Surely I can't be the only caregiver that isn't interested in sex. Has anyone else dealt with this? Were you able to overcome your resistance?

Maybe you should tell him how you want him to show his appreciation. You have a right to say no since He is not capable of doing anything for himself except apparently he is perfectly capable of having intercourse. Seems if he can get it up he should be able to do things for himself and take some of the list of responsibilities off your plate. He sounds self absorbed and selfish.

Editing my reply since he can't have intercourse the only thing I can think of is he wants to show his appreciation by having her give him a BJ or a hand job If that's the case he is even more ridiculous than I thought. Seriously how does her doing that for him make hat feel appreciated? BJs are a young persons thing IMHO. I cant imagine her being thrilled to feel pressured to do this at almost 80 years old herself for someone who can't do anything for themselves.

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No I haven’t dealt with this and no I don’t think you need to overcome your resistance. You’re doing a huge job in caregiving, you love your husband, and all that should simply be enough

Do think he is mistaking some of what you call "assurances" such as showering him with whispered words, unexpected kisses and affection as your wanting MORE intimacy and not less? If there is something you are not comfortable with you should discuss it honestly with him.

Does your husband have dementia and is this something new, his desire to show you his appreciation for all you do by giving you sexual gratification of some sort?

If his desire is to give YOU satisfaction and you don't WANT it, then he's not giving you any kind of gift at all. So no, you're not selfish, he is, if he's pushing his 'gifts' on you and you don't WANT them. Tell him to send you flowers or chocolate instead and THAT you'll appreciate! 😎

If this is new behavior and he has dementia or cognitive impairment, it goes with the territory for some men who suddenly develop an interest in sex when it wasn't quite so rampant before. When that sexual urge gets aggressive with dementia, it's known as inappropriate sexual behavior or ISB and can be managed with meds.

I also agree with Alva. Some men interpret kisses and touches as an invitation for sex. Maybe that's the case with dh? I've told my dh in the past that I sometimes like to cuddle or snuggle with him, or just be affectionate, WITHOUT him interpreting it as an invitation to rip my clothes off. 😅

Wishing you the best of luck being honest with your dh on this subject and reaching a satisfactory conclusion

Well actually I will say a very good thanks to you as many women can't do this you doing for your husband right away you making him feel loved and giving him a smile again this alone keeps a man along and could probably come up because he has a good reason to live again, God bless

Thank you all. I realize this is a sensitive topic and I appreciate that you treated it as such. Lealonnie, your thoughts are spot on. It is me that is in the unwanted position.
It is so difficult to find the right words when you know it's going to hurt someone. I've most always set aside my own own desires in deference to my husband's. I will try to work out ways to communicate this to my husband. Thanks again dear community!

Please tell him if he wants to show love and devotion, to please not pester you for sex. You've got a lot on your plate and you're in no mood for it. Best thing for him to do to show love and devotion is to co-operate with you in his best interest.

A friend of mine has a husband with dementia and he has become "hyper-sexualized". She loves him, he is the father of her children. She cares for him but is no longer physically attracted to him in that way. He is not the same person. He constantly wants to have sex with her. She now avoids getting dressed and undressed in his presence, locks the bathroom door when showering, etc... If I am not mistaken, she spoke to his doctor about it and there was a med given to him to take the constant sexual advances down a notch. You don't mention if your husband is mentally sound. If he is you could have a conversation with him about it. Tell him you're tired and more interested in a hot bath and a book. LOL If he has dementia, I suggest asking his doctor if anything can be done to take the wind out of his sails.

Have you ever thought of communication? That’s when two people talk to each other. You very eloquently explained your dilemma to all of us, why not tell him the same thing. Actually that’s your your answer. Communicate with him. Tell him how you feel about having sex. This one’s on you, dearest Judy.

It seems that the frequency and/or method of "his affection" may be more of the difficulty. Tell him what you consider appropriate in terms of showing affection and appreciation. Let him know how often - if need be put it on the calendar. Also, let him know that a "not now, dear" is not a rejection of him but more of "I'm not up for this, now." Your loving ways of writing up this problem indicates you can handle this one.

Your husband is 84 years old and probably looks it - what on earth would be a reason you want sex with him. Those days are gone - memories. He is asking something to me that makes no sense. You are not interested and lord knows I would not be either at this point in life. Simply explain this to him and say no. You will love him in other ways by taking care of him. Don't give in. But I hear many older people get like this - I would just ignore them. You are taking care of him full time and that is taking all you have to give. Stand your ground.

I understand your situation. I’m in a similar one. I love my husband more than anything but physical intimacy became quite difficult due to his advanced age and ED. We tried to keep it going (through various medical interventions & lots of patience) but it became more and more frustrating for him and something I began to dread. I’m already stretched thin due to the responsibilities that goes with his care. Sex became more exhausting than pleasurable. 

At first, I felt terrible for feeling that way. In no way do I ever want my husband to feel rejected or unloved. I wanted to be the best wife but also honor my limits. So, I got up the courage to talk to him honestly. I let him know that I didn’t have the same physical desires as when we were younger and that I love him more than I ever have. I think he felt that if he couldn’t please me, I’d want another man. I’m younger so I understand why he’d feel that way. However, I don’t need or desire another partner. I love and accept my husband no matter what. We had many years of lovely sexual intimacy but I can let it go and be happy just to be close to him. I’m grateful he’s still with me. 

By taking the tension out of attempting the actual sex, we can both relax more. We have become closer, more intimate and loving. Our friendship has deepened. I don’t think of him as less of a man and I think he now knows that. I am not lacking in love and care nor is he. While we have a different kind of closeness now, it is not inferior. There is a tenderness between us that, while isn’t grand sexual passion, is deep and meaningful. Taking the sexual act out of our relationship has allowed a union that is rich and beautiful. 

I hope you can find your way to embrace the relationship that fits with the time of life you’re living. It can be liberating to speak one’s truth. There is no shame or unkindness in being true to ourselves. We can love others and set gentle boundaries. Life is change and we must allow ourselves to make appropriate adjustments as we go. There are many things that we must let go of but that doesn’t mean we must let go of love.

I've read the responses here. If "other methods of intimacy" are what I think it is, the only message I have for our friend Judycares here is:

Oh, HELL NO!!!!

Nope and no way. The wife has to do everything for the husband because he can't handle anything for himself like making a phone call or entertaining himself, then that's like having a child. There has to come a time in a person's life when some things stop. At 84 the BJ's need to or hire a professional.

Judy,
You said you might hypothetically be interested in intercourse, which is more a two-way and less invasive than feeling you have to provide oral sex.

My friend (69) is increasingly caregiving for her 77-yo husband. Oral is not something she is willing to do but she also enjoys the closeness part that comes with intercourse, which she now cannot have. So in lieu of intercourse, they on occasion crawl into bed naked and have mutual masturbation, which is less invasive than oral.

I just think it’s the only way he knows to express his love & appreciation for you. Nobody expects you to have the energy &/or interest in sex when you are a caregiver & doing a million jobs. As a caregiver myself (caring for my 94 year old mother with dementia) changing adult diapers, taking abuse…the last thing on my to do list would be that. Hugs 🤗

Judycares: Prayers sent.

I would just say NO! he is being selfish and that is only for his own pleasure. At that age it would gag me. Don't mean to be rude, but please think of yourself.

Just tell him that part of the relationship from him is no longer necessary. You are caring for him, using so much of your energy for that part for him. It's enough for you.
Be clear to him that sitting next to him, holding his hand, the kisses is more than enough for you - and all that you have the energy or interest in as far as intimacy. If he insists on more, busy yourself with something else and say no. Keep in mind that as some age - sex can become a preoccupation of the brain. It is very common with dementia related issues for some.

Im so glad I found this. I've been feeling horrible, guilty, ashamed but after my day of constantly doing everything all day for him and our 2 kids and dog I just don't even want to think about sex.... Sex used to be fun at the end of shared responsibilies but now it just feels like another chore.
I got to shave, clean him up, change wounds, make sure his bowels are empty, and that he isn't going to pee on me and careful of his wounds and I'm gonna be the one doing all the work since he is unable to move from the chest down.. then clean him up, clean myself, and set the alarm for my middle night diaper change.. Then 6am get the kids up and ready for school.. I just do not want to. I know it's not his fault . I hate that he is going thru so much but it's not my fault either . I get no help. I just turned 40 . This was not supposed to be life yet... I don't want to leave and I wouldn't but how much can you really ask from just one person....I cringe at the thought of having sex..I hate myself for it. .especially because I do fantasize about escaping for the night and having my old life back...I know it's horrible. Someone help me.... How do I get thru this. How can I trick myself into thinking wounds, incontinence etc are sexy 😞
I'm laying in bed with our 6yo right now pretending to read a story just so I can act asleep and avoid the situation.

Desperately seeking guidance