Our step mother dropped our dad off at a nursing home without his knowledge or will. Do we have any rights?

Ask them if they are willing to take care of the father for a full week as you need a respite. If they say no, then they have no business telling the spouse what to do.

I agree a doctor must request to the NH to be admitted and Dad has to meet certain criteria to be accepted. Also there is a thing called "show-timers" where that the person can appear competent to the intended person. When in reality the truth is they are not able. Only those that are around the person for extended periods of time will see these things. Bathroom duty alone can run 1 person ragged and it is 24/7 365 days a year. And even worse if they have diahrea not to mention feeding bathing oversee meds, take to doctors/hospitals.

BB is now offline and out of the picture. Although BB's description said "I am caring for someone" I believe in this case the carer was her stepmother. In any case, one can continue this discussion here, but don't imagine for a moment that BB will read it.

kindnessmatters, we can get so focused on what an elderly person needs and wants are that we ignore the caregiver. They can become unimportant like they are just a tool to take care of the elder -- an unpaid servant. The caregiver's wants and needs matter, too. What a good family tries to find is what is best for everyone involved, not just one person. There are many elderly people who do think only of themselves, just as there are young people who do. Without knowing a specific situation we can't say if what someone did is good or bad. The stepmother in this case could have been caring for her husband for years, but couldn't anymore. We don't know. I doubt many elders want to go to a facility, but what is a family to do when it becomes bad?

Kindnessmatters, feel free to skip all responses when you see my name on them. I will continue to make the absurd assumption that not all elderly people still understand what is good for them or what they can afford.

In regard to Jeane Gibbs comment it is a shame you waste people's time with your sarcastic posts. Most elderly people are not that selfish and materialistic to request what you would want. Let's not make absurd assumptions. My point was that everyone should be involved with the decision making process.

One more thought that I had was that yes, as some have said, a person is not just dropped off at a nursing home. There has to be a bed available first and foremost. Then it would be determined if the person would be housed in the rehab unit or the long-term care unit of the NH. 

The spouse will always be the final decision maker if your father can’t tell the doctors what he wants. Has he named her as his medical power of attorney? If yes, you WILL need to seek guardianship/conservatorship if he has made her the Medical Power of Attorney. If he is in his “right” mind, he can always create a new power of attorney naming someone else to be his decision maker if he can no longer speak for himself. Best of luck!

I believe BB, the original poster, is no longer on-line as it has been 4 days without the poster coming back to respond to our questions for this question and another one that was asked on another thread. I hope everything is ok.

DigitalBanker, "Check his bank accounts to see if she may have access to them and if so, remove her name from all of them." I'm really curious how a son or daughter could accomplish this. How would you go about doing it? When I needed to take my husband off our joint checking account (he had dementia; this was a safety precaution) we went to the bank together. He signed papers removing himself from the account, and we set up a small checking account for him, to limit the damage if he got scammed, etc. Do you think my son (my husband's step son) could have just waltzed in there and asked the bank to please take my husband off our joint account? Or that my step-daughters could just call up the bank and get me kicked off our account? I think you must have a very limited knowledge of how bank accounts work.

We owned our house jointly, as most married couples do. For the previous 15 years or so I paid the mortgage and most of our living expenses (hubby was retired). Do you think my step-daughters could simply have decided I was up to no good and removed me from joint ownership? What a chaotic mess that would make of home ownership.

I'm sorry someone apparently took advantage of your biological father. But that hardly makes you an expert on the "rights" step children have to control their parent's joint accounts.

Normandy, you claim, "none of us assume an advocacy role to alert the powers that be in our Government to address this issue." And you know this, how?

"All family members, including the elder member should have their opinions valued. "

Absolutely.

So I want to go on record giving my opinion of what I want. I want to live in a 5-star hotel, with limitless room service and fine dining options. I do not want strangers coming into my suite, so I insist family must clean it, and do my laundry. I want no fewer than 2 cruises per year. I need a complete new wardrobe every season, and since I hate shopping, I expect the shopping experience be brought to me. Just keep returning items until I like something.

These are the preferences I express. I am positive that my family will not ignore this. After they stop laughing and pick themselves up off the floor they will continue to search for housing options I can afford.

Elderly family members have rights. They should not be lied to and tricked into getting into a car under false pretenses to be dumped in a NH or ALF against their will. I agree that a Dr will sign the necessary documents based on one family members portrayal. All family members, including the elder member should have their opinions valued. Facilities need to fill their beds to remain financially stable. This is a case of abuse. How disgusting that this has become the norm. What a selfish society it has become. To even have to ask your questions shows the lack of morals and character regarding your step mother. It is similar to the institutionalization of the mentally retarded years ago. Let's just put them away, and justify it to console our guilt and shame regarding our behavior. We cannot continue to ignore what our elderly family members express and prefer. It is a bully mentality and we would not allow it if it was regarding another population in our society. I know of what I speak so I don't want the comments questioning my experience. I

It's actually a little sexist, too, to assume that everything belongs to the man. As far as we know the stepmother owns the house. Funny how we can assume things based on traditional notions. We never know how things are until we hear a whole story.

I so look forward to DigitalBanker's answers, a non-stop fount of hilarity! :-D Yeah, 'have her name taken off any property'- that's a knee slapper right there! I'm picturing the old man shuffling down the highway, 'going back home' LOL. ... Anyway, without knowing more details, it's hard to judge here. If the offspring are so shocked, SHOCKED, maybe they should be in better communication with the father and stepmother. Not fair to pile on her as if she's a wicked witch out to Get All The Stuff. She could be a frail little thing 70 years old who simply can't hack it any more.

Are we sure stepmother did not try to "get the message out" but consistently got no response? Do we know the kind of care dad actually needs? Lifting? Need to know more before we jump to conclusions imo.

I agree, dmasty. What I thought is the father may be handicapped and need a lot of care during the day. The stepmother may have tried to talk him into going to AL or a NH, but he said no, that he would never leave the home. But he couldn't get good care there and the stepmother was tired. So she told him he was going to rehab for PT. There has to be some loss of cognition going on or the doctor would have needed to discuss it with the father. Putting someone in a NH is not that easy. To do it without cause and permission would be a violation of civil rights -- like putting someone in prison without saying why. If the father didn't need to be there, he could call a cab and leave.

I think there is a lot more to this story that the daughter can learn when she goes to visit.

I’m shocked at the bitterness toward the stepmother in a recent response. For all we know they’ve been married and she’s been his everything for 40+ years. Isn’t it possible that the house and all it’s contents are half hers? Not all stepmothers are wicked.

Our Government is blind to the issue of caregiving and the heavy burden on families. We, this constituency only offer comments but none of us assume an advocacy role to alert the powers that be in our Government to address this issue. In others countries the State operates nursing homes, not for profit agencies. The same disinterest applies to the Veterans Administration for our vets they are penned up like pigs in two nursing homes. We have become a third world country,.

Although it is quite possible that your stepmother could no longer provide the care that he needed, the process (even if you would call it that) was done poorly and with no dignity.

It sounds to me like she probably can't take care of him which would be why she did this. Somethings probably going on that she just can't handle, maybe something like dementia or Alzheimer's?

Another thing to consider is does he own the house? If so, is she up to no good and trying to get rid of him so that she can grab everything she wants? Just a thought. Meanwhile, I must ask how close to home is this nursing home? 

Is there any way he can just check himself out and walk out and walk back home if home is close enough to the nursing home? As long as he's not in a lockdown, he should be able to check himself out for the day at very least. I knew someone who was staying at a nursing home before he was to be taken right back out and sentenced for a drug crime. He was able to check himself out and come back home to visit people who live in the apartment building he lived in before he checked into the nursing home. If you can check himself out and leave, I would strongly encourage him to do so and come back home. If he hasn't been there beyond a certain time limit before they must take your income, I would have him leave and go back home even if you must give him a lift but tell him not to ever again get in the car with her  if he didn't need to be at the nursing home. Have a family intervention and get him home health care if this is what he needs but don't have him get back in the car with her ever again. Check his bank accounts to see if she may have access to them and if so, remove her name from all of them. I would also have her name removed off of any other joint ownership so she may have because she may be up to something we really don't know. When you drop him back off at home, pick her up and drop her off at the nursing home and see how she likes it, I sure would! And I would, too!

I notice the OP seems to have left the building. HelpingPrnts, there is one thing that jumped out at me in the original post -- that the father could stay home but needed home care to help with his day to day path. This hinted to me that the father needed a good bit of care that would have to be provided by a caregiver and the stepmother. From the little we were told, I could not find anything wrong with what the stepmother did. It reminds me of the advice that some of the people give here about how to get someone to an AL or NH when they don't want to go. I also got the feeling the OP was only tangentially involved in the life of her father. This is true for most children these days and is not a judgment on the daughter. It could be that she could let her father have his wishes if she agreed to arrange for the care herself. The stepmother may be burned out.

There's one thing I would be cautious about if visiting someone for a short time. People can do something called showtiming. It is easy to keep up if the visit is 2 or 3 hours, but it takes a lot of energy to keep up. People who live with a person can be amazed at how someone can become so "well" when someone is visiting, only to go back to normal when the visitors are gone.

My brother and SIL got a good look at my showtiming mother last week. They visited three times for 2-4 hours each time. The first day she was fine and we all went out to eat. But by Day 3 she could only sit in her chair with her face ash white with fatigue. Her mind was no longer with her. My brother described her as being lost in the tall grass. It is the mother I see almost all the time.

I think it is important to talk to the people who live with the person. They know how things really are. Often the elderly person sees how they wish they were, but the caregiver will know how they really are.

Not enough information in your question to assist with a more definitive suggestion - But I will throw out a couple comments for your consideration: 1. Do you or your siblings live near your father? If so - gather up the siblings and head to the NH for a consultation with them & your father. I'd ask a lot of questions, write questions down in advance & try not to let emotions get in the way (I know this will be a tough one, trust me). Stick to facts and take notes on everything said. 2) Talk to your father about what HIS wishes are in front of an Administrator of the NH so there is a 3rd party present. Even if he is only partially lucid - he still has Rights. He hasn't been declared an IP yet so you still have that. 3) After getting all the facts together, visit your step mother & get her version. Yes - I find it utterly reprehensible No Excuses, that she did not reach out to his children to confer with them, even if you don't have the best of relationships. You can all act like adults because you're all supposed to be vested in what's best for Dad 4) After your facts are gathered, if there are any obvious Red Flags - you have numerous options there: 1) If you strongly suggest your stepmom, call APS & lodge a complaint. You can do that anonymously. Most states are required to act within a 24 hour period & this should get the ball rolling. Most states have stringent Elder Abuse Laws, but I highly suggest you use that as a last resort with facts on your side. You never want to accuse a step parent simply because you don't like them. 2) If your fact finding shows indeed your Dad was worse off physically/mentally or both than you thought and DOES need NH care - have a discussion with your siblings as to how best make your Dad's life more fulfilling, example: pick him up and take him for a car ride (if at all possible) to his favorite restaurant or park on a nice day. Or - bring a movie he once enjoyed & sit with him and watch. Something like that. Hope this helps and best wishes from a gal who's been there.

First, cut her a little slack. I'm basically a 'step-mom' to 3 grown children who live states away and offer no support other than occasionally a few $$ and that is only from the oldest when I purchase something special for dad. A couple hundred $$ doesn't go that far to pay for much of anything. The children are 70, 68 and 50

After 2 years of 24/7, I am beginning to have burnout myself and am trying to take steps to make 'dad' do what he is able to do instead of me being 'on-call' all the time. A NH is NOT an option that I would undertake lightly. I will tend him at home as long as the Good Lord gives me breath in my lungs.

Now, I don't agree with dumping your father at a NH without discussing it first but I don't live with any of you and I can tell you from experience, people tend to only hear what they want to hear. I have been trying to tell his kids since Christmas 2015 about dad's failing health but I get NO response from anyone. People are very busy with their own lives. He gets one call every Saturday for maybe 10 minutes - that is all the input he gets from his kids.  24 hours x 7 days = 168 hours.

So, my question for you today is, what have you done to help your father? What kind of assistance have you offered to your stepmother to care and tend for your father? Do you sit with him so she can get out of the house for even just a couple of hours? I have been cutting my own hair for years because I couldn't leave my DH alone and there is no one I can call on.

While I agree that what was done to your father is harsh - but stepmom certainly got your attention! But it looks like it took several weeks for it to sink in with you.

I have to ask BB1263 how often have you visited your dad and stepmother? As everyone has said before you can not just drop off someone at a NH without a physician signing off. It sounds like to me that you were not that active in your dads life before he was placed in the NH. Believe me it is NOT easy taking care of a parent who needs a lot of care, it is exhausting to say the least. I am 55 y/o and take care of my mother only in the evenings when the HHA leave and It is none stop until they arrive the next morning at 9:00am. Your step mom is probably much older and she probably could not handle 24/7 care. You need to speak to your step mom and go visit your dad and speak to the Nursing staff at the nursing home and see what the situation is before trying to get him released. You are on this site read all the questions and answers about care giving, it is not easy and NH usually are the best place for a love one to be.

Go visit your dad in the nursing home.

Nursing homes generally have a social service department. I would make an appointment to speak to the social worker assigned to his case. Tell the social worker that your stepmom has been uncommunicative and definitely not forthcoming, that she didn't tell you that his health was failing and why she thought he really needed to be admitted to a NH. The social worker might be able to talk to your stepmom and arrange for a family meeting so that you understand what happened and you get some piece of mind.

Some states have enhanced home care programs, designed for elders who would be entering a nursing home under Medicaid, to receive intensive care at home. Many times, intensive home care is cheaper than NH. However, there are plenty of elders who really do need to be cared for in a NH.

As has been said previously, you can't just "drop off" a person at a nursing home. There are admission procedures and doctor's orders etc. The family really needs to talk with the doctor and the stepmother to find out circumstances. Sometimes people can appear to be "OK" especially during short visits. Also we see what we want to see. No one wants to admit a beloved parent is "failing". Care may look easy on the surface, but try 24/7.

I agree with many of the answers above and think JessieBelle has described things accurately. It’s possible your Dad is right where he needs to be for care and safety. Your Stepmom may have been in a no win situation. If he were to injure himself or get a bedsore or infection or any number of horrors she would be blamed. Is it possible she placed him to do what had to be done to protect his dignity? As an example, he may have insisted when he was younger that he NEVER wanted her to change his diapers.

I have a feeling the original poster and stepmother are not on the same page about anything, much less working together for the benefit of the father. I can understand why she put him in a nursing home without a family consultation, if they are all against her. Her frustration in dealing with the father, likely with no help from his children, might have reached the breaking point. The children, being out of the picture (maybe living far away) are, of course, aghast at her 'cruelty and selfishness' - well, let THEM move back near the father and let him live with them. They'll see what the stepmother went through right quick! (yes, I know, the stepmother could just be sheer evil and planning to dance off with a new beau, sell the father's house, etc. - we don't know.) .....  If the father can't manage to live at home and needs daily assistance, whether he has his wits or not, it is better for him to be in a facility.  If he plans to leave the facility and 'go home', she doesn't have to 'take care of him', does she?   Can't make her!  ....  Getting guardianship is very expensive, and then what happens?  Who IS going to 'take care of dad'?  The original poster?  Other children?  Are they thinking 'paid help - we'll just hire someone to stop in for a while every day'?   That will not work for long, and will get hideously expensive very fast!