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My husband is angry several times a day and I try my best to stay calm. No one else in the family wants to deal with him. He is occasionally incontinent at night and gives me a hard time about wearing pull ups to bed. He insist that he doesn't have the problem. Does anyone have any suggestions? I'm at the end of my rope with him.

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My solution would be to find a home that can deal with his behaviours. you are doing yourself no favours trying to manage this on your own. He will be mad but in the end it is the kindest thing to do.
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Get a copy of Take My Father, Please" by Jacqueline Marcell. Her father had similar issues and she describes the help she got. And there is a lot of other useful information in the book. It has helped me deal with my mother's ongoing volatile behavior Very stressful for you, I know.
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I have a similar problem. Bi polar husband with several serious health problems. Especially volital on days when I am very tired or not feeling well. He gets upset when I cannot get to him immediately. Very frustrating. After a recent hospitalization we discovered that none of the local nursing facilities would take him because his needs are so varied. But this is not about me, just trying to help you cope with the idea that there are no sure, easy answers. I find that if I can manage to stay calm and speak softly it does help to calm him. Sometimes soft music helps or a comedy on TV. I know it is difficult. Take care of yourself also!!
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After my husband had meningitis he was so angry and was having numerous anger outbutst a day and usually at me, not alwau though. He could have a tantrum because a shoe wouldn't go on easily. But the majority were at me. The dr put him on an antidepressant and it helped but didn't completely solve the problem so he added another one. It turned my husband into a big teddy bear. He is happier and I am too. That was in 1985. He has been reduced to just one now and does fine.
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Yes, I have similar issues with my husband, and the best we can do is wait until the anger subsides and forget it happened. You are not the one with dementia and thank God he has you to care for him.
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My husband has Alz and was angry and yelled all the time I was a nervous wreck
Doctor put him on celexa and Ativan what a difference he is now happy most of the time says please and thank you and tells me he loves me all the time
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I do a lot of care professionally for patients with Alzheimer's and dementia.Here is what I would advise:

Call the Alzheimer's Association in your area. Ask for a counselor and tell this person what is happening. These counselors are available 24/7. This person will give you strategies to use in communicating with your husband.

This help is worth its weight in gold. Best of luck to you. You are doing the hardest job that exists today in our society.
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Alzheimer's patients experience a lot of anger, fear, panic etc. stubbornness even violent outbursts are common. You need to discuss it with the dr so he can put him on the proper medication for it. It may be time to look into finding a home that can deal with all of this so you can save your strength for loving and supporting him through all that is ahead. This disease really sucks. You can't do it all alone.
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I might add I will not drug my husband since side effects could cause him to be dizzy and lose his balance, and then he would fall which would be even more dangerous. Drugs only help the caregiver, in my opinion.
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mema66....oh I feel your pain.....I got yelled at again last night and a bowl of hot soup poured down my leg and thrown of the floor in a tantrum...then same issue and she didn't want to shower though she needed it from soiling herself which she says she doesn't do! Was able to get her all showered, shampooed freshly lotioned up and off to bed....finally.... I have an idea let's put them together and they can yell at each other and see how each other likes it!!!!! We will go on an island vacation for a week! Then we can climb back up our ropes and start over again......to all of you I am just kidding.......sometimes we need humor here.....all the above advise was great! Just BREATHE...........one day at a time....
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I agree with ferris 1. My husband was on drugs and he kept on falling and was very weak. I took all the drugs away and he became much stronger again. Walk with his walking aid all around the house. The only thing is that he is very restless again, but I prefer him being like that than being sleepy and weak and falling all the time. Just now he might break a hip or something else.
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Why are you trying to handle him by yourself? You will burn out. Look at SNH's or AL's.
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What is SNH ---- AL ?
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SNH=Skilled Nursing Home, AL= Assisted Living. Sorry, many people have used these acronyms so I thought everyone was familiar with them.
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Thanks, llamalover. (and I know llamas don't have top teeth. Learned on a rail they were cribbing on - tee, hee)
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You're welcome, Cheyenne. (I happen to like Llamas, thus my tag name).
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Letting someone be anxious and fearful all the time is not humane. Sometimes drugs are necessary and you just have to find a median between the behavior and the side effects. You can't just let your husband beat you up just becasue he has dementia. Also, when a patient in a nursing facility is violent and hits the aids and nurses they will either have to be medicated or be removed. As I said, this disease sucks and I think it's just a hard on the family as it is on the patient. It's a balancing act.
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Benita there are so many kinds of drugs. The old antidepressants did use to be very sedative but the newer ones are not. I would explain to the dr what is needed and it isn't sedation.
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Fortunately I've not experienced violence so I can't speak to that issue, however in my late mother's nursing home there's a man we'll call Jack. Jack is a huge man, a former heavyweight boxer, who has parkinsons and his mind is gone. The staff are amazing and coax and cajole him into co-operating but he has injured a few of them by grabbing and, with hands like meat hooks, he often makes fists at them.

He's really a big teddy bear but, with his mind gone, he often relives his days as a fighter and, frankly, he's dangerous to both staff and other residents. Restraining isn't allowed here in Canada but in time he will have to move to a facility where they can handle him. He's such a sweet man in himself. It's sad.
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I had a very similar problem with an elderly friend of mine. I'm in my particular situation, I was able to walk away. Another thing I was able to do in my particular situation is to call the APS and even a word agency where his home healthcare was coming from. Another thing I was able to do when I found out he was abusing his medications including his albuterol is to alert the ER of what he told me. They were then able to take certain precautions. Anytime my friend got crazy, all I did was just leave. In the case of a spouse though, it may not be so easy. However, what you may want to do is go for guardianship and get him put into some kind of facility that will take him. There are facilities out there with special accommodations. From what you described, it sounds to me like you may already be in danger, because dementia and Alzheimer's tends to worsen. Patients with Alzheimer's tend to become violent at some point or another. You just can't handle this by yourself, you definitely need help from trained professionals. When someone gets to the stage violence, the last thing you need is to be alone with that patient because they can actually hurts you pretty bad if you're in the wrong place at the wrong time. You definitely need to have this person put into a facility, and doing that will require serious research on your part. You may not be able to find that facility locally if you've already found that all of your local facilities aren't equipped to deal with him. This is when you may have to look further away from home for the help he needs before he puts you in the hospital or worse.
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Get him into an AL or NH asap! You are not going to be any good to him when you burn out!
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I don't agree that drugs only help the caregiver. My friend sometimes becomes anxious and shaky and he looks so miserable. After a tiny amount of Zanax (half of the lowest dose) he calms down, smiles and eats well.
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