My mother hates me so my sister thinks moving her to San Diego is going to solve the problem. I think she will soon just start hating her because she will be the one close to her not me. Am I all wrong?
Yes send her to your sisters id love my sister to have mum for awhile! she will treat her exactly the same after awhile AND your sister will appreciate you more! they always hurt the one whose closer!
Sunflo is very wise. For me there was a "honeymoon" period of a few months. She was happy to get company and have someone there to fulfill her needs. When I started to get a little life of my own she became resentful of my absence and I became resentful of feeling like a prisoner. I found that I could not make her happy, keep her safe, be her little companion and her Mother all at the same time. It was too much and since I got very little respite I burned out. She is going to an assisted living facility next month where hopefully she will get all the attention she needs and desires and we can have a loving relationship once again. Enjoy the time but watch out for the ping-ponging that is most likely going to happen. Once she goes into assisted living that is it - no more back and forth and no more wild goose chases trying to make her happy because I cannot make her 20 again.
Oh---added thot: If Mom is still pretty lucid, and does one of her outbursts or behaviors, you might say something glide "How terribly frustrating it is to age into so many more limits" or something like it--letting her know you see how much she's lost, and that you know it feels terrible to no longer be able to do what she used to do.
Sometimes, that can help reduce a bad behavior episode, tame it, help Mom feel like you understand better. One of the fears is that caregivers are clueless how she feels---your verbalizing your observation, validates to her her feelings, and, that you do see it.
She doesn't hate you now; not unless she always hated you. She REALLY hates the losses of age and infirmity, and lacks ability to verbalize about those--it turns into very personal-sounding attacks on the caregiver or others. If someone always had some mental issues, which caused them to always have a "target person" upon which to do battle, sling hateful accusations, etc., it could be related to that, and once her world has diminished enough, that "target" becomes her caregiver by default.
My Mom was like that a most of her life; target persons included multiple spouses, mother-in-laws, co-workers, and in the end, her kids----she's done almost irreparable damage to our household; my other siblings refuse to talk about it, but I'm certain she has caused similar in theirs, too, since she has in the past--she repeats behaviors over time. Aging, and aging Brain, make that worse.
Even with mental ills, though, it's absolutely more about fears for their survival, and the loss of autonomy. Giving up freedoms, possessions, abilities, etc., really are at the root of their anger! It's common to pick on one or two target-people. As their world gets smaller, they can focus in laser-like at their caregiver, for instance. They can exhibit explosive rage out-bursts; my Mom can keep those going for HOURS at a time; it's fairly impossible to tell what triggers them; she can turn-on-a-dime.
It's important to avoid taking elder's nasty comments and behaviors personally----that is VERY hard to do---it's Mom, for gosh sakes! But it's critically important, for YOUR survival and well-being, to NOT take it personally---each time she does it, you think to yourself: "That's not Mom, it's her illness". But one can only do that for so long, and depending on other circumstances.
Now, if siblings and others climb on-board Mom's wagon-load of B-S, THAT's a problem. I had Mom here for 6 years. The honeymoon period lasted, MAYBE 6 months, then it was downhill and worse, the rest of the time here. It wore us to end-stage frazzles. When she got moved out of here, to a sibling's home in another State, she lasted 2 years there----that sibling NEVER admits problems, claims "we get along fine".....yet, it was only about a year into that, when a 3rd sibling started saying a few things like "maybe Mom should come stay with us for a while"--she KNEW the 2nd one was having troubles. Once Mom's moved out of the 2nd sib's house [twice], 2nd sibling couldn't wait to empty out that room, strip it, remodel it, make it ANYthing BUT a bedroom. Mom's now on that disabled 3rd sibling in line......one least able to manage her, due to her own disabilities and her spouses' illnesses----but she insisted, and finally went to fetch Mom to a 3rd State. We'll see. None of them helped me when Mom was here---no moral support or constructive suggestions; they were push-overs for Mom to divide and conquer us, and shun me. They bought into Mom's lies, and still do; it's not just Mom who slandered, gaslighted, yelled and abused----so have they.
No amount of trying to speak with them about keeping a unified front among us, in dealing with Mom, helped at all--in fact, it seemed to make them dig in and believe Mom's lies yet more---they are their Mother's children---since they spent most time growing up with her, they have been most programmed by her. THAT is something to beware of.
If Mom seems too adept at "divide and conquer", and "gaslighting" [like the movie, "Gaslight"], you might need to distance yourself from her, and siblings, for some time, to protect yourself.
Take this as a pressure-relief period, letting Sis take Mom to stay with her. She will learn, up-close and personal, how Mom is. She probably wouldn't believe it just by your trying to talk with Sis about Mom's behaviors--she has to see it herself.
Unless you have more family members to wear out, once Mom has worn out her welcome, Sis will either be eager to find Mom a facility to live in, OR, Sis will be begging you to take Mom back. YOU must decide if you are equal to that task-----keep in mind, Mom's mental/emotional state will get worse, from moving, from ills, and from time passing. IF you think about taking her back into your home, after Sis can't do it anymore, you must keep that at forefront of your consciousness in choosing what to do.
WHOEVER's got Mom with them, needs to have some Legal capability to handle Mom's affairs. Each family member who ACTUALLY has Mom under their roof caring for her, needs legal documents to help with Mom's personal affairs, insurance, medical, financial, and death. The caregiver must know how to handle various kinds of medical coverage, for instance.....Like, if she has a Medicare Advantage Plan, and is not in her regular geographical area when needing care, she MUST go to the E.R., or the Advantage Plan will not pay on the claim despite what they say they will. IF she wants to donate her body to science, have those documents on hand wherever she is living.
Things might also go just fine with her at Sister's place. Ya just never know until it's tried.
Please keep us posted how it goes! Folks here are great morale support, good at validating what you observe, and have great suggestions.
Is there some sort of thing where elders with dementia just refuse to allow anyone to help or accept anything that might improve their lot? I get that with my mom: she won't get a hearing aid or try meds that might help her (for example) and she just gets worse and more bitter and disconnected. I get that she hates her situation in many ways (hard time walking, remembering, etc.) but isn't it practical to accept some help and at least make a try of it instead of just hating everything?
Yes, they hate the person doing the most. Both my parents are like that. Both 89. Last 3 years total totally bad dream that I kept hoping to wake up from but the dream kept getting worse. So Sorry. Very hard to accept.
She does not hate you, she hates the loss of independence, the loss of control over her own life. Moving her will only increase her resentment. She will badmouth your care for about a month, then realize that sis has the control. Sis will then be the bad guy and she will want to move back. You might call that the "Ping-Pong" phase. At that point you send Ping-Pong to Assisted Living so she can complain about them, instead of either one of you.
Thank goodness you have a sister who is willing to help. Of course, it won't solve the problem, but at least she tried (as did you). You need some air space, too. Get your sister lined up with this website so she knows what to expect. It has been a godsend to me!
Those caring for dementia patients have to learn never to take expressions of hate personally. It can be tough to d this, but it must be remembered that those with dementia are not themselves.
I am sorry this has happened, but it is not all that unusual.
Whatever your Mum says, she is the one that bore you, cared for and nurtured you, and the personality she displays now is not really her. Dementia affects the mind and alters the personality. Please do try to bear with the negative things and continue to love and care for your mother.
The comments here are absolutely right. Your mother hates her situation, her disease, her loss of independence. It has nothing to do with you. For a short period of time, she may be happier, but it won't last because nothing will change about her disease.
Training and education in caring for someone who has dementia can help to a degree, but that often comes down to acceptance of the disease on the part of the caregiver. If your sister's personality is such that she can do this, the arrangement may work out better, but this still doesn't mean that she is a better daughter or that your mother really hates you. Most likely, after the first days or weeks, nothing will be different.
That being said, it sounds like you've taken your turn and it's time to let your sister do the caregiving for now. You deserve a life of your own and you don't deserve abuse. I'd go along with your sister if you think she can do a fairly decent job of caring for your mother.
Eventually, your mother may need professional help. Then, it may come down to which state provides the best services for their aging seniors. It wouldn't hurt for you and your sister to compare these services early on so that decisions can be made when help is needed.
Good luck, my friend. Please don't be hard on yourself. You didn't fail. It's time to pass the torch to someone fresh. Carol
First, your mother doesn't hate you; that is the dementia talking. Second, send her to your sister. It would be wonderful if she is happy with your sister and you would get a wonderful break from the dementia. Third, enjoy yourself during your respite and regain your life. Fourth, prepare for the phone call from your sister by checking out facilities where your mother will be distracted by many activities and kept safe. Fifth, stop feeling guilty, your sister wants to help, let her, your sister doesn't know what you are dealing with on a day-to-day basis, but she will, and then you can begin a collaborative effort to find care for your mother. I certainly learned! Signed, I could be the sister!
Most probably yes. Dementia is pretty unpredictable. Mom may "hate" you because you remind her of her fourth grade teacher who made her life miserable. Maybe your sister will remind her of her favorite person in the world. Maybe.
But it is far more likely that Sunflo's explanation fits the situation, and moving Mom won't really solve the problem. But it will give you breathing room. You might suggest to your sister, "Why don't we try this for six months and see how it goes?"
While she is gone you can give some serious consideration to what should happen next if it doesn't work out with Sis. Is it time for a care center? But give yourself a nice break first.
You are dead right. Elders with cognitive impairment hate their situation, they hate being old, they hate losing their independence, they hate all their ailments, they hate not remembering things and they are scared of their future. --all understandable. And they take those fears, paranoia and I'll temper out on those closest to them. She will likely be the brunt of it eventually. There maybe a honeymoon period at first where sis meets all her needs, makes sure she's comfortable and they catch up and first enjoy each other's company.
Once the newness wears off and the day to day drudgery starts and your sister tires of losing her privacy, etc.; mom will lash out and sis will be blindsided and feel resentful.
Let her take mom, even if temporary and YOU take a break and let this play out. Don't even call while mom adjusts and sister takes charge. Let sister do her part and share the care for awhile. You can get a life in the meantime and visit after that.
Mom may have a new appreciation for you and the care you provided. Your sister too. She likely will regret this decision and then maybe you can both be closer and mutually plan on future care for mom and sharing in that care or sharing in financing some help to care for mom so you each don't have total burden.
If Mom is still pretty lucid, and does one of her outbursts or behaviors, you might say something glide "How terribly frustrating it is to age into so many more limits" or something like it--letting her know you see how much she's lost, and that you know it feels terrible to no longer be able to do what she used to do.
Sometimes, that can help reduce a bad behavior episode, tame it, help Mom feel like you understand better. One of the fears is that caregivers are clueless how she feels---your verbalizing your observation, validates to her her feelings, and, that you do see it.
She REALLY hates the losses of age and infirmity, and lacks ability to verbalize about those--it turns into very personal-sounding attacks on the caregiver or others.
If someone always had some mental issues, which caused them to always have a "target person" upon which to do battle, sling hateful accusations, etc., it could be related to that, and once her world has diminished enough, that "target" becomes her caregiver by default.
My Mom was like that a most of her life; target persons included multiple spouses, mother-in-laws, co-workers, and in the end, her kids----she's done almost irreparable damage to our household; my other siblings refuse to talk about it, but I'm certain she has caused similar in theirs, too, since she has in the past--she repeats behaviors over time.
Aging, and aging Brain, make that worse.
Even with mental ills, though, it's absolutely more about fears for their survival, and the loss of autonomy. Giving up freedoms, possessions, abilities, etc., really are at the root of their anger!
It's common to pick on one or two target-people.
As their world gets smaller, they can focus in laser-like at their caregiver, for instance.
They can exhibit explosive rage out-bursts; my Mom can keep those going for HOURS at a time; it's fairly impossible to tell what triggers them; she can turn-on-a-dime.
It's important to avoid taking elder's nasty comments and behaviors personally----that is VERY hard to do---it's Mom, for gosh sakes!
But it's critically important, for YOUR survival and well-being, to NOT take it personally---each time she does it, you think to yourself: "That's not Mom, it's her illness". But one can only do that for so long, and depending on other circumstances.
Now, if siblings and others climb on-board Mom's wagon-load of B-S, THAT's a problem.
I had Mom here for 6 years. The honeymoon period lasted, MAYBE 6 months, then it was downhill and worse, the rest of the time here.
It wore us to end-stage frazzles.
When she got moved out of here, to a sibling's home in another State, she lasted 2 years there----that sibling NEVER admits problems, claims "we get along fine".....yet, it was only about a year into that, when a 3rd sibling started saying a few things like "maybe Mom should come stay with us for a while"--she KNEW the 2nd one was having troubles.
Once Mom's moved out of the 2nd sib's house [twice], 2nd sibling couldn't wait to empty out that room, strip it, remodel it, make it ANYthing BUT a bedroom.
Mom's now on that disabled 3rd sibling in line......one least able to manage her, due to her own disabilities and her spouses' illnesses----but she insisted, and finally went to fetch Mom to a 3rd State.
We'll see.
None of them helped me when Mom was here---no moral support or constructive suggestions; they were push-overs for Mom to divide and conquer us, and shun me. They bought into Mom's lies, and still do; it's not just Mom who slandered, gaslighted, yelled and abused----so have they.
No amount of trying to speak with them about keeping a unified front among us, in dealing with Mom, helped at all--in fact, it seemed to make them dig in and believe Mom's lies yet more---they are their Mother's children---since they spent most time growing up with her, they have been most programmed by her.
THAT is something to beware of.
If Mom seems too adept at "divide and conquer", and "gaslighting" [like the movie, "Gaslight"], you might need to distance yourself from her, and siblings, for some time, to protect yourself.
Take this as a pressure-relief period, letting Sis take Mom to stay with her.
She will learn, up-close and personal, how Mom is.
She probably wouldn't believe it just by your trying to talk with Sis about Mom's behaviors--she has to see it herself.
Unless you have more family members to wear out, once Mom has worn out her welcome, Sis will either be eager to find Mom a facility to live in,
OR, Sis will be begging you to take Mom back.
YOU must decide if you are equal to that task-----keep in mind,
Mom's mental/emotional state will get worse, from moving, from ills, and from time passing.
IF you think about taking her back into your home, after Sis can't do it anymore, you must keep that at forefront of your consciousness in choosing what to do.
WHOEVER's got Mom with them, needs to have some Legal capability to handle Mom's affairs. Each family member who ACTUALLY has Mom under their roof caring for her, needs legal documents to help with Mom's personal affairs, insurance, medical, financial, and death.
The caregiver must know how to handle various kinds of medical coverage, for instance.....Like, if she has a Medicare Advantage Plan, and is not in her regular geographical area when needing care, she MUST go to the E.R., or the Advantage Plan will not pay on the claim despite what they say they will.
IF she wants to donate her body to science, have those documents on hand wherever she is living.
Things might also go just fine with her at Sister's place.
Ya just never know until it's tried.
Please keep us posted how it goes! Folks here are great morale support, good at validating what you observe, and have great suggestions.
Last 3 years total totally bad dream that I kept hoping to wake up from but the dream kept getting worse. So Sorry. Very hard to accept.
Those caring for dementia patients have to learn never to take expressions of hate personally. It can be tough to d this, but it must be remembered that those with dementia are not themselves.
I am sorry this has happened, but it is not all that unusual.
Whatever your Mum says, she is the one that bore you, cared for and nurtured you, and the personality she displays now is not really her. Dementia affects the mind and alters the personality. Please do try to bear with the negative things and continue to love and care for your mother.
Good luck.
:)
I call that a result :)
Training and education in caring for someone who has dementia can help to a degree, but that often comes down to acceptance of the disease on the part of the caregiver. If your sister's personality is such that she can do this, the arrangement may work out better, but this still doesn't mean that she is a better daughter or that your mother really hates you. Most likely, after the first days or weeks, nothing will be different.
That being said, it sounds like you've taken your turn and it's time to let your sister do the caregiving for now. You deserve a life of your own and you don't deserve abuse. I'd go along with your sister if you think she can do a fairly decent job of caring for your mother.
Eventually, your mother may need professional help. Then, it may come down to which state provides the best services for their aging seniors. It wouldn't hurt for you and your sister to compare these services early on so that decisions can be made when help is needed.
Good luck, my friend. Please don't be hard on yourself. You didn't fail. It's time to pass the torch to someone fresh.
Carol
But it is far more likely that Sunflo's explanation fits the situation, and moving Mom won't really solve the problem. But it will give you breathing room. You might suggest to your sister, "Why don't we try this for six months and see how it goes?"
While she is gone you can give some serious consideration to what should happen next if it doesn't work out with Sis. Is it time for a care center? But give yourself a nice break first.
Is your mom currently living in your house?
Once the newness wears off and the day to day drudgery starts and your sister tires of losing her privacy, etc.; mom will lash out and sis will be blindsided and feel resentful.
Let her take mom, even if temporary and YOU take a break and let this play out. Don't even call while mom adjusts and sister takes charge. Let sister do her part and share the care for awhile. You can get a life in the meantime and visit after that.
Mom may have a new appreciation for you and the care you provided. Your sister too. She likely will regret this decision and then maybe you can both be closer and mutually plan on future care for mom and sharing in that care or sharing in financing some help to care for mom so you each don't have total burden.
Hope this helps.h