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My mother, 87, is in a NH with Parkinsons, dementia, broke a hip a few months ago, had a stroke a few weeks ago and is in a wheelchair. Prior to the broken hip I'd take her out from time to time but gradually we couldn't go far as she'd get nauseous. She really wants to come see my new house, 10 minutes away, if only from the outside and a drive around my back 40. Three weeks ago I asked the doctor if she was strong enough to come for that short drive and was told she wasn't so I'm taking a lot of pictures to show her on my laptop computer.

Yesterday I got a call from the NH that my mother is interested on going on a bus trip to WalMart. As a life long shopaholic of course she's interested. The WalMart is a 45 minute drive each way and they seem to expect me to travel on the bus with her. From past experience (and she's deteriorated terribly since I last took her out) no way! If I have no other option I'll follow the bus, ready to take her off it and back to the NH as soon as she starts crying, vomiting and demanding that the bus stop.

If she's not strong enough to take a 10 minute drive how can she be strong enough to take a 45 minute drive? I told them to have the doctor confirm she's strong enough to take the trip. I refuse to be the bad guy here. Hopefully they won't cave in if she can pull herself together for a few minutes and presents well as she's a narcissist and a great actress.

I'll be there today to take her apple juice, chocolate and strawberries from my garden. If she's lucid enough she'll likely go on and on about it but I'm standing my ground - it's the doctor's decision. It's going to be warm today and I'll have my dogs in the truck (on the way home from a dog park) so it will be a very short visit. Hopefully I can get out of there without a huge fight.

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My mother called me this afternoon to say she was going on the bus trip tomorrow and needed a credit card. I called the desk to learn that the trip (if she can go) is 2 weeks away. God give me strength. My mother has been the mother from hell my whole life. She knocked me about when I was 5 and put me in hospital. I still have the scars and it never got any better after that. She was a narcissist and hell bent on having a good time. My father was a total enabler and pushed me away as well.

Out of duty only (stupid me) I gave up my nice home and career to live in her cold gloomy basement for 4 years, housebound at her beck and call. She went into the NH because she needed care 24/7 but I'm still not, at 64, free. If she won't die she'll have to get out of my life once and for all.

The NH wants to schedule an annual meeting with her and me, where I guess we all make nice warm noises until next year. That's not happening. I will meet with them alone and tell them the way it is. They can meet with her if they wish and listen to her ramble and hallucinate.

It's 10 p.m. and I needed a good cry but, even with a little wine, I can't. I guess you learn from a young age living with a mother from hell to supress everything.
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Sorry this is your situation. I'd keep telling her the doctor said she wasn't well/strong enough for travel. Stress that it is the doctor's decision, not yours. Let her blame him.
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Sonswife no I doubt she'll improve enough. They do this bus trip periodically and we discussed it long before the broken hip, stroke and increased dementia. Even then she was afraid to go in case she got sick. With me driving she could be taken back quickly, on demand, but she knew the bus certainly wasn't going to do that. All her life everything's been about her and she's terrified of any situation where people aren't going to jump the minute she snaps her fingers.
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Sounds like you are doing a great job keeping her connected to the things she loves, in a way that accommodates her limitations. As far as traveling right now, you are correct, it is the doctor's decision. Let him be the bad guy. Any chance that she will recover sufficiently to make the trip in the future? If so, hold out that hope (although chances are slim) that she may be able to participate in the trip in the future.
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