Hi all. I am new to this and I am not great at communicating, but I have had a bad year and want some thoughts to help before it gets more frustrating. My father just passed away in Feb which blindsided my mom a bit. He was in very bad shape, but we didn't realize he would give up the way he did. I have been helping my mom get some financial situations resolved the best I can. I then get a lecture afterwards from my spouse on how I shouldn't be focusing on her, but should be focusing on him and the kids. I get super upset since my mom is not asking for much in my eyes, but my spouse feels like she is. There is also the confusing comments made about how my mom should be trying to be independent, but gets frustrated when she doesn't want help. I do not want to tell my mom to figure it out herself, nor do I want to get my husband upset either. There have been very few instances where my mom needed our help quickly, like with her car for instance. Her car was locked with it on at her house. She asked for help since I have her key to unlock it. We drove to the house to help her and spent half the day there due to other issues with the car. My husband was super frustrated because he wanted her to just call roadside to help her. She didn't have it and would have had to pay for it. It then turned into this long daunting lecture from him that she needs to start looking into things like the roadside care so she wouldn't be dependent on us. I do understand that something like that is good to have, but fixed incomes make it hard. Especially when we are nearby. He has also made a comment on how the elderly parents have had their time with their families and it is time for us to focus on ours. The way I wrote this makes him sound bad, he is not at all. I think that he is just being overly dramatic about it and uses it as an excuse for not having much time together. I feel like we are going to hit a huge roadblock soon and want to get it resolved before we really get some consequences from it.
He's not wrong to be on high alert, you know.
And you're not wrong to think that five months is not very long for your mother to be rebuilding her life as a widow.
Mind you, if she's going to continue as a car driver then yes she should have roadside assistance. What if you'd been out? Add getting that sorted to her To Do list.
When you're anxious about something happening, such as getting caught in an avalanche of care needs and demands, it's easy to lose your sense of proportion. Say your mother quite frequently calls on you for help, that can quickly come to feel to him as though she *always* calls you instead of figuring a thing out for herself. It isn't always, but it does feel like it.
Perspective. Proportion. Communication. Those are the things that you both need to work on, and recognize that you both want the same goal: happy, confident, safe mothers, managing independently.
You lost your father only recently, and unexpectedly, so it’s natural for you to be a bit ‘cling-y’ about your mother, as well as upset yourself.
If she wants to live separately and be independent, then helping her too much is going to lead to dependency, not independence. It will be much ‘nicer’ for your mother to call you and have your help, than to work out how to cope herself. It can get to be an expectation very quickly. If independence is to be practical, you all need to make plans that don’t include running to help frequently. If real independence isn't practical, you still need to make plans, but different plans.
Does your husband need to be involved every time you help? Are your kids old enough to pick up a bit of slack if you need to go yourself? This could be when you put meals in the freezer or they learn to cook, for example. Perhaps you need to agree on a block of time, eg to sort out finances, following which you can back off a bit.
As is so often the case, it’s best to sit down together and work out a plan, rather than have friction over each time something comes up. I hope that you can all get it together, best wishes Margaret
It would help us if you told us your and mom's ages as well as how old your kids are. I'm sure you can see that it would make a difference if your kids are 3 and 5 or 19 and 21.
I have a bad habit of "swooping". If anyone presents we with a problem, I tend to swoop in to solve it. It disables the other person from solving their own problems.
When my dad died when mom was 72, we helped her set up things so that she could remain independent. She needed to understand her financial situation and she needed paid help for household tasks like deep cleaning, car repair, snow removal and household maintenance.
This board is literally littered with lives and marriages ruined by folks who overextended themselves because they thought they were obligated to prop up their parents' charade that they were independent.
If your mom is going to be independent, she needs systems in place for support AND she needs to have the presence of mind to use those resources. If she can't do that, she needs to re-think the level of support needed to maintain herself.
If you are an older single person who drives, you need roadside assistance. Can she change a tire? Then she needs either AAA or figure out if one of her credit cards offers a similar service.
My only suggestion would be couples counseling.
If your Dad was in such bad shape, he should have prepared Mom in case he died. TG my Dad passed before Mom because he had no idea how to write a check. Mom handled everything. My sister, had 30% chance to survive Cancer. Had a 6 yr old son and made no pervisions for him. My brother had to go to court to declare her son her heir. She had no beneficiary for her insurance and no Will.
Since your Dads death is still pretty new, I may tell DH that this will be forever. In my State probate can't be closed for 8 months. Depending on Moms age, once you get it all cleared up, if she doesn't know already, you need to teach her how to do what she needs to do. If her house will be too much to keep up, maybe sell and use the proceeds to help offset the cost of an apt in a 55 and up complex. If keeping a car will be too much, then using the Senior bus to get her to appts and shopping. If ur still raising a family, then she needs to be as independent as possible. I have friends who are 73 still working f/t. You cannot be Moms everything.
This has been a very helpful forum to get an extra perspective. Thanks again
Entering 60, I feel every woman should be totally responsible for their own decisions. It is good reminder for all as we can except to live 20-30 years.
All my friends this age work, travel, socialize, take courses ,don‘t see any of them requiring children‘s help, I think if kids interfere there would not be pleased to say politely.
Although being in finance it is easy for me to navigate all financial matters, but, I am surprised how some women still defer to men.
But, after my husbands surgery and subsequent staying in rehab facility for a month, I needed to figure out car maintenance, good thing having AMA.
Let her learn herself, with minimum involvement.
If she was a person who stayed at home and was taken care of financially and otherwise by your dad, she has developed the habit of asking for things to be done for her.
She now needs to exercise her own agency in accomplishing these everyday tasks like oil changes, saving for retirement and the like.
I highly recommend www.bogleheads.org as a financial education site. If she has debt, she should check out Dave Ramsey (but not his investment advice).
You say she is on a "fixed income"?
Has she considered getting a job? Has she filed for survivor benefits from SS?
Check out OpenSocialSecurity.com for good advice on when to claim.
Tell him to grow up, step up to take up the slack with the kids, and to rest assured that once he's gone YOU'LL be plenty prepared to take care of yourself, because you know how.
He, on the other hand is demonstrating the neediness he's criticizing your mom about, so he should be embarrassed.
We need to remember that in the early stages of a death of a loved one especially a long marriage the sting of it makes you in a fog. You need help from any source that will offer it. You have had this same routine for many years and then everything changes.
It's easy for us on the other end thinking we already have enough to do make them self-sufficient. I have often found the one's who say that when they are in that situation of a loved one passing, they crumble.
It takes a while and people need our support. Every person is different but think how you would like to be treated if your spouse died. When the shoe is on the other foot.
Helping your mom transition is ok, but 24/7 attendance is uncalled for.
Let's just get down to it, how much time per week are you devoting to mom and her situation? It has only been 4 months but by this point, you should be seeing some progress with your mother. What does she need help with that takes up enough time that your husband has concerns?
Yes, make a plan to get her on her feet, then do what you should be doing making your children & husband your priority.
Set a timeline and advise your husband of what it is, share your progress with him, so that he will start to see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Sit down with DH and have an honest conversation about mom. Tell him you want to help her BECOME a bit more independent, but that it won't happen overnight (most likely). What time frame does HE think would be reasonable? Go from there. Remember, HE has a TRULY elderly mother (where you do not) who WILL need plenty of help coming up here at some point. Are you planning to have a meltdown when HE needs to go to his mom's side to help her? Probably not, is my guess. Because it's team work on both parts here that makes the dream work, I always say that. You can't expect empathy from DH with your mom and have none for him with his mom (not that that would be the case, just citing an example). Have THAT talk with him; that you plan to be there for HIS mom in her time of need, and would like that same courtesy extended to you and your mom.
Then get busy teaching mom to fish rather than giving her free fish. Like that old adage goes:
Give a man a fish and feed him for a day
Teach a man to fish and feed him for life.
Mom needs to learn how to stand on her own two feet now, w/o a husband and w/o a daughter to do everything FOR her. Mom has to do for HERSELF now, with once-in-a while help from you. Sign up for AAA, get a job to subsidize a fixed income, even if it's work from home, volunteer your time with sick kiddos, things like that. Get back into the business of living now, in other words. Make plans to be self sufficient mom, it's time now. Slowly but surely, hopefully she will do just that.
If not, she needs to think about moving into a senior apartment whereby there are lots of senior activities to partake in. And other seniors to schmooze with and no upkeep of her home to speak of. Look into affordable places like that NOW and get mom's name on the waiting list. You'll be glad you did. You don't want another child to raise in addition to your real children. I had one of those, my mother, and promptly got her into Independent Living and then Assisted Living which turned into Memory Care. Had I not done that, the woman would have sucked me dry in short order. Or, dryER than she did in the 10.5 years she lived close by.
Have a plan and stick to that plan, you and DH together. Present a united front in how you intend to deal with mom and you'll be stronger together as a result. He feels neglected b/c you're spending too much time with mom, plus he sees the handwriting on the wall about the future when she will be even NEEDIER than she already is. Not good. Nip this in the bud now, that's my suggestion. But in a planned and executed way, kindly, and together, you and he.
GOOD LUCK!
She is not helpless, but I feel like she just doesnt know. I am hoping to be able to have the short help for her and her learn from it. "Like the teach to fish comment" ( I like).
And sorry, hopefully nothing comes to everyone as me being sensitive or offensive. I have a hard time communicating as it is and writing isnt much easier.
I'm 62 years old. Everyone that I know that is from 62-67 is working at paid jobs in my circle.
If money is tight can Mom get a job?
Churches have free grief support groups where Mom can meet new friends.
Can you get Mom grief counseling? Sometimes it is available at no charge.
If money is tight for Mom the emphasis should be on getting her working. She will meet new friends at work and become more self sufficient.
AA membership is $50. I'd get her a membership and tell her how to use it.
Does she know her neighbors? Have you met her neighbors?
Many times neighbors are happy to help with the small things.
Did your Dad maintain everything?
your principal relationship. Husband should be there for you as well, which might mean pitching in a bit.
But husband & kids come first AS DOES YOUR HEALTH & wellbeing. It’s a balancing act for most of us: give Mom love & support, but never lose sight of which relationship you must put first.
Can you set some boundaries with mom and limit the time spent with her to please your husband? Cut back on the hours and days spent there. Encourage socializing with her friends.
Hire some part time help for mom to fill in for you.
Do as much online to save you running to her home more. For my mom and husband's aunt all the shopping is done online & delivered. All bills and insurance info go to my sister's email. The banking & bill pay is done online. They both have visiting physicians that come to their homes. Labs and xrays are done at home. They both have caregivers, one has PT and the other has FT. Every little step helps immensely.
Not sure of your mom's age or health and all that needs to be shared so correct advise can be given. From your post she seems to be in pretty good health if she is mobile and still driving.
Why is he so cold towards another human being who IS family? Why does he get to pick who is family and who isn't?
You are gonna have to get some *****. Why are you letting him talk to you like that? You better learn how to communitate fast.
If it were me I'd tell him exactly what is going to happen. That he can shut it, because that is your mother and your family. Not some stranger. And to bad he doesn't like it. Next time don't involve him.
Go there yourself and stop discussing it with him. I bet he would claim family if your mom passed and an estate involved.
When he asks, its none of his business.
It sounds like you have doted on him so much, he can't stand to see you help anyone else. So what if he starts in on you. Too bad for him. Tell him go male a sandwich. Walk away. Let him sulk. Stop letting him wear you down. An9ther person does not have that right to do that. Get a backbone. That's not how adults handle situations. He doesn't get to control you or what happens in life. That is really cold that he thinks your mom has to fend for herself, because it inconveniences him.
I'd tell him if he needs help or gets infermed you might abandon him. After all you have children to care for. And stop catering to him bc I think you might have helped create this man baby problem.
My husb went to help his mom fix something. She lives in assisted living. He spent the entire day there. He told me he was going to go see her. I said OK. I didn't say they have paid maint staff to fix things, so she doesn't need you to do it. Or its a ruse to get him to go see her. Which knowing her, it was. So what. I didn't even ask what he fixed. Nothing. I said did you have a nice visit? I didnt say you better pick me over her. That is his mother! You need to step up and be the adult and tell him you are not abandoning your mom. Keep some extra meals in the deep freeze. He can learn to dethaw and feed the kids. Too bad. Stop letting him brow beat you.
You only mention the one example of helping mom with the car lockout turning into the better part of a day dealing with her car issues. If this is but one example of many, he definitely has a point.
I am 63 years old myself. Women of my generation are generally not helplessly dependent on someone else to function in the world. My mother, age 84, is pretty self sufficient herself. My MIL was not. She pretty much called my husband (expecting action) with everything large and small that was a problem or made her uncomfortable. So I’ve lived both sides and I can tell you which is less stressful!
It is great that you obviously love your mom and want to help. I also think she deserves some grace to deal with the loss of her husband. If she truly was sheltered in her married life to the extent that she doesn’t know how to deal with ordinary situations, then yes, you probably will need to help her educate herself. What I would do is start by acknowledging to my husband his very valid points: 1. My first priority is our own family and 2. Mom needs to become more self sufficient. Ask for his help and ideas how we can make that happen. Be a team instead of lining up on opposite sides. The commenters criticizing him for not being sympathetic to her loss will make you feel good but it won’t help the situation.
Also, how old is your mother? It's very reasonable to allow her to be more independent if she's capable of it. Keep in mind that as she does get older, she will likely become more dependent on you as her health declines, so it would be good to cherish this time with your husband and kids now while she still can be independent. Once health declines, it can be like having a part-time job. I don't mean to make caring for a parent seem like work--but it is. I have an 80-year-old mother-in-law who had a stroke and I also have a 6-month-old son. Trying to care for her and raise a new baby is extremely hard. We love her very much. But it can put a real strain on a marriage if you're not careful.
My Faith tells me not to withhold good - or help - from others when it's in my power to act, (Proverbs 3:27 & Galatians 6:10) so it's clear to me that your husband is in the wrong here.
What do you do? Well, there's most likely nothing you can do to change his heart toward helping your mother. So I'd just leave him out of him from now on. I don't know why you can't take your children along and let them spend time with their grandmother while you model care and kindness.
(I'm not saying to let your mother run over you or take advantage unnecessarily.)
You might want to spend some time considering what the future may hold if and when you mother's needs increase.
As you are speaking about parental care being yours and husbands only issues I think this could be quickly handled in the offices of a licensed social worker in private practice counseling. They are great at life transitions work.
This doesn't mean that after all is said and done in that office you will always agree. You won't. But the one who has the elder is the "decider" as they say; they feel they are the most responsible for the outcome, and they ARE the most responsible. Therefore they make their own decisions.
You and your husband have likely survived other disagreements that come in other time frames in any marriage. The attitude is that this is but one more, and you can work on it together instead of the endless circular arguments of who is right.
Get help and I wish you the very best. Don't look for the "ideal answer". They never exist, and you can get lost in the jungles of searching for them.