Spouse refuses to go to daycare facility. He needs to be with others rather than sitting in front of tv, and caregiver needs a break. Says he doesn’t want to be with people he doesn’t know. Any suggestions appreciated.
If you can work with the facility and get him a "job" to do. Ex: setting up a game, or watering the plants (even if they are fake), assisting a patient - helping them get from point A to point B, setting up for snack time. I know when my daddy was in his facility when he was given a task to do for the staff he was right there doing it and excited about doing it.
Yes I have known many people that had to use a therapeutic lie to get there loved ones to go to the adult daycare center, such as they want you to help them do this or that, or they want you to volunteer there. There was one couple I know that the wife told her husband that he was going to work there, and he was excited about it until he realized that he wasn't getting paid for his work. So the center starting giving this gentleman a $20 bill on Fridays and on Monday the wife would return it back to them. It worked like a charm. Another man who knew how to play the harmonica was told that he was needed to entertain the other folks with his music and he did and loved it. So get with the good folks at the center to get their ideas as they deal with this issue ALL the time.
What if he "tries" it for one morning per week. My mother has Lewy Body Dementia and I tried the 4-hour per week so I could get appointments done because I didn't want to leave her alone. The people were wonderful but you can't lie down at a facility but you can sit in a recliner. For my mother's situation the morning respite no longer worked.
On the other hand, my friend was at work and her 90 year old dad fell. He needed supervision. He was reluctant, now he calls it the "the Club" and loves it. It took time. It's hard, it's almost like saying, I don't like this school, I don't want to go".
Maybe baby steps. If your husband was in the War or service a place where there are a lot of men would be good. He can also get p/t, o/t, speech and RN on duty for blood pressure. I had this for my Mom. There was fee for the facility and then a co-pay for the therapies. One day they planted tomato plants, another day music. It's not like a Senior Center (we tried that too) but this is more "medical model".
Some offer transportation but in my case I drove mother to and from since the bathroom situation worries her. She attended from May thru October but then when flu season broke out I kept her home.
My mother said she did not want to return after the winter (last Spring 2023) so I didn't press the issue.
At the facility my mother attended many of them were non-responsive. There was a lunch table for those who could "speak". They found one another. I also didn't want my mother to backtrack and stop speaking. There were other chapters that were more "active" as the Dementia's have distant cousins but they are all related.
In my case, the facility was on the water. I would tell Mom when I dropped her off, "you always said you wanted a house on the water during the Summertime, this is the best I could do"! As you can see we haven't lost our sense of humor!
I took mine to the local bowling alley for an hour. He'd have a hot dog, watch bowlers in air conditioning. I try to take him once a week for an hour. Drop him off with some lunch money, run to the bank/post office, come back and pick him up. Better than him glued to boring TV and nodding out all day. Bonus if there's a pinball machine!
Thanks to all for your suggestions. We’re trying again this week. Was only going to start with one day but now think should at least do two. I’ve said it’s a senior center with lots of activities for our age group. If he will actually leave the house to go that’s half the battle.
I would say go with him for a few days. Ask if this can be done without u being charged. First day make sure you bring him into the conversations. Second day, start backing out. Tell him while he is talking to the people, you are going to run an errand. 3rd day stay maybe an hour hoping he engages on his own. When he does, slip out and tell the aide if he asks, you are running an errand or think you may have left something plugged in. Next day, just drop him off and give some excuse like be back later, have an appt.
I remember one OP saying she put her DH in 1 day a week but he was not adjusting. No, because it was only one time a week. By the time the next week had come along, he had forgotten. If u can afford 5x a week, do it. My Mom could only afford 3x. So I made it Mon, Wed, and Friday. A day in between for her to rest up. Of course, they are closed weekends. If the have bussing, work that in. Maybe start by saying he needs to use the bus because your not feeling well or don't have time to dress. My Mom did not like the bus and came home and told me I was taking her. I said no, ur riding the bus. The bus came at 8am. It was so nice getting a shower without worry about her. Then DH and I would find something to do till tge bus dropped her back at 3pm.
I treated Mom like she was a toddler going to nursery school the first time. I took her the first day. Took her in where the aide took over and guided her to a table with other people. Then I left. My DH was the one who would not leave. I had to drag him out telling him its just like leaving one of our girls.
You say the caregiver needs a break. Are you the caregiver or do you have hired help?
If you have hired help they can go with your husband to day care the first few times. I did this with a care client that I had. I worked full-time for her but she needed some actual socialization with other people and with elderly people her own age.
If you're the caregiver, hire a companion to take him out a couple times a week. That may be easier than trying to get him out to daycare.
I am his caregiver. I know he would not go with a stranger so best I take him. However he only feels secure if he’s around me. Thought being with others he could have coffee with, participate in activities etc. would be so good for him. First time there ok but second time he constantly looked for me. Maybe just takes time to adjust. It’s a great place with very compassionate staff. And they have support groups I would like to attend. But last time became very agitated and refused to leave house. So just not sure how I proceed.
Maybe make it sound like it’s something you want to do and would like him to come with you, instead of it being something you are doing for him. Try saying, “I really want to visit this place that has fun arts and crafts and other activities, and I would like to share it with you. Let’s go a couple days this week.”
Maybe if you make it sound like a fun outing that the two of you are doing together he will look at it differently and not feel like you are forcing him to go. If he still refuses I would tell him that you are going anyway and he is free to come if he changes his mind. And then go somewhere. Having you not there may make him nervous enough to agree to go with you.
Once he gets used to it you can send him on his own.
Is he still cognitively appropriate to make his own decisions? Or does he have deficits that make you the POA to make decisions for him? If you are the PCG , get help into the home, so that YOU can go out / away for a much needed break. That way he's at home where he wants to be and you, the PCG , are away getting a massage, pedicure, manicure,walking in park or mall, having lunch alone or with friend , attending event that interests you, going to a movie and sitting in a dark theater with Popcorn, going to your needed health care appointments, going to gym etc etc etc. Confer with his PCP, get referrals to homehealth and sign up for whatever and however many days and time the services can be provided for. Confer with a Social Services worker about options and get an updated " level of care needs" from PCP your husband so that you and an assigned social services worker can get the right help into the home. Ask his PCP for potential considerations associated with husbands health.
There was one couple I know that the wife told her husband that he was going to work there, and he was excited about it until he realized that he wasn't getting paid for his work. So the center starting giving this gentleman a $20 bill on Fridays and on Monday the wife would return it back to them. It worked like a charm.
Another man who knew how to play the harmonica was told that he was needed to entertain the other folks with his music and he did and loved it.
So get with the good folks at the center to get their ideas as they deal with this issue ALL the time.
What if he "tries" it for one morning per week. My mother has Lewy Body Dementia and I tried the 4-hour per week so I could get appointments done because I didn't want to leave her alone. The people were wonderful but you
can't lie down at a facility but you can sit in a recliner. For my mother's situation the morning respite no longer worked.
On the other hand, my friend was at work and her 90 year old dad fell. He needed supervision. He was reluctant, now he calls it the "the Club" and loves it. It took time. It's hard, it's almost like saying, I don't like this school, I don't want to go".
Maybe baby steps. If your husband was in the War or service a place where there are a lot of men would be good. He can also get p/t, o/t, speech and RN on duty for blood pressure. I had this for my Mom. There was fee for the facility and then a co-pay for the therapies. One day they planted tomato plants, another day music. It's not like a Senior Center (we tried that too) but this is more "medical model".
Some offer transportation but in my case I drove mother to and from since the bathroom situation worries her. She attended from May thru October but then when flu season broke out I kept her home.
My mother said she did not want to return after the winter (last Spring 2023) so I didn't press the issue.
At the facility my mother attended many of them were non-responsive. There was a lunch table for those who could "speak". They found one another. I also didn't want my mother to backtrack and stop speaking. There were other chapters that were more "active" as the Dementia's have distant cousins but they are all related.
In my case, the facility was on the water. I would tell Mom when I dropped her off, "you always said you wanted a house on the water during the Summertime, this is the best I could do"! As you can see we haven't lost our sense of humor!
Better than him glued to boring TV and nodding out all day.
Bonus if there's a pinball machine!
I love it your great!
Worked for a while for my MIL.
I remember one OP saying she put her DH in 1 day a week but he was not adjusting. No, because it was only one time a week. By the time the next week had come along, he had forgotten. If u can afford 5x a week, do it. My Mom could only afford 3x. So I made it Mon, Wed, and Friday. A day in between for her to rest up. Of course, they are closed weekends. If the have bussing, work that in. Maybe start by saying he needs to use the bus because your not feeling well or don't have time to dress. My Mom did not like the bus and came home and told me I was taking her. I said no, ur riding the bus. The bus came at 8am. It was so nice getting a shower without worry about her. Then DH and I would find something to do till tge bus dropped her back at 3pm.
I treated Mom like she was a toddler going to nursery school the first time. I took her the first day. Took her in where the aide took over and guided her to a table with other people. Then I left. My DH was the one who would not leave. I had to drag him out telling him its just like leaving one of our girls.
If you have hired help they can go with your husband to day care the first few times. I did this with a care client that I had. I worked full-time for her but she needed some actual socialization with other people and with elderly people her own age.
If you're the caregiver, hire a companion to take him out a couple times a week. That may be easier than trying to get him out to daycare.
Maybe if you make it sound like a fun outing that the two of you are doing together he will look at it differently and not feel like you are forcing him to go. If he still refuses I would tell him that you are going anyway and he is free to come if he changes his mind. And then go somewhere. Having you not there may make him nervous enough to agree to go with you.
Once he gets used to it you can send him on his own.
Confer with his PCP, get referrals to homehealth and sign up for whatever and however many days and time the services can be provided for. Confer with a Social Services worker about options and get an updated " level of care needs" from PCP your husband so that you and an assigned social services worker can get the right help into the home. Ask his PCP for potential considerations associated with husbands health.
See All Answers