Should I stay with my husband when he is admitted to assisted living next week?

No personal experience but the general consensus seems to be to stay away for the time the staff suggests for the reasons given. Hard to contemplate but you want the best for your husband and you are exhausted.
Call everyday by all means and make sure he is being given his meds. You can even pick up his laundry from the front office but resist the temptation to peek in his room. if you have children you remember what a fuss the little ones made when first left with a sitter but once you were out the door the crying stopped.

Carol, my mom takes seroquel and it worked very well for her and the pacing and paranoia. She started with 12.5 mg once a day about 4:00pm and gradually increased to 75 mg once a day at 4:00pm. This is not the same for everyone though. If it does not work for your hubby the doc will try something else. My mom also tried ativan which had the completely opposite effect as intended. Some have great experiences with ativan. Have you tried something other than xanax, it could be it is not working as it should for him. Sometimes a geriatric hospitalization is necessary where they can monitor them for a period of time is necessary to determine what meds will work best.

Carol, I'll be thinking about you today! Good luck!

Okay - so definately don't listen to what I said! These are smart women with the experience in this type of situation that I don't have. I am sure they're right. I also agree with the suggestion to perhaps get a little ways away to resist any temptation to visit. Where I live the beach is 90 mintes away - far enough to be a respite but close enough that any emergency could be attended to. Is there some place like that you could get away for some of the time?

Carol, I have a related experience. I had just moved to a new city when it was time for my toddler son to have an operation on his cleft palate. I had been doing research. I found a study that concluded the biggest factor in children's long-term social recovery was how long they were hospitalized -- the longer the hospital stay, the worse the children did and the more they were separated from their parents the worse they did. So I interviewed plastic surgeons on that basis. One said they kept patients 2 weeks, with no visitors. Another said 5 days, and no visitors. I found one that said 3 to 5 days and open visiting. That is who I chose.

I have heard anecdotal stories that no visitors for 2 weeks is best. I have not seen research. But without seeing empirical evidence, I would never ever leave my demented husband alone for 2 weeks. I was with him most of the time he was in TCU, and I stayed with him around the clock in the hospital. Of course, the difference there is that I knew these were not permanent stays.

When my mother had difficulty overnight in the nursing home, I spend the night in her room for a couple of weeks. The nh staff was fine with that. They would not have been able to keep her on that floor (instead of memory care) if we couldn't resolve the issue. Fortunately we did, and she sleeps through the night now.

I guess I'm in the minority, but I sure hope my family doesn't abandon me in a strange place when I'm befuddled.

Are you going to start another thread about the meds?

Carol are you sure AL is the right placement for hubby? Have you considered going straight to a memory care facility? It is a very hard decision to make for the one we love and have spent our lives with. But the things to weigh include his safety (unsteady with Zanax) and whether you want him to be controlled with medications. Medications may finally be the only way to go and Zanax may not be the right choice.
Nobody has any experience with antipsychotics.
They work differently for each patient so the Dr just has to keep trying till they find the right combination. They really should be supervised by a geriatric psychiatrist who is experienced in the dementias.
The goal is to achieve a form of socially acceptable behavior were the patient can function within his/her capabilities and be co-operative with the caregivers and if possible interact with his peers.
Your goal is first to loose your guilt for placing him. You did not cause his illness. You have given him the best care at home. You have recognized the need to seek a higher (more professional) level of care. You did not train for this job and have seen your limits. It is not a case of "I can't do this anymore" it is a case of
" it will be better for him if I don't do this anymore" You are not giving up on him you are seeking the next step to keep him as content and comfortable as possible as his illness progresses. You would not make him walk on a broken leg in the grocery store when there are wheelchairs by the door.
The number one rule in caregiving is "Take care of yourself" You are doing that so you can continue to care for hubby just in a different way. You are the only person he has got on his side.

Carol I hope all went well with the transition. Please be prepared to stay away longer than the two days, it may not be enough. Do not leave the medication changes up to the AL staff. if you don't like what you see ask questions.

Carol - wow. Tough day. I'm a bit surprised that your hubby still managed an escape given how upfront you had been with them regarding his history- and his determination. My father tried a break from a rehab via a window - got the screen off and one leg out when he was caught. In my dads case and I think yours too - this initial escape was a good thing in the long run - after that they watched my dad like a hawk, had his "mug shot" posted at every entrance and emergency door labeled "flight risk". I'm sure the facility has put together a plan for extra eyes on your hubby as well! As for you - sleep in, try to both relax and stay busy - do some self pampering. I imagine there will still be some challenges ahead but the staff at the facility will handle it.

Thanks once again for the comments. Yes, it was pretty upsetting to get that phone call and got my heart pounding for sure! I was so glad they handle it themselves unlike the AL who calls and says come get him!
I am actually glad it happened though because they did add extra staff to make sure it doesn't happen again.
I'm hoping the medication (Alprazalam and Seroquel) will keep him down enough to settle in. Mica393, it's amazing to me it could take "months" for your mother to adjust, wow! That seems like a long time but I can see this is going to be another learning curve for me. I'm just hoping it doesn't take that long.

Another problem, my hubby (Bob) presents very calm and likeable. He doesn't even look like a person who would be there. But I think the whole time he's looking for an escape plan and people don't realize it. How in the world can he put that together when he can't even remember what happened a few seconds ago?!

Well, so far I've learned a few things. 1) there's a BIG difference between an AL and a memory care facility. 2) it's okay to lie to a person with Alzheimer's so they can get some help. 3) don't trust what you think they might or might not do
4) some things like how long to stay away after admit cannot be determined till the very moment family and the healthcare workers think it is the right time.

I'm still not knowing when I'll go back because I wouldn't want to set him back to trying to get with me again. I'm thinking it could be almost a month...but just guessing!

I'm feeling at this point, I don't know much...lol!

Carol; I'm going to make a suggestion. One thing that you could do with your "free" time is schedule all those doctors appointments that you've been putting off. I say this because when my aunt finally got my uncle, with Alzheimer's, and a wanderer he was too, she insisted on visiting him every day. She dropped dead of a heart attack two months after he was placed.

Had she put off her "maintenance"? I have no idea. But I think that YOU should pay a visit at least to your primary and go from there.

All good things to you!