My father has been living alone for 5 years since my mother passed away. We recognize his health is changing and he no longer can take care of the house on his own. I suggested that he move in with my sister (which is is open to) for a month to see how things go. After we will take next steps. What needs to be done with the house since he no longer will be there in the short term?
We have two posts today from families for whom it all went TERRIBLY wrong moving a senior in without a solid care contract and without any planning.
I sure hope PW will return and update us, and Igloo, thanks again for such solid advice for this Forum.
It is time now to sell. Too much of a liability for it to remain empty. We are having the house appraised on Friday. We have several people who are interested and are hoping that we can sell without a realtor.
Right now his personal needs are covered by Sissy, so my guess is Sissy deals with medical healthcare stuff and your job is all other?? This is an interim plan, right? Get him out of the house so that over time it can be cleared and cleaned and decluttered to make more market ready…. This is it isn’t it??
if so here’s my thoughts:
- do NOT let his homeowners insurance know he has moved. So do NOT change his driver’s license or do any change of addy. This also impt for taxes, more on this below. If insurance should find out, it will be cancelled and he will have to get a vacant dwelling policy which are expensive, have to be renewed every 6 mos usually & in my experience are really just a fire policy. If his roof is over 10 yrs old, gonna be a B***h to find a vacant dwelling that will do underwriting.
- get his utilities and all bills to be paperless so less mailbox clutter and to be on line paid, and you create a new email address for this and everything else “house” and bills that u will be coordinating all now go to this. Make it easy WalkerFloridA@gmail.com.
- kill cable and phone and if he has cable box, be sure to get it turned back in and get a receipt (just trust me on this one)
- have AC serviced and done so that it is going to be turned off. If dad does not have a twice a yr service contract, I’d get one. When you finally do go and get it listed, this will be a selling point.
- 3 -4 lamps on timers in the House. I did mainly torch style lamps from IKEA for this. Just lights up larger area than table lamps imo.
- outdoor / porch lights get sensor light bulbs so go on automatically dusk to Dawn.
- if his hood is sketchy, Ring doorbell system and locks on all the gates.
- secure his trash cans. Like put them someplace where the neighbors cannot get at them and use them. Otherwise they will. Fwiw got my mom’s 3 cans (regular, recycle and organics) switched out from the big standard size to the petite size and saved abt $40 a mo.
- I would not have utilities shut off but instead disconnected the frig and empty and leave doors adjar, ditto for W&D. You kinda have to leave oven, stove DW connected. You can turn AC off. If there’s ceiling fans throughout, personally I’d leave them on.
- right now he has homestead exemption and whatever else over 65 property tax exemptions. It’s important as it keeps his taxes low. If you change his DL or address these all go away. Again he does NOT change his address.
- if he has a car, sell it and try to get whatever is close to its Kelly Blue Book value. If it has issues and cannot get this price, take photos to document why. This u r doing proactively just in case he needs to file for LTC Medicaid once Sissy cannot caregive anymore and he has run out of $. LTC Medicaid has a 5 yr lookback.
- wooden dowels inserted in the channels between lower & upper windows. Just makes it a bit more difficult to break in via opening a window.
- run a big 3 credit report.
- cancel all magazine type subscriptions.
and
- try to clear out 1 bedroom and make it so that you can enjoy being in it. It will be an emotional slog to get it emptied. Having this room will be a SANITY saver.
What are you thinking is the feasible plan for regularly checking mail and yard maintenance?
I was honestly shocked when my brother chose his ALF and moved, the cost of maintaining his last small place, and shocked to learn from insurance that hey, they wouldn't be insuring again if this place was left empty and had only me staying on my three or so visits every year, even if I was to stay a month at a time. AND have someone maintaining garden and checking.
An empty house is almost always a poor idea. Dependent on rental laws for your city (SF has the most notorious in the nation pro tenant--albeit the highest rent along with NYC) it can also be a nightmare to rent out a home or leave it prey to copper thieves and squatters.
If you still want to try moving him to your sisters house for a month trial period, just make sure someone goes over to dad's house daily to make it look occupied to prevent squatters or vandals breaking in. We've all seen on the news stories of these squatters who move in and it becomes very difficult and costly to remove them.
Does your father have a Long Term Care insurance policy? If so, see if he qualifies for care for him in his home. My parents have LTC which has been hugely beneficial but there is still an incredible amount of time, care and money that the family has to take on. If there is no LTC, then your sister is going to need a lot of help financially, mentally and emotionally. As much as we love our parents, it does take a toll on us. So know that moving your dad into your sisters home will more impactful to her than you can imagine no matter how willing she is. Even with my parents having an LTC, there is still a huge responsibility on me. I do the grocery shopping, laundry, driving to doctor appointments, in constant contact with their doctors when they are hospitalized, and at times I neglected my own family and family get togethers. I don't resent it nor regret it but these are some things to be aware of.
As a side note - Other family members who are not in the trenches day to day sometimes make comments or judgements that are not helpful because they do not understand the toll and incredible amounts of time and money it takes to lovingly and adequately take care of our parents. Food for thought.
But I want to caution all the folks on here about an assisted living facility. I ultimately had to put my father in one because of his severe dementia.
These facilities can be pretty horrific. They have to be checked out by you. Don't go by glowing reviews. Go and take a good look at multiple places for yourself. Don't announce your visit so you can see first hand what a place is like. Most places allow for unannounced visits. If they don't cross them off your list.
I went to 3 different ones( I actually looked at five). I chose one and got my father into it then I made some unannounced visits. I ended up removing him and got him into another. That next one he was unattended for periods of time and he got out of bed fell and rebroke his hip. The third I visited which was rated maybe the best but not all that great, is where he ended up dying.
These places can be horrific and it's a huge problem in our country. I guess if you're very wealthy you can get a parent in to a very good facility, but the cost is mostly out of reach for most people.
This is the hardest thing you'll ever have to do in your life!
My mother died in hospice care at the house peacefully.
From my understanding, it’s best not to sell your father’s home until consulting with financial ppl at an assisted living facility to see if that would disqualify him from eventually living there if necessary. They usually want substantial assets to pull from. I would also make sure that if he goes to a facility, he can stay there once his funding runs out. You could air BNB his home out if someone is willing to take on the management of that. Finding excellent housekeepers is the most challenging aspect of having an Airbnb (we have one). Very few assisted living or skilled nursing facilities take Medicaid. I wish you all the best.
I read in some of the comments below that you are reconsidering what to do. Please look into in home care if your sister is unable to help. You have no idea of the abuse and neglect in some of these 'care' facilities.
We have a wonderful program here that can help with funding through medicaid called IRIS. He can choose who he wants for his caregivers and does not have to go to a strange and unfamiliar place. He can stay in his own home then. They also pay for family as caregivers (at least in our state).
I remember the past when people preferred to have parents stay in their homes. They would be surrounded by family and friends that cared about them rather than sell everything they worked so hard all for all their lives and push them into a tiny room surrounded by people who often don't care at all about them. They often drug them up so that they don't have to do much work with them.
My Aunt is in her 90's and although she has family and friends stopping by to help her out, she gets additional help from other resources. Her Church has offered some help as well. They sent people there to help with her garden and bring communion. One lady often helps pick up groceries.
Tiny room surrounded by people who don't care about them? I have seen much kindness and caring in senior facilities.
How wonderful that your aunt in her 90s has all those people to help. Most people do not. What home care often boils down to is a caregiver in their 70s taking care of a person in their 90s. The caregiver gets no help and has to do it all herself, often with her own medical problems or disabilities that she can't attend to because she has no one to stay with 90-year-old Mom.
Sell everything that they worked for all their lives? Yeah, because their assets were meant to finance their own end-of-life care rather than burden family and friends, their church, volunteers who take care of the garden, bring communion and shop for groceries. (Unfortunately their heirs - maybe you are one - may not get to inherit a huge bundle.)
Let's say there are 4 family members and friends, 2 or so from the church, 2 to work in her garden, 2 to bring communion, and 1 to bring groceries. That's 11 people tied up taking care of her. In a senior care facility, she'd have 24/7 care, an RN present or on call, medical care, rehab on the premises, and three meals a day plus snacks. Also outings, friends, and planned exercises.
You should visit some ILs, ALs and memory care before you go spouting off about people being drugged and crammed into a small room.
What necessitates your father moving in with your sister?
How quickly did you formulate this plan?
Is your sister fully aware of what is involved in 24/7 caretaking and do you have plans to see an elder law attorney to get sister made POA (can you father still be competent enough to appoint her)?
Do you and Sister have a plan to see attorney for a caretaking contract for shared living expenses? Is there full agreement that this will work so long as it works for ALL involved and when it is not working for either sister or father there will be long term care placement?
I think this needs a whole lot of discussion, getting paperwork done, before such a move is made. It is important to go one step at a time.
I believe your sister who you say lives in Maryland needs first to come to where your father is living and move in for a month. This is going to give her a taste of where things are and let her know that the trajectory in future is downhill. It will let her know whether or not she should attempt this. Moving from daughter to caretaker is trading in a much loved to an often despised relationship.
I think the two of you may likely need to come up with another plan. Important not to go to quickly on this, imho.
That's what I would worry about next.
What does your sister think of this?
What does your dad think of this?
Who is POA, the one that can make decisions for dad if he is not competent to make his own decisions...and has it been determined that he can no longer make his own decisions?
Is your sister's family ready, willing to have him move in?
Is your sister's house set up so that he can manage?
No stairs, no carpet, wide hallways, walk in shower (one large enough for another person if he needs help) there are lots of other factors to consider as well, this is just a few
Also I'd like to add does your sister know what she is getting herself into and I truly hope that you are going to help her. Because this is a really rough road your sister is taking on, She needs to know that. And she is going to need all of your support help and love. And watch for your sister health too, burnt out , not the going to doctors herself, or taking care of herself.
probably (if you think you can trust them) speak to the neighbours and give your phone number incase of any emergencies.
this house was empty for about a year - left to deteriorate. We have a lot of work to do on it. Its worth up keeping it.
Have a chat with him about a good timeframe in which to make a permanent decision. You may find out that after a month he’s willing to sell his home and move forward. You may find that he wants to return to his home. Each of these steps deserves time if this is not an emergency, Use time and talking as your guide. Ultimately it is his decision, his life. If he is not currently in good
cognitive status then make an
appointment with his main provider and talk about what next steps are
available and what of those steps
would be best for him. The provider can help ground the discussion and
allow dad to feel safe and have an
accurate assessment of his abilities/ health status at this time.
There are many ways to do it. I am confident that your caring preparation will be very much appreciated by him.
We went through mom's house and siblings could take what they wanted, then we had an estate sale. We had the house staged to sell. Our realtor was great – he had connections to handymen, painters and a stager. I found the estate seller through Yelp (meet with them and interview before you sign a contract).
Good luck – it can be physically and emotionally trying, going through the house especially if it's one where you grew up. It helped me to know that we were getting it ready to sell to help with keeping mom in a nice AL living facility.
Remember, the longer you keep the home the more costly it is for insurance, taxes and upkeep. If you plan to rent then consult an attorney if you worry about spend down and future Medicade. At his age, all moneys should go to his care and not to family. You can consult that attorney if you want to get paid for the house clean out because you will need a contract. Same with the sister he plans to live with. Do this while he is mentally intact.
My opinion is to place him in IL or AL instead of taking care of him. For peace of mind and no regrets you can have pleasant visits with him and not begrudgingly take care of him. You should be able to take him out to family outings. He will be safe and most important, be able to socialize with people his own age including any scheduled activities that the facility plans. My mom was very social and actually found a couple of people she knew in the past since she lived in the same town for 56 years. Take him to a couple of places and really try to talk it up with him. Emphasize safety
It's in your father's best interests that he sells his home to get the care he needs. He doesn't belong with his children, he needs the company of people his own age. People (90yrs) who know what they've gone through in life and can really relate to one another. He can start a new comfortable life with not having to maintain the burden of a home and living with people who are younger rushing around him, causing him confusion.
Moving in with your sister is a really really bad idea. She won’t like it and may get stuck taking care of him until he dies. By that time she might not like you much either, because you won’t be doing the grunt work like she is.
Heed the advice you’re getting here. We know.
Your sister has been his caregiver and is finding it more difficult to care for him.
Your father’s needs are increasing and moving him into your sister’s home will not help your dad or your sister.
Why burden your sister with the additional load of being his full time caregiver? Would you want to take on this responsibility for your dad? I doubt it.
Trust me, I moved my mother into my home and it’s not easy to be a full time caregiver. Even with part time help from an agency caregivers, it was still hard.
If you want to help your dad and be fair to your sister, then bring up the topic of a facility for him to live out his remaining years in.
Then you and your sister can visit dad as his daughters.
One of you, most likely your sister, if she desires could act as his POA and oversee his care in the facility.
Your sister lives in the same city as your dad. She is the logical choice to become your dad’s POA. You live in a different state and won’t be able to see your dad as often as your sister can.
Best wishes to you and your family.
Also what LEGAL arrangements made for a care contract for her for shared living expenses and costs.
Also what time frame for re-evaluation of whether this is working for Dad AND for sister, who is here my concern.
Your father's funds, so far as they can stretch should both pay for a care contract with sister for his needs for housing, food, maintenance, transportation, and for the expenses of his home.
At the point that the home cannot be maintained it should be sold with a good POA or guardianship, and the funds deposited for father's care.
And that's how it goes.
Do seek the advice of an hour of time with good attorney (elder law preferred).
I wish you the best of luck, but only hope against hope that sister knows what she's getting into and that she is COMPENSATED.
Moving Dad in with your sister isn’t going to make it easier as he continues to decline .
On top of that now your sister will have him in her house 24/7 which changes her whole life plus who ever else lives in the house .
Skip this mistake of letting Dad get used to living with his daughter while his daughter becomes a servant to him , meanwhile your life in Florida doesn’t change . Tell Dad he needs to go to assisted living and sell his house .
How about your father instead moving down to Florida to live with you?
But realistically(as it's not fair to either of you to give up your lives and homes to care for him)....how about selling your fathers house as is and have him move into an assisted living facility where he will be round other folks his own age and will have daily activities to keep him busy.
And that way you both can just be his children and advocates and not his burned out caregivers.
Sounds like a good plan to me.
Maybe the strategy needs to be have your Dad go to a good, reputable local facility where he will get opportunities for daily activities, events, socialization, etc.
Please read this Care Topic carefully:
https://www.agingcare.com/topics/30/burnout
and read the Questions posted by loving and well-meaning adult children who could not have imagined how being the live-in, hands-on caregiver wreaked havoc on their lives. Then read the responses from people who have lived this arrangement.
Your Dad may be "reasonable" now but it won't last since decline is a constant. You are asking your sister to be his 24/7 nurse/cook/hygiene manager/entertainer/housekeeper. Resist the urge to romanticize it.
Good luck.