Son in denial. How do I handle this?

Someone who is not familiar with dementia patients, feels annoyed by the behavior of one person with dementia, because they may look normal at first, until they start speaking non-sense. It's not the same thing when you're are asked to babysit for a toddler, because you already know what to expect..

I wouldn’t even talk to that son after his abuse. That’s what it is when they dump a vulnerable elder, not even at the er, but to be totally alone when they are a 247.

Next time find a memory care respite or hire dad 247. There will be more money as son may as well consider himself disinherited. If his children are equally unhelpful, disinherit them too.

Do you take your husband to a Neurologist? Maybe son should come with you on an appt and the Doctor can explain.

Tell the son the problem he had with Dad is the ALZ. Dad cannot be reasoned with anymore. He is becoming self-centered and his short-term memory loss causes him to repeat. The disease is killing his Dads brain. There will come a time when you will have to place him. Its like dealing with a toddler. And his Dad can't help it. Tell son to read up on ALZ.

WOW!!! His son obviously isn't the brightest bulb in the box is he? How a grown a__ man could think it safe to leave his dad with dementia all alone for 6 days, because he got tired of hearing the same story over and over, speaks VOLUMES of just how ignorant he is.
Perhaps you may want him to read the responses that you get to your question.
Your question at the end you ask how to handle this, and to that I would say, make sure that next time you have to leave to go anywhere for several days, that you have your husband placed in some kind of respite facility, where you will have peace of mind that he will be well taken care of and will be with people that understand the disease.
You can also buy the book "The 36 Hour Day" for his son(that's if he can read) and also ask him to watch some of Teepa Snows videos on YouTube about Alzheimer's/dementia. As you are aware, education is key in this disease. But sadly often we can only bring a horse to water, but we can't make them drink.
Best wishes.

It is part of the struggle with alz in our country, perhaps everywhere, that people really do not understand the disease. That the brain is broken. As you said, his son is in denial.

See a qualified elder attorney for a consultation to help you plan for your future. This will be different than with your mom because you are older and already burned out and what happens to your DH will affect you financially. There are things you can do to arrange your finances in order not to be left impoverished and be able to give your husband the care he will require. At 79 he could live a long time. It will be money well spent.


The son is not going to take care of his dad. You have had a preview.

Was the son completely unaware of his father's Alzheimer's diagnosis in 2018? Did you brief him beforehand on what to expect and how to handle dad's behaviors, or was he totally blindsided? In any event, there was NO EXCUSE for dumping dad off alone at home where he could've died!

Based on your profile, you seem annoyed with DHs behaviors yourself. Which is not to say that Alz isn't frustrating to deal with, it is. But what lengths have you gone to to educate yourself as his caregiver? Have you considered placement in Memory Care Assisted Living? Have you watched Teepa Snow videos on how to help an elder with Alz bathe? How about hiring in home aides to help with that task? Go to Alz.org to read up on tips and ideas for help with coping mechanisms.

Download "Understanding the Dementia Experience" by Jennifer Ghent Fuller, an excellent 33 pg booklet written in plain English for caregivers to AD patients.

Pick up a copy of Living in the Labyrinth which is one woman's journey with AD. And The 36 Hour Day, a great reference guide to help you with every day questions.

Share this info with your stepson so he can learn about his father's disease also. What seems "rude" to him is something his father can't help but something he CAN learn about and understand better.

Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation. You have a lot to deal with, so make sure to take time out to care for yourself too. You are just as important as HE is in all of this!

By "in denial," what do you mean exactly?

Doesn't sound like denial to me. More like sublime cluelessness.

The important thing: was your DH okay?

Obviously the son is either totally in denial or more likely, doesn't understand the full implications of and behaviors associated with dementia. That being said, packing his father up and leaving him alone for 6 days is really unthinkable. Son sounds like an a**.

The son is mentally unstable and dangerous to your husbands situation. Please use services like "Visiting Angels" or "Care.com." They are professionals. As the saying goes, "You get what you pay for."

As a son who took care of his Mom, I am sickened to read your post. This sounds like a clear case of elder abuse. If he really cared, he would have already known details of his Father's condition. No excuses for what he did.

There are a few things missing from your post. Has your husband been evaluated for dementia? Have you kept his son informed of his father's condition? Has he received any training/advice about how to care for his father? It seems he wasn't well prepared to care for him for such an extended period of time. Not that his actions are excusable--they are not. But this doesn't seem like something people just pick up on the fly, he needs to know what he's getting into.

First, I'm sorry this happened to your husband. I'm sure he was mixed up and confused with what went on by you being away and what his son done. Thankfully he was okay. You're not going to like what I've got to say to you though....You come across to me as thinking it was okay in the first place to ask son to care for his dad. What made you feel he was capable of staying with his dad for 10 days 24/7? You do know some people are not able to care for patients do to lack of understanding what ALZ disease is all about? Sounds like son was willing to do you a favor, but after 4 days it was too much for him to bare. It's not just about repeated asked questions as we all know. Did you warn son what his dad is going through and what to expect or did you just dump husband on his son and beat it out of town? I'm sure you needed the getaway, but you didn't plan it very well. Would you dump a child on a babysitter that had never babysat before? You sounded desperate for a sitter instead of a caregiver. Worse yet, you didn't leave a back up plan for son in case son got sick or no longer able to care for dad. Did you ever tell a babysitter who'd never babysat before who to call or what to do in case she needed help with your child? This was not an overnight job, it was a 10 day respite for you.
Your son got desperate because he couldn't handle the situation. What son did was wrong for sure. I'll even bet he didn't know what to do in this case. Desperate people go to desperate measures. 10 days, 24/7 is too much for a lot of people. I hope this is a lesson learned. In the future if you are going away, hire a professional caregiver. Yes, it may cost you a bit of money. This whole thing could have been prevented. Would you put a cook in a mechanics shoes? A chef in a Drs shoes? A gardener in an accountants shoes? Don't put a person in charge of an ALZ patient that has no experience in such matters. . Especially for that long if a span! Just because you have experienced such behavior from husband doesn't mean everyone else can handle the same as you. Believe me when i say, son will never volunteer for this job ever again. Lesson learned for him as well.

You don't mention what the issue is with your husband...has he been diagnosed with dementia??? Was the son fully educated on what the dad can and can't do and how to manage his care? Regardless, going forward, the son cannot be trusted to care for his father and he sounds like an a**.

You're going to have to find someone different to care for your husband should you need to leave town again.

People are idiots when it comes to this disease. My uncle asked my mom why she hadn't made him a sweet potato pie for Thanksgiving like she always had. I responded with "she doesn't know how to work the oven or even recognize that it's Thanksgiving! Your sister had dementia!" I finally told my aunt that it didn't matter whether he was in denial about mom or not, because it doesn't change her outcome one way or the other.

Sounds like son was not aware of the extent of his father’s disease. While repeating the same questions over and over is annoying, it is a part of this awful disease. When you accept it, the repetition doesn’t bother you. You understand. Perhaps son didn’t know that his father had this behavior. Still, packing father up and leaving him alone is unbelievable!

Not knowing the extent of your husband’s dementia, was your husband ok on your return? Was he able to take care of himself while he was alone? Did he eat?

I would think the poor man was beside himself. I’m so sorry he went through that, that you came home to that, and that your idiot son didn’t call you immediately rather than dump his dad back home alone.

Patwisc: That was unacceptable, to say the least, that your husband was left alone for six days. Good heavens - how did your husband survive? Your husband's son should have ALREADY known his father's medical condition of Alzheimer's since you state his dx in your profile. I cannot fathom how your husband endured being left alone for six days in relation to his food stuffs and fluid intake, let alone his well being. His son stated that his father should have been embarrassed; most likely his disease has taken that ability away.