I am inclined to say "offer it up!" HAHA!
I also take my mom out once a week and I give her the choice of where to go, where to eat, etc.
Have you tried inviting someone to come to lunch with you for a diversion in conversation? Maybe someone from church? Even with dementia your mom may "put on a good face" for company.
Hopefully it would be enjoyable for both of you. You may not want to let your mom know ahead of time in case she might obsess over it or she may even forget.
You should let them know ahead of time about the dementia and prepare them for the worst! Hopefully you can find a good sport!
As for the napping....are you able to get enough rest nightly? Are you making up for lost sleep all week? The amount of stress and rest maybe related.
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I'm actually rather lucky, Jeannette, because I can leave my mother for a few hours at a time without worry. I don't know how much longer that will last, but for now I take advantage of it. My mother really doesn't want me around. She prefers being alone with her TV most of the time. If I stay with her too long, it never fails that she'll pick a fight. Sometimes I wonder if it to make me leave the room. It works.

The complaints and negative remarks are certainly wearing. Today there was a young couple sitting at a table near us and she got fixed on them. I hoped that they didn't hear her talking about them. She kept saying "She's got a ring on, so they're married." I was thinking, well, so what? As far as I knew it was his mother, aunt, or sister. I wasn't going to ask. At least she wasn't talking about how fat or ugly someone was.
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Hi there Jesse

I would have to say.... that yes it is the stress? Also it has become a habit for you and your body knows it's your nap day and you sleep really well ? :)

Like you, I get tired when doing things with my mom. Simply because she complains the entire time and it sucks me dry ( like your sponge theory)...at times I wonder why I still bother to make her do things.

How can you get away napping hours? :My mom barely sleeps at night much less me being able to nap during the day. By 6 every morning she's at my door asking if I am awake. This goes on for an hour or so...
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