My 84 year old husband has lately been very aware of all I do for him as his caregiver. I love this man...he has my total heart and devotion. He does however, seem to think the best way to show me his appreciation, is to engage in sex. If it was intercourse, I think I could conjur up some enthusiasm , but for various medical and physical limitations, it has to be other methods of intimacy. I'm going out on a limb here...but I readily admit, that is the LAST thing I am interested in doing. Perhaps it's selfish, but isn't being his medical secretary, physical therapist, driver, household accountant, handyman, housekeeper, cook, laundress, entertainer, psychologist, research associate, computer consultant, scheduler, and companion ENOUGH?
I lavish him with physical touch, whisper words of assurance and affection, shower him with unexpected kisses...there is just not enough motivation for me to do this as well.
I tell myself that this is what he has to offer...to feel needed and wanted..it just seems too much.
If his desire is to give YOU satisfaction and you don't WANT it, then he's not giving you any kind of gift at all. So no, you're not selfish, he is, if he's pushing his 'gifts' on you and you don't WANT them. Tell him to send you flowers or chocolate instead and THAT you'll appreciate! 😎
If this is new behavior and he has dementia or cognitive impairment, it goes with the territory for some men who suddenly develop an interest in sex when it wasn't quite so rampant before. When that sexual urge gets aggressive with dementia, it's known as inappropriate sexual behavior or ISB and can be managed with meds.
I also agree with Alva. Some men interpret kisses and touches as an invitation for sex. Maybe that's the case with dh? I've told my dh in the past that I sometimes like to cuddle or snuggle with him, or just be affectionate, WITHOUT him interpreting it as an invitation to rip my clothes off. 😅
Wishing you the best of luck being honest with your dh on this subject and reaching a satisfactory conclusion
At first, I felt terrible for feeling that way. In no way do I ever want my husband to feel rejected or unloved. I wanted to be the best wife but also honor my limits. So, I got up the courage to talk to him honestly. I let him know that I didn’t have the same physical desires as when we were younger and that I love him more than I ever have. I think he felt that if he couldn’t please me, I’d want another man. I’m younger so I understand why he’d feel that way. However, I don’t need or desire another partner. I love and accept my husband no matter what. We had many years of lovely sexual intimacy but I can let it go and be happy just to be close to him. I’m grateful he’s still with me.
By taking the tension out of attempting the actual sex, we can both relax more. We have become closer, more intimate and loving. Our friendship has deepened. I don’t think of him as less of a man and I think he now knows that. I am not lacking in love and care nor is he. While we have a different kind of closeness now, it is not inferior. There is a tenderness between us that, while isn’t grand sexual passion, is deep and meaningful. Taking the sexual act out of our relationship has allowed a union that is rich and beautiful.
I hope you can find your way to embrace the relationship that fits with the time of life you’re living. It can be liberating to speak one’s truth. There is no shame or unkindness in being true to ourselves. We can love others and set gentle boundaries. Life is change and we must allow ourselves to make appropriate adjustments as we go. There are many things that we must let go of but that doesn’t mean we must let go of love.
It is so difficult to find the right words when you know it's going to hurt someone. I've most always set aside my own own desires in deference to my husband's. I will try to work out ways to communicate this to my husband. Thanks again dear community!
Oh, HELL NO!!!!
Nope and no way. The wife has to do everything for the husband because he can't handle anything for himself like making a phone call or entertaining himself, then that's like having a child. There has to come a time in a person's life when some things stop. At 84 the BJ's need to or hire a professional.
You said you might hypothetically be interested in intercourse, which is more a two-way and less invasive than feeling you have to provide oral sex.
My friend (69) is increasingly caregiving for her 77-yo husband. Oral is not something she is willing to do but she also enjoys the closeness part that comes with intercourse, which she now cannot have. So in lieu of intercourse, they on occasion crawl into bed naked and have mutual masturbation, which is less invasive than oral.
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