Starting chemo tomorrow---need all your support!
Friends---
I have been on the wonderful site for several years and have received (and I hope also given!) a lot of support.
My own battle begins tomorrow in earnest as I begin a 6 round chemotherapy for my lymphoma.
It's been just over a month since I found 'the lump' that sent me reeling into the Cancer Center here--I've had tests that only the clueless would agree to--and tomorrow, the die will be cast.
R-CHOP, as it is called. 1 day of infusion (the 1st is bad, so I hear) as they introduce, one by one the poisons and then dial back until I can stand it, then another one--well, I don't care too much about the mechanics--I just want the time to fly.
If all goes well and I tolerate the infusions, they make the time between then slightly shorter, so I could be done as early as Sept 1st--or who knows when, if I don't tolerate it well.
Too much time spent on the internet---people say it's the worse thing they've ever done, a lot say they scheduled infusions for Friday so they could be back at work on Monday.
And I WILL lose my hair. Oh well. I hope it grows in pure white and curly.
Dh is going to attempt to be my caregiver---but has already said he cannot stay with me tomorrow (8 hrs)...as I get the first infusion. Maybe that's for the best. He's really struggled with this--he is not a natural CG and tends to just go to bed and leave me to my own devices.
Just need words of support now this thing is real. I will be honest on this board as I might not be around others: I am absolutely terrified beyond reason.
I hope and pray I can be brave and that the IV's go in easily--and that any and all barfing makes it into the appropriate place (not DH's leather interior of his car!) I hope I can have enough 'good days' to out weigh the bad ones.
Funny, I don't worry about a cure, because we caught this so early---but that would be nice, too.
This has humbled me a lot--we always wonder why things happen to us and I am still trying to figure that out. Probably no rhyme or reason--stuff happens because we live and this is part of life.
I thank you in advance, I am already so loaded with different drugs my cognitive reasoning is not the best.
Just prayers, please and good thoughts.
I have little experience with cancer/chemo in our family, except for my own Mom who had uterine cancer, but after her radical hysterectomy was done, only the radiation therapy was recommended, and even that was pretty gruelling, treatment 7 days a week for 8 weeks, so I sure hope you get to avoid that!
I personally felt that you have done your treatment with strength, and grace and have kept your sense of humor throughout, I doubt that I could have held up as well as you have, so good going!
Now is the time to really take care of yourself and begin rebuilding your strength. Let the kids do the decorating and cooking, and you kick back, relax, and do all your Christmas shopping online. I've even seen some really cute gift wrapping bags, and all you do is put the present in it and pull the strings, and Waalaa, all done, it is definitely the way I'm wrapping from now on, you can order them on the shopping channels or probably from Amazon too!
Anyhoo you take care and know that I am hoping for all good things to come your way in the next few weeks and months, so that you are ready to start that new job in thge New Year! Take Care and Happy Holidays! Stacey B
Still not much energy, I get ONE 'thing' done per day--so I've done some Christmas shopping and whether or not I go to WA to Thanksgiving is still up in the air. This family has seen me once since my chemo, and I was wearing my wig and had eyebrows, so I didn't 'look sick'. Now, with no hair at all, I look blank and a little scary.
My DIL texted and asked what I wanted to do while we're up there, but I don't have the stamina to walk long distances, nor to even stay awake all day. Food all tastes terrible and I am afraid of my son picking 'fights'. He and his DH LOVE to get into political rantings and I cannot bear them. I told DIL EXACTLY what s/e's I have and will have for few more weeks and she was horrified. (She's a dr., so I don't know if she slept through oncology, but she knows NOTHING about it). For the most part I have taken care of myself and our home with a minimum of outside help. Dh refuses to cook anything but fried eggs, so I have to still cook. He's been a jerk and he knows it, but he's way too manly to admit that he's blown it. Our dear neighbor have done 90% of the 'caring'. How my DH can lie in bed at 11 am on Sat and hear our 77 yo neighbor mowing our lawn and not feel the least bit of embarrassment is beyond me. His sweet wife has brought dinner in 3-4 times a week since about month 3 when I really crashed. She is a true angel on this earth!
I won't make the final decision and I won't for another 10 days. Honestly, I think I am overthinking this. They probably truly don't care if I come or not.
Well--dinner is done, gotta wake up DH and feed him.
When do you find out if you need radiation or not? You say the test is in a month but how long do you wait after test is done to get results back?
That’s going to weigh on your mind but as soon as that is out of the way, plan something just for you! Something really fun! Or just time to relax.
Can you disappear for a short time? Tell us your bucket list.
Babying means massages for your weary muscles. It means shipping ironing to the laundry. It means using "I couldn't possibly do that" to jettison troublesome things. It means disengaging quickly from toxic conversations. And it means being very careful to keep low key even after your strength starts to return -- you still will only have a small amount of physical and emotional ergs in you.
As for your mom --- that's a toughie, truly accepting her emotional detachment. But you'll get there -- some people aren't able to love unconditionally, some are unable to even like. It is what it is.
May the good Lord bless and keep you
Whether near or far away
May you find that long awaited golden day today
May your troubles all be small ones
And your fortune ten times ten
May the good Lord bless and keep you
'Til we meet again
May you walk with sunlight shining
And a bluebird in every tree
May there be a silver lining
Back of every cloud you see
Fill your dreams with sweet tomorrows
Never mind what might have been
May the good Lord bless and keep you
'Til we meet again
Your cyber-sister,
NYDIL
Love your posts. I smile when I read them 😊
A celebration is in order!
What does that look like for you?
Okay, just passing this on. There is a way to discontinue contact with friends, relatives etc. who are toxic towards you. Become more and more unavailable.
Do not announce that you are cutting ties. When they call, answer only intermittently. When you do answer, use techniques such as "gotta go, someone is at the door". Or, this is not a good time, etc. Not even a Christmas card. They will likely give up after awhile. And you will heal, feel stronger, and more in control of your life.
Still, prayers as you heal.....completely heal.
You have offered so much here to so many and with such validity. I would focus on those who support you the most. You have alot to choose from within your family. Some mothers are that in name only as witnessed by so many here. I am glad you have faith and strength to guide you along this path.
I am so glad everything went as well as it could. Of course this experience changed you forever. No one could possibly know how life changing this situation is unless they have been through it themselves.
I hope and pray this is your last go round of this crap.
I hope your kids nor anyone else adds unnecessary stress to your life so you can heal in peace. You deserve all the peace in the world. Hugs!
Then---just healing. He said to take to the end of the year and really baby myself as I am still really 'sick' but will start to feel better in a few weeks and then slowly come back to my 'new norm'.
Gotta get the kids on board with not stressing me out. Gotta accept that my mother truly doesn't care about me and also need to gently let go of some toxic people in my life, inclusive of some relatives.
Thanks to all the kind souls who took this journey with me in cyberspace. I felt the prayers and good thoughts and kindness.
This whole ride has changed me forever. I've yet to figure out why I went through this and why it happened and what to do from now on. I know not to waste precious time and energy on people who simply don't care. But to still love them. It will be challenging, for sure!
XO
Liz
And I will give you a discount on this therapy session too :)
Dh has said he will call son and explain to him the situation--how thoughtless he was to dump this incredibly painful knowledge on me--as I am SO SICK...he'd been reading & studying about anti-church stuff for almost a YEAR and came to conclusion he and his family can't stay in the church--OK, 2 of my other kids have done the same thing, one to a much lesser degree--but still. To spend all their lives teaching and believing and the having them toss it aside has been hard. Of course I still love them--it's just that, what took him a YEAR to decide--he dumps on me and expects I'll be all "glory, hallelujah!" in 15 minutes.
Yes, I will be fine and in the long run, what matters is that we all love each other, but he cannot demand me to immediately feel what he feels. And he does it by shouting at you until the hair on your arms is standing up. (Yes, he's a lawyer).
I have never in my adult life--shoot even as a kid, have I put my wants or needs first. It has been SO out of my 'wheelhouse'..that I actually feel guilty over stuff that has NOTHING To do with me.
Already have a call in to the therapist. She's not on my insurance, so I'm $120 out of pocket every visit. I think I need a boost in my self esteem and for her to remind my that I'm valuable.
The trip to WA? On the back burner. Dh can do what he wants, but if I feel uncomfortable or even sick (it's only 4-1/2 weeks away)...I simply will not go.
The tickets only cost $215. My gosh, how many times have I wandered into Costco for a rotisserie chicken and TP and walked out with $400 worth of...?
All in the perspective!
Yard guy showed up and did a great job. Wants more work, so I may see if DH will hire him for Saturday and they can clean the garage. No way I can do that, which I usually do.
Just gotta get through one more day. in 24 hrs I will be DONE paying to be poisoned!
You can just put my check in the mail;) How is that for some humor? ((Hugs))
Girls have been haranguing me to use this gift, but I've been able to keep stuff clean enough on my own.
Tomorrow
Bet your bottom dollar
There'll be Sun.
The hair will grow back
Tomorrow
Tomorrow
Tomorrow
There'll be hair
And Sun
And fun.
The sun'll come out
Tomorrow
Bet your bottom dollar
That tomorrow
There'll be sun!
Just thinkin' about
Tomorrow
Clears away the cobwebs,
And the sorrow
'Til there's none!
When I'm stuck with a day
That's gray,
And lonely,
I just stick out my chin
And Grin,
And Say,
Oh
The sun'll come out
Tomorrow
So ya gotta hang on
'til tomorrow
Come what may
Tomorrow!
Tomorrow!
I love ya
Tomorrow!
You're always
A day
A way!
Come what may!
Thank you for sharing all that you have. It’s important for people to understand what a heavy load you are carrying. We learn from other people’s experiences.
I agree that not everyone is not a natural born caregiver. I love that you are not sweating the small stuff like the lawn.
I am wishing the very best for you today and always. Please let us know how you are doing when you feel like talking.
Mid, I am so looking forward to hearing you say that you have plans other them chemo treatments. It doesn’t matter it is simply watching a great movie on television, going out to dinner or taking a cruise somewhere! That day will come and your chemo days will be over.
Just need to get through this--and keep telling myself that each day from tomorrow on will mean I am getting better and better.
I think when my hair starts coming back, that will mean a lot. I have truly missed it! And my eyelashes!!
I can't change airline tickets without paying a huge fee--so I have to go to WA..unless I am just too sick to go, in which case, it's cheaper to simply 'lose' the cost of the ticket. Still on the fence about that. IF son doesn't promise to not pick fights with me and his dad--we will bow out. It's a chance for family to heal...but my son is a little bulldog and only 'loving' towards his wifey and then the kids.
Every infusion has dragged me farther and farther down--I realize that I was horribly mis-informed about the s/e of chemo and the incredible length of time it will take to be 'me' again. I know they want you to be prepared, but I was NOT prepared for so many things---I am hoping that my sense of humor returns. The other day my DH said "I haven't seen you smile or heard you laugh in months". I just replied "If you felt as gross as I do, you'd stay in bed. I HAVE to stay up and doing things. I can't give in." No response. He just has not handled this well at all.
Please--for the last time :) I ask for your prayers and support. In about 24 hrs I will be done.
Thank you to all who have showed kindness and love. My own family (extended) has been a huge let down and I am depressed about that too. Hopefully my generally upbeat personality will return--some people never beat the depression.
Thanks Bella--I did truly enjoy my lunch out. Enjoying this dear friend of 65 years..back in my life since she found out I had cancer. I am blessed by a very few people, that's for sure.
Supposedly someone is coming to clean out my small yard today, but it's a kid I have hired before and he is pretty unreliable. That's the least of my worries.
If you don't feel like traveling now,,,,THEN DON'T... SURE YOUR LO WILL UNDERSTAND... And if they don't, I hope they will soon learn to understand...
You first... Have them come to you, and they can help clean your home :)
Don't come to my house, you'll never find the front door....I will get to it..A room at a time...maybe, if I can remember where to start.
My therapist once told me to make my own family because we don’t get to choose our biological family. I have done that.
I suppose many have done that. I consider this forum to be part of my family unit. Hugs for everyone!
Barfing is not so fun, but hey, if you have to, you have to...geez. Put a smile on your face, think of something fun or funny, get through this, and know, you will get through this.
as MIL would say: This too shall Pass.
Cognitive reasoning is not the best?? your tactile typing is good. Rhyme or reason is sometimes out of the equation... Sometimes, it just not make sense. period. A lot of times, it seems that way....
Prayers are with you, all the way.
Our moms are cut from the same cloth. I needed glasses and probably went 2 years until the school 'caught' my mom and insisted I get glasses. She was furious with me.
Going to lunch tomorrow with a dear friend and then Wednesday is frantic 'clean the whole house' b/c I spend about 5 days down in bed.
Infusions have gotten worse and worse. I'm, scheduled to visit my kids in VA and WA, and I don't think I'm going to have the energy to go to VA. I don't really want to go to WA at all.
No matter what I decide it will be 'wrong' and that's just stinks.
But I sure do appreciate the prayers.
Unfortunately those close to us are not always able to provide the comfort we may need. Doesn't mean we should miss out but we may have to cast the net wider to find it. Please keep writing if it helps you. ((hugs)) +++
Acknowledge one moment when you don't have a feeling of pain. And see if the one moment of being pain free will be a bit longer next time.
My friend tells me to tell someone I see, something nice. Once a day, I am to compliment someone. It will be easier as I do this, and start seeing something nice. Hang in there, it's okay to feel depressed. Find a little bright something in the day. A flower, a smell, a smile. Do you have a funny/fun moment you remember before you and husband got married?
I DO need something fantastic to happen. Maybe it will, who knows.
I could just SLAP my son for being so thoughtless. I have been keeping a lot from my kids on the mistaken thoughts that they cared about me. Done so well that they think I'm no sicker than having a mild cold.
Hubby stays in bed all weekend, so it will be calm, at least.
You don’t deserve any of this. I’m so sorry. It’s pretty damn hard to ignore it too.
We have to work through things and it takes time. Doesn’t get better overnight. So if you are depressed, you’re entitled to be. If you are scared or feeling doubt? You’re entitled to that too. Even if you’re angry, you’re entitled to be.
I have not had cancer so I won’t insult you by pretending to know how you feel.
I get that you withheld certain things. You are trying to spare them. Please know that you aren’t a burden on anyone. Reach out when you need to. If you feel you can’t with certain people than find someone you can reach out to.
I was honored to be the person that my sweet MIL reached out to when she struggled with lymphoma. She wasn’t comfortable reaching out fully to her sons, I get that.
My FIL wasn’t capable of understanding the situation. Her mother was horrible about it all. I could tell you stories about her mother that you wouldn’t believe. She was awful. It made me angry to see. Their relationship was complicated. Basically her mother was self centered. She was the opposite of my MIL who was a loving and compassionate person.
Anyway, I was close to her and offered support. My husband donated platelets when she needed them but I was the one she felt comfortable confiding in. She felt safe with me. I loved that she knew she could trust me. I was actually closer to her than my own mom. I used to feel very guilty about that until my MIL told me why I did. She said that she and I had more in common and we did.
I saw firsthand my sweet MIL go through non Hodgkin’s lymphoma cancer and treatment. I saw her challenges and triumphs. I loved her dearly. You remind me so much of her. You have the same spirit as she did. I admired her and greatly admire you as well.
My MIL showed me enormous compassion whenever I struggled. I see that same quality in you. Don’t you find that people who have struggled the most often are the most understanding because they know what suffering is?
Sometimes people who haven’t struggled just aren’t able to understand. You would think they could but some don’t.
Not that I wish harm on anyone to find out firsthand but I have heard people say that they didn’t have a clue about something until they experienced it themselves.
I hope your son and any others that aren’t being considerate turn around and offer support, show compassion or just simply be kind the best way they know how to be.
Still praying for you. I wish the very best to you always. Take care. Hugs and more hugs.
you're almost to the finish line and we're cheering you each step of the way