I am wondering if it is wrong to feel mad about having to stay home every day and I can't even go to the store. I am feeling overwelmed by her. She needs somewhere to go like a home and she refuses.
I have been taking care of my father for 2 years and still going. It is a lot of hard work and can be very sufficating. But I was told by a professional that you have to learn to say no. I can not leave him alone. He has started 3 fires and we can not afford to loose our home or his life. The last one he suffered third degree burns all over his face and chest. So I take breaks during the day, read a book, and on saturday for a few hours I have a friend watch him so that I can buy groceries and eat one meal out. You have to find time for your self and make sure that your loved one is taken care of.
My mother has lived with me for 8 years. To the folks who say, "They took care of you"; Please don't say that. You have no idea about the particular situations of the people who express hardship here on this blog. We are venting and it is healthy to share our feelings. It's like someone saying "Been there, done that" after you poured your troubles out to them. It is a stupid statement and it is not helpful. Also, taking care of your spouse is different than your mother. When you have a child and raise it, you aren't saying "I'm doing this so you can take care of me when I am old". You are usually young and can handle the task of caring for a child or children. I am 50 years old. I have a 21, 17 and 10 year old daughters who have missed out on a lot of their mother's time and attention. Time and attention that cannot be made up for. I am resentful and I am sharing my story with others who may have similar feelings. My mother is a woman who was a housewife and an artist (a selfish artist)..never learned to drive or swim. I rode my bike everywhere when I was small, around 8 years old; taking myself to school, piano lessons, girl scouts, friend's houses, bowling...you name it, I took myself there. My mother didn't have to take care of her own mother while raising her children, she never kept my grandmother more than a couple of weeks at a time and not very often. I feel sad that I am stuck doing this job of caring for my mother especially since I have three older brothers who seem to think it is impossible to have their own mother come to stay with them for even a week or two; perhaps it would disrupt their life or their wife and kids. What about my marriage and kids? What about me going back to work once my youngest was off to school? I continue to care for my mom because she is my mom but I don't have to be all happy and dripping with sweetness about it. A lot of days I am Mother Theresa but a lot of days I am not.
I agree with Denise55. It is always easy to say place your needs above all else and put the old folks "away." My personal barometer is to ask myself: 1) is there a good placement for my parent that is better than or equal to the care they are getting at home?; and 2) what would I want for myself if the situation were reversed? I doubt any of us would say, "put me in a run-down nursing home." Forget for a moment that they are our parents. What is the humane thing to do? Even the nicest facilities require diligence by a family member or the patient will be neglected and poorly treated. Many placement alterantives frighten the hell out of me. It is entirely normal to feel overwhelmed and angry about having to care for an elderly person who needs so much of our time. Many of us do this without the involvement of our siblings. And most of the time the job is thankless. Then why do we do it? Because we have a conscience. As much as I would love my "old life" back, I could never turn my back on my Mom. I have had two family members who placed their parents in a NH that was no where near where their children live. It breaks my heart. These once vibrant members of the "greatest generation" will now just wither away in some facility. It is NOT what they deserved. I do not think caregiving should be equivilant of martyrdom. But it does take creativity and patience to help someone in need while preserving one's own sanity. It is all about balance and being tenacious about finding the best services in your area. It has taken me 3 years to gather good medical people and affordable in-home care for a few days a month. I wish peace and tranquility to all here who are direct caregivers and struggle with this issue. Lilli
No it is not wrong. It sounds like she has you chained to her for your false guilt over feeling mad about being the 24/7 slave.
Tell us some more about your mother's health and more about yourself. Like are you an only child or do you have any siblings? Does your mother have any retirement or a long term health care insurance that would help pay for her going to assisted living if she qualifies?
Do you have medical and durable POA for her or does anyone have it?
Has her doctor seen her lately and would it be possible for home health care to come to you and do an evaluation of your mother's health and her continuing to live at home?
No one likes to hear that they can't live at home anymore, but that news is often received better, but not always from a professional like a doctor.
Keep coming back here to vent, to let us know what is going on and to let us know how you are doing?
neco, No it's not bad to feel mad or trapped or guilty but those feelings won't get you anywhere in the long run. You need to find a solution. Not everyone is cut out to care for their loved one at home, and those who can should be honored. Study your options and I'm sure you'll find the answer soon. Your health and mental well being are just as important as your mom's.
mommag is correct here: it is not kind to tell people to suck it up or stop complaining or this doesn't bother me what is your problem or how dare you say you are not over the moon to have this special time with a loved one, especially when they need you so much...
This is the first generation that has taking in the care of elderly relative en-masse in history. People just used to pass on before the miracle of modern medicine made our lives extended into the beyond twilight years. We may be living longer and to greater ages now but what of the quality of life? Not only for the older person suffering many pains and humiliations and physical disabilities and emotional stresses of just oozing through there last of their lives, but the pain of the families who love them (or don't) Who have given up significant sections of their own lives to take on stressful draining duties that are upsetting both for seeing the losses the loved one endures but the losses in there own lives of free time, energy to give to other family members, financial stability and sleep even? Maybe they did "Take care of you? But you were the child they choose to have small, and growing and with an expiration date of the duration of care as well as the support of schools and family and society at large in many ways. Some of the more painful aspects of elder care are the isolation and lack of assistance from other family members who don't want to see a loved pone go down hill in their faces, as well as sheer physical toll of caring for a demanding, irascible one time authority figure who may be bigger than you, increasingly disabled and with no end in sight for how long this may last. Aging Care Giving is hard hard work, whether you love it and wouldn't have it any other way, or must drag yourself to give them the care they need and deserve, it does not change the dimensions and facts and very real frustrations and yes, even irritation and anger of caring for an older adult who is no longer able to look after themselves.
No dear its not wrong, I am going thru the same thing, I havent been to work in over a month! Its becoming financially hard but I wake up each day with a different agenda. Today I decided an adult day care 2 days a week will help both of us, and I will take it from there. Each day will bring on a different emotion, but I have 2 siblings who does nothing to help me so its just me, and I cant afford an assisted living ome and dont trust all the smallers ones I found. So look into adult day care. They are are pretty high, but you may find a less expensive one in your area. Contact the Alzhemier Assoc, they are a great help!
I don't want to be difficult or anything, but am I the only who feels that the whole "THEY DID IT FOR YOU" arguement is silly when you consider that having children is a choice but having parents isn't?
To begin with, gives us a "Neco 101" and tell us about yourself. Then some details about your situation so we can be of assistance now and in the future. The idea of moving somewhere else gives her the willies, but your living arrangements must change if you're to prevent turning into a basket case.
The bottom line is that you need to get on with the rest of your life, and she knows it. ... And your life, mental health included, shouldn't have to be negotiated with anyone ... especially one that's draining it out of you day by day.
This kind of stress is never an option. It doesn't matter when, it doesn't matter where, it doesn't matter whom.
It is entirely normal to feel overwhelmed and angry about having to care for an elderly person who needs so much of our time. Many of us do this without the involvement of our siblings. And most of the time the job is thankless. Then why do we do it? Because we have a conscience. As much as I would love my "old life" back, I could never turn my back on my Mom. I have had two family members who placed their parents in a NH that was no where near where their children live. It breaks my heart. These once vibrant members of the "greatest generation" will now just wither away in some facility. It is NOT what they deserved.
I do not think caregiving should be equivilant of martyrdom. But it does take creativity and patience to help someone in need while preserving one's own sanity. It is all about balance and being tenacious about finding the best services in your area. It has taken me 3 years to gather good medical people and affordable in-home care for a few days a month.
I wish peace and tranquility to all here who are direct caregivers and struggle with this issue.
Lilli
Tell us some more about your mother's health and more about yourself. Like are you an only child or do you have any siblings? Does your mother have any retirement or a long term health care insurance that would help pay for her going to assisted living if she qualifies?
Do you have medical and durable POA for her or does anyone have it?
Has her doctor seen her lately and would it be possible for home health care to come to you and do an evaluation of your mother's health and her continuing to live at home?
No one likes to hear that they can't live at home anymore, but that news is often received better, but not always from a professional like a doctor.
Keep coming back here to vent, to let us know what is going on and to let us know how you are doing?
This is the first generation that has taking in the care of elderly relative en-masse in history. People just used to pass on before the miracle of modern medicine made our lives extended into the beyond twilight years. We may be living longer and to greater ages now but what of the quality of life? Not only for the older person suffering many pains and humiliations and physical disabilities and emotional stresses of just oozing through there last of their lives, but the pain of the families who love them (or don't) Who have given up significant sections of their own lives to take on stressful draining duties that are upsetting both for seeing the losses the loved one endures but the losses in there own lives of free time, energy to give to other family members, financial stability and sleep even? Maybe they did "Take care of you? But you were the child they choose to have small, and growing and with an expiration date of the duration of care as well as the support of schools and family and society at large in many ways.
Some of the more painful aspects of elder care are the isolation and lack of assistance from other family members who don't want to see a loved pone go down hill in their faces, as well as sheer physical toll of caring for a demanding, irascible one time authority figure who may be bigger than you, increasingly disabled and with no end in sight for how long this may last.
Aging Care Giving is hard hard work, whether you love it and wouldn't have it any other way, or must drag yourself to give them the care they need and deserve, it does not change the dimensions and facts and very real frustrations and yes, even irritation and anger of caring for an older adult who is no longer able to look after themselves.
To begin with, gives us a "Neco 101" and tell us about yourself. Then some details about your situation so we can be of assistance now and in the future. The idea of moving somewhere else gives her the willies, but your living arrangements must change if you're to prevent turning into a basket case.
The bottom line is that you need to get on with the rest of your life, and she knows it. ... And your life, mental health included, shouldn't have to be negotiated with anyone ... especially one that's draining it out of you day by day.
This kind of stress is never an option. It doesn't matter when, it doesn't matter where, it doesn't matter whom.
-- ED
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