Hello, I am at a loss and looking for some advice or support from this community. I have been in a wonderful relationship for 5 years married for 3 years. The first 2 years my spouse saw their mother once every couple of months. I got the impression they were close, but not attached at the hip. As soon as we got married my MIL is all in our relationship/lives. She calls/texts multiple times a day, visits for 5 day stints even though I have asked my spouse to limit to 3 days. I work from home but when she is here she doesn’t respect my space. She is very very needy in that she has tons of questions about her phone, how can I do this online, take me shopping etc. The first few years I spoiled her rotten with my time, cooked beautiful meals, took her to fancy restaurants and wanted to make her feel like a queen for raising my spouse. Fast forward to 5 years and there has been this steady encroachment of our lives with my MIL and her endless needs. She is a very capable 79 year old, but is the caretaker of her husband with Parkinson’s. We have spent the last year moving them out of their home that took many multiple visits to the dump, yard sales to recoup pennies and lots of emotional energy spent talking them through the change. They now live where they want and it took us another several months getting them settled. We are asked to do all these chores a Handiman should do because we can and MIL loves to save on free labor. On top of this they have a second property that we also have to support with doing chores Mama loves to say “one day this will be half yours” but I don’t want it! I want her to have money in the bank for her care. Currently they are cash poor. This last year has been extremely draining because my FIL has been rapidly declining. MIL dose everything for him and is exhausted and we come to her rescue to give her reprieve. We just helped her get a equity line of credit so she could have several people come over to assist. Yet we are still on support duty giving up our weekends making it all about my spouses parents. I only go to help once a month now for my own sanity. I stay home and do all our chores because we too have a life with a home that needs care and fix it projects. My FIL just died recently and the whole family feels relieved “because he is no longer suffering”, but honestly we are relieved because we are exhausted from the constant care, worry and loss of joy in our own lives. His illness has completely consumed us. His wishes were to die at home & he got the best care. Now our time is consumed with his service and my spouse is already putting in more time to support Mama. Meanwhile, I am the amazing spouse who takes care of the house, pets, generous with their parents and I feel like my life is not my own. I didn’t have years with MIL or FIL but I have been more supportive than their grand kids and nieces and nephews. My family is on the other side of the country and I don’t show up for them like I do my spouses. I just feel resentful and taken advantage of. My spouse and I agreed before marriage that MIL would not move in when she is too old to care for herself. After seeing my spouse leave to be by their parents side serval weekends a month I fear that there will be pressure on me once again to give in. There is an quite expectation. I told my spouse recently that I feel like our marriage takes a back seat to their mothers needs. I feel alone in my marriage. My spouse does everything for their Mother and the Mother thinks the sun rises sets in their eyes. Meanwhile I get withdrawn spouse, exhausted spouse, grumpy or sick spouse because they give it all to Mama. I am trying to be supportive and I know this is just another “bad time” to talk to Mama about how she is affecting me. I want to build a life with my spouse, I want to have some fun and enjoy being in my 50’s. I see where life is going and I want to enjoy our time. I don’t know what to do with these feelings. Am I selfish or justified?
You need to set boundaries now with both your spouse and his mother.
You first need to decide what you will 'put up with' and then let others know. When you make a decision and discuss boundaries AND YOUR NEEDS, you must stick to them or the patterns will continue as they are now..
I know this will be a very difficult / hard adjustment to make.
You need to decide on the quality of your own life.
Perhaps seeing a therapist to sort it out could help you now.
STOP trying to be supportive. Do not be a doormat.
Learn to support yourself. If you do not, no one else will and worse, no one will respect you.
Figure out what you are afraid of -
Losing your husband?
Upsetting him?
Being alone?
Having a screaming tantrum mother in the house?
Once you know what is blocking you from asserting yourself, believing that you deserve a quality life (with reasonable accommodations), you will feel and express yourself with assertiveness / clarity. You have to feel this way before you can do it.
Mother needs to be 'put in her place' and she is used to you doing doing and doing for her (out of a good, well meaning heart) although those days are over and have been for some time. If you need to work in a room, get a lock on the door. Find your personal boundaries. It is more than okay to assert yourself. You matter (as much as mother does). And, you 'should' perhaps (?) come first, but that ship seems to have sailed. You either put up with the way things are or you do what you have to do to manage your own life --- and see if your husband supports you/r needs. He either will or he won't. And, then that is your answer.
Gena
I'd also be prepared to shop for a good lawyer if this is not the life you want to live.
Your feelings are valid. I'm so sorry that when you married you didn't know the extent of your spouse's relationship with their mother. MIL came as part of a package deal.
I wish I had good advice on how you handle this now. You're kind of stuck. You can't change your spouse's relationship with their mother. And it has really imposed a huge challenge in your marriage.
You need to tell your spouse how this makes you feel and how much it has affected you. They married you. You deserve to have your own expectations of their time and commitment to you and to the marriage. Don't fight, but speak up and ask for the time that you want from them, AND the boundaries that you want with your MIL. It sounds like you have a pretty good relationship with MIL, and you've been good to her. But, her demands on your time and attention are more than you are willing to continue to give.
Ordinarily, I would suggest that it is not your place to have a talk with Mama about how this is affecting you. That should be up to your spouse. However, if you have a good relationship with her, you may be able to ask her to give you both a little more space for your relationship to thrive. Now probably is not the ideal time, as she is grieving her husband's death, and wants family support.
You deserve happiness in your life. And if this relationship is draining you and not bringing joy, you might need to separate to find what you want in life. I hope your spouse gets the message and gives their mom a little less attention, and gives you more.
If Mama does move into your home, that is a non-negotiable deal breaker! You already agreed on this before marriage! That is your cue to leave. Your spouse has made it clear that their mother is more important to them than you and your feelings.
Perhaps you need to think through the history of your marriage, because neither of you were perhaps stating or acting the way you expected to continue. It’s easy to suspect that DH wanted the marriage for the money, but what was your own motivation? There have been some good times, of course, but if you come to the conclusion that a lot of it was acting, it might be easier to rethink the whole thing.
No more "we" doing anything for your MIL. It's all on your husband. The traveling, the physical work, the texts and phone calls, the visits.
Can you plan some things for you and your husband to do together on the weekends, so that you and he can say no to his mother? Concert or theater tickets, weekend trips to somewhere you've always wanted to go? Trips to see YOUR family? Visits to you by your family?
Think about what you would like to do with your time if your mother-in-law was not an issue. Then start making those plans. Ask your husband to please join you. Hopefully he'll begin to see what he's missing out on.
Keep us posted on how things go.
Like others have said, marriage counseling. Go by yourself if your husband won't. Also, see a divorce lawyer and a financial advisor to protect ALL of your money from any encroachment by him using your money for his mother or to substitute for his availability (him using your money to pay for a repair because he's spending his time making repairs for his mother, for example). This doesn't mean you're initiating a divorce, just that you're protecting yourself and aware of what your rights and resources are in case that, sadly, ends up happening.
Stick to your guns, remind Husband he made vows to YOU, not his parents. You may need to see a divorce lawyer, to know where you stand financially. If you are this unhappy 3 years in, it will never last at this rate.
Your 50's are your best years! The last years you look good, have decent physical abilities left, and still desire romance and adventure. I'd make some "getaway" plans after holidays, and start weaning MIL off expecting you to babysit her, or work free for her every weekend. She will get really NEEDY now that she is alone.
Book a weekend getaway at least every quarter of 2026. MIL can afford a Handyman and knows it. I'd find one locally she'd like. Tell her your Husband has "hurt his back" so no more chores, until doctor says ok. Tell her you found a great guy at good price for her!
I'd make sure Husband still fully agrees Mom WILL NOT BE MOVING IN since Dad died either. You made vows with each other, not his parents! You have every right to be sick of MIL's smothering, and are totally justified. You are also being financially taken advantage of. Start missing her calls, making excuses, and start going away together on weekends, once his dad's funeral is over.
If MIL starts whining, tell her "we realized life is short, and decided to spend more time together before we are unable to...anything can happen, I'm sure you understand this, of course..." How can MIL argue that?
She will probably need to move into AL nearby as she ages alone. She will get much worse and more dependent on you both now! Let MIL know you both decided you are going away every few months to "have some quality alone time together."
What did the in-laws do for you in return financially? Don't believe there will be any inheritance. That's MIL manipulating to control her son. She will need to use her own assets to fund her last years of life. Save your own money for your later years, never count on an inheritance.
Husband needs to tell MIL (when she starts hinting how lonely she is) that she should consider moving into a Senior complex, with activities and people her age. She can socialize and won't be lonely. You both are "too busy working" to have time. Let Husband tell his Mom you will not be her constant "helper/caregiver" especially working full time. Only 24 hours in a day! MIL's health can deteriorate fast, with a mini-stroke or a fall. Suggest she hire a part time housekeeper, to come in a few days a week for a few hrs, for household help and company. She can order groceries delivered. Don't get sucked into helping her anymore for free, have a good excuse ready..."I'd normally help you out, BUT....we are going out to dinner with our friends" or "I booked a Valentine weekend for us" that weekend. Start doing "couples" activities (or say you are).
Make it clear to your husband you do not want your joint funds spent on his parent's properties. It hurts your future! remind him you agreed you will not be MIL's caregiver. Your marriage and your own health will suffer.
Good luck in redefining your future!
Do you and husband have an account where you pool money for house expeditures, groceries? Whats left of your checks are yours? If so, he spends his money on his Mom after he helps pay bills. If she can't even afford the house she lives in, then she sells. Then gets a nice little apartment, using her SS to live and the proceeds of her house as back up. She has options without depending on you.
This is a husband problem.
You need to make clear to him what your boundaries are.
He needs to communicate with his mother and set boundaries.
And this is the tough part.
He needs to follow through.
You also need to maintain the boundaries that you have set.
If your spouse continues to chose his mother over you then the ball is in your court as to what you will do about it.
Keep the status quo and continue to do nothing ...and you know she will move in
You Move out
How did he respond when you "...told my spouse recently that I feel like our marriage takes a back seat to their mothers needs." ?
You left out his response. Or, did he literally say nothing?
Please see a marriage counselor. If he refuses then your next appointment is to discuss things with a divorce attorney. Tell your spouse that your relationship is the priority and that you aren't interested in being the caregiver for MIL and are not her entertainment committee. Her visits make you lose your privacy and causes you to feel overwhelmed. Tell him if your MIL shows up for a visit, you will go stay at a hotel until she leaves. See what he says to this.
Also, if MIL eventually needs facility care she won't qualify for Medicaid while she still owns a second property. I'm not sure of the wisdom of a HE loan paying interest while a property just sits there (and needs to pay taxes on it, etc).
Is your husband even her PoA? If not, this is another disaster waiting to happen and a very clear reason while she can never ever move in (as if you needed another reason).
I wish you clarity, confidence and wisdom as you work through your marital issues and peace in your heart that you're doing your best to navigate this situation.
This is self limiting, really in that FIL has already died, and MIL WILL. Meanwhile hubby is taking on a lot and trying to keep everyone happy.
Sit and GENTLY and honestly tell him that the frequency and length of his trips along with his general exhaustion is truly worrying you for his health. That you and he have a lot of fun things you want to do together when this is all over. That you need him healthy and strong. Ask him what options he sees? Will his mom go into care eventually? Has he any thoughts or plans.
I do feel that you are at home. Yes, you have your home and your pets to care for. So what. You wouldn't have help with that if hubby KILLS HIMSELF with trying to make everyone happy, either.
Talk with your husband. There's a lot on his plate. I am surprised you are so worried for yourself when you aren't doing this, and not for him.
As to prior loving care you gave to his mother, good on you. You did great. But that's over.
This is only my humble opinion. I cannot see anywhere in ALL YOU SAID that your husband EVER asked that you do ANYTHING at all.
He is now torn between you and a demanding mother who just lost her spouse. I truly feel for this man. If you love him, take care that you don't stress him, and thereby LOSE him in all this.
I admire your honesty with us. I have been as honest back as I am able. I may have read this all wrong. Sitting over a cup of coffee is different that communicating in type. Forgive me if that is the case.
I wish you all the best.
The husband has unrealistic ideas , thinking this will not be a killer to a marriage .
And why should OP and her spouse be the maintenance people for the mother’s properties ? OP has been expected to do things and she has . OP helps maintain the properties, doing repairs , chores.
The 50s go by fast. It's a time when our bodies will change and we may not recover as quickly from illnesses. If we're in a relationship and not happy, the 50s are a good time to make a change. That's when we're still well enough and attractive enough to find someone else. See a marriage counselor. Go alone if spouse refuses. Your purpose in seeking help is to decide if you stay or go. (I'd go, but that's just me. Throwing away years of my life in this situation does not appeal. If I were to throw away my life, I'd rather throw it on a funeral pyre of my own choosing rather than a negligent and tone-deaf spouse's.)
Since MIL has no liquid cash , The homes would need to be sold to pay for her care at some point anyway , so don’t you invest any of your money into these homes .
Her homes should be sold , she moves into an apartment and then from there assisted living when necessary .
If husband doesn’t come around , I would not stick around . Then you see a divorce lawyer . You should not be expected to financially support or live with or be a caregiver , maintenance , servant for your MIL or her homes .
Your husband is being selfish because he wants to attempt to preserve inheriting a house , by using your money . NOPE .
I’m very sorry you are in this situation .
You all will be going crazy and getting burned out physically and mentally and emotionally and then what? The properties are gone anyway.
After FIL’s funeral , Time to have a sit down with husband .
Both of you going together to a marriage counselor could help . The counselor may be able to get through to your husband about this .
You MIL dangling inheritance is a way of making you her servants .