Sole caregiver to my 80-something mum. Healthy but suffers from severe depression. Her modus operandi is to make everyone else around her miserable. As a result, she is constantly reminding me of everyone who has ever done her wrong and what they did. Over and over. She does not have dementia. She obsesses with people who have wronged her (not many have. she wasn't a defence lawyer or anything like that....). It's incessant. Non-stop, all the time. When I remind her that we promised she wouldn't talk like that, when I beg her to stop imposing her memories on me, she says this: "All I have is the past. If I can't talk about it there's nothing." She has a dog, she's healthy, she does not need to obsess negatively about people she'll never see again. Many are dead, for heaven's sake. But she can't let it go. By the time I leave spending time with her, I'm totally depressed too. If I fight back, because she's a severe depressive, she'll go to bed for 3 days until I learn my lesson. I love her but the incessant negative memories she insists on talking about are doing me in. I have no one else to share the tasks I do for my mum.
What she's doing is called rumination; there are antidepressants that specifically target this dysfunctional aspect of thought pattern.
Do you have access to a geriatric psychiatrist? Care giving for someone like this is soul-killing and can affect your mental health.
What worked for her 30 years ago may need changing.
Still, you don't have to listen more than a few seconds-stating I know Mom, that was hard on you, hugs, start another topic-you will become a master communicator.
It is an insult to keep repeating to her that everything is in the past. My friend cries that her adult children do that to her, and it feels like her concerns are discounted. If a person has PTSD, it can feel like those things are happening to her now. But she does get stuck, and caught up in the most distressing stories.
As an older person, it amazes me how much the younger generations repeat, almost like a mantra: "That is in the past, don't talk about it". Maybe I myself don't have any good stories, but many lives are rich, full, and interesting, we should listen occasionally.
Still, I understand, and sympathize that it makes you ill. That happens to me when I feel I must listen, again, and again.
Start with redirecting her to a few good memories in the past, then move the conversation to today, to now. Don't feel rude if you have to interrupt at first.....
Mom, Mom, Mom! Did I leave the kettle on? I was making us some tea. Or, are you hungry? Or, Here, drink this. Then start talking.
Hoping you feel heard and understood. Hope this has helped you.
I am sure others will come and give you better techniques and advice so that you don't have to suffer, or lose a relationship with your Mom.
It will help you to vent your concerns here. Just let it out more....then it will be in the past for you too. Each day brings enough frustrations anew, I'm sure.
Blessings,
Jamie
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