Any suggestions for this end-of-life vigil?

You can read...you can put some music on for her...for you. You can hold her hand...flip the pillow so she always has a cool side...you can share special memories with her...you can tell her that her work here is done, and the family that's already crossed over will be waiting to take her by the hand...you can quietly cry...perhaps almost rejoice that her suffering is about to end...you can sit and rest with her because as surely as her work is about done, so is yours.

I am so sorry.

It may not be much longer. Keep talking to her, singing, reading, music anything that sooths her and you. Sometimes hearing is the last sence to fail. She may not comprehend any longer but it may give her a feeling of not being alone. I wish you the best on this difficult journey.

Hold her hand, maintain touch. I'm a firm believer that even as some of the senses slow down, there's still the human connection of touch. I saw evidence of this when my father was in a medically induced coma and I watched the monitor reflect brain wave activity.

Maggie's and Windy's suggestions are good and helpful.

As you become more sad, remember that you're helping to ease the transition process for her, and that could be the most important act you've ever done for her. You are partnered in spirit at this time of your lives.

I see that you use holistic methods; you might try some lavender or cinnamon in jars or bowls to scent the air and help relax you both. I carry a bottle of cinnamon in my bag for ER visits; it helps me.

You could also look at magazines that induce calm - magazines with photos of beautiful countrysides, gardens...soothing photos.

If she's conscious, I would try to bring in someone who practices Reiki therapy.

I too am sorry to learn that she's reached this state and sorry for the pain you feel. Peace to you both.

I have not been through this, only through the process of desperately trying to will people to keep trying to live when it was not their time. But I want to wish you comfort and strength, and thank you for sharing this process with us. It is so deep, so meaningful, so private, and yet others looking in from the outside can gain understanding and wisdom from what you share.

Singinway...
So wish we all could give you a hug...
My Mom..simply loved John Denver Songs...It made her smile even though she couldn't talk...and all the nurses and caregivers loved them too..good energy ;-)
She also loved A good cup of coffee when she could drink even though everyone said it wasn't good for her :-)). Love the suggestions for massage and reading and scents..My Mom loved them all..
Sounds like you are a precious daughter..she is so blessed to have you.
Smooth sailing for you all....Comfort and peace .

"Like a Ship Sailing Home"


Found in the dead soldier’s shirt pocket, over his heart, a newspaper clipping which the young man had apparently always carried with him. His buddy opened it, read it and cried again. The clipping said so much about what his friend believed about death and life.

So he sent the clipping home to the dead soldier’s parents, that they might be comforted by what their son believed, that his faith might help strengthen their faith, the clipping read something like this.

"We are standing on a shore. A large sailing ship is about to pull out. Friends and relatives of ours are standing on the deck, waving goodbye, throwing streamers, calling to us, calling our names. And we call to them and to each other. ‘Look, there’s Grandma…there’s Uncle Joe…there’s Uncle Bill.’ A bell sounds. The ships begins to move away.

"We stand silently for a very long time and watch as the ship goes further and further away until, finally, the mast is just a vertical pencil line on the distant horizon. Then it too goes down, until we can no longer see it. And we sigh, ‘Oh, she’s gone.’

"But gone from where? Gone from our sight. That’s all.

"For at the very moment we sigh, ‘Oh, she’s gone,’ another cried on another shore is jumping up and down, laughing and yelling and pointing excitedly out to sea saying, ‘Look! She’s coming. Look, the ship Is coming home! Look! There’s Grandma…there’s Uncle Joe…there’s Uncle Bill.’"

The ship is coming home. There is another shore, another dimension in which we have already begun to live. We are filled with the Spirit of our Risen Savior—forever.

Went through this a few short weeks ago. Like many have suggested, hold her hand, stroke her forearms/legs/cheek/hair... just let her know you are there, right beside her. Quiet music in the back ground could be nice but... don't change too much of what she hears daily, it is more comforting to be on the same page as every other day....I am so sorry and I do wish your dear mother? a peaceful escape from the old body and her spirit a bumpy free soar into the heavens.

her music she liked listening to, perhaps a voice on the radio...Do any of your relatives tell wonderful stories? Play her favorite movie, as long it is not the GodFather. Not appropriate. Make it happy,,, Can she still talk eat and know people? Smile. Rick Steves has a show about distant placed. He spoke of a cemetray in Italy. What a nice way to look at death. The woman he interviewd said it is not sad, it's happy, there it Uncle Jane, and Aunt George, and their neighbors are very nice, they are not alone.....It gave me another look on death. It was good. different culture

I have a friend whose mantra is: DEATH IS OKAY. Don't fear it...Im trying, Bill

I know when I went through this with my Mom recently that there wasn't really anything that made it easier for me. But one thing I would say is knowing that her pain was finally going to end and that she would be reunited with my Dad and brother etc. helped.

The sitting and staring at her face day after day really took its toll but at the same time I didn't want to stop cause her face was so dear to me I wanted to imprint it on my mind. Its amazing but at 92 her skin was still so smooth and I could see me and my brothers and sisters in her face too.

I'll never regret being with her at that time even if she may not of been aware of my presence through most of it. The conversations I had with my siblings during this time were real too. Not any of the "so, nice weather we've been having lately" that people usually kill time talking about.

I wish you the very best Singingway and I hope that you come out of this experience stronger. God Bless you!

I appreciate all the compassion here for me and my mother, thank you. The hardest thing is that all I can do is swab her mouth and give ice chips when she is thirsty, she aspirates on everything else, even thickened water. Her heart is so strong, her extremities are still warm and her eyes are open and fully conscious, but her breathing is is labored due to her weakness. Energy reserves all used up over these last five months. I hope that, like the birth process, what is seen on the outside is not what the person is experiencing on the inside. I think she is completing "work" inside, releasing to go. Arsenicum Album and China.300 homeopathy helped relieve the phlegm in the throat, the "rattle," and the anxiety. It worked amazingly.

There are times to be a Mary and times to be a Martha, and they are at odds within me. Relieved of the constant hydrating and feeding now, I have time to sit with my mother and "just be," probably for the first time in years! Then I catch her eye and wonder if there is something else I could be doing for her. So I start housekeeping -- the room, her body, the equipment. I am coughing for her. Clearing my throat in sympathy. Her good strong body is wasted away to bones now. Which is so hard for me to see, as the caregiver. Even though I know it is a natural process.

My mother lived tea do I would dip the mouth swab in tea for a change. I also let me suck on a fruit Popsicle and a taffy. You are doing everything right, there are no wrong choices anymore. Assure her she will be in a better place with her loved ones who have gone before, that those staying here, you included will be sad but ok because you know it is time for her to go. Praying for peace and comfort for you and your mom. 🙏

Thank you Patrice2oz, your words are comforting.

Think of the things that comfort an infant. It is the same for the dying. Hold her hand, rub her back, just stay close. Lie down beside her and if you can't do that lay your head on her pillow. Sit where she can see you not right beside her bed at the head where she can't see your face. sleep beside her holding her hand. it is all about touch.

Singing way, I am going through this as you right now. I have been doing the same things and have cleaned up all the things lying around. I have Hospice helping with 24 hour care at the assisted living facility. So, I can go home and recharge my batteries.

I'm holding her hand, and even now, her hands are so beautiful -- such clever dextrous hands, sewing children's clothes, (cloth) diapering, feeding, rocking and loving foster babies by the dozens over many years. Setting up tents and cooking on a campstove for cantankerous teenagers. Writing hundreds of letters, to keep the far-flung family connected. Playing board games. Doing crafts with kids. Driving safely hour after hour on cross-country vacations. Taking temperatures and giving medicine. Strong soft hands.

Singingway, your posts are so beautifully written, so poetic, so delicate and touching. You have a gift for description of emotions.

I sat here this morning and cried then laughed remembering my moms last day. I had 2 beds pushed together in the dining room so someone could lay with mom at all times. My dad, siblings, children and cousin were all there . We all took turns just quietly praying with mom or telling her our memories. About 3am on the day she died I noticed that her coloring was really bad. Since i no longer had to feed or get mom ready for the day, I was a little lost not being in the full caretaker mode. so i decided to put some powder, blush and lipstick on mom. My mom did not wear a lot of makeup but would always say let me put my face on. I knew her time was near and this was my final gift to her. Everyone who layed with mom that morning kept commenting on how pretty she looked. Some of my family thought I was nuts but it helped me to get through that last day. I had been telling my mom for a couple of days that she would get to meet Jesus soon and that her mom, dad and sisters would all be waiting for her. Not until those last few moments was I able to tell her I would be ok and that I knew it was time for her to talk and walk again. My moms passing was so beautiful, could not have asked for anything better. Don't second guess yourself, you are obviously a wonderful daughter who truly loves her mother. Do what is best for you now to help you get through this final journey with your mom. She will be with you everyday. Peace and comfort 🙏😎

Mom died Wednesday morning at 7:10 am. as she wanted to, in her own room, at home. My sister and I were standing over her. I had sat straight up, wide wake, at 5 a.m. and when I saw her coloring, I knew. I had sat up late, singing to my grandmother, Mom's mother, to come for her. I had whispered in my mother's ear reminding her of the wonderful dreams she used to have often, of flying, and how free that will feel again, to do it for real. She said it was like floating on a cloud, but with easy acceleration whenever and wherever she wanted to go.

As the morning dawned, I played the CD of my sister playing piano, and from YouTube some of the angelica choir from westminster abbey, and the sounds really did feel like heaven was opening, coming closer in the room. My sister came at 6:45am. We stood to get ready to change her, saw her exhale and then be quite still. We put our hands on her chest and waited. Her music was playing, and the birds were chirping through the open window, with her lace curtains lifting in the quiet breeze of a summer morning.

Some ancient part of me wanted to complete my dutiful care of her body, until that responsibility passed beyond me into the undertaker's care, so we cleaned her and put a fresh gown on her, sprinkling it with Frankincense, Orchid and Orange Blossom essences, then wrapped her -- I mean, her body, for she is flying freely now! -- in her favorite color -- pink -- a sheet with a pink rose print.

I will write more later. Even though it was expected, there is so much to do. And I want to do it while I feel her energy propelling me. I remember her in her 50's and 60's. She was SO strong and energetic. She could do anything! I've been watching Raymond Moody interviews on YouTube and find them so comforting. My next challenge will be to regain my own health, financial stability, and then to pursue my own dreams.

I really feel a great deal of love for the people on this forum. Thank you for all you have done for me. Bless you.

My deepest condolences... You are right, she is flying free now, free of pain, free of a tired worn body. Give yourself some time before you jump back into the world. It's been 3 weeks since my mom passed and it is still hard to digest it all. (((hugs)))

I'm so sorry for your loss, but I am inspired and grateful that you've shared your intimate feelings with us. You've shown how to provide those last efforts that reflect the love you feel for your mother, while enduring the heartache and sadness that accompanies death, how to bridge two worlds while leaving one and embracing the next.

Thank you for allowing us to be a part of your life.

My condolences to you and your family and I think it was wonderful that you were able to fulfill your mom's last wishes. Your mom will be with you to help you through the next few days. Praying for peace and comfort for you and your family. 😇

I never thought of this before her death. I only saw the thumbprint jewelry at the funeral home just now. It's a neat idea. I think I will make thumbprint jewelry for my grandchild while I'm yet alive! I can probably do some homemade craft version that will still hold up over time.I wonder if a thumbprint necklace from great-grandma will mean a lot to her over time, or whether it will be just one more "special thing" material possession, to keep track of, and to feel bad if she loses (story of my life!)?

I think reading the above post that you will do fine over the next few days, you are showing your sense of humor and have the right attitude. May I make a suggestion. View your mother before the funeral. My i laws purchased a beautiful long skirt and jacket for their mother. When my sisters in law went to see mom before the funeral, the director had the skirt up under her armpits because that is the way it was in the hanger! I laughed but not all saw the funny in it.

My condolences too Singingway. You managed to make the whole experience uplifting and peaceful. Take time for yourself now. God Bless.

Singingaway that was truly a wonderful death and you will forever treasure every memory of it.
I had not heard of thumbprint jewelery, I know some veterinarians offer paw prints for your animals. That would be a very nice keepsake. you could do it your self with plastic clay. blessings for you, your family and mother.