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Our stepmother dropped our Dad off at a nursing home a few weeks ago without his knowledge or will. She told him that he was there for a P.T. appointment. He wants to have any and all care in his own home but, stepmother doesn't want him home? He still has his wits but, does need in home care to assist in his day to day path. Any advice would be appreciated?

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I suspect that your stepmother was not able to provide the care your father needed. He probably would not consent to a higher level of care, so she had to tell him that she was taking him for another reason. NHs are not hotels that you can just check someone into. A person has to meet certain requirements in not being able to do certain activities of life. Your father's doctor most likely arranged for the admission.

Often people who are in NHs speak of how they don't need to be there and they want to go home. The problem is that they usually need more care than someone on the outside can give. They need help with toileting, mobility, and other things. A family caregiver can end up working 24/7, ruining their own life and potentially endangering their health. Helping someone get up from bed or changing their protective undergarments is a larger chore than most can imagine, particularly if the person is an adult male or heavy female.

Talk to your stepmother about the condition of your father. Chances are high that he is where he can receive the best care. Listening to him alone will only give the view of how he wishes it could be. Someone who was with him all the time will have a more realistic view. Your words about how he needs in-home care to assist with his daily activities says a lot. I have a feeling your stepmother may have done what was best for everyone involved. I would say to give your father a chance to adjust to his fairly new circumstance.

I have to add that 24/7 professional care outside a NH cost more than most people can afford and turns the residence into a care facility.
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I'd be careful about encouraging your father to leave a facility that he may really need, without exploring the true facts and if he is able to do what he thinks. Sometimes, seniors have magical thinking about how much help they need. Sometimes, bedbound people believe they can live at home alone with only a caretaker coming into the house once a day. They have no real idea of how they will get to a bathroom, get changed, get meals and medicine. When the details are examined, the absurdity may be seen. I'd just use caution when encouraging him, if it's not in his best interest. Maybe, his wife is overwhelmed or exhausted. I'd try to figure out the truth and if you still feel compelled, see an attorney about what his rights and yours might be.
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Have you actually talked to stepmom about what happened or just to your father? I ask because, most long term care facilities have application processes. Who is paying for the facility? What did his doctor say about it? I'm just trying to imagine how that would have happened.
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The only legal thing that you could do is sue to get guardianship. You could talk to her about the situation, but unless you are willing to take him into your home for the home care, don't be surprised if she does not agree. Sounds like your step mom is overwhelmed with care, and this was her solution to the problem. If he has dementia, she may have felt unable to deal with it. The only thing to do is try to discuss this with her before going the legal route.
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BB1263, just a thought, would you be able to take care of your Dad for 8 or 12 hours a day? Then your Step-Mom could hire someone to take over the night-shift. That would be one way for your Dad to stay at his own home if he could budget the cost of professional caregivers.

As mentioned in the above postings, a person needs to be assessed to be sure they are a candidate for a nursing home. Sounds like your Dad was, as there does come a time when it does take a village of professionals to help care for a person.
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I have a feeling the original poster and stepmother are not on the same page about anything, much less working together for the benefit of the father. I can understand why she put him in a nursing home without a family consultation, if they are all against her. Her frustration in dealing with the father, likely with no help from his children, might have reached the breaking point. The children, being out of the picture (maybe living far away) are, of course, aghast at her 'cruelty and selfishness' - well, let THEM move back near the father and let him live with them. They'll see what the stepmother went through right quick! (yes, I know, the stepmother could just be sheer evil and planning to dance off with a new beau, sell the father's house, etc. - we don't know.) .....  If the father can't manage to live at home and needs daily assistance, whether he has his wits or not, it is better for him to be in a facility.  If he plans to leave the facility and 'go home', she doesn't have to 'take care of him', does she?   Can't make her!  ....  Getting guardianship is very expensive, and then what happens?  Who IS going to 'take care of dad'?  The original poster?  Other children?  Are they thinking 'paid help - we'll just hire someone to stop in for a while every day'?   That will not work for long, and will get hideously expensive very fast!
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Who signed him into the nursing home? There must have been a doctor who prescribed that level of care and either your father or his guardian signed the paperwork to agree to be admitted.

If you father has his wits about him and doesn't have a guardian, then he can sign himself out of the nursing home. If he also owns the home, then your stepmother has no say in whether or not he goes home. If he wants to arrange home care, the nursing home or local area of the aging can help.

If he has his wits about him and doesn't have a guardian, then he can sign himself out at any time.
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First, cut her a little slack. I'm basically a 'step-mom' to 3 grown children who live states away and offer no support other than occasionally a few $$ and that is only from the oldest when I purchase something special for dad. A couple hundred $$ doesn't go that far to pay for much of anything. The children are 70, 68 and 50

After 2 years of 24/7, I am beginning to have burnout myself and am trying to take steps to make 'dad' do what he is able to do instead of me being 'on-call' all the time. A NH is NOT an option that I would undertake lightly. I will tend him at home as long as the Good Lord gives me breath in my lungs.

Now, I don't agree with dumping your father at a NH without discussing it first but I don't live with any of you and I can tell you from experience, people tend to only hear what they want to hear. I have been trying to tell his kids since Christmas 2015 about dad's failing health but I get NO response from anyone. People are very busy with their own lives. He gets one call every Saturday for maybe 10 minutes - that is all the input he gets from his kids.  24 hours x 7 days = 168 hours.

So, my question for you today is, what have you done to help your father? What kind of assistance have you offered to your stepmother to care and tend for your father? Do you sit with him so she can get out of the house for even just a couple of hours? I have been cutting my own hair for years because I couldn't leave my DH alone and there is no one I can call on.

While I agree that what was done to your father is harsh - but stepmom certainly got your attention! But it looks like it took several weeks for it to sink in with you.
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It's actually a little sexist, too, to assume that everything belongs to the man. As far as we know the stepmother owns the house. Funny how we can assume things based on traditional notions. We never know how things are until we hear a whole story.
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Kindnessmatters, feel free to skip all responses when you see my name on them. I will continue to make the absurd assumption that not all elderly people still understand what is good for them or what they can afford.
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