Stop calling me a hero and tell me to take care of myself.

This post is 2 months old. The OP responded only the day she posted and has not returned. First and only post.

Birch, As as 84 year old "angel/heroine," I have had the same experience as you. Although I dont have the kind of responsibilities you have, I do have the burdens of my age and some chronic health issues. I am the sole caregiver to my soon-to-be 101 year old husband. I have no children, siblings, nieces, or nephews, and one cousin who only shows up if I invite her to a party. My husband's niece would help if she didn't live in the other end of the country. Some friends occasionally help, but it's kind of hit or miss.
My stepdaughters are totally useless! One lives in the South, and occasionally pops in when she is in the East visiting. She doesn't even stay with us, as she might have to do something for us or get involved in the sadness and problems we face. Her usual contribution to our lives is to send chocolate bars, pictures of the animals from the animal shelter she volunteers at, and to tell me what an angel I am. I have discussed some concrete help from her, but a change in the subject was all that was forthcoming.
Her sister -even worse- lives an hour and a half away and never calls or visits. We literally havent even had a phone call from her in a year. When I said that all I was asking was for her to keep in contact with her father, she told me he should read more (he has visual problems), and watch tv more (he has hearing problems, too). Her husband followed up with a 2 page email (probably dictated by her) telling me I had a lot of nerve to make his wife feel guilty, and that my husband (who has bailed out this daughter on more than one occasion with large sums of money and given her emotional support when she really needed it) was a bad father. After this, I have written all of them off emotionally and barely even think about them.

At my advanced age, I have become cynical and/or realistic, and have learned to live without a lot of expectations. I know that primarily I have to rely on myself. I joke about all the new skills I have learned --nursing, short-order cooking, tax accounting, plumbing, and on and on and on. Luckily we have the means to pay for part-time help.So between myself and paying for help, we manage. Still it's not easy, and each day has it's own problems and difficulties. But living without the expectation that there are people I can rely on in any ongoing way saves a lot of hurt and disappointment, which would only add to the stress of caregiving.

I know others have suggested you ask for help. You can't lose anything by doing so. And maybe someone will pitch in, even if only occasionally. But remember, You can lead a horse to water, etc. And talk is cheap! Try to make peace with the reality of "the talkers."

And as for stopping their commentary, I would say something like, "It's my choice to take care of my mom. I think it's the right thing to do, and so I'm not comfortable being called a hero. But I won't deny that it's really hard and I could certainly use some help. So if there's anything you could do, I would greatly appreciate it." If most of them don't disappear forever, (LOL) they will change their tune. Good Luck!!!

What I don’t understand are the situations where the caregiver is overwhelmed, there are resources available and yet we are talking about someone coming over for a few hours or a day so the caregiver can do a few errands or go to the doctor themselves, etc. Big freaking deal! These respite ideas are like throwing some food and water good for a few days to someone in a small lifeboat in the middle of the ocean and then sailing away, maybe to return in a few months, if ever. Certainly there are those with limited options but even then our society has some safety nets, not great but something. If you want to be a martyr or let yourself be a victim then go ahead.

A few questions for you.
1. Have you asked for help?
2. Have you declined help when it was offered because..
you can do it faster...
they won't know how it is supposed to be done...
And any other reason
3. Have you researched for programs that might help.
4. Have you not hired caregivers because..
See all reasons listed above and..
I don't want strangers in the house..
Mom won't want strangers helping her
It would take to long to train someone
No one can care for mom like I can.
5. Have you thought about placing mom in a facility that can meet her level of care.

If your plate is overflowing it is up to you to make the changes you need to make.

Birch, with regards to calling local agencies:

There are services that are "means tested" and services that are not.

You should be able to get a "needs assessment" from your local Area Agency on Aging. If you need help finding out who that is, we can assist.

Once you've identified the needs, you analyze the resources. What are mom's assets and income stream? Where are they being utilized?

Sometimes, the price tag for a good facility looks daunting, but once you look at what money ISN'T being spent on maintaining a home, it can be LESS expensive.

Your plate is overflowing! Something has to give. Your husband and family come first. And your job. Your mom is up there in the rankings but you do not have the time or energy to continue caring for her. Nobody else is going to step up to help. - this happens all the time.

Time to move into a new part of your caregiving journey for your mom. You should either find caregivers to take over what you are doing or place her in an appropriate facility.

You can't stop the annoying comments from family about you being a hero unless you stop talking to them. Have a written statement ready for next time they say it. And you know they will. Don't get mad. Be honest and give them something to think about. "Actually I am not a hero. I am barely keeping my head above water. I am very stressed out and have way too much on my plate. In light of this, I am hiring caregivers to help me take care of my mother's needs." Then make an excuse to get off the phone.

I wanted to focus on your sleep. What would you have to do to get 8-9 hours of sleep a night? What would happen to your mother if you had a stroke?

It’s very difficult to be a caregiver without any help, especially if you have been doing this for a long time on your own.

I would tell your family that you know that you are on your own in this situation and to please stop calling you a hero because you don’t find it complementary.

If you are wishing that you weren’t saddled with all of the responsibilities by yourself, start thinking of alternative options.

Wishing you all the best.

I can identify, but I'm the hero mom/spouse. I think when people say these things instead of helping they are doing just that--& you can either ignore them or call their attention to the fact that you are not in fact a hero and that you would much rather have help than praise. Maybe its $100 to pay a cleaner or a few hours respite on their day off. If that's not in the cards just ignore them. I would recommend asking for something very specific and doable tho--you might be surprised at what you get, and, at the least it may feel empowering & set them straight.

My daughter was on my case about exercising etc. for a year or two...telling me I would feel so much better & even getting mad at me. I had to tell her a few times to just stop. They think that they have the answers but don't understand how hard it is to mobilize yourself after only a few hours of care sometimes. The mental and emotional toll is debilitating. They don't know what it is like for your life to not be your own.

That said, try to be a little selfish each day and do something for yourself. I tend to watch TV and make little treats because that's all I can do while caring. I am hoping to mix in some stretching and lite exercise at home. A little walk can do wonders.

Good luck! You're not alone!

I am an only who took in my parents. Several of my cousins used to tell me this same crap! Would they do it for their folks,, most would not,, but hey I'm special right? BUT I did have one cousin in TX who took my Mom and Aunt for 6 blessed weeks once, ( after dad passed) and to this day she is my hero. But I know I was lucky!

Deleted my comment as Burnt already said it all + much better than I did.

You sure you're not my SIL?

She is the primary CG for my noxious MIL. By CHOICE, I must add, since the brothers help out so reluctantly, they may as well not even be in the mix.

I would never call SIL a hero. A martyr, yep. A poor planner. Yep. A kind person whose kindness has practically killed her. You bet.

I sat across from her at dinner a couple weeks ago and told her that she is flat out killing herself, which she has every right to do, but she DOES NOT have the right to drag my depressed Dh and his OB into her mess. (It doesn't sound kind, the way I've written it, but I was kind.)

Her kids are all grown, married and have their own families. They complain to MY kids (their cousins) how much they hate what their mom has chosen to do---it's been years and the last year has been the worst. They talk until they are blue in the face and SIL just sighs and says "I can't think more than one day ahead". So, nothing gets managed or done.

We're basically just waiting for MIL to have a fall that lands her in the hospital. Then the 'plan' is to move her to a NH. SIL states emphatically, that putting her in a NH will kill her.

The rest of us don't see the problem with that! I know it makes us look awful---if MIL was one bit grateful, it wouldn't be so hard, but she's ornery and nasty to everyone.

My SIL is most assuredly NOT a hero. I do feel sorry for her, but she has chosen this dynamic when MIL has plenty of money for the best facility. Heroes don't drag other people down with them. She's only a 'hero' b/c she is supported by 2 grown men who do whatever she says for them to do.

Being heroic means doing the BEST RIGHT THING despite the odds. And dragging an entire family down b/c YOU want something--to me, that's selfish.

Sorry if I come across angry. But, I am.

They tell you you are a hero because complimenting you makes them feel better for not helping. If they call you a hero, it helps them believe that you are and that you don't need them. They tell you to take care of yourself because you need care, and again, they don't want to help you so they just tell you to do it. It "gets them off the hook." It feels like the opposite of praise and support - it's angering and hurtful.

Words mean nothing, though; actions are what speak the loudest. I would tell them honestly that "No, I am NOT a hero - I am a human being who needs help. I do need to take care of myself, though, you are right about that. But I can't do that without someone stepping in to cover for me. Thanks for noticing. There's no one but you, so can you be here next week on Thursday from 12:00 to 6:00 to take over while I get a haircut, see the doctor, and buy some socks and underwear?"

If they aren't willing to help you get a break, then ask them to help you find respite care and arrange for it.

I am sorry that everything falls to you. It's hard when a sibling thinks that compliments are the same as support or help. But you need to speak up firmly if you want them to step up. They have their heads in the sand and unfortunately you will have to yank them out. :-)

You are not a hero. That is correct. It sounds to me like you are a martyr though and that does no one any good especially yourself. Taking care of all your mother's care needs along with managing a job, home, and family is too much for anyone.

No one here will judge you for saying no because pretty much all of us have been in the same place as you.

Look into different care options that can relieve the care burden from you.

Your sibling is not willing to take up caregiving and they are not wrong. They're only willing to offer words of praise and appreciation. That and five bucks will get you a coffee and a donut because talk is cheap. Tell your sibling that if they truly appreciate what you do then they can show their appreciation, not say it. Your sib can help you find outside help for your mom.

People tell caregivers to 'take care of themselves' and call them heroes and offer all kinds of praise because they don't know what else to say. It's the same as when someone dies and well-wishers paying their respects always ask if there's anything they can do and if you need anything to ask. It's very rare when someone actually means it. They don't know what else to say.

You don't like your family calling you a hero? Would you rather they call you an a**hole?

The praise and compliments is not what's stressing you out. Trying to do more than should ever be expected of one person is.
Deal with that and stop projecting your anger where it does not belong.

The next time they say that …..You ask them to come and give you a break so you can get away to take care of yourself .
If they refuse ( AND THEY WILL REFUSE) ….then tell them to stop telling you to take care of yourself .

The ones that praise the most often do the least.

"They are more than welcome to come and help which of course they won't. How do I stop their commentary because it is stressing me more?"

The above is what you tell them. Being appreciated does go a long way. But both my brothers were working, one going thru a divorce the other 7 hrs away. I was retired. The oldest, a girl and the one who still lived in the same Town. Its always been me. I was there for all the hospital and Rehab stays. Dad passed, Mom stopped driving so it was me. Then Dementia and her living with me for 20 months. I could not do it, Dementia is too unpredictable and I need order. And my house had 3 sets of steps, not conducive to someone who could not do steps. I had been waiting for her house to sell when it didn't I placed her. Actually it was kind of a fluke. I went looking for respite care, found out they were having a 50% off sale on room and board which meant she could be there a year. Then hopefully the house would sell. First night was heaven, I slept thru the night.

You really can't continue the way ur going. Mom needs to pay for someone to come in or go to an AL if she can afford it. U do not say she has Dementia. You need to tell her you do not have enough hours in the day to be there for your husband and kids and her too. And if your kids are under 18, they need their mother to be there for them. You do not want to miss their milestones. I so hope Mom has the money for an AL. If she has a home, it can be sold. Its OK to place Mom. She will make friends and have activities.

You are angry, and rightly so.
Why not try a bit of honesty on them, because your powerful and well- written note to us shows you very capable of it.
Start praticing your truth now.
Respond with something like this. Don't wait until it becomes more angry in tone:

"I appreciate you and everyone else giving me some version of the heroic myth, and advising me on the self-care I no longer have a second for, but what I am doing now is not a choice; it is being done because I have to do it. And I have no help. I know you are trying to comfort me, but I would so much more appreciate a bag of groceries, an Amazon delivery of diapers or gift card, a casserole, an offer to stay with mom while I go shopping."

At some point, do know, that someone will gently tell you that "I meant well, but don't know what to say. My limitations preclude my being even to even think to try to do what you're doing. I couldn't for a single day. "
You might get a response like "Sorry. I meant well. WHAT CAN I DO?"
And if that happens have a list ready, and let them help.

I am so sorry. You are burned out. I always advise against home care and that's because I could not for a second do it despite my career as an RN. And I know you can't change others, who make the choice I would make, not to be involved in elder care. I always tell folks we didnt cause it and can't fix it. We aren't gods and aren't Saints and martyrdom is a real bad job description. That is me on AC daily, advising everyone not to jump on the funeral pyre.

You ARE there. You chose to try to do this. If you cannot continue, please recognize that before you fall truly ill. We here have seen people die before their cared for loved one.
I am just so sorry. I know there's not a single thing anyone can say to help this.

Caregiving only works when it works for all parties involved, and it's obvious(to us anyway)that it's not working for you.
Your only priorities/responsibilities at this point in your life other than yourself, should be your husband and children and then your job.
Your mom is NOT your responsibility, nor is she any of your family members.
Looks like it's time to have mom placed in the appropriate facility where she will receive the 24/7 care she requires and you can get back to just being her daughter and advocate and not her caregiver.

Birch, welcome!

It's wonderful that you are able to provide care for your parent. But as they tell you on the airplane, put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others.

Caring for an elder only works if it works for BOTH parties. You are clearly on your way to burnout.

What resources have you looked into for your parent's care? Have you asked your siblings to split the duties and been turned down?

Have you gotten a "needs assessment" from the local Area Agency on Aging?

Looked into paid assistance (using parental assets)?

Looked into facility care?

I think that you need to tell these family members how you feel overall. Tell them that the work is tiring. And that you resent the comments ,as you are disproportionately doing the work.
If not done already, you may have to specifically say that you want some help from them (even if you are pretty sure they wont). But I think its good to verbalize that.

You find a care facility for mom.