My brother got a divorce and moved in with my parents about 6 yrs ago, he is an alcoholic and a chain smoker. My father paid off the house and my mom is on hospice.. multiple myeloma. I am the POA for medical. My brother is mom's full-time care person, he called years ago and said he could not do this. I took early retirement and my husband and I came to help. My dad, in his will, listed me as POA and in charge of bank and bills... he passed away a yr ago. My father paid off the house and planned to leave the house to my brother.. I don't care to have anything, I just want to help my mom. Since I was left responsible for the money left.. my brother has hated me. Asks are we still doing ok in the bank? constantly. Will make comments and looks at me as if I am a thief. I have bank information and all money accounted for towards bills, groceries etc..if the lawyer wanted to look at anything I have a clear mind and heart. My mom who doesn't think my brother can do any wrong and denies his drinking etc.. (he's a bum) gets 150 wkly, no bills to pay as that comes out of mom's acct. Insists on having internet cable and + channels. My husband and I have to be gone at times to take care of his mom in another state or help our sons with this or that. We do not have time for ourselves anymore..I am at my wits end with my brother. . and almost with my mom. I give her the best care. I clean I make sure she has her pills, I do laundry..etc. My brother does the same except he does not clean. My mom swears by my brother and his great care??? (She is a narcissist and my brother golden child) We were gone three days to help our son move things into storage in another state, he is in military.. came back and 10 empty cans of beer on the table, a pot of beans on the stove still in the pan with a spoon in it..a mess on all counters.. My brother Just received his 150.00 plus his stimulus ck 1400.00 said he was out 150.00 because he had to replace his alternator... he said he didn't get his stimulus ck so I told him I would replace the 150 just needed the receipt for the alternator and mom agreed to replace his 150.. 30 minutes later I asked him, you didn't receive your stimulus ck? he calls and his bank affirms that he has 1,100 in the bank????? I don't know what to do in what I am dealing with anymore.. I am an empath, extra sensitive person and find myself getting depressed. My husband is a great supporter of me and what I am doing. He talked to my brother the other day and mentioned to him that once mom passes there will be no more money the money ends.. What is his plan.... he said well I will this or that he does not plan to work.. HELP!! I want to walk away somedays..
Do you depend on him to take mom to doctor appointments? Look up the year and model number, call the local car parts place (auto zone) and ask how much the alternator costs... geez.. He doesn't need to take mom anywhere but to doctor..Now with all the other alternatives nowadays..... your mom should be able to get groceries delivered... right?
Tell mom and brother you and hubby are taking a break.. going out for a few days... you will call when back in town... Do NOt Answer Your Cell Phone...PERIOD
Mom is on hospice, so she will pass eventually. Was the house actually left to your brother? If so, when he inherits it he can continue to live there or sell it and find an apt using the proceeds of the house to offset the rent. Any money left can be split. He will then be on his own. You can go back to your life.
Please, do not take his care on or have him live with or near you. Make sure, when the time comes, that he understands that he is now on his own. That you will be giving him no financial support. He gets the house but he alone will pay the utilities and taxes. He no longer has a free ride and you are not going to be it. He is going to have to hit bottom. He is an adult and he has put himself in the position he is in. Do not enable him or disable him.
We don't have slavery or indentured service anymore, so room and board alone isn't acceptable.
Such is the attitude of so many families. They think that once the elder passes away that the designated caregiver can just find a job and resume a regular life after years of having no other life outside of the home and caregiving life. So no allowances should be made for their welfare.
Think of a live-in family caregiver like a married housewife who is out of the workforce for years taking care of the kids, the house, and the husband. Then one day the husband comes home and says he wants a divorce and a different life. The woman doesn't just say okay, see you later and then starts providing for herself.
No, It doesn't work like that. They go to court and that housewife is awarded alimony and property that the divorcing husband has to pay. Many times he has to keep her on his medical insurance. Or if the kids are teenagers and old enough to stay alone, he still pays child support.
Why should a family caregiver who's there 24/7 for years at a time not be afforded the same security and respect as this?
As it is in so many families the sons are always golden and can do no wrong in mom and dad's eyes while the daughters are lower than the gum stuck on the bottom of a shoe. This goes on every day with millions of families. So you're not alone, honey. You might think he's the golden child and that your parents worshipped him, but he's still the caregiver. Even though mom speaks so highly of him and your dad did also, they may have treated him very differently when no one is there. My mother speaks very highly of me to others about how she doesn't know what she'd do
if I wasn't here. What she says to others is very different then what actually is. For years I was treated like less than a pile of garbage. Sometimes I still am.
You have the POA so are in control of the money and assets. Hire a cleaning lady to come in once or twice a week, or an in-home senior caregiver a few hours a week to help out with some of your mom's needs like hygiene and running errands . Don't get on him about the cable and internet though. Don't do that because it's petty. He's there and is the one who took care of both your parents and is now the 24 hour caregiver to your mom. That's not an easy situation for anyone to be in, so don't begrudge the guy his tv and internet. He obviously has no life, so let him have that.
If the fighting and accusations are too much for you, then give over the POA to him as well. Then all the legal responsibility will be off of you and you can help out with mom in whatever ways you choose to or not at all.
while I take a month to go to my doctors appointments, husbands doc appts in another state, visit my sis in that state as she is in assisted living (I took her under my wing about 12 years ago) mental challenge..she is doing well. I also take this time to visit my mom in law who has heart health issues. I have offered to take mom to care for her...but neither she nor my brother want that. This way I would not have to deal with my brother and he would have to figure things out for himself.
If his care of your mother is not safe or comforting or loving FOR HER, begin to seek out alternatives that will be safer and more loving and more comforting.
Whether your brother hates you or loves you has NOTHING to do with your mother’s care. If she is unable to live in her house or care for herself her POA must figure out what is best for her and decide objectively on her behalf.
If you feel that you cannot in reality walk away you must learn to do that EMOTIONALLY, for your own welfare.
You say you "give your Mom the best care". I am not certain what that means about where she lives. Is she with the much beloved son in her own home or is she in care?
I would back out and step away. You are in some of the best last years of your own life. A time when you should be free to live a free life before your own health and limitations stick in. This should be the time to travel and enjoy yourself, not a time to be sandwiched between family members in need.
I would seek a counselor and comb out your plans for YOUR OWN life. Because right now you are so much slave labor to other family members. It is no wonder you are suffering mentally. I sure wish you good luck.
The siblings and relatives just don't understand what it's like to be a 24 hour 7 day a week caregiver to an elderly person.
Even if the elderly person isn't physically ill and in need of hands-on caregiving. No one truly gets what it's like to be in it for years at a time unless they've done it themselves. There's no way for them to understand the other part that is a terrifying reality for many family caregivers. How they will survive after the elderly parent or relative passes away or goes into a nursing home. Most of the time when an adult child is living in the elderly parent's home on duty 24 hours a day 7 days a week, they have no other support system they can depend on. There usually isn't a spouse or partner with income they can go to after the elder passes away to get back on their feet and into the outside world again. Many times that isn't even possible when they've been out of it for years and years.
Siblings won't do anything. Not when they think that caregiver is living the life of Reilly because they're not going to a job every day and they often resent them for it. They think the caregiver is taking advantage of the elderly parents or relative because they're living rent and bill free.
Believe me when I say, it's a lot easier to get up and go to a job every day then it is to be at home as a caregiver. You don't worry about becoming homeless when your boss dies.
Caregivers siblings need to get woke about what it's all about and learn some understanding and compassion for the brother or sister who makes it possible for them to not have to be in such a situation.
Anyway, *before* then: did your brother work? Did he have a problem with alcohol?
BTW, a private paid caregiver costs $25-$35 an hour....research a couple of agencies...doesn’t a hospice nurse & aide come a couple days a week? or would you prefer to place mother in a hospice facility? Then you can just visit & talk by phone & FaceTime? You also need a cleaning person for the house. Perhaps a Home Health Aide can do this chore too!
Good luck & hugs 🤗
Since your mother is on hospice, I presume she is visited by nurses and aids during the week. You can essentially walk away leaving the hospice and your brother to physically take care of your mother. If you worry about leaving your brother in charge have hospice call you if there is neglect by your brother.
I am POA of my mother and handle her finances. I have had no physical contact with her and she hasn't been out of the AL facility except for a couple of medical appointments. I pay her bills and she calls me with her limited grocery order. You can take care of her from a distance.
Good luck.
Good Luck!
You are in a most difficult position, being the responsible one. Thank God for your husband, who supports your work.
You may never see a reward on this earth for all you have sacrificed. Surely, though, your reward in heaven will be great.
You, who wait upon the Lord, shall be lifted up as on wings of eagles. You will run and not be weary; walk and not faint. ❤️
Do you have a need to be needed? Because what you’re describing is not usual or normal. Most people don’t need to be needed like this and actually need to separate and have a life of their own. I highly suggest some counsel with a therapist. Having a relationship with God is fine, but perhaps God is telling you to stop attending to others so much.
You didn’t say this, but it sound as though you and your husband live with your mom and brother? If that is the case I disagree with those on here saying he should be paid more. YOU should be paid! And maybe you are. Some of the details are sketchy.
See a therapist if you are at your rope's end to learn coping skills and boundary setting skills. There is a great book by Henry Cloud on Boundaries....and it’s even written from a Christian perspective. Get it.
WHY did your father leave the house to live-in brother?
You mentioned the house issues when you come back from your month spent caregiving you sister and MIL, but what about your mother's health? If your brother won't wipe her, then what is happening while you are gone?
It does sound as if you and your H must live there, also. Yes? Why is your brother paid $150/month while you are there doing everything?
Your last sentence in your post above states "HELP." What kind of help do you actually want? Do you want to get ideas on how to change your brother's attitude?
One of the most important things that is stated over and over on this site is that you can't control the actions (or attitudes) of others. But you can change YOURS! You do not have to accept the current situation. You do know that, yes?
Unless, of course, you are a martyr. We see plenty of them on this site. Often the martyrs have so much invested in their martyr self-image (for whatever reasons), that they just can't make a change. Is this you, do you think?
Walk away from your brother after that. What happens after that is his concern, not yours.
Retire from caregiving others; care for yourself only.
Bro is a coddled, entitled, lazy, good for nothing bum. "Work" at care giving one month out of four, doing the barest minimum, but getting not only free room and board for SIX years (remember, dad only passed a year ago - he was probably doing even less for the first five years!), plus having his car insurance and repairs paid for AND GETTING $150/week to boot.
Thank you and Damiana for your comments. Hopefully they aren't too late for ellimac. Even if she has sworn off, this should be a WARNING to others, DON'T assume. Read and re-read if you need to. Ask questions. Don't project your own experiences, esp where they don't belong!
Brother was disowned by the entire family for having spent mom’s life savings at casinos. $100 here, $100 there... to the tune of $84k before I stopped counting: we sold her house for $110k. So, he felt privileged enough somehow to spend as much of that sum on himself as he pleased, all while our elderly mother continued to see him as the golden child he’d always been. I was the one who came to her rescue when he got her EVICTED from assisted living. She lived with me for 5 years... and I never had a break. I suffered a stroke from the stress of it all.
Given the chance to do it all over again, I would do things differently. I’d get help from other sources. You should, too. Do not continue on your current course if you feel it could negatively affect your health...and from what you’ve written, it likely will. You have the right to remove yourself from the position of helping your mother. Especially given the circumstances you’re faced with.
I’d suggest some sort of mediated source of assistance. Look into the ADRC for what they may offer for in home health care, and/or housekeeping.... and remove yourself from the immediate picture. You can manage financial stuff long distance, and continue to keep impeccable records.
But you’ll never change that relationship between your mom and her little boy. Let them live in their own shared misery. The sooner you accept that and get away from it the better.... for your own sanity. Watch from afar as they(hopefully) realize you’re not the problem. But even if they don’t, YOU know it. Take care of yourself first.
I wish you the best outcome.
Sorry. This is meant to say “CNA”.
READING IS FUNDAMENTAL.
In general I try to read ALL posts before commenting, but do make exceptions. This was one exception. The comments are harsh and totally off base. The early posts would not have seen ellimac's MULTIPLE follow ups, which prove them wrong. Even if others and ellimac had not posted more yet, if you READ the original post, it is clear that this is NOT a situation where poor dear brother is overwhelmed and underpaid. He's pretty much a mooch, a lazy drunk who feels entitled and does NOT do his share or even half of it.
Several of you owe ellimac a sincere apology for ASSuming and lambasting her. Hopefully she hasn't sworn off the site, but if she has, you people who've wrongly accused her and belittled her should hang your heads in shame. LEARN from this and before you jump to conclusions and lambaste the next ellimac, READ and READ again before you comment. If it isn't clear, ASK questions first. We don't condone shooting first and asking questions later.
Also, there are similarities to my situation. I have been POA of my mother for 10 hears. Things have gotten worse. Mom is frail, losing weight (20 more pounds in a year) and difficult to deal with. I am the only girl and mom seems to expect so much from me. Yet, my brothers are the best and there is always a reason they can’t or won’t do more to help.
In just the past few days, I have made a tremendous decision (because no one else wants to make decisions and be the “bad guy”) that my mom either uses her 35 free aide hours thru insurance or goes into a nursing home. I hate it has come to this, but I can’t deal with the pressure any more. Maybe my older brother will retire and stay home with her. Next week we talk it thru ... hopefully peaceably.
I wish you the best. I can only suggest you take some time to think it through. Ask your self what do you need? And, what does your mother really truly need? I have found if I can focus on a problem (for however long it takes ... hours or days) I come to a pretty good decision and am peace with it. Maybe this will work for you.
Take care. It takes a strong person to deal with these situations. Give yourself some credit.
Further I'm not saying he should have made more than $150/wk the entire time he's lived under his parents' roof. However, since his father died, IF he is taking care of his mother, $150/wk does seem low. If he does next to nothing then it's a gift.
If her brother is taking relatively good care of his mother, she can essentially walk away and care remotely for her mother most of the time - pay her bills, keep in contact with hospice and her brother and mother, stepping in as need be. We know there is drama in families at the best of times not to mention the worst of times. I truly hope she finds a solution that works for her. Unfortunately, there is nothing she can do regarding the relationship of her mother and brother (the golden child) that wouldn't more adversely affect her.
My best wishes to elliemac
The fact that he got the recent $1400 stimulus means he reported income from employment in 2019 - that's what they have been using to issue the checks (unless you already filed 2020 taxes). With that said, does that mean that all of you are living together and allowed him to have employment a couple years ago? If everyone living together, his $150 a week is still cheap to have him in the house if you/hubby need to be away for a period of time. You said he makes sure she takes meds and does some laundry - just doesn't clean. Mom probably always cleaned up behind him just as a lot of mothers do for their boomerang children.
As for cleaning up after him - that's aggravating to clean up behind ANY able bodied person in a house. To avoid being irritated, hire a cleaning person to come in 2-3 times a week out of mom's money. She wants her son there because she knows it is helping to keep her at home. She defends him because you complain about his messes. From her perspective, she cannot agree with you because it might mean he'll leave the house and change her situation drastically. If she is clear minded, let her know you are going to hire a person to clean up behind him. Then you walk in to a cleaner home and don't become frustrated upon entry.
When he asks about bank balance - tell him if it get critically low, he'll know because you'll have to tell him his payments are ending. Or just reply, money is doing fine. No back and forth.
Why did you offer to replace the alternator money? Maybe you lean a little toward helping/aiding your brother (just like mom) than you think. If he uses car to take mom place, ok. If not, you shouldn't have offered the money
My heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry that you felt unsupported here and hope you will stay around for the abundant wisdom that is shared. I am not a regular contributor - I sometimes read the digest and have special concern for overlooked and under-appreciated daughters - a phenomenon connected to the more overt violence against women that is a part of our culture. You don't complain about being shut out of the will so I will complain and be angry for you. This kind of dynamic creates bad feelings which can compound all the other frustrations and demands. It is eminently reasonable to EXPECT a grown man to clean up after himself, something people learn to do in PRESCHOOL. He may have mental or physical challenges in addition to his alcoholism - a person can feel compassion for that AND know that managing the late stages for an elder and a household require some serious management skill. And I know that lifelong patterns of entitlement and conflict avoidance with problematic children or siblings makes for a very challenging situation. It could have gone differently (with completely different personalities and decisions!) but this is how it played out. Not your fault and the desire to walk away from such a negative situation is a natural reaction! I hope you can begin to establish reasonable boundaries here, use your POA to hire additional help, keep doing your best for your mom with the help of hospice and minimize interactions with your brother. Pre-pay funeral or burial expenses now from her funds while you have POA and then you make a clean break from this brother who is not your responsibility. Best of luck and virtual hugs!
Evict him. and sell the house. You must get used to playing hardball-- and do not be empathic or kind-hearted-- that will only enable and make you the victim of co-dependency. Get him out now-- and get her to a place that will help her enjoy her last years--- your brother is an addict-- addicts cannot be trusted-- get real. Be real. Think about your Mom.