Why are some Mom's so nasty and cruel?

Do not visit her alone. Take someone with you. She will behave better if there are other people present. My sister in law has the same problem. Once she started taking a cousin with her, mom behaved better.

I recently had a similar experience where my mother yelled at me for everything. The more I did for her, the more she yelled at me. Yes, she also cursed. I would get upset and leave when she acted that way. What I resolved to do was to get help with counseling for me first. The my counselor suggested that I delegate services to others which I have put in place. I told my mother that it's best if we enjoy doing fun things together and let other people help her with other things. I also got a social worker who can handle paperwork for her and be a liaison/buffer between mom and me. Please take care of yourself.

When people (of any age) but especially the elderly, they are miserable, in pain (physically or emotionally) and frustrated by their limitations or not getting exactly what they want...or need. Depending on the 'nastiness' -- you may want to just listen. Be patient. Don't argue with her -- maybe just go along with whatever complaints she has, like, "Ugh, I know. That's terrible. But how about we do *this* instead?" ----

But...

If she is downright insulting and cruel, you can just leave or like the above comments stated, bring someone with you. Don't respond to the negativity if it is cruel. They want a reaction, whether negative or positive. So there's two sides to the coin: nastiness because they're just cranky and not feeling well, and then you have nastiness because they are somehow seeking out some sort of revenge for whatever reason that YOU do NOT have to tolerate. And remember, the more words you speak, the less they listen. I learned that the hard way.

I don't know if that helped any, but that's what I've been learning in my experience with this sort of thing.

Good luck and guard yourself from the negativity. Be strong!

Why? Well, some were nasty and cruel at 35. Some are mentally ill. Some because of undiagnosed reactions to their meds. And some because they are so very miserable in their untreated depression that they become absolutely impossible.

It's important to remember that what we do to help people like this is by CHOICE. In many cases, we may feel worse by NOT helping these abusive crabby cakes than we do by listening to their vitriolic baloney. If we chose NOT to help, after all, it's not as if they'll be floated out to sea on an iceberg.

SOMEtimes, when we remember we have a choice in the matter, it becomes easier to tune out their baloney. I hope in some small way this gives you some small peace.

My mother is vicious and mean. She appears to not care that I am her sole caregiver even though she has 3 sons. So recently I have tuned out her meanness and gone about the business of fixing her meals without engaging. Now I feel that this is not the answer. I feel like a jailer going to give prisoner their meals and meds and that is it. I don't make eye contact, or even respond when she offers comments other that maybe a hmm or yes, no answer. Is that fair? No, but, it is the only way to deal with her most times. At night, I think about how lonely she must be and how frightening that is. As for meals and other little things I can handle that. The socialization is what she needs and my brothers could help with that but it is like they don't care. So I understand nasty and cruel from your mom. Maybe she, like my mom, is starved for human contact.

If a person was that way when young, they just get worse, more of the same. If not, dementia can make a person that way. My mother was never that way and when she started becoming argumentative and difficult, the doctor put her on Zoloft which helped. In her case, it is due to dementia, but the striking out is also from depression and frustration of being trapped in an old helpless body and having to live where you don't want to live. And it seems they are more apt to take it out on their children or the ones they love the most.

Hope this helps but my mom has memory issues (possibly Alzheimers) and she was taking Aricept. Her doctor increased her dosage and she started to become violent. She would hit me, through things and say awful things like she was going to hit me over the head, etc. Her doctor then put her on a drug to combat that but it was not recommended for seniors so when she had to change doctors I asked her neurologists and she took her off that and put her on Namenda with the Aricept. After trying a few different dosages, we finally got it right and now my mom is the sweetest person. Occasionally she will get frustrated and say I am going to slap you but as soon as I say that is not nice, she immediately says she is sorry and hugs me. I firmly believe that a lot of the violence, anger and hostility comes from the drugs and just needs to be tweaked until they find the right combination. Please tell your mothers doctor about this and ask that they review her medication and make adjustments to see if it helps. Trust me the change is unbelievable. From violence, hitting, ugly outburst to hugging, smiling and being very sweet. Night and day...and all it took was a decrease dosage of Aricept and adding Namenda in the right dosage.

Wow I'm so relieved to know that I'm not alone. My mom has been ugly to me so long and to the point that I dare not go around Her alone. She has managed to say ugly things about me to vulnerable people who do not see her or know she is being disceteful. Therefore I have learned to care on my knees in prayer. I've noticed this behavior all my life and now it's worse. Mom does seem to get along with men and prefers help from men more than women. For some reason she acts as though she is in a competition with women. Either way it does get hard and It does hurt. I just have to keep myself at a distance now. No matter what I try it doesn't work and family thinks mom is ok just talking to her on phone.

I know how you feel although my mother has always been mean & jealous of me. I have two brothers that will not help me either. I had to finally get a restraining order against her after she came to my work place, a bank, and told other people that work there that she wanted to kill me. The bank had to call the police. I was so embarrassed. She has threatened me before but not in public. I wish I someone could help her but she thinks nothing is wrong with her. I don't know if it's dementia, her meds or that's she's just mean. I pray that things get better & that God will heal my mom.

You poor people. If I had a parent/parents like that I'd change my phone number and have it unlisted.