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My parents, both 92, moved from an independent cottage to assisted living this past spring. Mom is mild/moderate dementia, with severe hip arthritis. Limited mobility, using a wheelchair. Dad started having serious mobility issues this summer, finally becoming unable to bear weight. So he was transferred to the skilled nursing facility in the next door connected facility. He has declined at a very rapid pace, and is pretty much confined to bed or recliner. He has developed some concerning neurological issues, including speech and swallowing difficulties, confusion, incontinence. He has a consult appt with a neuro next week. It is pretty clear that Dad's life is winding down. He is scared, and has such trouble speaking...very difficult to understand him.


Here is what I could use some advice with. My Mom, with her dementia personality, has turned into a different person. She is not especially concerned about Dad...in fact she gets very angry with him, mainly because she can't understand him, he gurgles and chokes. I understand her mind can't comprehend what's happening with him...and her sense of empathy or compassion is gone. But she insists on wheeling herself to his room each day to visit him (admirable!) get the daily newspaper (ulterior motive) and then berate and humiliate him for his weakness. I go up each week for 3 days (GA to NC) so I can referee and moderate. But between my visits, I can't control her. It really upsets my Dad, and he's starting to have nightmares about her. I suppose I could talk to someone on staff, but so far I have not seen much interest in helping with family issues of this nature.


Any advice is appreciated. And just being heard is very appreciated. Thank you much.

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I'm so sorry for this distressing situation. If you are the PoA for either your mom or Dad, you could prevent your mom from going there (by letting the admin know) or by being your Dad's advocate and having her blocked by the staff. I don't really know what other alternatives would be in this situation, except maybe contacting the chaplain for the facility to see if he/she can bring her to the room to visit but redirect the conversation if it turns sour.
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BeagoBarb Nov 2021
Thank you for your suggestion. The staff is set up at mom's side separate from the staff at dad's side, so I talked with the mom's care coordinator and explained what I see happening. We decided not to prohibit her, but rather encourage very brief visits with a CNA pushing her wheelchair over to his place for the visit (and moderating). Plus, I was able to catch Mom in a very lucid and compassionate mood today, so I think/hope she heard me say that dad is only able to do very short visits because he's so tired. And I told dad to fake sleep if she's being mean. We'll see how this goes.
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Mom needs to be banned from seeing dad. Plain and simple. Talk to admin and tell them it needs to stop. If you are there and mom starts berating dad she gets wheeled right out of the room. Do not put up with it. I would tell mom dad had to be moved to another facility or hospital so she can't access dad. I feel terrible for your father to have to be terrorized by his wife. Do you want what little time he has left to be like this? If this was another resident doing this it would be stopped pronto. And with her dementia why is mom being given free reign to go wherever she wants?
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BeagoBarb Nov 2021
Hi, thank you for your advice. Mom doesn't respond well to "you can't..." but I agree that's what be pretty effective. I asked Dad if he wanted to prevent her for coming at any time, and he said no, he still wants to see her. So we talked about him pretending to sleep if she got mean. He actually doesn't have to fake sleep, he nods off very easily. Mom actually rolled herself down today...it wasn't a good time for Dad, but she was pretty nice and pleasant.
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Would it be possible to get the newspaper taken to your mother’s room? Or even get her a separate subscription? It would remove the ‘ulterior motive’, and might drop the visits down to a less distressing level. Best wishes in coping, yours Margaret
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BeagoBarb Nov 2021
Thanks for the practical advice! I am going to do just that, start her own subscription. But she is so cheap, I will not ever tell her its a 2nd one!
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I agree with the others. Yes, sadly, she needs to be kept away from Dad.
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BeagoBarb Nov 2021
It is sad, I agree. Because there are some times where she can actually be quite sweet. And I know he misses her. I guess discreet supervised visits is the compromise idea.
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I wouldn't blame mom, she is not herself anymore. Any chance dad could be moved to a different facility?
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BeagoBarb Nov 2021
Thank you.
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Oh god im in the same boat. My mom has onset of dementia and hvg yelling episodes. My dad had a heart attack. Hes out and weak. Mom is also very controlling and jealous when I help dad. He has to secretly call me! I decided I cant help him or her so im here in my own space trying to accept it. It’s brutal on my heart. Im angry and sad.
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BeagoBarb Nov 2021
I'm so sorry. Thank you for understanding...its a difficult time.
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Yup dementia takes away the ability to feel compassion for others. They only think of their issues and needs. Tough to wrap my brain around this also. Dad needs to have very short visits with her. The facility I worked in were able to help control those visits. If her visits upset your Dad…that is not fair to him. Talk to facility manager and let them help work out a better plan..her wheeling over may benefit her but what about him? Just saying………..good luck..
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BeagoBarb Nov 2021
Thank you
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" I go up each week for 3 days (GA to NC) so I can referee and moderate."

So you're spending almost half of your time there? How far away is their facility from your home?

How did you get into this situation? Do you have sibs?
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BeagoBarb Nov 2021
Thank you. I live about 200 miles away, thankfully retired. My brother is in NH, so not so easy. He is coming on Saturday.
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Glad you are working on a good solution for dad and mom.
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BeagoBarb Nov 2021
Thank you
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You should ask your Dad if he would rather not have mom visit unless you are there. Or maybe he doesn't want mom to visit at all. Find out, if you can't understand him, use short sentences when talking and asking questions. He can answer yes or no or he can point to a big yes or no written Big use black marker on white paper. Or he can shake his head Yes Or No.

I imagine he is lonely and scared.

Also if he can still write, he can write what he thinks.

Ask other questions too regarding his care.

Older people do start having trouble swallowing but also in a Care Facility, they are all understaffed and they really don't have time to spend one on one feeding someone or doing anything much.
Please make sure he isn't hurting.
Don't believe anyone, check things out for yourself.
Make sure no one else is around when you question him as he migh5 be scared of saying things in front of Aides, Nurses and your mom.
Check for Bed Sores on his butt.

My 97 yr old Dad that was in his bed or recliner 24 7 had gotten a bad big raw sore on each butt cheek. I had them use organic Coconut Oil then a Butt Paste with Zink on the sores.
Same thing happened in my Dad's private area, as the Diapers keep the area warm and moist and diaper changes are far and few between so the loved ones do actually sit in their urine and poop til the changing cycle.

Also check between his inner leg and his testicle s because both sides, my poor dad had a fungas rash, very raw.

Sad but true, you can holler all you want but they come when they come.

The Nurse Patient Ratio in a Nursing Home is like 12 patients to 1 Nurse.

Just so you know, if patients are deemed too needy, too loud, trouble then they are medicated.
They tell you that your love one is anxious, depressed, acting up, ect to get your permission to giive him the meda but in reality, it's just to make things easier on them.

They sedate him and he ends up Zombie Like.

Prayers for your Dad
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BeagoBarb Nov 2021
Thank you so much for your helpful advice. This facility is very good, I trust them completely. I am a hospice volunteer, been in a lot of facilities, so sadly I know too well what you mean.

Dad won't be struggling much longer, but this is good advice for when my mom starts declining.
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Seems that both of your parents are not handling their visits well. I can really only see 2 options. Get mom a subscription for her own newspaper - so she won't visit your dad or berate him. Another option, talk to their doctor about mild anti-anxiety medication for both of them so they will be less anxious and act out less.
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BeagoBarb Nov 2021
Thank you.
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I just lived through this and have been thinking a lot about it.

They are both scared! Both alone vs being married (67 years in my parents case). It is not at all unusual for theiir fear to surface this way, IMO.

You are getting good advice and doing the right thing. You are grieving also take care of yourself! You need to make the limited time left to be filled with as much joy as possible.


The facility should schedule routine short supervised visits of your Mom with your Dad. You should spend most of your time on dedicated visits to one or the other. Maybe one short visit with both of them (possibly lunch on the middle day of your three days).

We had a nixplay frame running though family pictures at each parents location. They really enjoyed seeing old pictures of their childhood and ours. Evidence and reminders of their lives well lived! I also purchased a GRand pad which is a simpllified ipad for seniors! Dad could just touch a picture of whoever he wanted to talk to ( includiing Mom) and be connected in a video call. He used it often in the two months he had it. I only wish got is sooner.


Prayers and Best wishes for you and your parents, Godspeed!
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BeagoBarb Nov 2021
Thank you so much for you caring and compassionate advice.
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I just lived through this and have been thinking a lot about it.

They are both scared! Both alone vs being married (67 years in my parents case). It is not at all unusual for theiir fear to surface this way, IMO.

You are getting good advice and doing the right thing. You are grieving also take care of yourself! You need to make the limited time left to be filled with as much joy as possible.


The facility should schedule routine short supervised visits of your Mom with your Dad. You should spend most of your time on dedicated visits to one or the other. Maybe one short visit with both of them (possibly lunch on the middle day of your three days).

We had a nixplay frame running through family pictures at each parent's location. They really enjoyed seeing old pictures of their childhood and ours. Evidence and reminders of their lives well lived! I also purchased a Grand pad which is a simplified iPad for seniors! Dad could just touch a picture of whomever he wanted to talk to ( including Mom) and be connected in a video call. He used it often in the two months he had it. His SNF nurse helped him connect to a Christmas Eve Zoom call where he was able to see and her all of his children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren, across the country! I only wish that I got it sooner.


Prayers and Best wishes for you and your parents, Godspeed!
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They should have a locked dementia unit for the mom where she can't leave and bother the husband. After a couple months you could try wheeling her down and see how she acts. If she still doesn't behave I would keep them separate until her dementia decl8nes and she is civil. Sounds l8ke she need namenda and maybe sertraline or something if not already on.
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BeagoBarb Nov 2021
Thank you. Thankfully today she is being very kind and understanding.
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Thank you everyone for your thoughts, ideas and compassion. Things have changed dramatically since I got here Sunday. Dad has taken a real dive... they have done bloodwork, tests, ekg, xray, and nothing is showing up. His doctor is telling me that his body his simply shutting down. I had sensed this was starting a few weeks ago, but now it is here. Hospice is coming tomorrow, so we should be getting him as comfortable as possible. He is not in pain thankfully. But he is so afraid. He can barely talk. I brought Mom in for a few minutes, after I had explained to her what is happening. She seems to be understanding what is going on and was actually very sweet to him...so grateful.

I saw a rainbow this morning in the sunrise clouds...a sun dog. Brought me comfort. Thank you all for bringing me comfort too.
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Geaton777 Nov 2021
92 is a "ripe" old age...Perhaps the facility has a chaplain that can come in to speak words of comfort to him? I wish you great peace in your heart as you stay near to your parents during this time. Thank you so much for the update. It's very helpful to so many people who are giving and reading advice.
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I think you have to speak with your father and follow his preferences. Obviously they have been together a long time, but if unfortunately your mother is now affecting his remaining time in a negative manner then the facility she is in need to restrict her visits - perhaps only allowing her to go when you are there. It is admirable she is going along each day but she is not your mother as you father knew and loved her. Ask the facility to ensure she stays in her room if you are not there to take her to see your father. If she has to have a locked room then maybe that has to be the case, but your father needs some peace. Good luck and hugs to you all.
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Michelle2828 Nov 2021
i really agree with what you are saying here. unfortunately, I believe this is the only way to go because of the seemingly extreme distress she's causing your grandfather. I'm surprised that management is not aware of this. it sounds so painful to watch. one thing I'm thinking is that it could be her arthritis is causing even more pain than it used to..... prayers.
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BeangoBarb: I am so very sorry to read that your father's health has worsened. That is a blessing that your mother is still able to be with him. Wishing you prayers and peace in the days ahead.
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Edit: Erred on your user name. Sorry, BeagoBarb.
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