Suggestions on how to deal with an "independent" mother?

Your description sounds very familiar. My MIL was just the same at that age. At first we talked her into having a helper come by for a few hours several days each week. She enjoyed the company and the helper ate the evening meal with her so she was not alone.

I will say that looking back ( 8 years later into dementia), I realize that her mental faculties were failing even then. When someone doesn’t recognize or admit they need help, things are already going awry in the brain.

Good luck. It can be a long journey.

I am sorry but I think there is some cognitive problem here. At 89, she needs a full work up. Labs, testing and neurological.

She is losing her ability to reason.

If she does not mind the wait, and if it has not changed, Walmart may still have the shipping in 2 days, free , of non perishable food. Tried it myself and absolutely loved it.

There are so many older women here (my mom’s neighbors) that treat going on their weekly grocery trip as a social event of the week. They wouldn’t miss it for anything short of a hurricane!

They’ll spend days planning their grocery lists and still spend what seems likes hours picking out things, talking about foods and recipes to anyone that happens to be nearby. Might your mother look at it in a similar way?

Some take the community bus together, some go with others and share a taxi or ride.. is that something your mother would enjoy?

I don’t understand what’s wrong. It sounds like you are looking for reasons to criticize.

Spend your time cleaning out your own fridge-before berating others. Respect your mom’s privacy and count your blessings that she is so capable.

Raptor, consider yourself fortunate that mom wants to do what she can for herself, while she can.

Step back. Continue to offer to take her to the store. But, just let her do it. When you visit her just take a few things with you that you know she will enjoy.

My own refrigerator doesn't have eggs. I usually have yogurt milk juice cheese and pepperoncinis to have with my cottage cheese. I just do not need much. Will buy meat when I am going to eat it. Otherwise, it will not be in my fridge.

Now that I'm 72 and experiencing short-term memory impairment -- and still working -- I have much more understanding of my mom's mental process in her late 80s (20 years ago).

Mom was adamantly opposed to moving from her home of 30 years, no matter what condition she might eventually be in. She was steadfastly resistant to having someone live in until much later than we 'children' (all in 40s and 50s by then) thought appropriate. Because:

* having visited friends in nursing homes over long periods, she had an idea what that would really be like for herself;

* having watched good friends be forced into Assisted Living or even Retirement Communities by their well-meaning children, she had seen how well that didn't work out (the kids believed the ads, but the resident experience was always more disappointing than that, etc);

* having participated in the last days of several friends still living alone in their own houses, she had a pretty good idea how that would go -- and liked it!

At about age 85 she posted a typewritten sign on her front door that said essentially: Crotchety Old Lady lives here. Don't talk about me behind my back, don't pretend you know best for me. If I'm sleeping when you arrive, wake me up! I'm probably only sleeping because I got tired of reading.

At age 87 she allowed her youngest child to move in 'for a few weeks' after a brutal divorce. At age 89 she was still enjoying reading, TV, and email, but was finally letting him do all the cooking. During her last few months she occasionally needed help getting up in the middle of the night. During her last three weeks she needed someone asleep in the same room overnight.

Would she have lived longer in an Assisted Living place? Maybe. But she would have hated the whole thing, the whole time.

Now that I'm 72 and working in Hospice, I get to see various ways of ending up really old ... and I think someone 89 deserves to make her own choices.

I don't at present see much to worry about, to be frank. If you are certain your mother's cognitive abilities are good it really is up to her. She could be "worried" and determined to hang on to her own life so long as she is able; at her age she is seeing many of her own age needing help and having their families take over and take on more and more. The more you push the more you will be rejected. Just gently ask weekly if she would like to go shopping -- ie "We are going to the store tomorrow; can we pick you up anything or would you like to go with us". You are not in a position now to be caretaker to make the decisions. But you may be eventually. So just enjoy this time off, and keep offering help gently.

My dad is the same age, also living alone, and very frail. He also cancelled meal delivery, said he hated the food, and loves his weekly grocery store trip because it’s a social outing for a man who leads a too often lonely life. He does wait for a family member to go grocery shopping, usually at least. My dad is adamant not to move and I’ve had to accept that I can’t force him. He has a sound mind and can fully make decisions. We’ve put a lot of props in place to help him in his home and will see how long it lasts. I know he’ll move when a crisis forces it and never until that time. I’d say to respect your mom on this, unless you see real signs of dementia, and help as you can. And don’t force or keep on about things she doesn’t want, independence is great for however long it can last

If mom is independent and wants to remain so and has her faculties, I'd have a short chat: Tell her she is not managing well and remind her you work full time. So either she accepts the in-home help, meals on wheels and other food delivery or else you will have to look for a place. Call your local office on aging as they may have some sort of in-home help available which would include checking the food in the fridge. Heck, how many here haven't cleaned their fridges in a while and find something yucko in there when they do? Don't feel bad about the snooping...I did at first as well, but thank god I did....the beginning of it all for me was finding an envelope that I was possessed to open from their supplemental insurance...I discovered it was about 2 months BEHIND. The terror of them not having coverage...and that was the beginning. As things went on and I cleared out drawers filled with papers...I had to set things up, organize...and in the end...had 15 POUNDS of paper to shred (they weigh it).

You say she has extremely poor vision - is she driving herself to the store? Is that safe?

Yes, how is she getting to the store and appointments?

For several years I took my mom grocery shopping twice a week. She didn't have a walker back then, but held tight to the grocery cart. She was very disoriented at the store, but seemed to need to pick out her own food, even though I was doing most of the cooking for her. I had to learn the routine of the isles, because I shopped for myself at a different store. When she needed home care, they took her shopping for about a year longer. Eventually, she just got too tired to make it through the store, but would sit making a list for me or the care giver just about every day. I think she misses caring for a home, as she always wants to help in the kitchen at the assisted living place. I think this insistence on independence has to do feeling useful in the world. And I think I somewhat failed to keep my mom feeling useful, making too many decisions for her in my haste to get things done. Now that I have more time and not rushing about so much, I ask her opinion about things I do for her more. She often has no idea what I'm talking about, but states her opinion anyway.

We have a similar problem except Mom is diabetic so the meal eating is even more important. She has been on her own for a long time and likes being a friendly hermit, enjoys doing her own grocery shopping (though she doesn't like the elderly services van and prefers having one of us drop her off for several hours and pick her up when she's done) but isn't quick to want to get out. I think it's a combo of feeling like it's too much work to cook and the clean up just for herself and having more and more fear of using the stove. She has in the past and just again the other day when her doctor suggested it, turned her nose up to Meals on Wheels or equivalent and or going to the senior center for some meals. I think it's her perception about what that means, she knows she's a self imposed shut in but somehow receiving MOW means she's an elderly shut in, unable to care for herself (she is but...). Anyway, I got a bunch of TV dinner/take out containers from Amazon and spent a couple of days making a bunch of frozen dinners for her last time I was there and while sometimes we had to remind her they were in the freezer those seemed to work well. I included her as much as she wanted to be in the cooking and putting together but I controlled the salt (supposed to be on low salt diet) and varied the meals, cooking for an army and put together a pretty full freezer of stacked and labeled meals all set for the microwave. Made a 2 whole chicken's in the pressure cooker and after pulling the meat off threw the bones and bits back in to make bone broth so she could throw in the slow cooker to make chicken soup. Used some of the meat in meal container's with various frozen vegetables and rice or potatoes. Made what we call gulosh, ground meat, elbow noodles, frozen corn and red sauce, mac and cheese, frozen tilapia with rice...I try to change it up as much as I can with various veg and starch but mostly it's chicken or pasta based because I'm not a great cook and have just a few go too's for a crowd (oh pulled pork in the crock pot or pressure cooker, easy peasy) but I just get a bag of frozen beans, bag of frozen peas, big bag of corn, spinach and dole them out in the various containers to change things up a bit. I also get big containers of Greek yogurt and make up several individual containers mixed with some fresh fruit because she does love them and I get so sick of her eating 2-3 of those little Activa containers that aren't worth the expense but easy for her to pick out at the store unfortunately. It would be a big help if she would allow Meals on Wheels to drop of hot meals a couple times a week even to extend the meals but so far no go.

I like the idea below of family members giving her a call when they are going to the grocery store or maybe just out shopping and offering to take her or drop her off while they do their thing or simply offering to pick something up. It spuds like maybe your mom is feeling less comfortable cooking and that's probably a good thing, she isn't trying to do more than she should and creating a dangerous scenario, you just need to figure out how to help her adapt to that and still get good meals. Maybe family members can take turns stopping by several times a week to check in, clean up the kitchen, make some sandwiches or take a couple meals out of the freezer to defrost (just takes less time in microwave this way). This would start helping everyone get adjusted to her needing more regular...attention/oversight if you will. I think as they loose more hearing and eyesight gradually rather than suddenly they likely adapt without realizing how bad it's getting and sequestering themselves, no longer doing things like cooking and cleaning, reading and having friends over for tea as much are all unconscious adaptations. We all do that in our lives, adapt without thinking about it that way and no doubt this has a lot to do with why we don't notice changes as soon as we think we should have (their LO's I mean).

People are creatures of habit and the older we get, the more adherence to routine. Keep in mind, your big goal is to keep her walking/moving/active/social. When those things stops - you have problems that may not be reversible. I like to pick out my own groceries, so understand that part. Some of the food delivery might have been booted because it didn't include your company in the meal. Sounds like her mind is still good and all the more reason to keep her out of the facility for as long as possible.

Give her a book type calendar - month at a glance - and mark on it the day you are available to go grocery shopping. Don't ask - set a date. Call that morning and tell her to be ready and give your arrival time. When you get back separate meat items into a meal portion and freeze. Look in frig before you go to determine what needs to be tossed-when you put fresh items away, bag up the old and take it with you. - Other appts are put in the calendar, too, to make it easier for both of you.

When you cook a meal at home, make double and prepare some frozen meals out of that. It's familiar food for her. You work FT, but is there other family who could drop by with a burger in mid week? What about her friends? How does she get to Bingo - perhaps on Bingo day, pay for lunch for person who takes her.

If she needs a little help with cleaning/washing - is there someone she knows that could help with these tasks and give her a little social time as well? Even if you need to pay on the side.

Trust me - you need to keep her doing what she is doing. Don't have facility conversations with someone who still has it pretty much together but just needs a few loose ends tied up. Change the conversation to things that can be done to help her stay in her home as long as possible.

Sit down, have a cup of tea with her, and give her a written list of things you think she needs help with. Tell her not to look at it now, but to consider it after you have left - keep yourself a dated copy - then talk to her in a week and see what she has to say. If she continues to refuse any assistance make another copy of the list, send with a letter to her Dr and request it is put on her file, telling them that she refuses any assistance but would they please make note of your concerns and discuss with her when they next see her. After that leave her to it. Don't assist with anything - sometimes people have to be left with no support to realise a) what they already get, and b) what they actually need. I am assuming she is not suffering from lack of cognitive ability where to do this would be dangerous.

I am there too. You are concerned for her safety and her health. It breaks our heart to have the parent dismiss us . Even harder to have them expect to have you open to their time frame ( since they have all the time in the world and we do not) Also have my mother say no to food delivery and retirement home and anyone even coming to clean etc. Gets angry.
It is pride and fear. They are comfortable with the house they know. A new place confuses them even more if they have any small confusion issues. And the denial- I will never get old and incapacitated.
When you understand her motives you can approach things without taking it personally. Lots of practical advice here by people who have walked the path you are beginning.

My mother is 94, lives alone in the mountain area of NC, 700 miles from my brother & I. She refuses to move closer to us, she refuses to go into independent living, she refuses to do anything to make everyone's life easier. For 94 she is in good health and still drives...Yikees! I have hired people to assist her, when I leave she fires them, saying they are stealing from her...not so. Honestly, we have given up, we now sit and wait for the day to come, and it will, a rubber band only stretches so far before it breaks. If we bring anything up that she does not want to hear, she gets real nasty and tells us to F ourselves and that we are useless, at this point I really don't care, as she has been verbally abusive all her life and I have had enough.

If she needs help but doesn't want any, I would say she doesn't have all of her faculties after all. Getting her help now for her safety is better than waiting for something bad to happen. She would adjust. Life is always full of adjustments.

Would she be open to meals on wheels? There are programs to help an aging person in the home. These caregivers can pick up groceries and do light housekeeping such as throwing out expired food or mopping the floor. Council on aging vans and rides from friends/neighbors can minimize the need for her to get behind the wheel. The more mom can do independently, the longer she will stay healthy. Respect her desire to independence and gently suggest some of these strategies in the name of protecting and prolonging her independence. One at a time, give each type of assistance a try.....not all at once.

Based on what you are telling me, she may have her "faculties" but she is NOT capable of living alone without some care and supervision.....and then she fires the people or makes it very difficult for others around her. Once this behavior starts, and the personality changes and becomes uncooperative and abusive, then you MUST FACE THE FACT that you have to take drastic action. No one should be allowed to get away with this and still be considered safe. She does need help and if she refuses to have caretakers, then you have no choice but to place her somewhere that she can be taken care of. You have no other choice. She can't see, can't hear, fires everyone, manipulates, and is stubborn. What more proof do you want? Do something before her behavior destroys YOU.

i have the same situation with my Grandfather.
I think your Mother & my Grandfather are quite happy
And we are the one's with the problems.
Really. I ask myself why it is so important for me for impose my ideas, help, eating plan etc onto him? I think its so he can be healthy & therefore happier and enjoy life more. And be here with me for longer. The truth is that change is hard while im young...i think its probably nearly impossible in the 80's
If the were "in need of help" they would ask for it
Why take away their happiness if we don't have a greater happiness to put in its place?
Im sure your Mother would like it if you asked for her advice, rather than giving her advice. Then she will feel needed
Enjoy your Mum while she is still here...and take a chill pill
I have looked at assisted living and nursing homes ...they are Not nice places.
Check it out

After my mother started having short term memory problems and was diagnosed with MCI, I used grocery shopping trips with Mom to "monitor" how well she was doing. She did very well shopping for her groceries until the store rearranged some things, then I had to help her find new locations for some things; food choices were very similar to her younger years, though the fridge was a little more cluttered. Since I lived across the street and cooked almost daily, I sent my parents an evening meal most days. Mom also allowed me to buy and ship straight to her house bulky stuff (toilet paper, detergent, soap, etc.) so we didn't have to bother with shopping for them on grocery days. When Mom came to live with me, she gave up grocery shopping without any complaint but she still wanted to be useful and help with the housework and cooking.

My mother was the primary caregiver for my father with vascular dementia and I was able to eventually talk her into allowing someone into her home 4-5 mornings a week to help with housework. One of the weekly tasks was cleaning out the fridge; Mom and Dad both like to keep "left overs" too long but didn't seem to mind when they went missing each week.

I recommend Healthy Choice Cafe Steamers as a quick and nutritious meal for an independent senior; sodium count is low enough even someone on a reduced sodium diet can eat them daily (at least once). Most of them only need 4-5 minutes in the microwave, are very tasty, and inexpensive at $2.50 to $3.00 each. My mother couldn't pull back the plastic so she cut it off with a small paring knife.

I think a lot of seniors start not eating as well because they are too tired to prepare the food. And then it's difficult to maintain good health when you're not eating well.

I would encourage you to approach your mother with the attitude that YOU NEED to know she is safe in her own home with all the comforts she is accustomed to having. It's normal to tire faster as you age and need a little help. You need to work and cannot help her nearly as much as you would like, so would she please accept hiring someone for a few hours each week to take her shopping and help with some of the housework you cannot? My experience was once you have someone in the door and a few weeks passes where your mother becomes accustomed to the help, expanding that help later is much easier than getting that first person/service through the door.

At the time my late mother was "keeping house" (NOT) in another state 500 miles from my own, I had to move in with her. She had waited too long to make any decision. I had to do it for her. Talk about difficult!!!!!! Prayers sent to you. It's hard!

Isn't it fun?!  I kept up the pressure for 22 years about wanting my mom to move closer to me and all of the benefits it would bring to both of us if she did, and my friends said it wouldn't do any good to keep after her until I got "the call".  Sure enough, I got "the call" when I actually called her the day AFTER she set the house on fire and she told me herself what she had done!  After that, I told the job to do what they had to do, because I was going to do what I had to do, and began setting and ATTENDING doctor's appointments and results with her ( she lived in another state away from me), and then she had an episode while we were vacationing, and the RESORT made the call to the authorities, and the rest is history!  I now have my mom in a facility, and it didn't turn out AT ALL like I thought it would, but she is nearby, and I now have her safe and sound.  I check on her about every other day, and it has been a roller coaster ride from Day One.  Start in RIGHT NOW getting in a support group and attending all of the caregiver meetings that you can find in your area.  Enlist and set up a schedule with your siblings on who will do what to help care for your mom.  It won't go away!  Get ready for the ride!  Good luck!

While my mother was willing the last couple of years to let me do most of her shopping.  I can understand wanting to "do it myself" after my husband shopped for us a few times when I was laid up.  Understandable that you cannot take her shopping on the weekends that you work, is there someone else you can?  Can you take her on your weekend off?  Since you are worried about what little food is in the house maybe MOW would be a solution.  Another option would be to call her on a day when you are stopping at the store for yourself and offer to "pick up a few things" for her or offer to grab her one of those cooked hot roasted chickens from  the deli.  Not so much stepping on her toes and taking her independence away but offering assistance since its on your way,

Employ a "care friend" to take her out and be sociable - very useful when it comes to needing to clear fridge of items about to walk away etc as can make comment and do when putting stuff away, can make suggestions on what she might like etc and as time passes offer to do bits in house - we have a retired (in 50s) carer who is a whizz at getting mother to do things she won't listen to me about needing doing. The dinner thing is a pain, but only her way of trying to give you something (probably) we have this with mother EVERY time we go out - to Dr, to hospital, so take her to coffee with friend, everything. Very hard to keep finding reasons not to go, when quite honestly I just don't want to have to watch her eat. I know she means well but what can one say.

Sounds like dementia is not an issue, so could you simply "have the talk"? If she wants to stay in her home, what services could she hire in? She needs to cover basic nutrition, so how does she think she can do it?  Decide how much you can be involved and keep mission creep in mind. If she wants to be independent, fine, but that means figuring out how to manage on her own or by using various services.  Sounds like you have tried to push her in good directions here, but she is balking, refusing to understand that her world has changed and neither you, nor anyone else, can roll time back.

I haven't read all the comments here, so forgive me if this one is a repeat. I'd go in and DO the grocery shopping for your mom. Fill up her kitchen with whatever YOU think she'd need and want. Then tell her you'll be doing this on a bi-monthly basis, whether she likes it or not, and to please leave you a shopping list for next time if she's unhappy with your selections. Or, tell her you'll be back at thus and such a time and date to take her to the store. If she'd like to give you the silent treatment, that's fine too. What our folks don't want to take into consideration is that their stubbornness creates lots of issues for US. We wind up having to clean up the mess they make, one way or another, whether it's food poisoning from rancid food and a trip to the ER or a call from a social worker about malnutrition and neglect.

Best of luck!