My Mom (93) is stubborn, type A personality and wheelchair bound refuses all activities besides Target. Any advice?

And the problem with going to Target every day is .... what, exactly?

Mom might be happier if were open and had a more positive attitude. She might be happier if she were 60 and still in charge of organizations. But you can't make either one of those things happen. And ultimately it is important to know that you are not responsible for Mom's happiness.

It sounds like you have ideas for giving Mom more stimulation and more variety in her life. She refuses your offers. You can only do what she'll allow you to do. Don't feel guilty or beat up on yourself.

My 94 yo mother is wheelchair bound. She makes one trip to Walmart a month, if the weather and her health cooperate. (She is a two-person transfer and outings are challenging.) She plays bingo and goes to live entertainment in the nursing home. She has one or more family visitors each day. She is content. Why? Not because any of us have discovered the caregiving key to making our mother happy! But because that is who our mother is and how she has always approached life.

You may simply have to accept that your mother is who she is. You can try to remove barriers to her happiness and to present opportunities to be happy, but you cannot make her happy.

Charlie, it sounds like your mother has comfort zones that she doesn't want to venture out of. Do her caregivers take her to Target or does family have to do this? I can see how it would be inconvenient. If caregivers knew it was part of their daily chores, they would understand and maybe enjoy getting out with your mother. Is her spending reasonable for her financial situation?

I wouldn't worry about getting her out to different places. It may just make both her and you miserable to try. As they get older, people tend to have comfort zones that get smaller and smaller. In many cases during late life, the zone become limited to the home. This is to be expected, even if it seems bad. I would say to encourage her to do things, but don't worry if she refuses. If she is safe, healthy as possible, and content it is the main thing.

You say she has macular degeneration and limited vision in the other eye. Well, she probably feels more comfortable in the same environment. Memory issues and limited vision doesn't add up to being adventuresome. I'd sure be pretty cranky if I had memory loss, vision loss and painful crippled hands.

You may as well get used to the idea that the mother you once knew is gone. In her place is this woman with all her issues. The caregivers should have training that will help your mother with her temper and limited abilities. Good luck.

I do accept my mother's aging, limitations, and increasingly reduced sphere...also know i can't make her happy...that is an intrinsic. She has no family living in her state, and though we have asked her to come with us so she could be near her large family, she refuses and says she has to take care of family heirlooms in her home...I understand and accept that, but being responsible for her care, and managing her overall safety and security from 2500 miles away is not easy. I fly out every 3 months for 2-4 weeks to spend close time with her, make adjustments, repairs, or handle any situations that arise...spend time with the caregivers and supporting them...then when home troubleshoot via phone, text, or emails...while maintaining nightly conversations with my mom. I love you so much...and know its my wishful thinking for her to have more positive stimulation, which could be beneficial for her mentally and emotionally (being around friends, and people...almost no one comes to visit or call her anymore...many of her friends have died, or have problems of their own)...I do realize it is her choice and there is nothing I can do to change that. The caregivers are excellent and know their jobs wonderfully...while I understand the concept of her being comfortable in her "target" shopping...we have had problems with excess spending, theft, and mismanagement of money in the past. Those issues have been resolved, but she tends to revert out of boredom to "spending to spend." Yes...careless expenditures are a concern when you need to ensure there's enough to cover all expenses (no long term care policy) for possibly a few years to come. We have relatives who have lived past 100. Maybe I'm just venting...and frustrated...I appreciate your input...and have heard it before and acknowledge its truths. Thanks

Ah, I see. The daily trip to Target is not so much the problem as the daily overspending. That could be a real problem.

How would she do with a daily allowance? If she wanted something that costs more than that amount, she'd have to save for a few days to be able to get it. Could that be presented as a kind of game?

It sounds as if you are doing an awesome job in very challenging circumstances.

Come back and vent any time. And if you come up with some strategies that work to give Mom more stimulation and reduce her boredom, please share. We learn from each other!

Why not let her do exactly what she wants, stop fighting, and start agreeing. If you can't do what you want at 93 when can you. I had this same problem with my 93 year old stage 4 Parkinson's Dad. When I just let go, and accepted that he was wise enough to control his own life, my nasty Dad turned back into the calm reasonable man he has always been. Keeping control of decisions that effect their life is paramount to them. When you let go, and let God, you start to enjoy your Mom again. I don't always agree with Dad; sometimes i think he is a damn fool, but it is his decision.

Letting go, learning patience, keeping my mouth shut, admitting I wasn't the smartest person in the room, was the hardest thing I have ever done.
I am doing this 24/7 caregiving because I love that man. He was a wonderful father, not perfect but I was loved. I had to ask myself, what good is keeping him home out of a nursing home, if he is miserable. I respect his automony, even if he is a stubborn fool. If your Mom doesn't have dementia, or very little, let her enjoy her life. Lay the burden down.

Charlie, like Blannie, we attempted to do what mom wanted, ie, stay at home. It didn't work FOR US. Mom's emergencies became a daily occurrence and I finally sat her down and told her this wasn't going to work. One of us was going to get killed in the snow trying to get to her, or my brother would have a heart attack from the stress of coordinating two households.

The only person whose behavior you can change is you. Make sure hat you take care of yourself.

You know what's hard...my mom has always been a social person...involved in every organization you could imagine...but IN CHARGE of them...since resigning...she has "nothing"...and no one comes to visit her. Her very strong, self-centered, and must be in control personality makes it difficult for even friends to want to be around. Like I said earlier...she chose in life to put her organizational work, positions, and travels above family. So being "alone" is not normal for her...I understand why...but it's still hard to see her world so small...sometimes due to her own doing.

One of my mother's friends who sounds very similar to your mom decided she was bored at home so she WANTED to move into the local upper class assisted living (she'd been a famous person's wife). She LOVED all the activities with people who were like her and who "knew who she was". Perhaps if the trips to Target stopped, you could manipulate the situation so that Mom would want to visit the best AL around her area, which has to be less than 200K a year (the wife's was cheaper than that).

Yes, you promised to keep her out of AL, but that was before the situation changed. Promises made without knowledge of the future situation are not something to keep for moral reasons. And I think Mom would be a lot happier. I know mine was.

Thank you for your thoughts and input...many of the suggestions we have addressed, implemented, or had to set aside. My mom refuses any consideration of assisted living, and we have agreed to honor her wishes. When care began we used private care contractors, but had to change to using an agency due to no one living in-state to monitor the care. THere was a lot of theft, and my mom had no idea. Costs for 24/7 in-home care with an agency runs $165,000/year...plus your normal personal costs...home repair, insurance, taxes, utilities, etc...food, clothing, RX's...the list goes on. For her, it consumes about $200,00 a year, which is about $20,000 more than the private contractors. No, she has not seen a psychiatrist, neurologist, etc...She refuses ANY doctor and has ALWAYS been very private about her health up until her hospitalization for goofing up her blood pressure meds, etc (herself). At this point, she will not sign HIPPA papers and maintains confidentiality unless I'm there to hear the doctor, or the caregivers can gather info. I am her POA, but under the law it is useless unless the person is compliant and is cooperative. I have talked to her attorney who verified this, and said that a "conservatorship" would be needed, but is very costly...and VERY difficult to get...especially because I do not live in-state...nor does ANY family member. A geriatric manager sounds nice...but then again, that's an additional cost we can not do...nor would my mom accept. Her memory, ability to problem-solve, analyze, or trouble shoot...is greatly diminished...to the point where she will repeat herself 3-4x in a 40 min conversation. Her world is small, and we try and give her the freedom to do what she wants...safely and securely...and wisely. I DO trust God, every day...to give me wisdom, patience, and foresight...and strength to walk the walk with my mom. Love drives everything. Yes, I have had to confront her from time to time when she is out of line...but in a very loving manner...remembering that she is my mom...and doing it in a way that maintains her dignity and self-respect. You are right...it IS hard and cost my family a lot...time, energy, emotions, and brain...as well as time we would be spending together. I realize that the time may be short, and I want to be there for her...and hopefully my kids will respect that.