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Hello everyone,
I hope that everyone is doing well (as well as one can hope at least). A little summary in case it helps. I was living with my mother who developed Alzheimer’s, looked after her in her home until her doctor told her she needs to go into assisted living for her safety (such a great doctor since he wanted her to go while she was still with it enough to not only choose her place but adjust), I ended up having to basically trick her to move to the residence as she believed she was 100% fine. This of course filled me with guilt I still live with. Within 24hrs she was moved to memory care for her safety. It was a lovely, caring residence. She did adjust and being the amazingly caring and compassionate person she was she never held the move against me. Her Alzheimer’s was getting worse, she was becoming combative and would physically fight the caregivers who would try to clean her (she refused to clean herself even though she was completely incontinent and would sadly have stool all over herself and the washroom). I was advised that her monthly rent would be raised considerably due to needing more people to help clean her. This was quite stressful as this meant she would probably have to move to public care much sooner then planned. In November she tested positive for COVID, was hospitalized. Since I was the medical and financial POA I had to make all care decisions. In the end she sadly passed away and now I am trying to get all things organized and all government bodies notified of her passing etc.


For some reason I seem to be stuck on fight or flight mode after all of this. Anything that comes up in my life that would’ve been a little stressful or inconvenient now leave me nauseous, shaking, fearful etc.


I find that I can fall asleep for about an hour or so but am then awake so sleeping is an issue. Not easy to work all day with at best broken sleep. (I always wonder why about an hour or so before a person must get up do we find the most comfortable and perfect sleeping position and fall into a great deep sleep. )


Has anyone else had a similar response?
Is this normal to no longer be able to deal with things? My brother now jokingly (sort of) calls me paranoid and that I seem to unconsciously look for things to worry about so he doesn’t really take my concerns in life seriously.
will this constant fight or flight instant response go away?


I am doing talk therapy and due to lifelong migraines for the moment my doctor does not want to put me on any medications for depression or anxiety as they can cause worsening migraines (I tried some when caring for my mother and each time ended up with horrible migraines).


I have had to change all my phones ringtones since due to COVID when my mother was in the hospital the doctors would call me to update me and this of course was usually quite upsetting.


Sorry to ramble, I was just wondering if anyone else has gone through this? If so has it gotten better?


Is this normal?


Thank you in advance for all of your help, time and for reading this. It helps to feel heard (or feel seen).


Thank you all again for your help and feedback I do truly appreciate it.


Please all take care and stay safe.

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MTL1974, you're not alone. Many people are going through or have gone through what you are and come out on the other side of it. Myself included.
No one can go at full power handling everything from A to Z without help and be able to maintain that indefinitely for years at a time. We shut down at some point. The person who did everything will find themselves unable to do anything because they need a rest. I don't mean a good night's sleep or going for a day at the spa. A real rest with real time off.
People think it's not real and that it's no big deal to successfully manage all the responsibility of an elderly sick parent, a full-time job, and your own life without help. I've been told many times that it's no big deal and stop making unnecessary drama.
The only way I can describe it is to compare it to flying.
Picture a huge 747 jet full of passengers waiting to take off. What people are doing what on board to make that flight runs smooth and safe? A flight crew. The captain, the first officer, the flight attendants, and often a flight engineer (who's also a pilot themselves). Then on the ground there's mechanics and inspectors who maintain the aircraft keeping it safe for flight, and air-traffic controllers who look after it in the air. Now what if it was just up to the captain to fly the plane, do the navigation, attend to all the passengers on board, and keep up the maintenance? That plane wouldn't even be able to take off and if it did, would crash immediately. It works because everyone does something. Not just one person doing it all.
You're crashing now. Many of us have a delayed reaction to our experience. I did. The only way to get yourself right is with a long break and rest.
Can you take some time off from work? Like maybe go on temporary disability for a while? If you have kids will your brother help out with them and their needs for a while?
Going to therapy will help you with some of it. Meds will slow you down. They will not rest you though. Like the plane, you need a crew to help for a while. Talk to your doctor about temporary disability for a while so you can take some time off instead of having a nervous breakdown.
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cherokeegrrl54 Mar 2021
Amen!!! Excellent advice i hope OP will be able to take.
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Sounds like PTSD to me which I suffered from in 2000 after a bad trauma. Paxil changed my life and calmed down my overly sensitized body and mind immediately. I could finally remove the earplugs and hear noise without jumping 3 feet. I could finally sleep again and stop crying.

Tell your brother to cut the crap immediately. He can either develop some empathy for you or stop adding to your problems bc the last thing you need is someone close to you trivializing your pain or making fun of it, for crying out loud. How utterly insensitive. Now is the time to eliminate ALL the extra stress in your life, wherever it's coming from.

And time to find a doctor who understands how to treat a patient who suffers from migraines AND from PTSD or anxiety at the same time. It can be done. I take a low dose of Topomax for migraines and it works miraculously well.......have not had a migraine or an aura in years now, knock wood.

My condolences on your loss. And my best wishes for you to find an answer to your issues and resolve them quickly.
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Completely normal.

Think of what you've been through. Think how recent it all is. Think what you would say to any other person describing their own, similar situation.

You are not "no longer" able to deal with everyday life and its stress factors. You are temporarily unable to deal with them, given that you have taken a battering and will need time to recover.

And time will work, it will do its magic, but the process is gradual and it can be lengthy.

It sounds to me as if you are coping remarkably well. For example, you've identified at least one trigger - those ringtones - and have done something about it. You also have not lost your sense of humour, viz your excellent identification of deep and dreamless sleep, plus not whacking your brother round the ear. And you are seeking appropriate support that won't just exchange one problem - your sky-high cortisol levels - for another problem - migraines and potential dependency.

I assume you're already practising conscientious self-care? - diet, exercise, sleep hygiene, that kind of thing?
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I’m sorry about the loss of your mother. It sounds like you are really going through a lot. I lost my LO who had severe dementia and was in MC in November. While she had been on Hospice for 2 years, it was still very stressful and painful. I have used the services of the Hospice Bereavement Counselor ever since. She told me that most hospices provide bereavement counseling to anyone in the community who has lost a family member, free of charge, for 1 year after the death. I might check it out. The hospice team told me that that everyone grieves differently. Everyone is different in their reaction and how long it takes to process the loss. You need support and understanding.

I have had recurring dreams that my LO is still alive....I get a call that she is alive and she is there alive, but very ill and I keep saying this is a dream, I know she is dead, but it’s so real I have to pinch myself...and I wake up. I ALSO dream that I go to Assisted Living facilities and other deceased people are still alive. It’s quite bizarre.

With your migraines, I’d get a second opinion. Have you tried Botox injections? I’ve read they can be very effective as a treatment. I’d inquire about the options. As well as options for your anxiety.

I have faith that things will get better and that by summer I’ll be able to have her celebration of life gathering and focus on good memories.
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You have my very sincere sympathy. The following suggestions may be worth trying, or may not to be any good, but I’ve gone through them all. It starts from understanding that there is a range of meds that might help sleeping, besides the meds for depression and anxiety.

1) A high percentage of people get drowsy with anti-histamines. Here in OZ these are available OTC with names like Sleeprite and Restavit. They only work for 3 or 4 nights – the body gets accustomed to them – but they can help to break a cycle. And with luck they can give you at least one decent night’s sleep.

2) Tranquillisers are meds for relaxation – valium is the old one. They are different from depression, anxiety and actual sleeping tablets, and might not upset the migraine. They are highly addictive, I don’t take more than 3 nights in a row.

3) There are various things that can put you back to sleep after that first hour that comes naturally. Amazingly, even Tylenol will often work for me and also for my DH who also has migraine issues - I can't understand this, as it does nothing for actual pain. Getting up and reading for a while can break the cycle. Then go back to bed and think about the story you’ve just read. There are old prayer books designed for the midnight hour, between 2 sleeps. Masturbation can help too. Stroking helps my DH; we can’t work out if it’s blood flow, but it has worked better for morning migraine than 40 years of neuro specialists. DH hasn’t yet had the courage to tell to his GP about it!

4) I find that I can go back to sleep around 3am if I get an extra quilt layer. I don’t actually feel cold, but warmer seems to help. People are now talking about weighted coverlets, but I haven’t tried them.

5) I assume that you have brains, but be careful. Alcohol is one of the oldest medications the human race has ever known. It can send you to sleep, but too much wakes you up in the middle of the night. Try it, and watch yourself!

6) Time is of course the great healer. To let it work, you need to control your thoughts to avoid reliving all the bad things that have happened. I find that telling myself stories from books works better than counting sheep. (By the way, our farm runs sheep, and counting sheep is actually a pain in the neck - my advice is to stick to Mills and Boon)

Lots of love, Margaret
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Many churches and places of worship host grief support groups but don't advertise them. They aren't specifically for believers but the church or that religion, just physically hosts the meetings. You can search online or call the admin offices of the churches/synagogues. They are free and usually moderated by someone specifically trained in grief counseling.
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"...My brother now jokingly (sort of) calls me paranoid and that I seem to unconsciously look for things to worry about..." Your brother may be right. When my mother-in-law (MIL) was still alive, she developed a neurodegenerative illness. My father-in-law (FIL) started catastrophizing things and went in search of problems to solve so that he could "do something". For example, he bought boxes of catheters for her but the supply far exceeded what she needed. When we moved them to independent living, I found hundreds of catheters in his closet. He would also go to the store and buy gadgets especially the "As Seen on TV" ones because he may need to use one. But he couldn't deal with reality and my husband had to take over managing his parents' affairs because his dad had checked out. All that to say that your brother may have a point.

Not sleeping. Migraines. Your body is trying to tell you "take care of me now", which is normal after burning out from caregiving. Have you tried working with a registered dietician (RD)? Ask your doctor for a consult. A good RD will work with your doctor after getting results of your blood work and help you address any nutrient deficiencies and foods that trigger migraines. It's worth a shot.
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I believe that some funeral homes also have grief counseling, at least they did a few years ago.
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I have read this several times, but been unable to answer,, because I am currently in the grip of the same mode. I have always been the one in charge, get it done sort of person. Mom passed in early January,, we thought we had everything set up, and mostly we did.. but.. Once in awhile something comes in the mail that I JUST can't deal with anymore! And it dosen't have to be anything big.. just there. Currently I am having an issue with one of her investments.. I know I am the beneficiary.. but dealing with the "phone hell" and no local agents is almost beyond me at this point. I filled out the forms on line,, they are for "deceased owner" and today SHE got a letter in the mail asking if she authorized this?? Hubs is calling my investment guy tomorrow to see if he can help? I found the paperwork from when we did this when dad passed.., it was so simple then, and they have already paid my life insurance claim so I know they have the information! And we refinanced my truck .. seems the paperwork from the other bank ( that the new bank paid off) is lost in the mail.. they need the paperwork that says the original loan is paid off,, heck,, the NEW bank did that!.. Should they not know that? ( another call for hubs. he is a dear) I am just so stressed I am also not sleeping.. Like yourself I am in the medical field.. I can handle blood and guts,, but not this. Everything is like a punch in the gut.
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cherokeegrrl54 Mar 2021
Your last paragraph sounds like me!! Hope you can get some rest and respite soon. Glad you have a caring partner who helps you.....
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I would say you are dealing with stress. There is a lot of work to settling anybody's estate after he or she passes. Oh so many tasks to complete and it won't be completed for probably a year - when final property taxes are paid. here are a few suggestions:

1 - Good for you that you already are getting talk therapy. This should help you with the emotions of all you're dealing with. May I suggest joining a grief group like GriefShare. The members of the group are all grieving the loss of a loved one and are in different places of healing. They can identify with everything you are facing and can offer the best advice.

2 - Please talk to your doctor about seeing a sleep specialist. Since you are having difficulty falling (staying?) asleep, this doctor can prescribe medications to help you get more rest - especially in light of your other health issues. He/She can also recommend other techniques to try to help your body wind down at bedtime.

3 - Please look for a checklist of tasks to settle your mom's estate. Funeral/Mortuary services may have some. A lawyer who dealing with estates or family law can assist too (but you may have to pay them). Let this guide help you organize all the tasks you need to complete.
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