My brother got a divorce and moved in with my parents about 6 yrs ago, he is an alcoholic and a chain smoker. My father paid off the house and my mom is on hospice.. multiple myeloma. I am the POA for medical. My brother is mom's full-time care person, he called years ago and said he could not do this. I took early retirement and my husband and I came to help. My dad, in his will, listed me as POA and in charge of bank and bills... he passed away a yr ago. My father paid off the house and planned to leave the house to my brother.. I don't care to have anything, I just want to help my mom. Since I was left responsible for the money left.. my brother has hated me. Asks are we still doing ok in the bank? constantly. Will make comments and looks at me as if I am a thief. I have bank information and all money accounted for towards bills, groceries etc..if the lawyer wanted to look at anything I have a clear mind and heart. My mom who doesn't think my brother can do any wrong and denies his drinking etc.. (he's a bum) gets 150 wkly, no bills to pay as that comes out of mom's acct. Insists on having internet cable and + channels. My husband and I have to be gone at times to take care of his mom in another state or help our sons with this or that. We do not have time for ourselves anymore..I am at my wits end with my brother. . and almost with my mom. I give her the best care. I clean I make sure she has her pills, I do laundry..etc. My brother does the same except he does not clean. My mom swears by my brother and his great care??? (She is a narcissist and my brother golden child) We were gone three days to help our son move things into storage in another state, he is in military.. came back and 10 empty cans of beer on the table, a pot of beans on the stove still in the pan with a spoon in it..a mess on all counters.. My brother Just received his 150.00 plus his stimulus ck 1400.00 said he was out 150.00 because he had to replace his alternator... he said he didn't get his stimulus ck so I told him I would replace the 150 just needed the receipt for the alternator and mom agreed to replace his 150.. 30 minutes later I asked him, you didn't receive your stimulus ck? he calls and his bank affirms that he has 1,100 in the bank????? I don't know what to do in what I am dealing with anymore.. I am an empath, extra sensitive person and find myself getting depressed. My husband is a great supporter of me and what I am doing. He talked to my brother the other day and mentioned to him that once mom passes there will be no more money the money ends.. What is his plan.... he said well I will this or that he does not plan to work.. HELP!! I want to walk away somedays..
As it is in so many families the sons are always golden and can do no wrong in mom and dad's eyes while the daughters are lower than the gum stuck on the bottom of a shoe. This goes on every day with millions of families. So you're not alone, honey. You might think he's the golden child and that your parents worshipped him, but he's still the caregiver. Even though mom speaks so highly of him and your dad did also, they may have treated him very differently when no one is there. My mother speaks very highly of me to others about how she doesn't know what she'd do
if I wasn't here. What she says to others is very different then what actually is. For years I was treated like less than a pile of garbage. Sometimes I still am.
You have the POA so are in control of the money and assets. Hire a cleaning lady to come in once or twice a week, or an in-home senior caregiver a few hours a week to help out with some of your mom's needs like hygiene and running errands . Don't get on him about the cable and internet though. Don't do that because it's petty. He's there and is the one who took care of both your parents and is now the 24 hour caregiver to your mom. That's not an easy situation for anyone to be in, so don't begrudge the guy his tv and internet. He obviously has no life, so let him have that.
If the fighting and accusations are too much for you, then give over the POA to him as well. Then all the legal responsibility will be off of you and you can help out with mom in whatever ways you choose to or not at all.
while I take a month to go to my doctors appointments, husbands doc appts in another state, visit my sis in that state as she is in assisted living (I took her under my wing about 12 years ago) mental challenge..she is doing well. I also take this time to visit my mom in law who has heart health issues. I have offered to take mom to care for her...but neither she nor my brother want that. This way I would not have to deal with my brother and he would have to figure things out for himself.
You say you "give your Mom the best care". I am not certain what that means about where she lives. Is she with the much beloved son in her own home or is she in care?
I would back out and step away. You are in some of the best last years of your own life. A time when you should be free to live a free life before your own health and limitations stick in. This should be the time to travel and enjoy yourself, not a time to be sandwiched between family members in need.
I would seek a counselor and comb out your plans for YOUR OWN life. Because right now you are so much slave labor to other family members. It is no wonder you are suffering mentally. I sure wish you good luck.
Mom is on hospice, so she will pass eventually. Was the house actually left to your brother? If so, when he inherits it he can continue to live there or sell it and find an apt using the proceeds of the house to offset the rent. Any money left can be split. He will then be on his own. You can go back to your life.
Please, do not take his care on or have him live with or near you. Make sure, when the time comes, that he understands that he is now on his own. That you will be giving him no financial support. He gets the house but he alone will pay the utilities and taxes. He no longer has a free ride and you are not going to be it. He is going to have to hit bottom. He is an adult and he has put himself in the position he is in. Do not enable him or disable him.
We don't have slavery or indentured service anymore, so room and board alone isn't acceptable.
Such is the attitude of so many families. They think that once the elder passes away that the designated caregiver can just find a job and resume a regular life after years of having no other life outside of the home and caregiving life. So no allowances should be made for their welfare.
Think of a live-in family caregiver like a married housewife who is out of the workforce for years taking care of the kids, the house, and the husband. Then one day the husband comes home and says he wants a divorce and a different life. The woman doesn't just say okay, see you later and then starts providing for herself.
No, It doesn't work like that. They go to court and that housewife is awarded alimony and property that the divorcing husband has to pay. Many times he has to keep her on his medical insurance. Or if the kids are teenagers and old enough to stay alone, he still pays child support.
Why should a family caregiver who's there 24/7 for years at a time not be afforded the same security and respect as this?
Do you depend on him to take mom to doctor appointments? Look up the year and model number, call the local car parts place (auto zone) and ask how much the alternator costs... geez.. He doesn't need to take mom anywhere but to doctor..Now with all the other alternatives nowadays..... your mom should be able to get groceries delivered... right?
Tell mom and brother you and hubby are taking a break.. going out for a few days... you will call when back in town... Do NOt Answer Your Cell Phone...PERIOD
If his care of your mother is not safe or comforting or loving FOR HER, begin to seek out alternatives that will be safer and more loving and more comforting.
Whether your brother hates you or loves you has NOTHING to do with your mother’s care. If she is unable to live in her house or care for herself her POA must figure out what is best for her and decide objectively on her behalf.
If you feel that you cannot in reality walk away you must learn to do that EMOTIONALLY, for your own welfare.
My heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry that you felt unsupported here and hope you will stay around for the abundant wisdom that is shared. I am not a regular contributor - I sometimes read the digest and have special concern for overlooked and under-appreciated daughters - a phenomenon connected to the more overt violence against women that is a part of our culture. You don't complain about being shut out of the will so I will complain and be angry for you. This kind of dynamic creates bad feelings which can compound all the other frustrations and demands. It is eminently reasonable to EXPECT a grown man to clean up after himself, something people learn to do in PRESCHOOL. He may have mental or physical challenges in addition to his alcoholism - a person can feel compassion for that AND know that managing the late stages for an elder and a household require some serious management skill. And I know that lifelong patterns of entitlement and conflict avoidance with problematic children or siblings makes for a very challenging situation. It could have gone differently (with completely different personalities and decisions!) but this is how it played out. Not your fault and the desire to walk away from such a negative situation is a natural reaction! I hope you can begin to establish reasonable boundaries here, use your POA to hire additional help, keep doing your best for your mom with the help of hospice and minimize interactions with your brother. Pre-pay funeral or burial expenses now from her funds while you have POA and then you make a clean break from this brother who is not your responsibility. Best of luck and virtual hugs!
The siblings and relatives just don't understand what it's like to be a 24 hour 7 day a week caregiver to an elderly person.
Even if the elderly person isn't physically ill and in need of hands-on caregiving. No one truly gets what it's like to be in it for years at a time unless they've done it themselves. There's no way for them to understand the other part that is a terrifying reality for many family caregivers. How they will survive after the elderly parent or relative passes away or goes into a nursing home. Most of the time when an adult child is living in the elderly parent's home on duty 24 hours a day 7 days a week, they have no other support system they can depend on. There usually isn't a spouse or partner with income they can go to after the elder passes away to get back on their feet and into the outside world again. Many times that isn't even possible when they've been out of it for years and years.
Siblings won't do anything. Not when they think that caregiver is living the life of Reilly because they're not going to a job every day and they often resent them for it. They think the caregiver is taking advantage of the elderly parents or relative because they're living rent and bill free.
Believe me when I say, it's a lot easier to get up and go to a job every day then it is to be at home as a caregiver. You don't worry about becoming homeless when your boss dies.
Caregivers siblings need to get woke about what it's all about and learn some understanding and compassion for the brother or sister who makes it possible for them to not have to be in such a situation.