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My MIL just passed away at 102 and it was very peaceful. Not only was I her main caregiver, POA, etc. but I am married to her son (78) who is slowly dying in hospice care at a facility for almost 3 years. He has FTD (frontal temporal dementia) and vascular dementia. My heart aches every minute for him. Thank God I am able to have him in a wonderful facility! I go in every day to feed him because I want to! If I need to go somewhere then I call ahead and they take over. My MIL was independent at another retirement village living her best life. Three weeks ago my son flew in from LA (we live in PA) and he had a nice visit with her. One week later she passed away. She was very demanding to me since FIL passed 10 years ago and I’m the only family member able to take over all her needs. I’m POA, etc. I’m emotionally exhausted - my husband is deteriorating and I miss “us” and are married 50 years. I’m 73 and am just now addressing some medical problems.My son is SO MAD that I didn’t have a full blown funeral for her and tell him! I told him we discussed it and NOBODY is left to go! We decided on a graveside burial. He now claims he would’ve flown home (2 weeks later?). For a graveside prayer that lasted 5 minutes? Are you kidding me????? He was just here and visited her for 2 hours! Isn’t it a blessing he was able to do that while she was well and alive? All he does is act all pissy with me! Sooooo, yesterday I let him have it coast-to coast - I said “you have the audacity to talk to me while my plate is overflowing with grief and decisions and I don’t feel well? YOU MOVED OUT THERE NOT ME so get over it because you have no freaking choice!” Period! My other son was on a business trip in Germany and understands I have to do what I have to do. BTW my oldest is 48 and the one who could’nt come in is 42. How should I handle this? He’ll be home for Christmas and this may come up. He has no children and his wife is close mouthed and won’t give an opinion either way! Ugh!!!

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I'm sorry you're dealing with all this stuff. At this point, your older son has said his piece, you've said yours (BTW, I agree with you, not with him). If I were in your position, I probably would stop talking about MIL; if your son wants to bring it up, he can, and you can ignore him. There's enough time between now and Christmas that you don't need to come up with a plan yet for how to deal with potential in-person spats.
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Reply to Rosered6
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Beethoven13 14 hours ago
If I were the original poster, I would do ask you suggested, don’t bring up mil. If the son brings it up, I agree with the many responses here. I did the best I could under difficult circumstances. That’s it. If son wants a service that probably only he and his wife and maybe brother and wife might attend, he can arrange it and pay and coordinate it. You can attend if you want but don’t do any of the work. While the sons and DIL are visiting for 48 hours at Christmas and doing the gourmet cooking, I suggest you ask them to attend to their father and feed him 3 meals and bring his supplies and give you a full 24 hours off to go do whatever you want. This can be their gift to you. Your gift to them, a better understanding of what caregiving is really like.
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You did the right thing for you. You are under a lot of stress with your husband's decline. Do NOT feel bad. Your son can go visit his grandmother's grave to pay his respects when he is visiting.

My father died in June. He was 98. My sisters (who are twins) have had a huge falling out. They can no longer be in the same room together. They hate each other that much. My mother's funeral two years ago was a fiasco because of them and I decided I didn't want a repeat performance and told both of them I wouldn't be coming to any funeral for our father.

My one sister has our mother's ashes and the other has my father's. I have no clue if there was an internment yet and if there was, did both of my sisters show up or not. They were also fighting over my father's flag. My one sister wants to give it to her son and the other wants to give it to her grandson.

I just decided to sit this out for my mental health. I cannot fix this and I cannot make it better.

I had a mass said for my parents in the local church here where I live. My husband and I went on Friday to attend it. When I go back to NY next month I hope to pay my respects if they are finally interred. But who knows.

You cannot make this stuff up.
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Reply to Hothouseflower
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Tell your son if he wanted a "full blown funeral" for grandma, that HE should've taken over the arrangements, the costs and everything else associated with the "show" and advised you of the time and place. And if he wants the same for dad, the same thing applies.

For some reason, many adult children are under the delusion that we moms are Superwoman with the ability to juggle 5 chaotic crises on our plates at once. While wearing pearls, of course, and having our hair done once a week at the beauty parlor.

My condolences on the loss of your dear MIL, the state of your husband's health, and the lack of empathy on your son's part.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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It’s done and you handled it just fine. No need to discuss it anymore at all. If it comes up again tell pouty son you’ve moved on and aren’t talking about it again. I wish you rest and peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Katybr 17 hours ago
Well said and will do!
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WOW...What an entitled brat. I'd tell him if he wanted a fancy funeral, he could come there, arrange it and pay for it. Otherwise keep his disrespectful mouth shut. You are doing a hard job taking care of everything and suffering the sadness of your husband's illness.
You are a true hero in my book! I wish you the strength to get through all this stress and not hear anymore BS from your son. He should be ashamed of himself.
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Katybr 17 hours ago
Dawn, your description of my son’s words towards me are exactly what I said to myself in the car. Normally, he is always accommodating to me and trying to treat me to things when he comes home. If he has a business trip to Europe or East Coast, he tries to make a short detour home and grab another flight to his destination. We live near Philly not too far from airport.
This “thing” about my MIL has only surfaced in the last 6-7 years as I started complaining (b******g) about her attitude around then.
I found out from my husband and his brother and other family members what a narcissist his mother was and it fit all the suspicions I had. I got angry with myself for not listening to family members who knew her way before me. I’m a person that wants to find out for myself. I sure did. Never babysat, it was always an excuse. Lived in Florida for 8 months/yr. so the in-laws missed a LOT of their grandchildren’s milestones. My parents were the polar opposite.
For some reason my eldest son (my sons are 5 years apart) just cannot take a conversation of anything negative about my MIL. And his wife is no help - she’s a lovely person from a lovely family where grandma was revered and she doesn’t want to be in the room when my son and I even “get into it” so I hold it back. It’s not like they live close - too far to start ugly words and fight. I tell my other son - he listens, but, doesn’t take sides. Listens is so imperative especially during these difficult times I have now. I wasn’t close emotionally to my MIL due to her behavior and my FIL was a bombastic know-it-all. So, there you have some background info.
Yes, everything you said is spot on. I agree. I’m not giving excuses for him at all, just some background on MY relationship with the deceased. I wasn’t tight with her and didn’t act it for my husband’s sake. He didn’t need that on top of a diagnosis in his 60’s of FTD and Vascular dementia.
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Where is "home" at Christmas? I hope it isn't at your house! Tell everyone that you are too griefstricken and focused on your husband to participate in whatever Christmas takes place this year. Your health will not allow it. It is the truth.

There is no way that you should cater to your son's temper tantrum. I'm glad you told him off, and if you need to, do it again. Aside from that, peace on earth goodwill to all!

FYI, my husband is in the same situation that yours is. If he survives that long, I will be with him as much as possible over the holidays. There are many ways to celebrate Christmas. Being with bratty adult kids is not even on the list.
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Reply to Fawnby
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Tell him he was given a gift, he was able to see his grandmother hardy and healthy before her death. Not all of us get that.

I think COVID taught us we do not need a big elaborate funeral to say good bye. My husband and I are not affilated with a Church. Our parents, Aunts and Uncles are gone. Siblings are 7 to 18 hours away. One brother I have not seen since Mom died. You don't care about me before my death, don't come to my funeral. We are having no services. We are being cremated. Told my girls they can have dinner on me and who they want to join them.

I agree, why would son come back for a 5 min graveside service. He can visit her when he is home again. You have enough on your plate to worry about this.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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I'm sorry for both of your losses(MIL and husband who's still alive but yet gone). You've been through alot and are still going through alot, so ignore what your ignorant son has said and just get on with trying to take care of yourself while still going to see your husband, as your caregiving journey isn't over yet.
Bottom line is that you were your MIL's POA so you got to make all the final choices that you thought were best for all involved, and that's exactly what you did.
So hold your head high and if and when the subject comes up again, tell your son to just shut up and remind him who was in control and that if he wanted to be his grandma's POA he should have spoken up sooner so she could have been transferred out to LA to be under his watchful eye.
Then and only then could he have made the final decisions. Hopefully that will shut him up.
May God bless and keep you as you travel this difficult road with your precious husband.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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What's done is done. You handled it fine, so kudos to you. Christmas is a long way off, so don't fret about something that hasn't happen and may never happen.

If he brings it up again you can politely and calmly tell him "I already gave you all the reasons for doing what I did, and nothing has changed. If you continue to ride me about it I'm going to receive that as disrespect, cluelessness and selfishness. I'm done talking about it forever. Pass the salt."

Take really good care of yourself and I wish you all the best going forward.
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Katybr 15 hours ago
Love it! Pass the salt AND pepper!
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People deal with grief in different ways, and sometimes it is anger at whomever is convenient. In this case, it was sadly you. I'm sorry. He's totally out of line. It might blow over with time and he'll eventually apologize when he gets over some of the grief and regains some perspective on your reality. I also wonder if your MIL was complaining about you during his last visit with her, maybe setting this up somehow? People with NPD are good at pitting people against each other, claiming 'poor me' no one will even have a funeral when I'm gone, etc., to frame you as the bad guy.
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Reply to ShirleyDot
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Katybr 15 hours ago
Hmmm…….I am wondering the same thing. I let he and his wife visit her alone all the time. It’s such a small apartment and we are so pressed for time with plans and visiting their dad everyday, it’s just how it works out. I see her every week - I want to get some things done so they drive over. I now wonder if she was planting the seed that I might not be up to her liking? She does tell everyone she has no clue how she’d make it without my help. Every time she falls I have to go and sign her into the hospital if that’s the route they take. She always tells the nurses not to call me because she says I have enough on my plate dealing with her son at the home he’s in. I don’t know why she’d be negative to my son about me, but, it’s not impossible! I’ll never know unless the opportunity arises and HE brings it up. I will never ask! As far as I’m concerned, it’s a dead subject. No pun intended.
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