Stop calling me a hero and tell me to take care of myself.

You find a care facility for mom.

You sure you're not my SIL?

She is the primary CG for my noxious MIL. By CHOICE, I must add, since the brothers help out so reluctantly, they may as well not even be in the mix.

I would never call SIL a hero. A martyr, yep. A poor planner. Yep. A kind person whose kindness has practically killed her. You bet.

I sat across from her at dinner a couple weeks ago and told her that she is flat out killing herself, which she has every right to do, but she DOES NOT have the right to drag my depressed Dh and his OB into her mess. (It doesn't sound kind, the way I've written it, but I was kind.)

Her kids are all grown, married and have their own families. They complain to MY kids (their cousins) how much they hate what their mom has chosen to do---it's been years and the last year has been the worst. They talk until they are blue in the face and SIL just sighs and says "I can't think more than one day ahead". So, nothing gets managed or done.

We're basically just waiting for MIL to have a fall that lands her in the hospital. Then the 'plan' is to move her to a NH. SIL states emphatically, that putting her in a NH will kill her.

The rest of us don't see the problem with that! I know it makes us look awful---if MIL was one bit grateful, it wouldn't be so hard, but she's ornery and nasty to everyone.

My SIL is most assuredly NOT a hero. I do feel sorry for her, but she has chosen this dynamic when MIL has plenty of money for the best facility. Heroes don't drag other people down with them. She's only a 'hero' b/c she is supported by 2 grown men who do whatever she says for them to do.

Being heroic means doing the BEST RIGHT THING despite the odds. And dragging an entire family down b/c YOU want something--to me, that's selfish.

Sorry if I come across angry. But, I am.

You are angry, and rightly so.
Why not try a bit of honesty on them, because your powerful and well- written note to us shows you very capable of it.
Start praticing your truth now.
Respond with something like this. Don't wait until it becomes more angry in tone:

"I appreciate you and everyone else giving me some version of the heroic myth, and advising me on the self-care I no longer have a second for, but what I am doing now is not a choice; it is being done because I have to do it. And I have no help. I know you are trying to comfort me, but I would so much more appreciate a bag of groceries, an Amazon delivery of diapers or gift card, a casserole, an offer to stay with mom while I go shopping."

At some point, do know, that someone will gently tell you that "I meant well, but don't know what to say. My limitations preclude my being even to even think to try to do what you're doing. I couldn't for a single day. "
You might get a response like "Sorry. I meant well. WHAT CAN I DO?"
And if that happens have a list ready, and let them help.

I am so sorry. You are burned out. I always advise against home care and that's because I could not for a second do it despite my career as an RN. And I know you can't change others, who make the choice I would make, not to be involved in elder care. I always tell folks we didnt cause it and can't fix it. We aren't gods and aren't Saints and martyrdom is a real bad job description. That is me on AC daily, advising everyone not to jump on the funeral pyre.

You ARE there. You chose to try to do this. If you cannot continue, please recognize that before you fall truly ill. We here have seen people die before their cared for loved one.
I am just so sorry. I know there's not a single thing anyone can say to help this.

You are not a hero. That is correct. It sounds to me like you are a martyr though and that does no one any good especially yourself. Taking care of all your mother's care needs along with managing a job, home, and family is too much for anyone.

No one here will judge you for saying no because pretty much all of us have been in the same place as you.

Look into different care options that can relieve the care burden from you.

Your sibling is not willing to take up caregiving and they are not wrong. They're only willing to offer words of praise and appreciation. That and five bucks will get you a coffee and a donut because talk is cheap. Tell your sibling that if they truly appreciate what you do then they can show their appreciation, not say it. Your sib can help you find outside help for your mom.

People tell caregivers to 'take care of themselves' and call them heroes and offer all kinds of praise because they don't know what else to say. It's the same as when someone dies and well-wishers paying their respects always ask if there's anything they can do and if you need anything to ask. It's very rare when someone actually means it. They don't know what else to say.

You don't like your family calling you a hero? Would you rather they call you an a**hole?

The praise and compliments is not what's stressing you out. Trying to do more than should ever be expected of one person is.
Deal with that and stop projecting your anger where it does not belong.

They tell you you are a hero because complimenting you makes them feel better for not helping. If they call you a hero, it helps them believe that you are and that you don't need them. They tell you to take care of yourself because you need care, and again, they don't want to help you so they just tell you to do it. It "gets them off the hook." It feels like the opposite of praise and support - it's angering and hurtful.

Words mean nothing, though; actions are what speak the loudest. I would tell them honestly that "No, I am NOT a hero - I am a human being who needs help. I do need to take care of myself, though, you are right about that. But I can't do that without someone stepping in to cover for me. Thanks for noticing. There's no one but you, so can you be here next week on Thursday from 12:00 to 6:00 to take over while I get a haircut, see the doctor, and buy some socks and underwear?"

If they aren't willing to help you get a break, then ask them to help you find respite care and arrange for it.

I am sorry that everything falls to you. It's hard when a sibling thinks that compliments are the same as support or help. But you need to speak up firmly if you want them to step up. They have their heads in the sand and unfortunately you will have to yank them out. :-)

The next time they say that …..You ask them to come and give you a break so you can get away to take care of yourself .
If they refuse ( AND THEY WILL REFUSE) ….then tell them to stop telling you to take care of yourself .

The ones that praise the most often do the least.

I think that you need to tell these family members how you feel overall. Tell them that the work is tiring. And that you resent the comments ,as you are disproportionately doing the work.
If not done already, you may have to specifically say that you want some help from them (even if you are pretty sure they wont). But I think its good to verbalize that.

"They are more than welcome to come and help which of course they won't. How do I stop their commentary because it is stressing me more?"

The above is what you tell them. Being appreciated does go a long way. But both my brothers were working, one going thru a divorce the other 7 hrs away. I was retired. The oldest, a girl and the one who still lived in the same Town. Its always been me. I was there for all the hospital and Rehab stays. Dad passed, Mom stopped driving so it was me. Then Dementia and her living with me for 20 months. I could not do it, Dementia is too unpredictable and I need order. And my house had 3 sets of steps, not conducive to someone who could not do steps. I had been waiting for her house to sell when it didn't I placed her. Actually it was kind of a fluke. I went looking for respite care, found out they were having a 50% off sale on room and board which meant she could be there a year. Then hopefully the house would sell. First night was heaven, I slept thru the night.

You really can't continue the way ur going. Mom needs to pay for someone to come in or go to an AL if she can afford it. U do not say she has Dementia. You need to tell her you do not have enough hours in the day to be there for your husband and kids and her too. And if your kids are under 18, they need their mother to be there for them. You do not want to miss their milestones. I so hope Mom has the money for an AL. If she has a home, it can be sold. Its OK to place Mom. She will make friends and have activities.

It’s very difficult to be a caregiver without any help, especially if you have been doing this for a long time on your own.

I would tell your family that you know that you are on your own in this situation and to please stop calling you a hero because you don’t find it complementary.

If you are wishing that you weren’t saddled with all of the responsibilities by yourself, start thinking of alternative options.

Wishing you all the best.

Your plate is overflowing! Something has to give. Your husband and family come first. And your job. Your mom is up there in the rankings but you do not have the time or energy to continue caring for her. Nobody else is going to step up to help. - this happens all the time.

Time to move into a new part of your caregiving journey for your mom. You should either find caregivers to take over what you are doing or place her in an appropriate facility.

You can't stop the annoying comments from family about you being a hero unless you stop talking to them. Have a written statement ready for next time they say it. And you know they will. Don't get mad. Be honest and give them something to think about. "Actually I am not a hero. I am barely keeping my head above water. I am very stressed out and have way too much on my plate. In light of this, I am hiring caregivers to help me take care of my mother's needs." Then make an excuse to get off the phone.