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Mom, 93, has dementia and living in ALF. Brother, 55, has been thorn in our sides nearly his entire life. He barely dodged prison and seems to be clean now from a long-term heroin addiction, is underemployed. He manipulates everyone, especially Mom, always about money. Strong and smart dad who stood up to him and ruled the roost, passed away and put me in charge; I have DPOA and have control of finances, thank God. I have done everything I can to protect her assets according to the trust. But she will not be denied helping her precious baby boy (she refers to him like he's a child). Because of several instances where she's lost money, I keep her supplied with $60 for her wallet, more than she needs living in ALF. Now she's nastily demanding, daily, that I give her many hundreds of dollars so she "can feel comfortable". Sis and I know this is all about bro, so she can shower him with all the money she wants to, at any time. Mom has a long history of enabling him which is just what he DOESN'T need, he needs to finally stand on his own, and get a real job. I have been forced to give him rent money etc just to keep him off Mom's back and arousing her intense anxiety about his welfare. But she wants to give him far more than what I give him. She loves him so much more than she loves me and Sis, who do all the caregiving and watch out for her welfare, and she lures him to visit with the promise of money. I feel I'm in a balancing act between keeping him satisfied enough that he doesn't dump his problems on Mom and cause her terrible anxiety, and keeping her satisfied enough so she doesn't cause me sleepless nts. My brother has been a huge problem especially since Dad died that I even hired an Elder Care lawyer to advise me. But this new large money demand from Mom is stumping me. Anyone have this issue and have found a happy medium? There is no reasoning with Mom, and her anger is driving a wedge between us, and I'm her primary caregiver.

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I can tell you are hurt by your mom's apparent favoritism of your brother. (I also can empathize with the situation of having a sibling who never gets their act together.) That said, it's your mom's money and to the degree that she doesn't impoverish herself, she should be allowed to 'help your brother out'. Of course you know that she's enabling and that it's no help at all, but he is her child. Depending upon your mom's cognitive state, could you have a discussion with her about your brother's long term situation? If you're able to be objective about it – I'm not saying that to be critical of you, I'm just recognizing that would be VERY difficult to set aside decades of pain your brother has inflicted on your family – you might talk to mom about setting up your brother's inheritance now in a way that will provide for him when she's gone (a trust or annuity that he can't plunder, but that will give him a monthly check, even if it's only a small amount). I'm sure part of the reason she's such an easy touch for him is that she's worried about his prospects for the future (and likely always has been). You and your sister have probably always been a source of pride and comfort for her while he is a source of anxiety.
Making some decisions now might also protect you and your sister from your brother's mooching once mom is gone. He would surely run right through his inheritance and then, eventually, your phone would ring. My friend has a brother who was a similar sponge on their mom. Though he and she hadn't spoken for years, he didn't hesitate to harass her for money once his inheritance was gone.
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Isn'tEasy's suggestion I disagree with. Our situations may be different though. My parent has Alzheimer's and has been declared incompetent, to remove me as her POA, my sibling would have to prove I wasn't acting in my parents best interest. Giving the brother his inheritance early could put their mother in a position of outliving her finances. There should be no inheritance until a parent has passed away. POA doesn't act if the parent is capable of making their own decisions. In my opinion, the POA, in this instance would not be fulfilling their duty if they allow the parent to give money to the manipulative brother resulting in the parent outliving their resources.

My advice, this brother will be a thorn in your side until you are 6 foot under,
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I wasn't finished :-)
Isnteasy has set up a good system giving her mother $60 to spend as she sees fit. I think that she should try her best to stick with that; be pleasant but be a broken record and whenever the mom wants more money, just remind her that she can give as much of the $60 to the brother as she wants to, but "That is all that's available". I say, no more details. Just repeat "That's all that is available". Assure her that you are making sure her expenses are taken care of, but $60 is ... "all that is available". It often pays to have a trusted professional from the bank, lawyers office, or a friend of hers get your back on that.
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In response to IsntEasy's remarks, I shd clarify. Bro has been set up with a generous "annuity" via the Trust after Mom passes, he will be unable to access any principal. It's cast in stone, legally. So the cash he's getting now is chipping away at my and Sis's inheritance and Mom's living expenses. Rich, eh? I think he's clever enough to realize that. Thank you all for your viewpoints and suggestions. I like "that's all that is available." Similar to what I've tried to explain to her. With dementia I find that simplicity works best. Pointing out that she's blowing thru her money and may have to move to a new place that isn't so pleasant if the money doesn't last, another good one. And I do think I'd better spend less time with Mom, for my own sanity. Thank you all!
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Beecky I think that is wise why put yourseld through so much misery -the older I get the more I get it to try to take care of me-after a while it becomes easier to push negative people away we can not change them only how we react to them-instead of crying with my mothers' firey arrows I am practing the face she has been giving me since I was born she simply does not like it is what it is. You take care of you ok.
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All caregivers be forwarned, especially POA, you have to be able to accept being hated by all of your family and friends of the family. Everyone will second guess every decision you make. You have to be strong willed and know in your heart that the decision you made is the right one and don't waiver. Guilt will eat you alive so make well informed decisions and use critical thinking to make those decisions............be firm with you charge. You are making decisions based on the incompetency of the individual you are caring for.........
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I have eleven years dealing with a controlling and manipulative mother and sister. The most important lesson I have learned is don't compromise your integrity for family members. Do the right thing, your heart will guide you if you think the process and senarios through thoroughly. Don't waiver, be firm but respectful. Above all don't feel guilty and learn to take the criticism with a grain of salt, after all people throwing stones at a glass house haven't walked in your shoes and no nothing about caregiving for the person you are charged with making decisions for...............
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I'm just wondering, if your mom has dementia, can't she somehow be declared incompetent? Maybe you need to talk to a lawyer. I'm POA for my dad and, mentally, he's fine. However, my mom's dementia is bad enough that her decision making skills are definitely compromised. I think you need some professional help.
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OMG you sound just like me!!! I have the exact same maniplative, underemployed brother who only calls and wants to see my mom to get money from her. He lost his wife and kids due to infidelity and his drinking. His life also fell apart after my dads death. My dad also was a big influence on my brother and was the only one who could set him straight. I think my brother is narcissistic and totally uses my mother to get money. My mom is 86 and has alzheimers and lives with my husband and me. My husband doesn't allow my brother in my home because he knows he just wants money from her. I finally had to seperate myself and not let his poison get in my life. I have POA for my mom and control her money, but she also ask me the same thing every wee. She wants me to give her $300 per week from her account. She wants to have money available to give to him if she see him. Luck for me, she onlt see him when I take her to see him. All I can tell you is that just give her a few dollars to keep her happy and maybe tell her she is running out of money and you need it for her care. I have learned to just stay away from my brother and not make him a part of my life. it is so hard when your mom will always love her son. You can't blame her but do your best to just give her enough money to keep her happy and tell her she is running out. If someone is upsetting you the best thing to do is DETACH from the situation. It is hard cause it is your flesh and blood. I hope this helps Good luck!
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Thank you Knownunknowns. I think we all realize this at some point, but it can feel like we just tell ourselves this to ease a "guilty" conscience. It is good to hear from someone else. It's so true.
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