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Both of my parents have been told by their doctors that they should not be driving. Dad continues to drive although I think he is beginning to realize that he needs to stop, he continues because my mother insists that he needs to keep driving. My mother argued with the doctor who did the MRI on her and gave her a dementia diagnosis that she CAN drive and she is FINE. The doctor ended up so frustrated with her that he stormed out of the room.



My dad has to navigate stairs to get in and out of the house. She refuses to put in a ramp for him to use with his walker and she refuses to pay a caregiver to come in a few days a week to drive them to appts and grocery store, etc. she wants neighbors to do all these things for them so she doesn’t have to pay for anything. My father has been her slave through whole marriage and never goes against her. She throws fits and screams at him. This is her way for as far back as I can remember. I live about 5 hours away and cannot go there every weekend. I have offered to have them live in an apartment attached to my house. She said she would rather die than live with me and has accused me of stealing from her. My only sibling, my brother died from COVID last year so it’s just me and she has always been threatened by me because I’m close to my dad, well, as close as I can be because she does not like me around him. It’s like she jealous that he might show me some affection that is due to her.



My dad is currently sharp mentally and he handles the finances. She cannot write checks or pay bills but she is able use her credit card. Everything they own is jointly. She will not allow me to be on any of their bank accounts. So if anything happens to my dad I have no idea how I will pay their bills or take care of her. He is becoming increasingly depressed. Sorry for the long post but I need help with:


1. How can I ensure their safety while living at home, if she refuses to let me put a ramp in for my dad?


2. Should I call social services in to do a home inspection?


3. Should I take their keys away? Or contact the DMV and have their driving privileges suspeneded?


4. My dad is becoming more and more fragile physically and depressed mentally. If he takes a fall or can’t take care of their bills how do I take over their paying their bills? He wants me over their estate, which is very small but she will not allow me on anything.


I have no idea how to help them????

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Your parents chose the disaster plan. So did mine. No one will be happy with the outcome but that is the plan that is chosen. My dad just got home from rehab and I tried to get them to get caregivers to help in the AM with stretches and exercises to strengthen the knee. They will not pay for anything. They have money but Moms in charge and won’t spend a dime. She has some sort of personality disorder. I have given up trying to figure out exactly which one. Anyway all this has been very stressful. So because I have no control over any of it i am working on just letting it all go. I help when I can (I live 4hrs away and have my own health issues) but I’m just not going to get upset about it anymore. Honestly I think the only person you can help in this scenario is yourself. Boundaries are important. When the disaster happens just do your best and deal with things as they come.
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StrugglingKat Oct 2022
Thank you for your response. I’m beginning to see the wisdom in your words. I have never been able to change anything with them and I don’t think I can do anything right now except line up what I can and wait for the inevitable.
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When you are raised by a narcissistic/borderline mother who also abuses your father you naturally consider him to be a victim, under her control, the way you were as a child. For whatever reasons your dad chose your mom when he was an adult man, and continued to choose to stay with her every single day since then. Men leave wives and children for no discernable reason every day, but yours has chosen to stay. It's awful but it may ultimately help you when you realize he is where he chose to be.

When there's an undeniable disaster you can make the best choices available for both of them, but I wish you as much peace as you can have between now and then.
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StrugglingKat Oct 2022
Thank you so much. Its so true he has chosen to allow her behaviors for over 60 years and I'm not going to change anything now. So frustrated but you are so right!
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The reality is your mother is killing your dad. More than likely he will die before her. When that happens do not move this woman into your home. Sorry you have to watch this train wreck and not be able to stop what is coming.
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"My mother argued with the doctor who did the MRI on her and gave her a dementia diagnosis that she CAN drive and she is FINE. The doctor ended up so frustrated with her that he stormed out of the room."

Sounds like the way my mother was. If she didn't like what a doctor said, then they were stupid!

"I have offered to have them live in an apartment attached to my house. She said she would rather die than live with me and has accused me of stealing from her."

NO. Do not do this. My mother gave a little laugh at one point and said that she could never live with me. It never came up again, although at one point the brother who did the least/visited the least told me that he thought she really DID expect me to either move in with her (most likely) or live in my house. She also thought I was trying to steal from her.
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StrugglingKat Oct 2022
How did you handle things? Is sounds like she has passed away. How did things end up? We’re you able to do anything to help?
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Mom is in the driver's seat. Dad has chosen the passenger seat - it's worked for them for decades.

Unless Dad decides to take the wheel (by force, trickery or is forced to eg if Mom was to be hospitalised) I cannot imagine this will change. Yet. Until something forces change.

If you cannot prevent the 'crash', I suppose be ready. Have the emergency numbers ready to call & have a rough plan sketched out.

- If either is in imminent danger, call EMS.
- If serious neglect/self-neglect is suspected, report to APS.
- Consider calling/writing to their local Doctor to raise your concerns. This may not lead anywhere, but you never know..
- Encourage Dad to speak to his Doctor alone. That this is OK & a way to help them both.
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The power in this lies with your father. But you’re up against a long history of him being bullied by her. Arrange a time to meet with your dad alone away from the house, don’t tell him what it’s about so he can’t tell mom. Have an honest conversation about what’s needed and ask him to make decisions on the spot. Mom can’t make reliable decisions anymore with a dementia diagnosis, even one she chooses not to believe. Ask dad to go with you to meet with an elder care attorney to get needed documents in place, he needs a will and POA for healthcare and finances. He needs to go to the bank with you and add you to his accounts, this was a huge help to me when my dad did this with me, saved me much grief years later. Ask him to let you arrange a ramp to be installed and whatever else. Discuss the driving issue. Tell him mom having a credit card needs to stop. If dad refuses to decide anything tell him you’ll not help and know you’re joining many here who are “waiting for the event” (which means an event that definitely will happened that forces change, no fun to wait for but will come one day) His refusal to do anything is when you call Adult Protective Services and report the situation. I’m sorry you’re in this place, it’s so very hard, hopefully dad will see that he can make decisions and changes in the best interests of both himself and his wife
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StrugglingKat Oct 2022
Thank you so much for your answer. She literally never leaves his side and if he talks to me on the phone she grabs the phone and puts it on speaker. If he doesn’t allow that she screams at him abusively for hours. But he has managed to tell me that he wants to live with me, wants me to handle everything but he will not pull the trigger. He just says we are going to handle all of this later. I’m begging to see from reading on this forum that I can’t do anything until there is a crisis. So exhausting.
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CTTN55

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I’m glad you are on a path of healing. I have always known my mother is not capable of loving me in the same way I love my children. I am trying to be compassionate because I know she has a personality disorder and dementia but it is very challenging!
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I would not get APS involved just yet. Dad needs to cancel his credit card. If he really needs one, he can get one for himself without her knowledge. If they are both on the card, he is responsible for her debt even after death. Not so if she is the only one on the card. The Doctor should notify DMV that he feels his patient should not be driving. IMO its his responsibility. She should get a letter from DMV asking that she hand in her license.

The stress of caring for Mom is not helping your Dad. Its going to get to the point he can't care for her and she will need placement. This is where APS can help him get her placed. Then he needs to see an elder lawyer to have their assets split. Her split going to her care and when gone, apply for Medicaid. He remains in the home. If he choses to sell, it needs to be at Market Value. Splitting the proceeds with Mom that goes towards her care.

I would look into some meds for Mom.
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StrugglingKat Oct 2022
I agree with all you have said. Sadly my father would never be brave enough to cancel her card or do anything without her consent or knowledge, even with her dementia. Her brother is going to have her license revoked. So hopefully she won’t kill anyone before we can get this resolved. He would never be bold enough to split there assets but I am going to speak with an attorney.
As to meds, she has been prescribed meds but refuses to take them. People with NPD are terrified of losing control. But as one other poster mentioned I’m trying to stop seeing my dad as a victim. He chose this plan. Just going to do what I can to help. And stop trying to rescue him. I have tried that all my life. It never works. 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️
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You don’t say how old your parents are so I’m curious. In my state, doctors do not determine driving status. What I had to do was contact the state DMV with my concerns and ask for a driver’s evaluation. She did not know WHO requested the evaluation, just that someone did. My mother had to go and show some physical and mental abilities related to driving. I was also asked questions about my perception of her abilities and safety. She did not progress to the actual driving part of the evaluation because her reasoning abilities (and ability to multi-task) were not good. She was furious with me (just the messenger) and pitched a two-year old foot stomping fit. I explained that this was not my decision, I was simply her driver for the day. I told her she could wallow in her frustration or get over it and deal, but that I could not do anything about the results of the evaluation. It took a while, but she got past it. She was 92 and probably shouldn’t have been driving for the 4-5 years before this. It was hard for me and for her, but it had to be done.
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I am walking the same path. I have a NPD mother who is 85 yrs old. My father just recently passed, he had a heard issue and parkinsons. He was her dedicated servant and driver. Her medical conditions always took priority, When he declined, he was placed in rehab nursing home, but she couldn't stand that he was getting care and made him leave the homes, 3 or 4 times. Hospital had offered to give him physical therapy at home and they refused. Hospital offered a day nurse, they refused. He was driving and he had a suspended license from not paying his car insurance and registration. Someone called DMV and APS came a knocking. They refused to let them in and take any offer of help. So APS wrote it off. When he was at the end, I went every other day to see him and she wouldn't go for some excuse or the other. Now he's gone. There were no prepaid funeral arrangements, he hadn't pay utility bills, they had blown through most of their money. Taxes were not paid for 2 years. I cleaned it all up and paid for the funeral with my brother. I took over the bank account and started getting her back on track and then she wanted to take over. She is not computer literate, so she calls me all the time to find out stuff. Yet she will not give me the password for the account. There are all sorts of bells and whistles going off, yet she digs in. Dangling the power of attorney like a carrot over my head...only to say she is not ready yet. She has severe COPD and lives on an O2 tank as well as too weak to walk far. I am at my end... I find I have to take breaks and I feel some guilt on that.
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